SD18 may be BPD, has my mom snowed

[QuietMom]

I am a new member.  I have been reading through “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and lurking here for a few months.  Given everything I’ve experienced and read since October, I’m convinced that my 18 yo step-daughter is high functioning BPD (at the very least she exhibits many BPD traits). 

SD has lived with DH and me since she was 9.  It seems like every 6 months or so there would be some sort of drama that would erupt.  Usually, these climaxes occurred when we would discover various lies and problems she had been hiding from us.  It always seemed that her reactions to these events were way more dramatic than the actual events themselves (many of which seemed to be normal teen challenges to me).  At first, we thought she was just adjusting to living with us.  However, she never did seem to fully open up to us; she was always distant and secretive.  She never wanted us to meet her friends or host birthday parties or sleep overs (though she did attend these events at others’ houses).  Her relationship with her mom (who also exhibits many BPD and NPD traits) completely deteriorated.  There were years in high school when she even refused any contact with her mom. 

At 16, SD started therapy after having a panic attack triggered by attending band camp.  At first, therapy seemed to help, but it didn’t last long.  SD’s secretive behavior became more intense.  We discovered that she was spreading lies about how DH would mistreat her, and had lost several friendships.  When she was 17, we had to move to another state due to health issues concerning DH.  Understandably, SD didn’t handle the move well (who wants to move before their last year of high school?).  We tried to be understanding and supportive, but her anxiety was at an all-time high.  Just before the 2013 holidays, we learned that SD had been cutting and that her grades had dramatically fallen.  She didn’t want to go back to therapy.  Instead, we made an appointment with her GP, and SD was put on an SSRI.  For a while, things seemed to be improving.  We thought curbing the anxiety was the answer.

However, everything fell apart this fall when SD moved away to college.  To cover room and board, we had her take out a private student loan with us co-signing.  We chose the private loan because we thought if the debt was in her name she would work harder to ensure that she could pay it off.  SD is very smart and is a talented student when she applies herself, but she can be quite lazy and entitled.  For co-signing the loan, DH and I had 5 rules that SD agreed to:

1.   No skipping class

2.   Call or Skype (not text) home at least once a week, and come home once a month

3.   Be in your dorm room by mid-night on school nights, and be somewhere safe by   2:00am on weekends

4.   Only party/drink on weekends

5.   Apply to a work-study or internship program for the summer months

Within the first 2 weeks, SD had broken all but rule #5.  When DH and I called to confront her, she accused us of trying to control her and using her phone’s GPS locator to stalk her.  We told her we weren’t trying to control her, that these rules were meant to help ensure her success in college and if she didn’t start following the rules, we would not be co-signing a loan for next year.  She said that was fine; she didn’t want our help, and we were being ridiculous.  Five week into the semester, DH checked SD’s bank account (joint account between them) and discovered that she had spent over $1000 despite having a meal plan, no bills to pay, and plenty of toiletries we bought at move-in.  DH called and asked SD to come home to discuss what was going on at school (she still had not come home – campus is only an hour away).  When she still refused, we moved the remaining money out of the account and told her she would have to come home to get it back.   

That’s when everything really hit the fan.  She called my mom in hysterics, continued refusing to come home, turned off her phone’s GPS locator, blocked us from checking her grades and even changed her permanent address to my mom’s house.  She has sense been home only once and for only 30 min in October.  During that visit, she cursed at us and her grandfather (via phone).  She then insisted that we let her go upstairs to get things from her room.  We already had a suitcase full of winter clothes packed.  I told her she could not go upstairs after speaking to us like that, but that she could take the suitcase and I would go get anything she wanted and bring it to her.  She refused and left in a rage, leaving the suitcase behind.  She immediately called my mom who then threatened to call the cops on us.  SD has spent fall break, Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom, although she was invited to come home. 

Since the blow-up in October, DH and I have been looking for answers, and that’s how we discovered BPD and this site.  We returned the money in increments over the course of last semester, and mailed her the clothes.  Law enforcement has not been involved.  I understand that SD wants independence, and I have no problems with that.  However, as her parents, we’re going to check in on her.  When we learned that she was skipping class, partying during the week, sleeping around and experimenting with drugs all in the first 2 weeks of classes, I think we had a right to question her about these behaviors, especially when some of them are direct violations of an agreement we made. 

After learning about BPD, I definitely think we should have executed things differently.  Maybe withdrawing the money was going too far, though we did it out of concern, not malice.  We have never tried to shame or guilt-trip her whenever we’ve discussed her behaviors.  We have tried to explain how destructive these behaviors can be if they go unchecked, but I think all SD hears is judgment and disapproval.  I don’t expect her to be perfect.  I went to college; I know what the culture is like, and I had my fun when I was her age.  It just seems like she’s going to excess and when anyone suggests she slows down, she over reacts.  Maybe if we had known how to interact with pwBPD sooner, things would not have gotten so out of hand. 

In regards to my relationships with SD and my mom, I feel like I’m at a standstill.  As long as SD sees us as the bad guys, and my mom is blindly “supporting” SD, I don’t know if there’s much I can do.  DH wants to tell my mom about BPD.  Before Christmas I tried to suggest to my mom that SD needed help, but she scoffed at me and asked what I expected “after the way we treated her?”  We’ve spoken with the other grandparents, and they all agree that SD has traits/may be high-functioning BPD.  My mom is such a “fixer” that I think she would tell SD about BPD in an attempt to either help her or “warn” her about what we’re thinking.  SD would definitely reject a BPD label.  She may even go so far as to read up on BPD just to anticipate how people my try to interact with her.  She would see any attempt by us to change the way we communicate with her as an act of manipulation. 

DH and I feel so blind-sided by how quickly everything fell apart.  We both seem to be going through the stages of grief.  We also have a 9 yo daughter at home, and I’m scared to death that she’ll leave us too when she’s older.  DH ensures me that DD and SD are two very different people, but it’s hard to discount the possibility that I may lose her too.  The holidays were challenging this year, especially for DD.  We only saw SD and my mom for 2 hours at New Years, and the atmosphere was tense.  Relations with the rest of the family are fine, but things with SD are just so painful right now. 

Were the 5 rules we made for co-signing the loan unreasonable?  Were we overstepping our bounds in calling SD out on her behaviors?  I can understand her being upset with us, but her reaction seems so exaggerated. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

There are so many others with much more knowledge than me, but I can say what works better for my daughter/son. I don't think the rules were unreasonable, with the consequence being not cosigning another loan. I find it more effective to just stick with that consequence alone. Working concerns in kind if sideways as someone else mentioned, works well. I would say something like, wow it's really a big adjustment with all the freedom and choices you have now that you're in college, and try to open a conversation. I get further with that than being what he would perceive as judgmental.

When it comes to money, he knows he has only a certain amount to spend and when it's gone, it's gone. Natural consequences are a good teacher.

With others, I would discuss her behaviors that cause concern, but I would not try to diagnose her. Diagnosis is best left to professionals.

I'm not clear on the not allowing her to go to her room.

I think that if you read and learn the tools (validation helps regardless of label), let everybody cool down, maintain your boundaries regarding  cosigning and how much money she has for the semester you may see a change in your relationship. I would not do the GPS, personally. Doesn't mean you are wrong, that's just me.

I don't think you should worry about losing your younger daughter. With some work, I believe you can repair you relationship with elder daughter. I wish you peace.

[meantcorn34]

Just to clarify, I didn't mean to give your daughter all her money at one time. Maybe break it down into monthly amount, whatever works. With my son, I sit down with him and discuss his needs and wants. Needs are covered as well as some wants if he can afford them. Sometimes he needs more one month than the next because of an activity, etc. He know that means he gets less the next month or two. As long as he's involved in the decision making, I have had few problems.

Maybe you can open the dialogue through your mother.

Just a thought.