Financial Obligations

[jaynebrain]

Hello friends!

I have a DD21 who is in college, living away from home, which we finance entirely.  She has been through 18 months of DBT and still seeing therapist, who is amazing but at $250 per visit and not on any insurance is draining our bank account.  DD is doing better a lot of the time and I have to say I am very thankful.  (We do have stories, but it would not help in this circumstance to share). DD is taking 12 units at college and is passing classes with decent grades, moving slowly towards graduation.  The problem is that her anxiety and coping skills (and relationship skills) and such that she is not able to work and go to school.  Our bank account is getting to a dangerous place that my husband and I are very uncomfortable with.  We have aged parents in the UK that we would like to visit and maybe would like a date night or a vacation!  There does not seem to be any type of assistance with therapists and the school loans are only for tuition as it looks like on paper that we have money.  Does anyone have any ideas or resources for help with therapy?  I feel like if she had cancer, there might be something?  I am very anxious and struggling not to feel resentful.  We have dealt with so much and have been there for it all.  Thoughts? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

jaynebrain,

First it is wonderful she is finding some success living away from home and going to college! The fact that she participates in treatment is good as well. There is much to be grateful for. Then the harsh realities of paying for all this!

How much longer does your DD have to graduate? Has she asked for assistance with the school about job potential for her area of study? Could she do volunteer work, even a few hours a week, in that area to build confidence and experience? Being able to move into the world of work in some way will need to come about for her to gain independent living in the future. Can you come up with a plan for yourselves given different scenarios for your DD after she graduates? Maybe I am just restating things you are already doing.

My situation with my DD28 is very different, except for the outflow of money. Even though I don't have any ready answers, I can understand your anxiety and resentments. My dh and I are meeting with a financial planner next week to figure out when he can retire - or even shift to part time work. He is 64, I am 59. We are also raising DD's little girl, GD9. The dad is out of the picture - no child support there.

We are going through a new process of figuring out the financial boundaries with DD given where we are and what we want/need. DD refuses to participate in a job training program in a very passive way -- goes to meet with coordinator and comes out saying they don't have any help for her. My guess: she has no motivation for them. She lives a very basic unsettled life right now.

Wish there was a miracle foundation out there to help us out with all this.

qcr

[MammaMia]

Oh yes, our adult BPD children suck us dry. They seem to believe we are an unending source of financial support ... .which, of course, is ridiculous.  We often go without to provide for them, and when told this, it does not seem to register, or perhaps they just do not care.

When they are unable to support themselves and refuse to pursue disability assistance, over time, the financial burden is staggering. 

We are all in the same situation.  How do we get out?