Been replaced, really stuggling to cope

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All

Was wondering if anyone has advice on coping with the discard and replacement post break up?

My ex has just made her new relationship pubic on social media and its someone from my social and work circles, going to be fairly hard to avoid this and im not coping with the news very well.

Im in no contact with her and havnt got her on any social media, my friends know not to talk about it to me - but my friend told me today asobviously its so close to home he felt i should know.

While part of me thinks he has no idea what he has coming, poor guy! The other part thinks, what if it was me who made her so angry? What if its me who has the problems?

Its deeply depressing to think about them in the honeymoon perioid and it being so close to home.

What are other peoples experinces with being replaced? Does it get easier?

[seekhealing]

Hi All

Was wondering if anyone has advice on coping with the discard and replacement post break up?

My ex has just made her new relationship pubic on social media and its someone from my social and work circles, going to be fairly hard to avoid this and im not coping with the news very well.

Im in no contact with her and havnt got her on any social media, my friends know not to talk about it to me - but my friend told me today asobviously its so close to home he felt i should know.

While part of me thinks he has no idea what he has coming, poor guy! The other part thinks, what if it was me who made her so angry? What if its me who has the problems?

Its deeply depressing to think about them in the honeymoon perioid and it being so close to home.

What are other peoples experinces with being replaced? Does it get easier?

[FindingMe2011]

Im in no contact with her and havnt got her on any social media, my friends know not to talk about it to me - but my friend told me today as obviously its so close to home he felt i should know.


Hmmm, outside of white noise, I dont believe your friend has helped your situation... .the only obvious thing I see, is you, and your friend, not maintaining boundaries... .If you understand the illness, not much should surprise you, the little insignificant details, will only aid in your ruminations... .and keep the focus, from yourself

While part of me thinks he has no idea what he has coming, poor guy 

There is a long line, for enablers, like you and I... .the illness is an equal opportunity offender, this is proof and should help, in not taking this so personally... .Reaching out to this individual, would paint you as the jilted ex, and possibly true, to some extent

The other part thinks, what if it was me who made her so angry? What if its me who has the problems?


There is always a sliver of truth in BPD words, enough to have us questioning ourselves... .
All people make excuses for being angry, you, me, and BPD... .some are able to convince others, they are the root of their anger... .there truly are no legit answers... .arguments/debates are ideals forcing themselves, on ideals... .its OK to agree, to disagree, no?

Its deeply depressing to think about them in the honeymoon perioid and it being so close to home.

What are other peoples experinces with being replaced? Does it get easier?



So what would be the outcome, if you were able to (which is not possible,cause the illness dictates this) go through the honeymoon again? Rest assure, your new knowledge, would not make the r/s work, in a healthy manor, in fact, it may bring more frustration... .Does it get easier? For me, after getting to a place where, I could mostly, not take the illness personally, understanding it, it was hard for me not to have some empathy. it was much more, than i could have ever imagined... .it allowed me to focus on myself, and as this progressed... .It got easier, but not before it got worse... .I wish u well, PEACE

[Emotions]

Mine did the same thing... .I experienced the same thoughts as you are asking. Odds are she will do the same thing to this guy... .Mine fell deeply in love in less than 2 months with my replacement after being together for 7 and a half years... .they got engaged, but my replacement broke it off and my ex hasn't changed much. She is getting a bit older and more mature in some ways. The only way to combat the overwhelming thoughts is to love/focus on yourself and your own actions while the thoughts of her and what could be doing try to overrun your peace of mind. Work hard at thinking other things other than her. Just my two cents, good luck I know it's not easy but it gets easier and much better if you stay focused.

[JNChell]

It will get easier. It will take work if you want it to move along a little quicker than if you allow yourself to ruminate. I feel for you seekhealing. I know how it feels, but it will get easier and it will get better. Eventually you’ll start to realize that the person you fell in love with was never really there. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s true. This is where I’m at right now. I still momentarily slip into ruminations and denial, but I snap myself out of it. It wasn’t long ago at all that I felt the way you do now. I understand the anxiety and confusion of it all. I’m slowly getting angrier about her by the day. I’m already angry with myself which, along with a lot of good advice and direction from the folks on this site, has allowed me to look inward more instead of pointing my finger at my ex. I still do, but I’m transitioning. The hardest part for me to grasp about it all is that it is the reality of the situation. That she really is this person. Time away from her and reconnecting with loved ones has begun to allow me to see it for what it is. It has to be very hard to have to be around your replacement at work. I think that that would be hard for any of us. Have you thought about how you’re going to be able to deal with that? Hang in there.

[Lucky Jim]

The other part thinks, what if it was me who made her so angry? What if its me who has the problems?

Hey seekhealing, Don't beat yourself up!  No, you didn't cause her anger issues and are not the one with the problems, so try to avoid self-recriminations.  You're human, like the rest of us, and that's a good thing.  Of course it hurts to be replaced, but the bottom line is that she still suffers from BPD, regardless of what you may be hearing from friends.  It's only a matter of time before the conflict starts up again, in my view.

LuckyJim

[TurbanCowboy]

Don’t beat yourself up. I was in a 10 year relationship with someone who told me
I was the best and the worse I don’t know how many countless times and 1 month after I moved out of a house we bought less than a year ago she moved another man in like 10 years never meant a damn thing.  I was blindsided.

So many of our stories play out the same way.

I too look back and think what if this, what if that. It’s only natural.  After 10 years of information to process, I get back to the same place, it wouldn’t have mattered.  Could the relationship have lasted longer? Would I still be in the relationship? Maybe or maybe not. I lasted longer than any previous boyfriend and she described those guys as perfect.  If I was obsessed with meeting her every need I could have engulfed her and maybe this would have ended years ago. The goalposts were always moving.

The other question I ask is this? Why would I want the relationship to continue? If the best case scenario was a never ending roller coaster, why would I want that for myself?  Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t care about my feelings and points the finger?

To some degree I believe I lasted as long as I did because I demonstrated a high tolerance for her crap until the last few years.  Is that a marriage to be proud of?

[araneina]

Yup, my ex did the same thing.  2 weeks after he broke up with me he made it Facebook official with my replacement.  It SUCKS.  Best advice I can give is to:

1.) Don't confront her.
2.) Block everything and do not look.

I have "relapsed' a couple of times and looked at his FB profile and it sets me back every single time. 

It's hard to make sense of it, I know.  I'm sorry.  Go to therapy, if you need to.  It's been helping me.  Just yesterday my therapist commented "It sounds like his ability to respond to stressful situations never developed past his teenaged years."  And I was like "YES, thank you."  These people... .they're troubled.  It doesn't excuse their crap, but I do feel sorry for them.

[seekhealing]

Yup, my ex did the same thing.  2 weeks after he broke up with me he made it Facebook official with my replacement.  It SUCKS.  Best advice I can give is to:

1.) Don't confront her.
2.) Block everything and do not look.

I have "relapsed' a couple of times and looked at his FB profile and it sets me back every single time. 

It's hard to make sense of it, I know.  I'm sorry.  Go to therapy, if you need to.  It's been helping me.  Just yesterday my therapist commented "It sounds like his ability to respond to stressful situations never developed past his teenaged years."  And I was like "YES, thank you."  These people... .they're troubled.  It doesn't excuse their crap, but I do feel sorry for them.

thanks for the advice 

[Pretty Woman]

My ex made it FB official with my replacement less than 24hrs after dumping me. Our mutual friends were very confused as she posted "Missing the love of my life in Canada" while I was alone in Mexico for a friend's birthday, a trip she was supposed to be on. I got many a text message asking me why I was in Canada. I had to explain she wasn't talking about me.  

It's hard not to take things personally but as Lucky Jim mentioned, their actions don't really change with the next person. With my ex, it was the same pattern. Idealization, devalue, rage, dump, get back together, devalue, rage... .wash rinse and repeat, until she found someone easier to manipulate.

Nothing good comes of checking on FB. If you use a fake account they will usually figure out it's you because the more you look at a page it pops up in their feed as "suggested friends". That only encourages them to post pictures that are sure to hit you in the gut and heart.

It's all a game... .on both sides. Choose not to participate and work on healing. These relationships are like drugs... .you need to withdraw and get your head space clear. Try to stay away from FAKEbook and tell your friend kindly to stop giving you updates. Set that boundary for yourself. If he is a good friend he will respect that.

Three years out, my ex is now engaged but I've heard her ugliness has reared it's head and her family is not onboard with the marriage.

Try to be greatful you are not in that mess anymore. Now that she is preoccupied with her next victim you can work on healing. This will likely be another cycle of chaos for her.

[WarOfRoses]

Just remember that social media is a Potemkin village for these people. Especially when they find a new replacement.

[Idsrvt2]

My x filed a restraining order after he told me we would go in peace ... .a false one and drug me thru court ... I had told him if he files one I would be forced to as well... .he is my mailman so his job got involved to as my x wanted everything dropped in court ... .I stood my ground as at the time I felt that was the inky way to get his guns away from him.

Well , I posted in social media how devastated I was etc and how I was keeping to myself as I needed time to heal.
Three days later and three days after the six hour court mayhem he posted he was rejoining the world again.
 I was so behind hurt, but I knew then he had to have a second account to view my profile
Flash fwd to a few weeks ago I came across a blog where he posted I inowmut is him by his classic spelling mistakes.   I now think I was dumped , the RO gotten because he was approached by a guy online to be in a relationship

I also found out from a guy he worked with that my x was not doing well at all and he was very concerned ... .my guess is my x lost me and the new replacement

My x is back now not being afraid of me, delivering mail like he used to do.

Despite me knowing about BPD, NPD, etc I still struggle, mostly because I'm dealing with bad health again and this time last year we were together.
My x is very paranoid so for him to enter my porch again is odd... .but also proves the twisted thinking and how rapidly they change.    
There was just no reasoning with him really... .he's delusional , paranoid and lives on an online game.   He has not rejoined real life     And dumped me to be with a guy online.

[savreina]

Well my exBPD replaced me a month after us parting ways, she got a new boyfriend, flaunted him all over FB & it hurt like hell at first, but then I realized how could the relationship last when they barely know each other? What was there to be jealous of ya know, and then not even 2 months into their relationship she contacted me & from that day on their relationship went downhill because she did to him what she did to me & ultimately ended up painting me black again. So be thankful that she’s no longer your problem