Do they ever come back?

[Doughnut]

I posted a while back about how a romantic interest seemed to have 'split me black'. He does not have a diagnosis of BPD but he has been diagnosed with severe depression and has attempted suicide twice in the past.

After about a month of no contact, I found out from someone that he has been taken to a psychiatric hospital where it doesn't look like he is coming out anytime soon. I also found out that he is completely adamant that everything is my fault, he is in there because of me, his depression worsened as a result of me and he still wants nothing to do with me and is apparently ''deleting every message/text from me without even reading them''. I'm guessing he must've attempted suicide again to get sectioned.

It pains me to the core but it also angers me that I am getting so much blame for this.

I know it sounds crazy because this relationship is evidently toxic, but all things aside I do care about him and I really just crave the opportunity to speak to him again to settle things. Things ended very abruptly and it's been so painful both sides. My question is: once you're split black, do they come back? What will it take for them to come back, even if it's only for a little bit?

I've been writing him a letter which I have not sent yet. I hope he doesn't rip up the letter if he recognises the writing because I really am putting a lot of thought/heart into it. :'(

Do they ever contact you again even if they vehemently declare that ''it's over''?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JRT]

Doughnut

Sorry that you had to go through all of that, there are many people here that can relate - you are not the only one.

Its hard to say, even if he were confirmed to be a pwBPD what he will or will not do. Him splitting you white again is enough for them to take you back. I saw my ex do this with her girlfriends where she indicated that she had not seen them for a while or even admitted to cutting them off (for some justifiable reason that was very nebulous when it was explained). She would paint them white after a year or two and act as if nothing had ever happened. While I was with her, I am not sure if it coincided with her beginning to split me black (in preparation for her flight) or or her happiness and security during our relationship compelled her to take a second look at the people that she cut off.

Generally speaking, pwBPD come back... .matter of fact, many of their former partners wish that the wouldn't since they become so unpleasant. It takes some hours or days while others reappear months or even years afterwards. Its been almost a year and a half for me and I have not heard a word from mine... .and I don't expect to either.

[livednlearned]

Hi Doughnut,

It's very painful when people blame us for their problems. I can see how it would be exceptionally painful if he tried to take his life and then blamed you.  :'(

People who have a hard time dealing with negative feelings often have very dysfunctional (or no real) coping mechanisms. They externalize the pain they feel because it is a more tolerable way to process it, even if doing so is not effective and just makes things worse for them. He must be in extraordinary pain and has no alternate tools to help him with his feelings.

Right now it sounds like he is not in good shape, and might not be able to tend to your pain while he's overwhelmed with his own. If he did reach out right now, how do you think it would go?

He's in the red zone right now. If you aren't in a good place (ie needing him to help you deal with your own emotions), it could be hard for both of you. His emotions are probably on tilt.

Being split white can turn quickly to black. Usually we have to be in a better place to handle the opportunities if they come our way.

Who is the person conveying information about him?

[Doughnut]

It certainly seems to make sense.

I actually met him on a forum; I'm hearing this from another member of the forum who interacts with him frequently. We'd been online friends for a while and then met up a few months ago.

What actually makes them 'split us white' again? I know it's usually if a relationship doesn't work out their end so they come back to us, but he isn't in a relationship now as far as I'm aware. Is that the only reason they actually split us white?

It's a complete dead end for me because all of my texts aren't even being read, and messages are being deleted straightaway. He must really despise me.  :'(

[livednlearned]

It's a difficult time for him at the moment. That may change.

Do you feel that the middle person is helping or making things worse? I guess I'm trying to understand the intent behind telling you that your ex is blaming his attempted suicide on you. It would also make me wonder what is being conveyed through a third-party.

[Doughnut]

I don't know when.

The person is a mutual friend so they definitely wouldn't be making it worse. They copied and pasted a message sent to him from him.

I tried calling him by withholding my number and he answered, but the second I said 'Hello' he put the phone down. So I'm still very much painted black.

[Doughnut]

Yesterday I had a horrible text message from him asking him why I'd even bothered trying to contact him, he was deliberately not reading any messages, deleting them all and deleting all voicemails without listening to them, and that no message had even reached me. He then put how I was never going to be forgiven and nothing would change that, and that I was the 'abuser'. He then ended the text with 'F*** Off'

It seems I'm still painted extremely black and I don't know if it's going to be reversed.

[livednlearned]

Since he is so angry right now, and you are an available target, maybe it's better to let him cool off while he's getting back to baseline?

[Doughnut]

Since he is so angry right now, and you are an available target, maybe it's better to let him cool off while he's getting back to baseline?

He contacted me today and firstly it resulted in an argument, where he was blaming me for everything, etc. and then he told me to ''F*** off and die you worthless *****"

I calmly sent him a text and told him that if he was willing to talk sensibly, calmly, then I'd talk to him.

He phoned again and we had a better chat. He even said he was prepared to give me a second chance and about us meeting up again.

We tried to Skype but his computer wasn't working properly so we had another brief phone chat. He sounded dopey on the phone and seemed eager to get away, saying he needed to 'chat another time'.

He then, 25 minutes later, sends me a text saying that I needed to ignore what happened today, he WASNT prepared to give me another chance and he shouldn't have contacted me. This has left me both confused and angry.

Can you make sense of this behaviour? I certainly can't.

[livednlearned]

The best way I can make sense of the behavior is to pay really close attention to my own feelings and how they work.

And then imagine someone who is hypersensitive, impulsive, and extremely rejection sensitive. People with BPD are quicker to trigger and have extreme emotional lability, and they're slower to return to baseline. They have an unstable sense of self and some experts say that they never properly individuated, so that there are fuzzy boundaries between themselves and others. Plus, there is a ton of shame going on, and this feedback loop goes on and on -- they are triggered, they explode, they feel angry, then when they return to baseline, they feel shame about their response, and around it goes again.

This is why people on the board refer to the emotional roller coaster. It takes a lot of empathy and a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured, and to pay attention to our own emotional reactions so that we can stay put on the ground while our loved ones rocket around on the roller coaster.

The communication skills here, like validation and SET, are designed to minimize the conflict. He is emotionally labile, and will probably continue to react in both good ways and difficult ways. Always, our task is to learn what it means to stay grounded, and not get on the roller coaster. And to communicate in ways that don't further escalate things.

Have you read the materials on validation?