Getting a divorce

[Chili P]

Never been on an online community before, it feels weird. But I am in trouble. I'm in the process of divorcing and it is horrible he is crushing me and scaring me.

[flourdust]

Never been on an online community before, it feels weird. But I am in trouble. I'm in the process of divorcing and it is horrible he is crushing me and scaring me.

Welcome! Many of us are in the same boat -- I'm also in the process of divorce, and it's not a friendly experience (to put it mildly)!

Do you want to tell us more? What's the trouble right now?

[ForeverDad]

I was astonished how relaxed my divorce lawyer was.  You see, he had hundreds of cases under his belt.  He wasn't emotionally invested nor impacted.  Me, it was my life exposed and swinging in the wind, my parenting at risk too.  We all started out with endless fears and worries.  However, with time, distance and support we did overcome the worst of those feelings.

So take some deep breaths.  As peer support, though remote and anonymous, we have a wealth of collective wisdom, we've "been there, done that".  While we're not lawyers and thus can't give legal advice, we do have a pretty good sense of what strategies work and which strategies may not work, both practically and in court scenarios.

As for your fear that "he is crushing and scaring you", yes, that is so hard to deal with.  But once you file and the legal rules kick in, then little by little you'll see that his imposing presence is, at least in part, only what you've allowed him to do.  In plain English, don't let him live rent-free in your head.  (Yes, easier said than done.)

Can you share some of the issues, obstructions and pressures you're dealing with?

[Inneedofhelp]

Glad you made it here! I am pretty new to all of this too, but have found such support that I can tell you it is worth it. I too am finally starting the divorce process and too many years of separation but abuse nonetheless. What is he doing that scares you? I assume it is the rage and fear of abandonment that he is throwing at you. I have been threatened too many times-actually bullied into believing he is rational and that I am doing something wrong. Please know that you are trying to make a healthy choice-he probably just can't handle it. My hwBPD (although undiagnosed) actually told me today that I can't just decide something on my own (I told him to stop threatening me and that I didn't want to interact anymore unless there was a therapist or mediator)-he said that he gets to be part of the communication. I told him I have had enough and just need him to leave me alone. He was so angry-like a child being told no.

[livednlearned]

I'm in the process of divorcing and it is horrible he is crushing me and scaring me.

I understand.

If it is of any comfort, my ex (uBPD/narcissistic traits) was an ex trial attorney, and I felt the same way you describe. Remember that you have the ability to regulate your emotions, and problem solve. Your ex likely struggles with both. Learning to overcome the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) can help overcome the psychological hold he hopes to have.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy? It's required reading for those of us going through these divorces.

Any kids involved?

Let us know how you're doing when you feel ready. It's much easier to walk this path knowing you have support from people who truly understand and have been in your shoes.

LnL

[ugghh]

If your stbx is like many others, he will be quite free in expressing his opinion of the legal salvos he intends to throw your way.

Another small bit of wisdom, "Never take legal advice from your STBX."