and then it dawned upon me... my daughter may have BPD.

[Petey]

HI everyone I am so glad I found this website.  My adult child is 22 and has not spoken to me in a month.  She is a bright girl who works very hard but has never had good people skills. 

she has always been highly senstivie and difficult to understand, and alternately clingy and rejecting of me. I haven't been the ideal mother but I did the best I could with 3 kids.  I feel she wishes she could have been an only child because she is quite demanding of my attention. Truth be told I always felt she needed more attention than the other kids because she just was never very happy.  I did the best I could but didn't recognize her signs as out of the norm--

but as she has gotten older it has gotten worse.  NOw she blames me for not getting into medical school and states I have always sabataged her dreams- what? I am her biggest cheerleader? It breaks my heart that I have tried so hard to be supportive and encouaging and she in turn blames her "failures" on me.  I have alot of guilt and if I could turn back the clock I would change my parenting now that I know what I know. i so badly want her to get treatment and to have a relationship with her again.  I miss her and I don't know what to do.  She lives in another city and wont answer texts, the phone or letters.  It just feels good to write this down- I feel so alone in this situation.  Her sisters have written her off because she has hurt them so many times.  But i will never give up on her. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Petey

But i will never give up on her.  

I think it's very commendable that you feel this way No matter what she's done, she's still your daughter and I really understand where you're coming from here.

The situation with your daughter is difficult but she is an adult now and even though she likely has BPD, she's still responsible for her own life, including her decisions and the consequences to her decisions.

Being blamed like this isn't easy to deal with. I think many of our members can relate to these kind of experiences with their BPD loved ones. It's an unfortunate aspect of BPD that people with this disorder tend to take their frustrations out on the people close to them and project their own negative feelings and thoughts onto them. In fact, for people with BPD, feelings often equal facts so in their minds their accusations might actually seem to have a 'real' and justifiable basis.

I haven't been the ideal mother but I did the best I could with 3 kids.  I feel she wishes she could have been an only child because she is quite demanding of my attention. Truth be told I always felt she needed more attention than the other kids because she just was never very happy.  I did the best I could but didn't recognize her signs as out of the norm--

Unfortunately none of us are born with the knowledge and skills required to deal with this challenging disorder. This is something we all gotta learn as we go along, often through a process of trial and error. There is a lot of knowledge available though so I'm glad you're reaching out for support here. I suggest you take a look at the resources to the right of this message board.

My adult child is 22 and has not spoken to me in a month.

Is this something she has done before, not speak to you for an extended period of time? And when she still lived with you, did she at times perhaps apply the so-called 'silent treatment' in which she basically completely ignored some or all of the other people living there? How has your family dealt with these things in the past and how were communications restored?

[Petey]

Thank you so much for your quick response 

Yes, this has happened before- when she went away to college.  It took a long time (like a year) to very gradually re-build our relationship.

With the stress of applying to medical school, I am in the doghouse again. She says she will not speak to me until she gets into an MD school because it is my fault she did not get in one.

She seems to alternate whom she is not speaking to- it is either me or her father- usually me.  Her father and I are divorced. He pays her bills at college and she is always afraid he will withdraw the financial support. He shows some BPD traits as well in an emotionally shut down way.

I feel it makes her feel powerful to know her silence "punishes" me for my alleged parenting sins. At the same time it could also be self preservation because she has a lot of shame and pain that gets triggered easily.  Her father is probably safer to talk to because he never goes too deep in his intimacy- he is just not capable of that.  At least she is still talking to him.

I am going to read the inofmation on this website and continue my mediation and prayer practice for my own good .

[Skip]

   Hi Petey,

Glad we were able to get you onboard after the problems registering.

Welcome.

Skip

[Kwamina]

Hi again Petey

Thank you so much for your quick response  

Yes, this has happened before- when she went away to college.  It took a long time (like a year) to very gradually re-build our relationship.

With the stress of applying to medical school, I am in the doghouse again. She says she will not speak to me until she gets into an MD school because it is my fault she did not get in one.

Would you say your daughter has a hard time managing stress? Based on what you've said it seems as if she might be taking her inability to deal with stress out on you.

She seems to alternate whom she is not speaking to- it is either me or her father- usually me.  Her father and I are divorced. He pays her bills at college and she is always afraid he will withdraw the financial support. He shows some BPD traits as well in an emotionally shut down way.

BPD is a difficult disorder yet the people with BPD definitely aren't 'crazy'. People with BPD do have the tendency to engage in splitting, sometimes seeing someone as all-good while at other times as all-bad. Her financial dependency on her dad might indeed very well be one of the reasons she mostly chooses to take her frustrations out on you. She may feel the urge to treat her dad the same way, but her fear of the possible consequences prevents her from acting through with him. How did she behave before she went to college? Was the dynamic any different then or was she also mostly 'targeting' you back then?

I feel it makes her feel powerful to know her silence "punishes" me for my alleged parenting sins. At the same time it could also be self preservation because she has a lot of shame and pain that gets triggered easily.

Many people with BPD struggle with negative emotions and you could be right what you say here about self-preservation. Perhaps your daughter is trying to feel better about herself by projecting the parts she doesn't like in herself onto you. If that would be the case, her actions and words really aren't a reflection of who you truly are but only a reflection of your daughter's own inner turmoil and negativity.

I am going to read the inofmation on this website and continue my mediation and prayer practice for my own good .

Meditation is something I practice too and have found very helpful. It helps me stay in 'wise mind' and enables me to see things more clearly.

Take care