Calling the Game

[Rainbow777]

I've struggled in my relationship with my 30 year old daughter since before she left for college 12 years ago.  A few years back, she estranged herself from me for four years.  It was an indescribably difficult time.  I never knew what I'd done to deserve that.  I was sick with worry the entire time. She began to come around after she broke up with her boyfriend at the time~ the first one she'd dated that I didn't like because of his arrogance.  Now she is involved with 'another boyfriend' who was wholly disrespectful to me the day I first met him, and who I've opted not be around.  My daughter knows how I feel, and we don't mention him which is like having a white elephant in the room.  Heretofore, we've enjoyed honest communications when we are together despite all the disruptions.  We were very close when she was growing up; she is my only child. Her father and I divorced when she was very young.  We both remained single and he was active in her life until he married again about the years ago, and now has three much younger daughters.  My daughter and I love each other deeply. I've only recently begun to 'come out of denial' and recognize fully that she suffers from BPD although I've suspected as much over the years and have read much about the disorder.  I now see clearly that her behavior strongly represents the same behavior I lived with when I was married to her father.

She  set me up two Christmases in-a-row by failing to show up after committing to spending Christmas with me.  This year she told me she was 'going on a trip by herself for five days,' because she needed time alone which left me feeling gravely concerned.  Who does that at Christmas-time?  It turns out she went out of town with her boyfriend; I suspect he might have surprised her with 'a Christmas gift,' shortly before Christmas.  Not knowing that she was going off with him, I sent her several text messages of love and concern.  She stone-walled those but sent me a text Christmas day saying she loved me.  When I responded back that her presents would be waiting for her when she was ready to come by, she, excitedly responded back that she'd be over the evening of January 2nd.  Despite making many mistakes in the past, I'd begun working on being 'the steady supporter' oftentimes violating my personal boundaries to help heal her abandonment issues.  Nonetheless, she'd been coming around; we had a lovely Thanksgiving together.  Her 'lying' to me is a new thing.

I sent her a text this morning (she won't speak with me on the phone) and asked her to please let me know if she was coming over tomorrow, so I could prepare either way.  I still have the tree up.  I didn't hear back after several hours and finally sent her another text saying something like: "I'll be here with open arms when you are able to respect our relationship and engage in open communication.'  Sigh, sigh.

I'm no longer able to tolerate her 'being the boss of my life,' with the mistreatment.  What a conundrum.  As her mother, I'm not teaching her to treat others with respect when I allow her to disrespect me.  The dilemma for me is my demonstration to her of 'conditional love' by setting boundaries because her treatment of me is not only unacceptable but also eats away at my life force after all of these years, when I otherwise, truly do love her 'unconditionally.'  Have I abandoned her, after all, by setting boundaries which basically say being treated like this is unacceptable when I know she is not well?   I can't seem to win either way because when I don't hear from her I suffer, as well.  Hopefully, I've grown stronger this time around and will be able to step back and give the situation the space it needs for her to recognize her problem.  I guess I've finally called the game.

What a difficult, difficult struggle.  Any words of wisdom?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[enlighten me]

One thing I noticed with my ex wife is that she liked to comparmentalise people. I was fed all sorts of tales of how horrible her mum was. This put me on edge around her. Maybe her current boyfriends arrogance has been primed by her. My ex wife is constantly in contact with her mum as she is her anchor. Why she says these things has baffled me but I suppose its a number of things. Firstly she is jealous of anyone who gets close to her mum. Secondly it stops people finding out the truth. Thirdly it helps to explain away her behaviour.

[qcarolr]

I'm no longer able to tolerate her 'being the boss of my life,' with the mistreatment.  What a conundrum.  As her mother, I'm not teaching her to treat others with respect when I allow her to disrespect me.  The dilemma for me is my demonstration to her of 'conditional love' by setting boundaries because her treatment of me is not only unacceptable but also eats away at my life force after all of these years, when I otherwise, truly do love her 'unconditionally.'  Have I abandoned her, after all, by setting boundaries which basically say being treated like this is unacceptable when I know she is not well?   I can't seem to win either way because when I don't hear from her I suffer, as well.  Hopefully, I've grown stronger this time around and will be able to step back and give the situation the space it needs for her to recognize her problem.  I guess I've finally called the game.

This sounds so similar to my situation with my BPDDD28. I love her with my wholeheart. It has taken a lot of mistakes on my part yet with the support I have built for myself things are overall better between us. I do not tolerate any abusive behavior - verbal, emotional, or physical (or threat of physical). The police have been called many times. She says she is ready to move in a new direction. I still struggle with the doubts about my support for her. Emotional, financial, family, basic needs (food, housing, phone, etc.).

Setting successful boundaries starts with looking at what is important to our own needs. This forum started me on a path of self-care. I still resist taking care of myself. So I have built a good support network for myself over the past couple years. A personal T, seeking family support from my gd9's T (we have had custody of her since babyhood), learning to ask directly for comfort from my dh and offering him the same, reconnecting with my faith.

It is so easy to isolate ourselves. Others - family and friends - backed out of our lives. The neighbors disapproved of our choices with DD and some of her friends (they were right, we needed better boundaries) - their isolation had a very traumatic impact on gd since she could not longer play at their houses and the little friends could not play at our house. This has improved greatly with a period not allowing DD in our home -- and she was in jail most of 2014 for probation violation (DUI and harassment with exbf).  That break was most helpful, though I have to aware of gullibility with her temporarily in our home waiting for an apartment - she is on a waiting list with an approved application.

Here is a good workshop on "Living our Boundaries". It has helped me often.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Let us know what you think applies to you? It takes effort to learn to balance our unending love for our child and keep our core values intact. Hope this is helpful for you.

qcr

[Rainbow777]

Thank you for sharing the link. I read it, and will read it often.  It sounds like you love your daughter and your grandson very much, she's put you through a lot, and you're coming out on top with emotional growth and strength. 

Whew- this is challenging.

I loved the quote that came at the bottom of your response.  I'm going to print that out and keep it in a spot where I can see it, so I can refer to it when the going gets rough. 

As the world turns, after I sent my daughter text yesterday setting my boundaries about 'the silent treatment' from her not being acceptable, she texted back to say she would like to come over this evening for 'our Christmas.'  This will certainly be an opportunity to breathe deeply (and often), steady myself, listen and learn.  I'm going to remind me of that all day long. 

Thank you again for taking the time to reply.  Enjoy your day!

[qcarolr]

Rainbow777 -

How did things go with your DD's visit?

qcr

[Rainbow777]

Thank you for caring enough to follow up!

I was... .most pleasantly surprised!

I had no idea what I was in for but I was determined to follow the S.E.T. concept.

It's interesting how much 'I've' been stretched to grow and learn through this long process.

What I'm starting to gleam is that I am a bigger influence in my daughter's thoughts than I have been led to believe by much of her behavior.  That means a lot to me, since I 'am' her mother.  She's also growing up which is an encouraging thing to witness.

We had a very nice dinner, she shared insights with me from her heart, we opened presents (as if it were Christmas!) and went through a container of memorabilia that went back in some part to my youth, to her youth, to memories of my parents, etc.  We laughed a lot, and she cried.  She's kept a lot of things in, and I'm glad she was able to release some of her pain.

For 'me,' now, I have to pull back and 'let her be' until she is ready to re-establish communications.  That's been very difficult for me in the past because I've not been understanding enough of her issues and have, therefore, been impatient, critical, and have  taken things personally.  Plus, truly, there's no one I'd rather be with than her, so I bask in her company when we spend time together, and then she pulls away.  I'm beginning to get the gist of it.

Anyway, I think our evening together was a definite milestone and turned out to be very, very special.

Who would have 'thunk' all of this, as my Dad used to say.  It seems 'the dance of love and pain' can offer a lot in the way of deeper riches  Sort of the ole 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, sort of deal." This one's for the major leagues! 

Thank you so much for following up.

How are you?

[qcarolr]

Rainbow777 - I am so happy that you can carry this wonderful time with your DD in your heart. For me I realize yet again that things run in cycles so these positive experiences become so valuable to me.

With my DD28 she seems to be maturing in a very very slow process. When she is able to be self-reflective, and we can share about things that are somewhat a mystery, there is growth. I have to remind myself to maintain constant patience. She is carrying forward through her chaotic episodes some of these insights. My T asked me today what emotional age I would guess for DD28. Most of the time it is early 20's, so some of her responses and choices make a bit more sense.

I am so surprised how a sense of peace sticks with me regardless of the challenges in my day. In August I was ready to just give up on everything and everyone. In reaching out to those in my support network I have come a ways toward recovery. Looking back I can see that my moods have been so connected to how DD is doing, and what she is asking from me.

I have been able to clarify our family 'rules' and this allowed DD to find temporary shelter on our family room sofa. This week was a trial in working my boundaries based on these 'rules' -- and am still whole. DD broke the most important boundary - none of her friends are allowed here - by bringing home a man we had never met before. Her boyfriend of the week. She is now living homeless to be with him - he is homeless 'traveler'. Today she sent a text wanting to come for 'some family time' with her bf. I was able to text back in positive language what she could do, instead of saying what she could not do. So she has been invited to come BY HERSELF on Saturday for a visit. She has not yet responded.

It is important to remember that DD has bonded in the superficial way of the homeless community. She has been homeless, even when our home is available to her, much of the past 5 years. I have finally come to a place to be more accepting this is her reality.

Rainbow777 I will keep you in my thoughts hoping for more times of contact with your DD that go well.

qcr