Need input for dealing with No Contact

[hard2bhopeful]

Hello,

I'm looking for input from parents who have been "cut out" of their BPDAC's life.   My D did this the first time when she was 19. - She wanted no contact and went so far as a restraining order to accomplish it.  That lasted for 5 months before she reconnected with me - I was the greatest thing in her life for awhile ( all white) which is a very diffucult thing to deal with in itself.  She never allowed any real conversation about what had happened.  When I broached the subject, she would very abruptly say "I don't want to talk about that"... .and so began my walking on eggshells dance once again.  I was so afraid she would cut me out again.  As it turns out, no matter what I did it was going to happen anyway.  I have not seen my daughter since 2011. She is 26 now.  I think it is very different for parents - I have read and re-read books about the illness.  I have a therapist of my own (I have GAD and PTSD) - I pray, I meditate, I allow myself to grieve, but it is neverending.  There is this ache I can't shake.  I am perpetually sad.  Of course I have many good days - but my missing her and my wanting to reconnect just seems to always be lurking there inside me.  I have supportive, understanding people in my life - but even they admit they can not imagine what I experience.  One of my D's cousins who had BPD/NPD as well died of a drug overdose - I speak with her mom and said that I was so sorry that she has lost her daughter to this illness... .she said that at least she has closure - that death has allowed her to compete the grief cycle and she feels that what I experience is much worse.

I am looking for other parents who have had similar experience.  How do you deal with it?  Do you give up hope of reconnecting?  I have tried reaching out to her but it seems to just shut her down even more.  My punishment is seemingly lengthened and here I am.  So many people tell me to send her emails just letting her know I love her.  I've done it.  Kept it simple, upbeat and loving - she shuts down even more.  Is it best to give her total space and time?  I almost feel as though I have to abandon hope in order to be able to move on and live my life.

Thank you,

Hard2bhopeful

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

It really is different for parents of children with BPD; as a parent (especially a Mom, I think) we don't generally want to go No Contact with our child... .We don't want to "divorce" them or lose them forever. It really hurts, and trying to make things better with our child can become all-consuming and stressful.

Since you are having to deal with your daughter's imposition of No Contact for now, does that include email or snail mail? I ask this, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this "letter" from Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

Because of a time of No Contact put into effect by my Daughter-In-Law (who seems to have BPD traits), I've actually sent this exact letter in an email, with my Daughter-In-Law's name here and there, with some specific S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) mentions of a few of her grievances before the statement. I didn't go into all of them, but pinpointed the ones that I knew were at the crux of her angst. Then I acknowledged how she felt about each matter, told her that if I looked at it the way she did--or if I thought someone was doing that to me--I would feel the same way that she did. And then I mentioned the truth of the situation, not using the words "but" or "however" (which can be tricky; I had to be inventive   ).

The first time I sent this type of email with this statement above (in bold here), it was to both my son and my D-I-L because he was supporting her No Contact and threats of not letting us see their child once he was born. After that 1st email, my son came around and began communicating with us again, in a very good way. A few months later, I sent the above statement (exactly as written, with her name here and there to personalize it), with S.E.T. for her grievances. At that time, she softened and even became warm with us, and things have been very good ever since.  Can you let us know more about how things are going, hard2bhopeful? We'd love to help you 

[lever.]

Hello hard2bhopeful

I also found myself in a no contact situation with my daughter-although it only lasted for a few months. You are doing your best to live your life positively yet the hurt and distress is clear in your post. It is so hard and upsetting for a mother not to be in contact with her child.

I am posting just to tell you that I was given the same advice that RaptReader has given to you-and it is excellent advice.

I e-mailed my daughter with a modified version of the Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration and I did get a reply.

The first reply was an e-mail full of anger, hate and distress-but it was contact.

It was difficult to read but I kept responding in the same vein-acknowledging how she felt about each matter-without going so far as to agree with untruths. I just tried to see everything from her perspective.

It has been effective. I am now in contact with my daughter and grandchildren. It can still be difficult and there is still a very superficial quality to the relationship-but it is better.

Valerie Porr's book really is excellent.

I hope it helps you. In the meantime do look after yourself and keep on building up other areas of your life.

This board has been a great support to me. When I was first in contact with my daughter I actually ran some of my e-mails past people and had a lot of help.

I also learned to take things slowly, not to pressure my daughter, let time elapse between my efforts to make contact and take tiny little steps forward.

Do let us know how things go.

[hard2bhopeful]

First of all, thank you both so much for responding.  I have sent that exact same letter to my D - I love Valerie's book... .I still got no response.  Everything I know of her I know from what other's have told me.  I know she divorced her husband in 2012, that she is gay now and engaged to a young woman who I have not ever met.  She is not working but is going to school full time and volunteering.  In many ways she is doing well. 

Her father abandoned us when she was 11. He is an alcoholic and admits to having abused her.  He told me "I f*%#*! her up so bad before I left, you didn't stand a chance."  I do not know if she remembers this abuse that he speaks of or not.  I know that many of her memories are skewed to the point of being unrecognizable. After the divorce, I raised her alone - not always knowing what to do with her high level emotions.  I always had her in therapy and she was diagnosed with bipolar rapid cycle.  Her diagnoses didn't change to BPD/NPD until she became an adult.

I met my now husband when she was a senior in high school.  She and I had been very close through the years but there were also lot's of rages and suicide threats. She began cutting when she was 12. (only where people could not see)  She became more emotional and distant when my now husband and his two children came around.  She loved them, but it was hard for her to see me parent other kids. 

She imposed this no contact in her therapists office after she had gone through one of her many periods of not answering her phone when I called.  She was angry and out of sorts because nothing felt the same to her anymore - it was hard for her to come to my house.  Many of the pets we had had when she was younger had passed - she could not handle the change.  It was as if she wanted to be able to move on with her life, but wanted me to live in this bubble that she could come back to as she needed - always the same.  She did not know how to transition our relationship out of parent/child to parent/adult child.  She was having psychotic breaks and rages.  Her therapist said it was very important that I respect the no contact so that she could find herself.  That being said, I think that any contact from me has been viewed as disrespecting her wishes.  She has always had a thing about needing to "change herself" for other people.  She has cut out her entire family all these years.  I just want to be able to talk to my daughter.  I know where she lives, but I can't go there.  Any help or suggestions are welcome.  Am I the only parent out there who has been dealt this hand?  Has just giving them space ever paid off as opposed to continuing to try to reconnect when they have stated that they do not want connection?

hard2bhopeful :'(

[Rapt Reader]

I really am sorry for the ongoing pain you are going through, hard2bhopeful. And, no, you are not the only one going through a long-term No Contact with a grown child. It's never easy, and when we can't even communicate with our own flesh and blood, it leaves a hole in our heart that doesn't seem to be filled up with anything else. I've lived it with my (ironically) non-BPD son and his wife, though it didn't last as long as yours has been. But it did really hurt, and I do know what you are going through.

I do know that during that No Contact period (many months, not years), I spent my time learning all I could about BPD and how to deal with loved ones exhibiting those symptoms and behaviors. Like you, I read Valerie Porr's book, and I actually used/use it like my BPD Bible. It's dog-eared, has coffee spills on some of its pages, and the Index in the back is almost worn out from my frequent looking up of things to figure out.

If trying to contact your daughter isn't working, and if the letter from Porr's book didn't elicit a response, maybe the time just isn't right at the present? How long ago was your last effort at communicating with her? As odd as it might sound, if we try to reconnect too heartily or too often, it could be seen as invalidating of our loved one's wishes. It's really a tricky stream to navigate sometimes. When was the last time you were in contact with her Therapist--the one that suggested you respect her time-out?

Her life situation does seem to have some good points to it: happily (?) engaged to someone she loves, going to school and volunteering are all good if she is happy and finding her way in the world. It's sad that you need to find all of this out from others, but in some way should be comforting to you that she is safe and sound at this time.

Maybe once she feels she has "found herself" and has made peace with her past (and that abusive relationship with her Dad sounds like it could have been a major trigger of her troubles), she will reach out to you first? I know it is hard to be hopeful, but where there is life, there is the possibility for change and joy. Maybe this is the time to take care of you, hard2bhopeful, to find your own peace with the Universe and move on with love and compassion, but the strength of knowing you are doing the right things for you... .

[hard2bhopeful]

Dear Rapt Reader,

The last time I tried to contact her was in August.  I put several things together for her in a box.  I gave her many pictures that spanned all of her life - even a couple of she and her Dad when she was a toddler and they were flying kites.  Along with them I wrote a note that stated that I was sure that the pictures would ellicit a lot of different emotion as they had for me as well, but that I hoped through it all she would see a continuity - a stability of our life together and that she would know that always and forever I would be there for her.  I also included 3 of my favorite books from the last couple of years because we both love to read and swapping books has always been one of our things,  and three CD's of some of my favourite tunes... .saying that I was gifting her little pieces of me. 

She actually seemed to accept these things and maybe open up a bit - she unblocked me on FB for a few weeks and then just as abruptly disappeared again. 

I am happy that she is doing so well in many aspects of her life and that she has found love.  what I have been able to gather is that her partner is very intelligent and kind - has a very nice family and she is, I think a very good mate for my D.  They appear to balance each other and prod each other to work towards their goals and be the best they can be.

I feel as though I am serving time for crimes committed by someone else.  Her father has not talked to her since she was 11.  She said it was very hard to see my (now) husband with his kids because he wants to be with them, he is always there for them - and she could not shake the issue of her father walking away from her and not ever looking back after having her in his life for 11 years.  It breaks my heart - it always has.  I became a "fixer" - I'd jump in and come to the rescue instead of letting her experience some of the normal pains of growing up. 

I truly hope she will reach out to me... .if I go through my life never seeing my D again I can not wrap my mind around the sadness that my life will be.  I called her therapist today and left a message asking if it might be possible to set up a time for us to talk and to perhaps begin to understand each other as people.



hard2bhopeful

[Rapt Reader]

Well, there really are some positives in your situation, hard2bhopeful, and it's a very good thing that you are able to see them and feel some sort of happiness relating to them. That's a great step to peace and healing 

My own adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013 has been in treatment for it ever since, and is now in recovery and doing well in many ways: He is more than 22 months clean and sober from a Heroin addiction; he is the happiest and healthiest he's been in many, many years; he is back to working on his art and happy to find that the artist in him wasn't contingent upon being high on drugs. He goes to his continuing Therapies, and I doubt he'd even be diagnosed with BPD at this time. Other than Social Anxiety that is still lingering, he is basically free of all of his other symptoms and behaviors that caused him so many troubles in the past.

But he is still living home with us, doesn't have a job or any money at this time, needs to be treated for Hepatitis C before he feels comfortable having a romantic relationship, and is mortified that he is living with his Mom and Dad, but is too anxious right now to leave our home while in recovery and Treatment. We have him with us, and he is a joy to live with--cheerful and smart, helpful around the house and yard, and it's cool to see him writing and drawing again. Nothing is ever perfect, but we are relieved that he is alive and well and clean and sober and happy and healthy (except for the Hep C, with which he is symptom-free at least).

I think your daughter's having a successful romantic relationship, going to school and volunteering are all really impressive and positive. I also think it was a blessing for you that all your hard work and care that you put into that package was silently acknowledged by her taking the package and then giving you a little bit of a glimpse of her Facebook page. It's not perfect, but a Tiny Little Change that you can think about and cherish as the days go by. And going to the Therapist who has a window into your daughter's mind will also be a blessing to you.

Your daughter sounds very wounded to me... .The trauma of losing her Dad when he was still alive and able to be a Dad, and then the pain of seeing her Stepfather being loving and available to his own kids, her stepsiblings, had to have been very traumatic for her. I can't say why she is involving you in the blame, but her feelings are real to her and her perceptions inform her view of reality; my heart breaks for her and I hope she can heal and eventually come to find you again as her champion and rock. It can happen, hard2bhopeful... .Keep taking care of yourself and moving on, and it will happen when the time is right 

[qcarolr]

 

I truly hope she will reach out to me... .if I go through my life never seeing my D again I can not wrap my mind around the sadness that my life will be.

Have you worked with a mindfulness practice or other practice that helps focus on just this moment? I am learning be more aware of when I am ruminating about my DD28. Then I can sometimes and reset. There are some tools for this here. Would you like me to search out some links for you?

  I called her therapist today and left a message asking if it might be possible to set up a time for us to talk and to perhaps begin to understand each other as people.

Has your DD signed a release for you to talk with her T? With my DD it is so important to respect her wishes around my contact with her T. She has a new T and has signed a release. It is helpful to involve family in treatment for our BPD kids, and it is a hard thing to make successful with our adult kids.

I have not had the experience of long term no contact. My struggle is with my DD28 being so very needy and refusing to let go of me as her case manager - life coach. She has a pattern of contacting me every few days asking for something. I cannot imagine the pain of such a long silence.

qcr

[rationalmind]

Mine hasn't gone no contact yet--she's left the home but is still in touch via facebook (she's not even 18 yet) but I fear what would happen if she did.  I can accept she finds her enmeshment with me to be too difficult, and we have lots of conflicts namely over her substance abuse and what I perceived as lack of effort to "be functional" (I know recognize not being able to complete tasks, go to school or hold down a job are all BPD symptoms).  What I am terrified of and would be is not knowing that she is safe. I  am coming to terms with her being gone (I'm sure it's only temporary and hoping she learns a few natural consequences) but it's only been a few weeks.  I found that trying to reconnect in other aspects of my life (marriage, caring for my other child, work, and neglected interests) has been really helpful. It's also been very peaceful in the home.  I think about the good times we've had and try to focus on those, and knowing if she needs me I will support her as best I can while still setting limits (she left because of "household rules", namely curfew and illegal activities in the house).  I'm still waking with nightmares at night but at least now being able to focus is helpful. I also have a close friend I've confided in about her and another couple of mothers going through similar ordeals. We are not alone.