Is it my fault?

[Zuzmat]

My 22 year old daughter has had mental health issues for about 7.5 years. It has been a turbulent and traumatic time for her and fir the rest of the family. She has recently had a formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am very pleased she has finally had a diagnosis and that it will mean that we will now have some structure to her treatments and recovery. It also helps her to make sense of what is going on.
Without wanting to appear selfish - I know this is about my daughter and getting her the help and support she needs - I feel quite devastated by the diagnosis, given that BPD is supposed to be caused by trauma and/or abuse in childhood. I believe that my children have all had lovely childhoods and that my husband and I have loved them and supported them in every way we can. I simply can't understand how my daughter will have experienced abuse or trauma. Has my parenting caused this debilitating condition? Is it all my fault?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

Zuzmat, hi and welcome  we're glad you're here. This is a tough road you're on but you'll find support and understanding here.

I simply can't understand how my daughter will have experienced abuse or trauma. Has my parenting caused this debilitating condition? Is it all my fault?

My D21 recently completely cut me out of her life, claiming all sorts of wild things. Up until last year, she told me I was the only parent who ever made her feel loved and understood. I don't believe she has BPD but I'm left reeling with some of the same questions you have.

It's common for BPD to result from trauma but I don't think it's a one-for-one certainty. BPD can be genetic, and trauma results from a host of life experiences. In my daughter's case, I think she has a lot of unresolved pain from my divorce.

Most of us parents do the best we can and fall within some range of normal. Don't absorb her diagnosis. It just is. Accepting that will come with grief, relief, sadness, anger and all sorts of other intense feelings.

That said, take this opportunity to learn more about you. This has been an opportunity for me to ask the hard questions, sort through who I am, what I've done well, what I've failed at, and where I want to be in the future. I can now verbalize with confidence where I failed as a parent. I can also state with confidence that I've been a really good mom, well within a normal range. I did my best and I'm worth knowing and loving. I'm thankful for this opportunity to assess all of this.

What's the next step in treatment for your daughter? Do you have a therapist?

[RobertX]

We have a very similar experience in that out Son (with BPD) uses the smallest detail from his childhood, and genuine mistakes that we (and I) have made to create a hugely damaging narrative.  he also blames us for not taking his mental health seriously.   We are finding the validation approach very useful as well as avoiding 'JADE'.  One of the most difficult things is for his narrative to effectively destroy a lovely upbringing with the rest of his family.  Old family videos have become too hard to watch  - showing how happy we all were.  Don't blame yourself, but perhaps get therapy and or coaching yourself to learn how to deal with your daughter, and support her in getting the right therapy, support and medication.  I don't think it will just get better with time?  Absolutely no expert and others may disagree?

[Rev]

Hi Z,

Also signing on to say welcome and to "listen" to the wisdom here. I have a 25 yr old daughter who has a bi-polar condition who refuses to get help. Suffice it to say, that in spite of everything I know, I still struggle.  Just this morning in fact.

So thank you for your post.

I look forward to hearing more from everyone.

Stay safe. Be well. Everyone hang in there.

Rev

[Zuzmat]

Thank you for the replies - it really helps to feel the support from people going through similar issues.
My daughter has been in hospital for a week now and I am a little calmer than I was. I'm still reeling from the diagnosis but I'm trying to accept that I have to look forward now and have to put my energies into trying to support her through this tough time. I will take the advice and when things are calmer I will try to review the past with a clear head.
I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to my post and I hope you are all coping ok with your own difficult situations. I am so glad I have found this forum. Thank you again.

[SinisterComplex]

My 22 year old daughter has had mental health issues for about 7.5 years. It has been a turbulent and traumatic time for her and fir the rest of the family. She has recently had a formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I am very pleased she has finally had a diagnosis and that it will mean that we will now have some structure to her treatments and recovery. It also helps her to make sense of what is going on.
Without wanting to appear selfish - I know this is about my daughter and getting her the help and support she needs - I feel quite devastated by the diagnosis, given that BPD is supposed to be caused by trauma and/or abuse in childhood. I believe that my children have all had lovely childhoods and that my husband and I have loved them and supported them in every way we can. I simply can't understand how my daughter will have experienced abuse or trauma. Has my parenting caused this debilitating condition? Is it all my fault?

Chiming in along with a partner in crime of mine the infamous REV. ;-)

So Zuz...something I want to point out. BPD being caused supposedly by trauma and/or abuse in childhood is a bit too much of an easy out. There are a lot of factors at play. So to that end I would say do not blame yourself with guilt. BPD is a monster and how that monster is created honestly is a bit too complex to simply say yep this or that is what caused it. It could be a genetic predisposition. It could be events your daughter experienced in school, or experiences away from you. There is a high probability that perhaps it has zero to do with you.

So please do not jump to conclusions and put that weight on yourself. This is one of those scenarios where the more likely truth and culprit is a perfect storm of things. Maybe you played a role, but then again maybe you didn't. I would hedge my bets on that a lot of this was out of your control. Sometimes you could be perfect and there will still be something you could not account for. In essence, all you can do is accept and embrace the variance. So please be kind to you and take care of yourself on that front. Strive to be the best parent you can be now and moving forward.

Also, please continue to keep venting as much as you need to. We are all here to help you and listen.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-