Surviving my 29 year old daughter's chaos

[mcbetsy]

Hello to all of you who are moving through the challenges of raising adult children with BPD.

I have struggled to find a place where I can talk about these things and the feelings they illicit in me. I have recently begun to struggle with how I feel about deciding not to engage any longer with my DD29. She has been extremely difficult since she was a small child. I was 17 when I had her and she spent much time with my parents who were in a dysfunctional relationship tainted by the alcohol abuse of one of them and the enabling behaviors of the other. As a single parent with a child whose father never participated in her life physically or financially, I needed to utilize all the help I could get.  While this dysfunction is yet another story entirely, my daughter has been part of a loving family that supported her and was there for her at every turn, through every bad decision.

Since she was very young, she had a sense of extreme entitlement. Often, very often, insinuating herself and her needs on everyone else in the family as well as friends. She is never responsible for her bad decisions (in her mind) and the world is out to get her... .always making her life more difficult. Her son, our GS8 is stuck with her day in and day out because she has created so many obstacles to him attending school (he has attended 5 different schools in 3 years) that he can no longer attend. She owns a business and has a tutor for him so he goes to work with her each day. She isolates him and has had 2 reports with Child Protective Services placed on her and she has threatened suicide twice that I am aware of.

Her irrational behavior and lack of self control have served as an example to our GS which has made it difficult for him to assess what his own behavior should be. There is a great expectation that my husband and I will drop everything and be babysitters, take on caring for our GS when she doesn't feel like it as well as being on call whenever she is having a bad day so she can call and berate us, threaten us that we won't see our GS again, call us names, and even as of late make up stories about things that happened when she was younger during her most tumultuous times.

While things were never easy with her, we have 2 other children who lived perfectly normal and peaceful lives with us and still do. We are very close and do things together all the time (they are adults now). They have a very hard time communicating with their sister and are often frustrated by her and very intolerant of her behaviors. This has made it difficult for them because they love their nephew (our GS) and would like to spend time with him, but she makes it so unpleasant that it is an unappealing idea. Family holidays have become so unpleasant just to have her present that this year I don't plan to make any attempt to include her. She isn't capable of coming and enjoying laughter and ease and fun. She is always suspicious of everything and everyone for no reason.

I have to also share to put this in perspective that her biological father is diagnosed Paranoid Schizophrenia. Our DD will NOT seek brief therapy or any sort of counseling because she is afraid of his diagnosis. She insists she is mentally well and this is clearly not the case. She has gotten progressively worse and we are at the place where we believe we need to go to family court to obtain visitation with our GS. She will go off on a rant for nothing and then swear she is never letting us see him again. Then we and our GS have to wait until it all blows over to get to see each other. He has gotten to the place where he keeps everything we get him in his room at our house. He will come to visit and sit in his room and look at the things he has collected with us and will not take them home to play with. He is afraid she will arbitrarily take them away from him when she is out of control. She has done this many times because she knows he cares about the special things we get him.  

Anyway... .this has just been exhausting for so many years and I'm at a place where I am no longer engaging with her... .no longer arguing, responding, or accepting blame for her problems. She is not happy with this at all and her behaviors have elevated since I've taken this stance.  I feel that I'm in a good place mentally with this but it is never easy to respond to her chaos. These outbursts occur about once per week at this point and I have lost all interest in a relationship with her.

I know many of you have experienced these feelings as I have read these things here. As much as we love her and know what a hard working woman she has been and how she has overcome struggles of single motherhood herself, we can no longer just lay down and take it when she dishes it out.  We don't have interest in being in relationship with her, in even trying to engage wither her, or even working on it.  We have tried all that and have been disappointed time and time again. We can't do it anymore. We just want to see our GS and ease any confusion and pain he may be experiencing throughout this.  

Thank you for letting me spill all of this. I'm so glad to have found this group. It's been amazing to read others' accounts of experiencing this sort of thing. If I never posted or got a response, just reading would be enough to help me see I am not alone.  Being the mother of a child who struggles this way can be a nightmare. I'm ready to wake up.

Thank you for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, mcbetsy & 

Your situation with your daughter sounds really tough; I feel so bad for her son! My goodness... .this has got to be so tough for him to deal with. I hope there is a way that you and your Husband can stay in his life, while avoiding your daughter and her troubles if possible. When was the last time you saw him? Is your State calling him "home-schooled" or something like that? Does he ever get to see kids his own age to socialize with and just have some "kid time"? Does he have any cousins he can socialize with? His situation just sounds so sad to me... .

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page yet? THE LESSONS and the TOOLS are really helpful in giving us some sort of insights into how our BPD children's minds work (even our adult children), and can help us learn how to navigate some of the minefields that are part and parcel of that relationship. And, at the top of the front page of the Parenting Board are 4 photos with Feature Articles linked to below them; I highly recommend reading them when you have the chance.

I can't tell you how much they've helped me, not only with my relationship with my BPD adult (37) son, but also with the other BPD loved ones in my life    I'm really happy you found us, mcbetsy, and I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story, and answering any questions you might have... .We're here for you 

[qcarolr]

Being the mother of a child who struggles this way can be a nightmare. I'm ready to wake up.

mcbetsy     I too am glad that you found us here at bpdfamily parenting board. I feel like I am finally waking up. DD28 is still struggling, I am doing OK. I am more hopeful, and more realistic, than in the past. The links on the sidebar are a guide to skills that work for many of us.

The most important thing I learned here was listening to others when they asked "How are you taking care of yourself?" At first, and for most of my life, my focus was on how to take care of someone else. This got turned on high as a mom, especially with a difficult child. Like I had it in my power to control the outcomes! "This is not about me, this is about how to fix my DD". It has taken a gradual healing process to believe taking care of my needs is very important. Otherwise I cannot be here for my family in a healthy way. I am finally getting some benefits from 'taking care of myself'.

In your story here it appears that you are reaching that point where taking care of yourself has to take priority. Your DD's increase in acting out behaviors is expected. You have changed your 'rules' - new boundaries. What kinds of support do you and your dh have in place? It is good that you have are close with you other kids, though there are tensions here as well. Do you have access to a therapist or counselor that is familiar with BPD and the current suggested treatments? How do you shift you mind off all this for a bit?

I also know the grieving about a grandchild suffering with a disturbing parent. My dh and I are raising our gd9. We got legal custody when she was a baby. DD still has anger about this, that it was not temporary. The judge made it permanent. We all expected it to be for a year, including the lawyer. We were very fortunate that the daddy convinced DD they would not win in court so they voluntarily gave us custody. The daddy left a couple months after that -- a homeless "traveler". He has been in prison much of the time since then for being stupid when drunk/high. I am so glad he is far away.

Our DD held us hostage always threatening to take her away and not see either of them again. We knew she would not make this last - she is unable to hold a job for various reasons not all related to BPD. I was getting so sick from the daily trauma. Social Services made an investigation and since we were providing care for gd (9 months at that time) they closed the case. DD got pregnant again. We kept an emotional distance from our gs. He was in foster care at 5 mos and later adopted by the foster parents at age 2. He is doing fine from what I can see on facebook. He just turned 7 and lives in another state. I don't think DD blames me so much anymore for not rescuing her with this child as well, and the dysfunctional marriage that went with it. This daddy was deported back to Mexico, Dd relinquished her son, he was free for adoption.

Your grandson needs you so much. Can you find a good lawyer that has experience with non-parent situations? You said there have been a couple social services reports. Do you know how those got resolved? The isolation of your gs needs to be overcome in some way -- you know this. My gd9 has anxiety issues, ADHD, and is benefiting from therapy. We could not protect her from the all trauma of contact with her mom. DD has been in/out of our home, though mostly gone even when living here. I am very grateful for the Attachment Based Family Therapy model that we have access to at our county mental health center.

Keep coming back. Let us know how things are going with your family There are lots of grandparents here. Hope to hear from some of them too.

qcr

[js friend]

Hi mcbetsey

My dd19 has 2 children and reading your story I can pick out many similarities. My dd will never give up her children because they are her main source of income, and they are used as weapons to control our family and her ex partner. I really believe that in the future she will lose them as she is so unstable.

I know how hard it is to take a step back when then are gc are involved and they are the main reason why Iam still engaged with my own dd. 

[strongwoman]

I too have a granddaughter involved in the same situation who my husband and I cared for but because of my daughter's impulsive behavior and verbal abuse feel unable to contact for over a week. We are hurting as we don't want to call because our granddaughter is only four. I signed up for counselling today as I am tired of putting up with her manipulation and abuse.

[parent of bpd daughter]

YOU ARE NOT ALONE and there are many of us who really relate to this painful situation. I too had my BPDD - now in her 30's - when I was very young. Looking back now I see I was very stupid to have a child at such a young age, knowing her biological father had mental illness in his family. When we know better, we do better,

and I was stupid, young and hoping to build the loving family I never had. It didn't work.

I have been no contact too many times. I also have 1 other daughter who is non-BPD but seeks therapy for the anxiety she has due to her sister's extreme behaviors while she was growing up.

No contact sucks over the holidays especially - and we've done all we can. IF you are not in therapy yourself, I would suggest doing so, this is hard and it will take a very long time to sort through things to make this more comfortable for you.

My BPDD also has a baby now - and also (predictably) uses this baby as control and manipulation tool. BPD's sometimes don't see human beings as "human" but as objects in their games that they play to gain attention and control. This baby may as well be my neighbor's or a co-workers' - I have zero connection. I "stalk" facebook sometimes as she has never allowed me to "friend" her officially. Honestly the only reason I do that is to ensure

there are no red flags that she will be killing someone or other harmful things. This is my main concern and guilt - that I have brought a presence into the world that has done and can do more harm to humanity. I brought evil into this world and I believe it will be my responsibility to monitor it until I myself die.

I have initiated the no contact myself, my grandma used to say "Eyes that don't see cannot feel" I agree - I try hard to pretend she doesn't exist - no pictures, no stories, no nothing except in my prayers, prayers that she does no harm - it's how I get by.

Good luck to you - you are not alone.

[pessim-optimist]

hello mcbetsy,



I understand both your feelings of not wanting to deal with your daughter any more and your pain and worry about being able to see your grandson.

When our child's behaviors are so out of control that they harm us so much, we eventually reach a point of saying: "I love my child, but I can't take this any more." And we usually need a bit of a break. With time, and as you learn more about BPD and how to protect yourself from the chaos and the traumatic experiences, you may choose to be in touch again.

As far as the situation with your grandson, it may be worth researching the laws in your area and consulting a lawyer to find out what your chances are for getting visitation rights. In some places it is very difficult to make that happen, though. Here is another thread about this topic:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=145769.0

I understand how you feel about this. It is fairly common for a child w/BPD to hold their children hostage and to treat them as pawns - to withhold them whenever they feel displeased with us, or to threaten that to get what they want. We have been cut off from our grandchildren multiple times, and it is heart-wrenching. Not to even speak of the trauma it creates in them.

You will have to weigh both options:

1. Possibly getting visitation and dealing with the emotional fallout from your daughter towards you and towards your grandson (is he likely to be punished for this when you aren't around?)

2. Doing your best to protect yourselves AND at the same doing your best to keep a positive connection as much as possible with your daughter, so you have access to your grandson.

Which one would be over-all better? (Only you are the experts on your own family)

[Tim300]

and even as of late make up stories about things that happened when she was younger during her most tumultuous times.

It seems like folks with BPD love to tell tales about experiencing child abuse.       

[Wishing-and-Hoping]

This all sounds so familiar. We too have a DD32 with 2 sisters that don't have much to do with her anymore. We have guardianship of our GS10 but she is taking us to court to have our guardianship terminated. I don't think she will get him back though. Since we have had guardianship, she has been in jail for destruction of personal property, gotten a DUI. 

I hope everything goes well for you.  Our daughter also used her sons as a weapon and threatened to never let us see them again. She always came back though because she always needed something from us eventually.

[UK Mum]

I feel so very sad [and somewhat ashamed] that reading this thread has really helped me cope with what I am going through with my BPDD27 and DGS [8 months]

Recently, I felt I had to take drastic action to 1. Primarily safeguard my DGS and 2. Send out a message loud and clear to my daughter that I will not be held to ransom and abused, for fear of being deprived of a much loved DGS

I remember vividly taking my daughter to her first ante-natal appointment, as we got in the car she said “you won’t be able to **** me off now or I won’t let you see the baby”

I truly send heartfelt wishes to everybody in this situation …. and I especially pray for the children of these BPD parents … I often pray so hard that my DGS can feel my love in his soul, because he is not able to feel it in the physical …. and I am sorry but I loathe my daughter for depriving him of that.

[Tim300]

“you won’t be able to **** me off now or I won’t let you see the baby”

Wow.  I know that my BPD ex-fiancee would have pulled this pawn game if we had a baby.  She used her engagement ring in this manner, but a baby with me would have been her ultimate chess piece.  It's so sad that these folks seem to think life is only about games of power and control.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Worried Mom23]

So when do you say enough is enough... .I don't ever see myself doing it... .Im miserable most of the time however I do what I do for my grandkids.  Im pretty sure my daughter has BPD and only recently discovered what this was. Every since my youngest GD who is now 7 has been born I have been threatened if I don't do this well she will take her from me.  I have to say 90 percent of the time I have both my GD's now the littlest one is 1 and half... .I don't fight for guardianship because the father would also fight me ... he also has some mental problems which he was diagnosed with at age 16 ODD and im pretty sure he is BI-Polar never diagnosed with that however... he is into drugs pretty bad.  My daughter has left him Im sure they will be back together again this has went on for 9 yrs now back and forth.  I did a lot of blaming him for her actions however after finding out about BPD I know he isn't the reason for her problems however he is a big hindrances to her and makes the BPD in her so much worse.  I will do whatever I have to for my granddaughters.  There are times I want to just run away cause I can not take the abuse from my daughter anymore however because of those babies I will stay and deal with it.  I have cried and cried when I finally read and put a name to what my daughter has went thru and I realize some of the things she has done isn't her fault and Im now relieved.  I just hope one day I can get her some kinda help. I would never tell her I feel she has a problem.  As of right now the kids see there dad supervised and she has custody which basicly means I have custody I continue to have them most of the time.  One day my daughters yelling at me telling me to stay out of her life the next day she is calling me asking me to go to lunch with her.  Rollercoaster is an gentle word for the ride im on.  Im so glad I found this group and so glad I discovered the words Borderline Personality disorder cause at least I know what im dealing with now and I can arm myself with information