We are not letting go!

[Skip]

What is this board about?  We summarize it here.

Sometimes it's good to stop for a minute a remind ourselves why we are here.  [L5] Parenting a Son or Daughter is a place to talk about how we can help our children (i.e., help, not enable) and do it in a way that we don't lose ourselves. This process is neither intuitive nor easy once you know the drill.  It's a tall order and it's why we need each other.  

[L5] Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering is based on the principals developed by the NEABPD and incorporated in their Family Connections program.  Researchers at Harvard University have determined that the #1 predictor of successful treatment and remission is a supportive family.  Supportive does not mean "doormat" it means strong, caring, directed, and with purpose.

What role do we play in the process of helping each other on this Board?  Education and perspective.  Education in that our more advanced members can help educate new comers.  Perspective in that we can help each other stay on game plan when we see another members being emotionally driven - we are here to center each other, motivate each other to stay the course - because there will be many days when that seems too hard.

Some of us may have given up.  That's OK.  It's a family decision that is yours to make. Fortunately, for anyone that feels this way, we have a board for letting go - detaching.  I ask that anyone in this "space" to please contact a moderator to gain access to that community instead of posting on this one.

Perry Hoffman Ed.D, Marsha Linehan Ph D, and Alan Fruzzetti Ph D, and John Gunderson MD have dedicated their lives to advance the families of a child with BPD.  They are passionate about this because they know that young adults can be recovered - families can be recovered.

Are you up for this?  I ask this sincerely of each of you.  Are you here to advance and improve your family?  :)o you want this?  Are you ready to do the work?

Sometimes it helps to step back and ask the most fundamental question.  

Skip

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eclaire5]

Thank you Skip. That was a good reminder. You are so right about emphasizing the difference between supporting and enabling. We can be validating and emotionally supportive but we do not need to be their door mats!

[vivekananda]

thanks Skip.

We can all get sucked into the vortex of negativity from time to time I suppose. This is a timely reminder. I love the calm logic.

cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Thanks skip

This is a good reminder of why I come here - to get refocused when I lose my way. To get refreshed on the tools and skills that I have been practicing since I arrived here in 2009. And it is good - I have changed myself and things are better. I have learned to never lose hope, and this board helps so much with that.

qcr  

[united for now]

It is tough work - and it often goes against what we've been doing - yet it offers all of us the best chance of creating an environment that promotes changes. We need to be the role models for change. Cause if we can't find the strength, then how can we expect them to?

As Skip says, the education and support that we offer each other to push forward is what we are all here for.

Nothing changes without changes   

[lbjnltx]

Without the support and skills that I learned here I would not have made it out of the FOG.  Without me making it out... .  neither would my daughter.  It begins with me.  The support and help we offered her had to be based on what I believe in. What I believe in is what has worked for me.  If it works for me, it can work for her. If it worked for us it can work for other families.

I have a responsibility to be honest and authentic with the other members here.  I can acknowledge their pain and the difficult situations they are in while I hold them accountable for moving forward using the skills.  Allowing them to stay stuck in the vent stage does not help them. Coming in and rescueing  them when they may be uncomfortable because another member is holding them accountable is a disservice to them and myself.  Just like our children, we want to help the members... .  not enable them to stagnate in their pain.I keep in the forefront of my mind that potentially hundreds of people will read the words I write.  What I write needs to be relevant for the member I am addressing, the current members reading, the guests (and there are 100's daily), and the members of the future. 

I want the members to know I care because they don't care how much I know until they know how much I care. My family's story is one of success based in real skills, personal accountability and faith.  It is about personal accountability, willingness to do ourselves what we want our children to do... .  before and as we ask our children to do it, and then paying it forward.

lbjnltx

[vivekananda]

It is about personal accountability, willingness to do ourselves what we want our children to do... .  before and as we ask our children to do it

that's the logic of it indeed. If we can't change why should we expect our kids to? It's hard for us, it's harder for them.

[Being Mindful]

Thank you Skip for this thread.

Changing ourselves, looking at ourselves, supporting each other, educating ourselves and then actually using all that we have learned is invaluable not just for ourselves but also for the person in our lives that suffer with BPD. I am thankful for this site, for the caring members, and the education received to make MY changes within me. This has helped me out of the chaos and back into a life where I can meet my daughter where she is at. I am so glad that I am no longer stuck in anger, frustration and an unwillingness to keep wearing my blinders and with a closed mind that said... .  my daughter needs fixing. We all needed to change and I had to look at the hard truths about me and stop making things worse.

Being Mindful

[somuchlove]

This board has been wonderful.  Skip makes it very clear.  THere are many stages that I/we go through.  If it weren't for the wonderful people here, staying positive, pointing out what needs to be and how to do it, understand when we post the same questions time after time the strength to repeat and repeat to us.   I have gone through anger, denial, why can't I just say... .  etc.  Yet, as the time passes I see more clearly that it is what I need to do. 

I thank everyone here for that.

[qcarolr]

Here again I can see how far off track I have been since my BPDDD27 started her spiral down in Feb 2013. I do not even remember posting on this thread back in Jan 2013!

Sometimes I think I can only survive if I let go and give up. But I know I will not be willing to do that, and it sure increases my suffering when I am in conflict about this. I have watched the videos, taken notes, read the books-articles-workshops again.

So, need to use all these awesome resources to stay connected with DD, figure out what is her's to solve and where she really needs my help. That is the hard part.

Thanks for bumping this up. I needed this today.

qcr

[Rapt Reader]

This is a good refresher on the reasons we read and post on this Board, and with the New Year in force, a good time to begin or re-direct our journeys to peace of mind, if necessary.

I, personally, have found so much strength in reading the links to the right-hand side of this page, and the Feature Articles linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the threads. I learn something new every day, about myself and my loved ones, and love that knowledge is power, and that power is helping me find peace in my relationships and family life.

If you are new to the site, Welcome! If you have been lurking, we'd love to hear your story. If you are a veteran, thanks for being a part of our support community. Sharing our experiences and insights make us all stronger!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[rationalmind]

It is easy to give up.  Our parent coach who is an expert in DBT reminds me that she is only not quite 18.  Would be a very different scenario I think for a much older adult child.

[jellibeans]

This board has given me so much and at times when I feel lost and without hope... .I find it here. I will never give up... .I remind myself that there are better days ahead.

[teachersub]

Hi, I found this website in Dec. and have posted my story on it. I am grateful for the responses and advice. In reading through the postings on this board,it seems that the majority of the parents have been dealing with BPD children who are still a physical presence because they live at home or have frequent contact. My problem (see posts)is that my son has not lived with me for years (he is 43 and undiagnosed)and both times he went NC I had no way of getting to him, especially this time when he has blocked every way I could send him a message.His fiancee (grandchild's mom) has also blocked me, as has her mother.

     I just read this post about not giving up. I am still so conflicted since my son is not physically part of my daily life, and I'm sure that makes it easier for him to remain NC. Where does that leave me? I don't feel as though I have any options. It was a year ago this month that I last saw my then 4month old granddaughter. I think I either have to give up, or spend the rest of my life wondering and grieving.

[lever.]

This has made me contemplate the difference between letting go and giving up.

I think that sometimes, particularly in no contact situations we need to emotionally let go for our own sanity. We can keep gently reaching out but we have to radically accept that we can't control the outcome.

In fact in many other situations we can only act in the best way we can but we can't control the outcome.

This is a little different from giving up.

There is always hope.

I agree with jellibeans that this site has given me hope when I have felt very discouraged.

I am a bit low today. I feel as if I am the one making all the effort in all my close relationships (with DH, both DDs and some other people).

I feel as if I am very careful in the way I communicate with them but that they feel free to be very sharp with me if something else upsets them.

Coming on here and reading over the "tools" helps-and there is always a listening ear when there isn't one in "real life".

I suppose letting go is a form of detaching with love whereas giving up is ceasing to care and losing hope.

 to everyone going through similar struggles.

[lever.]

Have been doing a bit more thinking  .

I think it also relates to willfulness v willingness.

Willfulness= "Why should I read all this and put all this effort in when no-one seems concerned about MY feelings"

Willingness= being prepared to do whatever is necessary to improve the situation.

Also is it possible to work on being more emotionally detached whilst still making an honest,constructive effort to help?

[lbjnltx]

Also is it possible to work on being more emotionally detached whilst still making an honest,constructive effort to help?

Yes, through Radical Acceptance

lbj

[qcarolr]

For me this has also been a practice in taking care of myself enough to feel worthy of the boundaries that I need to remain detached and hopeful. Is this a part of Radical Acceptance?

Last week a major boundary was crossed in our home with DD28. I have never been able to confront this disregard without lots of angst and emotion in the past. I did it well last week, and DD has accepted the limits. She has made a choice about where to live so she can be with her 'people', and knows we love her and she can visit with advance notice.

This is such a clear experience of 'detachment with LOVE' for me and perhaps for DD as well.

qcr