Should I send this letter?

[dumpsterdog]

Background notes... .6 years of hell with " vixen ".Shes just tweeked me beyond one more try... .here's the end of an email fight we jus had for the last two hours... .(  " Jon "  in this story is her son, hes 23 / autistic , great kid, goes to school on his own does everything he is capable of and i never heard her treat him like much more than a dog )

I decided to pos this here instead of sending it to her... .all statements are factual... .i'd like some feedback whether or not to actuallyu send it and how whe may react. thanks... .:

I've been thinking... .you know why im soo bent outa shape over all this... .because you basically asked me to come live with you ,told me you loved me, criticized me for having professional activities, like smoozing at @pro sport@@ games with potential employers,I did my best to be a friends to Jon,buying food for all of us, making sure we were all insured ( face it " vixen ", you had no job or insurance etc and then tried to belittle the fact that i was taking care of all of us the best way i could, by saying " you get free insurancee for us, it doesnt cost you anything "... you alienated my friends, criticized my family, blamed me for outrageous things that never even happened , i was going to work , teaching music on the side, and doing a lot of really cool career stuff,  ( until you just dismantled it all with your constant negativity ) ,and buying steaks for all of us and taking you out on dates almost every night,  ( wining , dining, dancing,,,and I loved it... i would do anything to relive the Honeymoon phase... .the problem is  I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL REAL ... .but you knew it wasn't because you had lived it before... you should have warned me instead of letting me find out the hard way )... .and you slept all day and was just getting out of bed and in the shower every day when i got home at 3 oclock... so dont even call me a loser.

I was working all day, spending nights with you and doing a second dr job  , and still paying rent across the street( my own place i was renting while living with her ) and have the nerve to call me a loser.       Yes ... you were  a witch... not just calling you names... you were and are a complete Queen / witch ( pick the one you like ) who cannot be satisfied... .i Put my life on hold to try and take care of you, and welcomed JON as part of the deal because he was your son and i was falling in love with you... .but that was just a lie... .THATS WHY IT HURTS... IT WAS ALL A BIG CON... .AND I STUCK WITH IT ANYWAY HOPING YOU REALLY WOULD LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVED YOU. I knew better but let you suck me in. For that . I hate myself ... and you. I feel so bad for JON , and i tried to spend time with him watching his videos etc... .thats all he wanted and you just beat him up emotionally all the time... .believe it ... .YOU DID.

why did you ever invite me into your life... because once i got involved in you life... .i didnt even have a life anymore... .and then you call me a loser... .was it for money,, was i just another " daddy " to take care of " vixen " until she got on her feet... .USED ME... .YOU USED ME, YOU NEVER CONSIDERED MY NEEDS  ( I will give you that you took care of my dogs for a couple months ... .thanks )... .bottom line is i changed my entire life to try and make you happy... .you didn't want me in bars, so i stopped looking for music gigs, you never believed me when i spent time with my music friends., so i stopped that... .basically just pulled me out of my own life and place me into yours... .then HATED ME FOR BEING THERE... .when i was home you hated me and were just pissed all the time, and so then i would leave to get some peace, and you were pissed about that... no win for Me ... ever... .I STILL LOVED YOU... DESPITE ALL THE ABUSE AND NONSENSE SELFISH NEEDY... .DEEP DARK HOLE OF NEED THAT COULD NEVER BE FILLLED... .then everytime somebody else paid attention to you like Tammy , or June, or any other friend you met that took a liking to yo0u... you tossed me aside and wanted nothing to do with me... .YES THAT WAS HURTFUL... l... .And the one that takes the cake is that you asked me to go out with JON on saturday nite the weekend before he left for good(  because you kicked him out ) so you could go out with your friends and see a band that you could have done ANY OTHER TIME... .GEEZ DON'T YOU THINK THAT JON KNEW YOU WERE BLOWING HIM OFF TO GO OUT AND PARTY... .We had a good time, but I felt sorry for him... .He is a good person and .you basically abandoned him and threw him out of the house... .

YOU BASICALLY TOLD HIM YOU WERE SICK OF HIM BEING IN YOUR LIFE... and then a few days after he left you had his dog put to sleep and then made it a point to tell HIs Dad to tell him that... .you didn't have to do that . it was mean... .DONT YOU THINK IT HURT HIM TO HAVE HIS MOM PUT HIM OUT AND THEN KILL HIS DOG ( Thats probably how he saw it... .you have no clue how cruel that was ... so insensitive... .absolutely just a dagger to the heart... .thats why he hates you... .you destroyed his self esteem ... i saw it... (and you destroyed mine. )... AND YOU REALLY, REALLY CANT FIGURE OUT WHY HE WONT TALK TO YOU... .YOU JUST BLOW IN THE WIND WITH NO IDENTITY OR SELF IMAGE, LEACH OFF OTHER PEOPLES Emotions , AND THEN THROW THEM AWAY WHEN THEY ARE SPENT. , you actually even left a date with me once to go to tammy's hous in a spilt second... .left me there for hours, then said you were stuck in her garage... .TOTALLY BLEW ME OFF BECAUSE TAMMY HAD SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON... WHAT ... WEED... .? AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO GET ON ME ABOUT DRUGS BECAUSE I HAD A FALL A FEW TIMES... .IM SAD THAT YOU WILL NEVER EVER SEE THAT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT CAUSED ALL THIS STUFF YOU BLAME OTHER PEOPLE FOR... THATS RIGHT... .BELEIVE IT... .BECAUSE ITS THE TRUTH... .and im sure you will never admit it,, and just keep blaming others for your mistakes... .it just makes me soo sad... .BECAUSE I DO LOVE YOU, and im just sad and devastated that you cant see it... .you just shoot the messenger... .what can i do to help ? running away wont help, letting you blame me wont help, watching you pretend its not real wont help... .and maybe the reason i keep saying it over and over is that you just don't get it... .read you post YOU WROTE above... .the only " Crap " you are dealing with is THAT YOU CANT be HONEST WITH YOURSELF ABOUT YOUR OWN BULLCRAP... .MAYBE ITS EASY TO KEEP DISMANTLING MAN AFTER MAN, OR HANGING OUT WITH DOORMATS SO YOU NEVER HAVE TO ADMIT RESPONSIBILITY, BUT WHAT A SAD LONELY LIFE THATS GONNA BE... .I care about you very much so I at  least owe you this truth... .i wish you well... .and im sad that what i thought was going to be the best last third of life with the womAn i thought was wonderful and perfect and that I could not love enough ... turned out to be a lie. so sad... ,i DID PUT YOU ON A PEDESTAL... .and you just BEAT ME DOWN FOR DOING IT... .I AM NOT A LOSER... .JUST A MAN WHO PUT EVERYTHING ELSE ASIDE FOR SOMEONE HE LOVED, AND BECAME SO FRUSTRATED WITH HER NEVER APPRECIATING IT, THAT HE FELL OFF THE WAGON A FEW TIMES FROM AN OLD BAD HABIT... .HOW DARE YOU COMPAIN ABOUT HOW I HURT YOU... .YOU TURNED ME BACK TO A DARK PLACE I HAD OVERCOME AND NEVER WANTED TO GO BACK TO. I BLEW IT... .I SHOULD HAVE SAVED MYSELF AND NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU... .BUT I DIDNT KNOW HOW ELSE to DEAL WITH ALL THE UNSTABLE EMOTIONS YOU WERE THROWING AT ME... .NOT BLAMING YOU JUST SAYING I TURNED BACK TO A DARK PLACE TO COPE WITH IT ALL.

None of that was meant to shame or blame you, just clearing my head before i move on... because its time... .the messed up thing is that you put me in a position where the only SANE thing for me to do is just stay as far away from you as possible... .for good ... .and All i really want to do is Love you... .but the more i try to love you, the more wicked you become. Please forgive me  for underestimating your dark side... .

Good luck... I  will miss you ... .I already do... i realize you will never talk to me again because of what i just wrote... .but you needed to hear it for your own good.  YOu need to look in the mirror and see whats real and stop pretending its everybody elses fault.

They say there's a lid for every pot... .im now blocking you... because i dont want to hear your rage anymore.

[TurbanCowboy]

I wouldn’t send it. To me it sounds like you still care.

I have a son with my BPD wife and we are going through a divorce so it’s impossible for me to go no contact, but I would if I could.  

She will interpret what you wrote as desperate. She’ll see you as the bad guy.

I found out who my replacement was and I was very negative about my wife with him. My wife read what I wrote and said she now felt validated in her belief that I never loved her. Even though this was an affair and they just got back from a vacation I was supposed to go on with her, it didn’t matter, I was the jerk.

If you want to get even or if you want to get back with her, doesn’t matter, the best thing to do is move on. No email, no texts, no calls. Just move on.

[Speck]

This is a very RAW and honest outpouring of feeling deeply betrayed.  I hope you feel much better having purged it all out.  It's really good therapy to do what you just did, and I applaud your courage to organize your pain into constructive energy.

However... .I would like to caution you that if you do send such a letter/email, it may only prompt her to further wound you.  Also, she will have in her hands something from you that she can now show to others in order to gain personal sympathy from her circle of friends and/or use to mock you at your expense.

I can see that you are gutted and feel deeply wounded.  And it sucks, my friend.

Regarding sending it or not, consider this:  Perhaps, NO WORDS whatsoever would send a louder message than the hundreds you wish for her to read right now.  In other words, ghosting her forever may help you gain traction in finally stopping the cycle, which is what you're seeking.

Once you send it, you cannot un-ring the bell.

Just my thoughts tonight... .


-Speck

[babyducks]

dumpsterdog,

I am glad you posted here.   I am glad you put that all down on paper and got it out.   

i'd like some feedback whether or not to actually send it and how she may react. thanks... .:

I would not recommend you send it.    It won't help break the cycle of conflict.   It will add more gas to the fire.    You are not going to convince her that you are a good guy who tried your best.     You won't convince her that she behaved badly.    She will not be able to validate your feelings by saying ":)D, you are right, I was a idiot".

Are you in contact with her?

And how are you feeling today?

[FindingMe2011]

i'd like some feedback whether or not to actually send it and how she may react. thanks... .:

One thing is for sure... .Posting it here, or sending it to her, in both scenarios, it will fall on deaf BPD ears... .This rage stands a very good chance, of peaking out BPD, and probably making you feel worse, if you do send it... .I did this ONCE. and regretted it... .BPDs perception, was nearing death, and I found myself being served DV papers, and managed to remove the final mask... .something that probably happened, 6-8 times in a 12 1/2 yr span... .an illness they spend a lifetime, hiding... .My anger, was my excuse, for revenge on a very mentally ill individual... .It wasnt too long after that, i went NC, it was the best for me, her, and the children... .Using the power of knowledge, for my own selfish needs, didnt sit well with me... .I wish u well ,PEACE

[Skip]

it will fall on deaf BPD ears... .

FindingMe2011, do you think anyone (BPD or not) would be "reached" if they received this after a breakup?

I did this once. and regretted it... .

FindingMe2011 is right. It just doesn't play well in any direction (you, her, the child) or dimension (3 months later).

I'd like some feedback whether or not to actually send it and how she may react.

dumpsterdog, it's really important to get this out, for you. In the "five stages of detachment" (see right margin menu), step 1 is acknowledgment. Acknowledgment is when we begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings. This is a good step at that.

Is it factual? Will it help bridge understanding between you and your ex (any ex)?

No. No more than if she wrote this to you. Would members her be saying, "she makes sense, sense, listen to her".

You purged it all. You documented here. In time you can come back to this an narrow in on what was te central problem in the relationship.

As far as communicating with her, what message (just 10-20 words) do you really want her to get, if you could reach her?

[dumpsterdog]

to answer your question or what is the real message i want her to get in brief... ." I love you, I know you have scary secrets, i understand, i want to be there with you, you can trust me. "


Any time I approach the fact that Im trying to9 support her... she immediately goes on a rampage of distortions and delusions of things that i did that " made her " hit me, or cheat, or break my stuff ... whatever... i can never seem to get her to acknowledge that she understands that i love her unconditionally and will stick with her if she just takes responsibility and stops blaming me for everything.

tragic.

[Skip]

I love you, I know you have scary secrets, i understand, i want to be there with you, you can trust me.

Oddly, this doesn't always go down well either. It can be translated as "you are wrong, mentally ill, I be there for you. You should be thankful".

It took me a while to figure this out, myself. This is what works:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Anyway, what was the fight about? Where do things stand now?

[dumpsterdog]

The " fight " is always the same... .she kicks me out... so i leave , then she accuses me of abandoning her and starts meeting new male friends... .then i tell rthe only reason i left is because she made me, then she says I physically and mentally abused her, then she either calls the cops saying im trespassing, or locks herself in a room and threatens to call the cops... .so i leave, then she accuses me of " staying Out "... then I say... " why would I want to stay here and stare at the walls if you are gonna be locked in your room for days"... .you get the picture... .she sets me up to fail, i fail, she complains and calls me a loser, and then justifies herself in seeking other men for companionship and tells everyone im a jerk... .

and then i just leaver her alone for a while,, then we talk a little, then we talk every day, then she says something mean or rude or devalues me in some way, then i call her on it... and the whole thing starts over... .

I am now out of state , healing from myu injuries and all i want to do is get healed enough to travel and get back to her... .and now she is saying " i dont want you back, i dont need the chaos " ( ironic , isnt it ... she doesnt need My Chaos ... almost laughable if it werent so tragic.

Then i start thinking she doesnt want me back because shes seeing someone else, then she says its not FAIR TO HIM "... can you believe the nerve... uuughhgh... .thats what it is always about... .but when she needs 2000$ for plumbing repair... she expects me to be right there without fail, or she calls me a loser and wants me out of her life again... .i could go on ... but you get it... thats the cycle i need to dismantle before i shoot myself in the head... .


? What is a guy supposed to do... .?

[Jeffree]

? What is a guy supposed to do... .?


That's the million dollar question isn't it?

The way I TRY to conduct myself is to stop putting quarters in the broken meter. No matter how many times I think it's the quarter's fault for not working, I have to face the fact that the whole damned meter is awry.

"But it worked yesterday."

That was yesterday. This is today, and a BPD can change its perspective on us that quickly.

J

[FindingMe2011]

.she sets me up to fail, i fail,

just as children learn that the stove is hot... .some of us, need to touch it more than once to figure this out... .you play a part in all of this... .it takes 2 to tango


I am now out of state , healing from myu injuries and all i want to do is get healed enough to travel and get back to her.

Are you expecting different results, when you get back?... .Leaving the state, regardless of the situation, would surely heighten abandonment fears in BPD, like it needs assistance in this... .


Then i start thinking she doesnt want me back because shes seeing someone else, then she says its not FAIR TO HIM

Unfortunately, your story is repeated many times over... .Doing the same things over and over, expecting a different result, is also setting yourself up for failure... .Finding yourself in this situation, is no mistake... .

.i could go on ... but you get it... thats the cycle i need to dismantle before i shoot myself in the head... .

The only way off the hamster wheel of pain... .is as the VICTIM... .the illness is begging for responses that keeps the crazy making going... .I hope your frustration, is pushing poor choices of words... .Threats of suicide, is something that professionals, should deal with... .I wish u well, PEACE

[Speck]

Hey, DD.  I'm so glad you found this forum in order to discover the answers you seek to help you in coping with your grief.  Yes, grief-work... .however, all that and much more can be accomplished here.  Once the shock, anger, and raw grief has ebbed a bit for you, there's still yet much to learn.  You are among compassionate fellow learners who will try to help you on your stated journey to "Stop the Cycle."  Of course, the onus is on YOU to actually stop it, as your pwBPD cannot.

thats the cycle i need to dismantle before i shoot myself in the head... .

I really get your sentiment, here.  I really do, and I hope for your sake that you are just talking in cheek, perhaps being a little hyperbolic.  If no, I urge you to call up your local health department and locate a professional listener pronto... .or dial 911 and tell the operator exactly what you just said here. 

I am concerned and hope that you can find relief from your anguish.


-Speck

[Skip]

What is a guy supposed to do?

Something different than what you have done that hasn't worked. 

You love her and you want to fix this.

She has mood issues. Reading a person with mood issues is hard (but it can be done) and having a steady life is not possible - there will be moods.

If the moods are beating you down... .you either have to learn (we have a board for that) how to deal with them, or you need to exit the party.

Easy to say, I know. But that is the big umbrella you operate under.

Is this fixable?

[dumpsterdog]

Still feeling so aggravated with this whole thing. I've been through this so many times over 6 , going on 7 years. The anger I feel is all consuming. How dare she. I cant think of anything more I could have done, I just cant believe she could be so blind and not see how completely unappreciative and dismissive of all the " over and above " things I did for her. And then to tell me I'm a loser and start playing the victim with another man behind my back, when I'm the one cleaning up the dog ____ and begging her to com out from behind locked doors just unbelievable. And I still try to have pity on her.

Side-note. Once before I left Vegas to come to Illinois to visit family. I was talking to a homeless person outside a gas station while pumping gas. Just venting and the homeless person asked me. Can you name five nice things shes done for you over all the years. And I could not.

Do they really just not see what they do to us? How can they not be aware of how evil and life sucking , life wrecking they are for the people who love them the most. They'd just rather go have ___ with a stranger, then come home and tell you they don't want sex with you because they don't trust you. But they will trust a total stranger.  I just do not get it. Uguuughhhh!

Unbelievable.  I think I just want the satisfaction of seeing her know what her words / rages actions do to others. And don't even get me started about the "cutting". She stood right in front of me and cut herself bloody with scissors, and told me " see what you make me do. I hate you. And then called the cops when I tried to wipe the blood off of her and told them I was " grabbing her " This is crazy... There is no other word for it. BPD or not. Butting yourself and then blaming your love and calling the cops on him is just insane!

Someone help me understand this crap. Please

[Skip]

She stood right in front of me and cut herself bloody with scissors, and told me " see what you make me do. I hate you. And then called the cops when I tried to wipe the blood off of her and told them I was " grabbing her " This is crazy... There is no other word for it. BPD or not. Butting yourself and then blaming your love and calling the cops on him is just insane!

Someone help me understand this crap. Please

It sounds insane... .what makes this hardest is that you don't want to let her go.

[babyducks]

dumpsterdog

Do they really just not see what they do to us?

some people can perform the most exquisite complicated music.    I can't carry a tune in a bucket.

some people can't do math,... .and I have a knack for it.     It's just the way I am wired.

she's is not wired to understand your emotions or to be able to regulate her own.

read that again.    seriously.    read that again.

she's is not wired to understand your emotions or to be able to regulate her own.

she cuts herself so that the physical pain overwhelms the emotional pain.    a very effective way to take your mind off something is to smash your thumb with a hammer.    crude but effective.

take a couple of deep deep breathes dumpsterdog.    I know you are in a world of hurt.    I know you are angry.    part of what is hurting you and making you angry is that you want her to be different from what she is.    that's not how she is wired.     you've done this for 6 or 7 years.   she isn't going to suddenly wake up, smell the coffee and act differently.    she isn't wired that way.   

you are wired differently.    you can act differently.     which way would you like to go?

'ducks

[dumpsterdog]

Guess what... I just realized something huge... .
I am taking an early childhood development course to remove a provision on my teacher license... .and the topic was " what are the most important things in a childs early growth "... .and when I answered ... .it dawned on me ... .THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY BPD MATE NEEDS FORM ME... .am i right... ?

read and advise please... .thanks


so , Here it is:

 

What are the most important things in a childs life?

1.Meet their physical needs... food clothing shelter... .is a matter of life or death... .nothing else matters if this isnt done.

2.Protect them from harm... ( I watch National Geographic alot )... .Once their born, they have no means to protect themselves from harm, this includes physical , emotional. sexual abuse, neglect.

3.Give the child comfort in felling safe and secure in a really big world they do not understand.

4. Always be there when they need you and be sure they know that you will be no matter what.

 

The best thing I can do for a child is to always be a " solid landing Place" ... so they know that noo matter what happens, they are safe, physically and emotionally around me and my " DEN "

Doesnt this sound like a poster for Raising a BPD?

[babyducks]

Hey dumpsterdog,

I'm not sure I completely follow your train of thought here.

The four steps you listed are the best way to raise a secure child.    People who develop BPD probably didn't have those four items in their childhood.     People who have BPD are still looking to get their needs met,   their needs are very important,  critical to how they go through life.

Why was understanding this a break through moment for you?

'ducks

[FindingMe2011]

Still feeling so aggravated with this whole thing. I've been through this so many times over 6 , going on 7 years. The anger I feel is all consuming. How dare she. I cant think of anything more I could have done, I just cant believe she could be so blind and not see how completely unappreciative and dismissive of all the " over and above " things I did for her. And then to tell me I'm a loser and start playing the victim with another man behind my back, when I'm the one cleaning up the dog ____ and begging her to com out from behind locked doors just unbelievable. And I still try to have pity on her.


Feel the anger... .dont act on it... .although triggered by BPD, its all yours, own it, and understand it... .You seem  to be taking all of this personally, understandably so... .Chances are better than avg, if you were to step aside, others would receive the same treatment. The illness didnt seek u out, and attack. You welcomed it with open arms... The illness is an Equal opportunity Offender... .If you have done everything, u could have, for 7 yrs, hopefully, one day you will do something different, to obtain a different result... .This abandonment you are feeling, is some insight, on how you could remain, in this toxic r/s... .

Do they really just not see what they do to us? How can they not be aware of how evil and life sucking , life wrecking they are for the people who love them the most.

If you see what they do... .what keep u in the r/s? BPD is an illness, that is in survival mode, 24/7/365... .there is no time, or very little, for comforting others... .The illness consumes them, and all those within reach... .For me, I really did have to reassess what my definition of love was... .

Unbelievable.  I think I just want the satisfaction of seeing her know what her words / rages actions do to others

Would you ask a blind man to see? an amputee to walk? understand the illness... .this would be PERCEIVED as death... .your attempt at logic, doesnt fit here... .the past 7 yrs, tells u this, no?

And don't even get me started about the "cutting". She stood right in front of me and cut herself bloody with scissors, and told me " see what you make me do. I hate you.

Cutting is reportedly, to alleviate the mental pain, if only for a moment... .She hates herself... .This is projection, you are taking personally... .Please adopt the boundary... ."if this happens again, I will call the proper authority"... .Understand, although with good intentions intended, you are only enabling the illness, and truly not qualified to deal with this crisis... .it may just save her life... .

Someone help me understand this crap. Please

There is no magic pill... .It took u a lifetime to get here, understanding it, in a short period of time, isnt possible... .Nobody has the power, to make others feel any certain way, unless this person decides to give them this power, maybe? Your in the infant stages, of what i hope on day, you will consider  journey... .lots to learn, I wish u well, PEACE

[FindingMe2011]

Guess what... I just realized something huge... .
I am taking an early childhood development course to remove a provision on my teacher license... .and the topic was " what are the most important things in a childs early growth "... .and when I answered ... .it dawned on me ... .THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY BPD MATE NEEDS FORM ME... .am i right... ?


Yes, u would be right... .Many believe, people become stuck, when trauma is experienced. Unless this trauma is dealt with in a healthy manor... .So if the abuse happened at 5, part of this persons psyche is still there... .this could be true for any person, no?... .I remember having revelations of this... .I then needed to answer. " why would i even want to entertain this r/s?... .I was also immature... .

Doesnt this sound like a poster for Raising a BPD?

Yep, and I was a willing participant to be the parent figure... .I wish u well, PEACE

[Skip]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY BPD MATE NEEDS FORM ME... .am i right... ?

Yes. Exactly. If you want to end the relationship and detach, this thinking is a good a good start.

No. Wrong. If you want to recover your relationship then you should be working on the Rebuilding Board - especially when you reconnected recently. Reliving the same roles in the same conflict over and over only wears down the relationship and eventually it crumbles for good.

I get that you are frustrated. I get that she is emotional and/or irrational at times.

Being emotional and/or irrational yourself, is not a solution.

 

[enlighten me]

One thing you need to realise during a break up with a pwBPD is that their mind set isn't that of the person you know. If they have found someone new for instance then you don't matter. The feelings they had for you are no longer there as they are now for the new romantic partner.

If they are angry with you then the same applies. You are no longer their partner that they loved but the person they are vilifying.

Writing a letter may one day sink in but in the rawness of a break up when a pwBPDs feeling have changed towards you it would in effect almost be like them receiving a letter from a stranger.