How could he get away with that

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So two days ago I got in contact with one of my uBPD's ex-girlfriends (we have a mutual friend) and I found out something very shocking.

My ex and this particular ex-girlfriend have quite a history together. They were together for a year when they were still in high school, but when she started university in the same town as he and they joined the same student association, they started seeing eachother again. Before that she had been on exchange for a year and during that time they were emailing eachother all the time because right before she left they had kissed during a night out and things had rekindled a bit.

So during her first year at uni they were seeing eachother about once every week or every two weeks, but always at her place and always on his terms. Always in the evenings etc. He was really playing with her, seeing how much power he had over her I think. One day she saw him with another girl in the park while they had seen eachother the night before. That broke something inside her and she tried resisting him. Still he kept messaging her and she gave in to him a few times. But then she met a guy and got in a relationship with him. My ex had a new girlfriend at that time as well. Still he kept messaging her, saying he would leave her girlfriend for her and asking her to come over. Of course, now that she had a new boyfriend herself, she never gave in anymore.

So this already sounds quite shady, but here's the catch. During that year while they were seeing eachother on and off, he already had a girlfriend. This is the girl he called his soulmate when he spoke to me about her, who I think he still wasn't over when he was with me. They have had an on-off relationship of about three years. But to the ex-girlfriend I spoke to he said they had only been together for about half a year. So for about 8 months (the three-year girlfriend and him broke up somewhere during that year) he was cheating on a regular basis. For example he went on vacation with his girlfriend but told that ex he was sleeping with again that he was on vacation with friends etc etc etc.

I just can't believe it. How can someone be this low? Lie so much? I don't know which of his stories to believe anymore. He always spoke so highly of that three-year-on-off girlfriend, I was always so jealous of their relationship. And now I found out that he had been cheating on her for quite some time. What else has he done? What kind of man is this?

I am quite certain (like 99%) nothing like this happened during our relationship, since he we were in contact all day when we weren't together and he was always very open with his phone, so he couldn't really have been hiding anything.

I just don't understand how he could have gotten away with this for so lang. How he wasn't found out. Although maybe that three-year-on-off girlfriend did find out in the end because I don't know the details of their break-up and I do know he lost some friends in the course of it because they chose her side. But they are still in contact sometimes and I don't think they would be if she knew about this.

And still I miss him. Still every time I open my messages I hope that there's one of him. It's now been over three weeks since our last contact and it hurts so much. I just don't understand that even after all these stories I would probably still take him back if he would want to. All I think about is him in someone else's arms right now (and I'm certain of him being with someone else already since he just really can't be alone in any way or form). That that girl maybe will make him happy on the long term.

[blooming]

So two days ago I got in contact with one of my uBPD's ex-girlfriends (we have a mutual friend) and I found out something very shocking.

My ex and this particular ex-girlfriend have quite a history together. They were together for a year when they were still in high school, but when she started university in the same town as he and they joined the same student association, they started seeing eachother again. Before that she had been on exchange for a year and during that time they were emailing eachother all the time because right before she left they had kissed during a night out and things had rekindled a bit.

So during her first year at uni they were seeing eachother about once every week or every two weeks, but always at her place and always on his terms. Always in the evenings etc. He was really playing with her, seeing how much power he had over her I think. One day she saw him with another girl in the park while they had seen eachother the night before. That broke something inside her and she tried resisting him. Still he kept messaging her and she gave in to him a few times. But then she met a guy and got in a relationship with him. My ex had a new girlfriend at that time as well. Still he kept messaging her, saying he would leave her girlfriend for her and asking her to come over. Of course, now that she had a new boyfriend herself, she never gave in anymore.

So this already sounds quite shady, but here's the catch. During that year while they were seeing eachother on and off, he already had a girlfriend. This is the girl he called his soulmate when he spoke to me about her, who I think he still wasn't over when he was with me. They have had an on-off relationship of about three years. But to the ex-girlfriend I spoke to he said they had only been together for about half a year. So for about 8 months (the three-year girlfriend and him broke up somewhere during that year) he was cheating on a regular basis. For example he went on vacation with his girlfriend but told that ex he was sleeping with again that he was on vacation with friends etc etc etc.

I just can't believe it. How can someone be this low? Lie so much? I don't know which of his stories to believe anymore. He always spoke so highly of that three-year-on-off girlfriend, I was always so jealous of their relationship. And now I found out that he had been cheating on her for quite some time. What else has he done? What kind of man is this?

I am quite certain (like 99%) nothing like this happened during our relationship, since he we were in contact all day when we weren't together and he was always very open with his phone, so he couldn't really have been hiding anything.

I just don't understand how he could have gotten away with this for so lang. How he wasn't found out. Although maybe that three-year-on-off girlfriend did find out in the end because I don't know the details of their break-up and I do know he lost some friends in the course of it because they chose her side. But they are still in contact sometimes and I don't think they would be if she knew about this.

And still I miss him. Still every time I open my messages I hope that there's one of him. It's now been over three weeks since our last contact and it hurts so much. I just don't understand that even after all these stories I would probably still take him back if he would want to. All I think about is him in someone else's arms right now (and I'm certain of him being with someone else already since he just really can't be alone in any way or form). That that girl maybe will make him happy on the long term.

[Jeffree]

I don't know which of his stories to believe anymore.

That is the rub, eh?

You meet a relative stranger who says this and that. You figure to believe what your hearing, as long as it is within reason, and in reality it could all be a lie, partially a lie, mostly true or all true. You really never know.

In the aftermath of both my BPD riddled marriages, I have no idea what was true or real about the person I was with. I have no idea what their intentions were. I have no idea what they truly thought of me. All I know is what I experienced, which is also colored by their lies.

It's creepy.

J

[blooming]

I don't know which of his stories to believe anymore.

That is the rub, eh?

You meet a relative stranger who says this and that. You figure to believe what your hearing, as long as it is within reason, and in reality it could all be a lie, partially a lie, mostly true or all true. You really never know.

In the aftermath of both my BPD riddled marriages, I have no idea what was true or real about the person I was with. I have no idea what their intentions were. I have no idea what they truly thought of me. All I know is what I experienced, which is also colored by their lies.

It's creepy.

J

It's extremely creepy. It's undescribably scary to feel like the person you knew all that time wasn't the person he really was, but just the person he wanted you to believe he was. How easy it is for him to lie, I just can't believe it. I'm kind of angry that he can play this kind of games with the women in his life and get away with it. That he can find a new "victim" whenever he pleases, since he is so attractive and can be so incredibly charming and sweet.

[araneina]

And now I found out that he had been cheating on her for quite some time. What else has he done? What kind of man is this?

Yeah... .it's mind blowing.  I can't tell you how much it still hurts knowing that my ex was communicating with his new gf while we were still together.  I keep thinking - how, why?  Why did he keep stringing me along when he clearly had intentions to be with this new girl?  I don't get it, and it makes me feel so crappy.

I find myself going through the same line of questions that you do.  What kind of man is this?  Mine TOLD me what kind of man he was and I still hung on.  He told me once he suspected his then-gf was cheating on him so he went out and slept with some girl from work for revenge.  What kind of person does that?

It's really, really hard to move past the betrayal and the confusion.  I don't quite know how to do it and it's so frustrating.  I'm sorry you're struggling with this - I know your pain.

And not to make you feel worse, but my ex was also very open with his phone and we were in almost constant contact.  It was the very reason he WAS open with his phone that I know he was talking to this girl while we were together.  He was showing me something on his phone and I saw a text from her asking him when he'd be in town next.  :/

[blooming]

Yeah... .it's mind blowing.  I can't tell you how much it still hurts knowing that my ex was communicating with his new gf while we were still together.  I keep thinking - how, why?  Why did he keep stringing me along when he clearly had intentions to be with this new girl?  I don't get it, and it makes me feel so crappy.

I find myself going through the same line of questions that you do.  What kind of man is this?  Mine TOLD me what kind of man he was and I still hung on.  He told me once he suspected his then-gf was cheating on him so he went out and slept with some girl from work for revenge.  What kind of person does that?

It's really, really hard to move past the betrayal and the confusion.  I don't quite know how to do it and it's so frustrating.  I'm sorry you're struggling with this - I know your pain.

And not to make you feel worse, but my ex was also very open with his phone and we were in almost constant contact.  It was the very reason he WAS open with his phone that I know he was talking to this girl while we were together.  He was showing me something on his phone and I saw a text from her asking him when he'd be in town next.  :/

That sounds like a horrible experience araneina, I can't imagine what you must feel like. The worst thing he did to me when it comes to that sort of thing is download a dating app and give his number to one of the girls he met there and have quite a long whatsapp conversation with her in which he pretended I didn't exist and in which they were talking about meeting up (I found out before that sort of thing could happen though, but he did break up with me a week after so it was a clear sign that I wasn't good enough for him anymore and he needed more attention from other, new women).

It just sucks that in the aftermath of relationships with these sort of people everything is so unfair. We sit here hurting like crazy and they just go on living their lifes, pretending like nothing has happened, already attaching themselves to someone new. While I can't forgive myself for mistakes I (might have) made during our relationship and am only thinking "what if I behaved differently, would we still be together?" and things like that, he already has another in his arms, probably just thinking of me as someone he's glad to be rid of. Otherwise he would have contacted me in the past 23 days.

[araneina]

It's frustrating, at the very least.  I was there for him during a period in his life where he hated his job, was suicidal, drinking heavily... .I allowed myself to be the person in his life that he could unload all of his problems on.  Then, when he quit his job and decided to move somewhere else, he dumped me stating he needed to "make his own happiness."  He didn't want a long distance relationship with me, but I guess he's fine with a LDR with this other girl.  What I find so frustrating is I KNOW that we actually were not compatible in the long run.  There were core beliefs/wants that he had that I disagreed with and that would have eventually affected our relationship.
 So why do I care so much?

I know I'm ruminating and it's pointless but I hate that feeling that I gave this relationship my all and he wasn't even really all that invested in it.  In many ways I suspect I was just a security blanket for him while he needed it.  What I really hate is how crappy that's made me feel lately.  I try to tell myself that it's no reflection on me as a woman, but... .easier said than done.  

Anyhow I don't mean to hijack your thread.  Just know that I understand.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi blooming,

I still find myself wondering sometimes who on earth the man was that I was with.  Once the lies are blown open it becomes impossible to unravel what was fact and what was fiction, as you said.  This left me feeling hurt, bewildered and somewhat betrayed.  Honesty is the number one thing I value in a r/s.  It's OK to miss him, despite everything.  That's perfectly natural.  When we are grieving the loss of a r/s it's also natural to go through phases where the good outweighs the bad.  I wrote down a lot of things, both good and bad (separate pages) as a reminder to myself of the imbalance in the r/s.  This helped a great deal when I was feeling overwhelmed with longing.  Have you read the article on How To Survive a Breakup with a BPD partner?  It was a lifesaver for me.  You can find it HERE.

What else has he done? What kind of man is this?

With regards to your questions above, the likelihood is that he has done whatever he was driven to in order to 'survive'.  Perception of survival to a pwBPD can be very different to our own.  The intense fear of abandonment and (possibly even more destructive) fear of engulfment mean that he may well have been feeling very desperate a lot of the time to not only ensure that he had someone to be with (to avoid being alone) but that he also had someone else to fall back on.  When a partner gets too close, a BPD sufferer can begin to feel engulfed by the r/s and want to flee, hence the push/pull behaviour leading to the sort of on/off relationships and cycles of breakup/make ups that you describe.  Also, doubts about whether a r/s will last could have driven him to want to feel more secure, by putting out feelers with another prospective partner.  Being with one partner whilst commencing another r/s is not uncommon, as a sufferer may wish to ensure that there is a real prospect for a r/s to move into before disengaging from a previous one.  Remember though, not all pwBPD are alike.  It is a spectrum disorder and each sufferer is an individual.  These patterns of behaviour can be seen in some instances, not necessarily all. 

My advice to you right now would be to not spend too long (and you will know when it is too long as it will drag you down and many of us have been there) trying to work out what happened.  We cannot necessarily ever truly know or understand completely our ex partners' behaviour, nor could we ever have controlled it.  What we can influence is ourselves and it's important to keep a check on where we are in our recovery.  Closure has to come from ourselves.  When a thought pattern is persistent and does not serve our own well being it's time to let it go and focus on something which is more positive for our own health.  This is something only you can know in yourself.  What steps are you taking that are positive for you at the moment, to help you through this difficult time?  Do you have a therapist?  Close friends/family to whom you can share how you are feeling?  I'd encourage you to read the articles and lessons to the right of the page, as these helped me enormously in the early stages.  Also reading the threads of others who were further in the journey than I.  Keep posting.  What you're going through is tough and we're listening. 

Love and light x     

[Jeffree]

he already has another in his arms, probably just thinking of me as someone he's glad to be rid of

Whoa, now hold on there... .That is not very nice to say about yourself. I don't even think he'd stoop THAT low, though I'd rather not have to bet my house on that.

Personally, if I were you, and I'm not that far removed from being someone cast asunder similarly (for whom or what I don't know), I'd think good friggin' riddance you jackbutt. NOW I have the chance to find a special someone who can appreciate me for me and everything I am about.

You also have the chance to breathe again, to not walk on eggshells and worry about your every word offending him.

I mean, geez these freakin' people and their bull. Screw off!

J

[blooming]

I wrote down a lot of things, both good and bad (separate pages) as a reminder to myself of the imbalance in the r/s.  This helped a great deal when I was feeling overwhelmed with longing.  Have you read the article on How To Survive a Breakup with a BPD partner?  It was a lifesaver for me.  You can find it HERE.

Yeah, maybe I should do that too, write everything down. Because I notice that I never think about the bad anymore, only abut the good. Which makes missing him that much harder. It's just so unfair how easy it apparently is for him to get over me and how hard it is for me to get over him. I haven't read the article yet, but definitely will now!
 

When a partner gets too close, a BPD sufferer can begin to feel engulfed by the r/s and want to flee, hence the push/pull behaviour leading to the sort of on/off relationships and cycles of breakup/make ups that you describe.

I think this might be what happened between us, although of course I can only speculate. He started distancing himself from me after I had been really ill and in hospital for a few days. He had a really hard time during this, he was really worried about me and cried when he saw me in the hospital and things like that. I think maybe he wasn't ready to feel those feelings for someone or he was scared by them or something? Because less than a week after that he downloaded tinder (dating app) and started talking to women on there.

My advice to you right now would be to not spend too long (and you will know when it is too long as it will drag you down and many of us have been there) trying to work out what happened.  We cannot necessarily ever truly know or understand completely our ex partners' behaviour, nor could we ever have controlled it.  What we can influence is ourselves and it's important to keep a check on where we are in our recovery.  Closure has to come from ourselves.  When a thought pattern is persistent and does not serve our own well being it's time to let it go and focus on something which is more positive for our own health.  This is something only you can know in yourself.  What steps are you taking that are positive for you at the moment, to help you through this difficult time?  Do you have a therapist?  Close friends/family to whom you can share how you are feeling?  I'd encourage you to read the articles and lessons to the right of the page, as these helped me enormously in the early stages.  Also reading the threads of others who were further in the journey than I.  Keep posting.  What you're going through is tough and we're listening. 

You're right, I shouldn't think about him and what he might or might not have done so much. It's just that he's the only thing on my mind all the time, day or night. So it's hard to shut those thoughts out. And for some reason I just can't accept that it's over, so I think that's why I can't seem to find closure. I still wish for him to contact me, saying he misses me and wants to try again. I just don't accept that I've lost him forever. I love him so much, he was the first person to make me feel wanted and loved and we had so much in common and I just thought we would last forever. It's just sucks that there's this part of him, because otherwise I really think we would have been a perfect match. And that's just a very difficult thought to have.

I have a therapist, but I started seeing her for my low self esteem (which is now really bad again because of him) and to get over the last hurdles of my eating disorder, not especially to talk about him. Although we do discuss him sometimes of course. And I do have lovely friends and family, but I notice that they don't understand me anymore and they start reacting less and less to my desperate messages or talks. I think they don't know how to help me anymore and they don't understand how low I'm feeling.

[blooming]

Personally, if I were you, and I'm not that far removed from being someone cast asunder similarly (for whom or what I don't know), I'd think good friggin' riddance you jackbutt. NOW I have the chance to find a special someone who can appreciate me for me and everything I am about.

You also have the chance to breathe again, to not walk on eggshells and worry about your every word offending him.

I mean, geez these freakin' people and their bull. Screw off!

J

Haha I absolutely love your attitude and your clear words Jeffree, they really do help. I know you're probably right. It's just hard to actually think those thoughts.

[Harley Quinn]

I have a therapist, but I started seeing her for my low self esteem (which is now really bad again because of him) and to get over the last hurdles of my eating disorder, not especially to talk about him. Although we do discuss him sometimes of course. And I do have lovely friends and family, but I notice that they don't understand me anymore and they start reacting less and less to my desperate messages or talks. I think they don't know how to help me anymore and they don't understand how low I'm feeling.

Hi blooming,

Coping with an eating disorder is tough in itself without having additional emotional strain added to the mix.  I feel for you.  Can your T adapt the approach for you to shift focus to a degree?  I was in counselling for a pain condition I suffer from and when things became traumatic in my r/s, we agreed that it was better we round off then I could enter into counselling with someone who could support me with the crisis in my life at the time.  As it has landed, the counsellor I now see isn't fixed to one agenda and there is no set number of sessions, so I can talk about anything that is pressing to me.

It's common to find that friends and relatives who have not experienced a BPD r/s and breakup find it difficult to understand the depth of the experience and the impact it has on us.  If you're able to speak to your existing T, or another who is experienced in BPD, then this would be really helpful.  It's great that you reached out here also.  We can relate to what you're going through.

With your friends and family, they may not know how to comfort you in the way that you seek, however spending time with them and being around those who love you will benefit you in other ways, so try to be accepting of the fact they may struggle to comprehend what you're going through.  One thing I did was to send the link to the article I shared with you above to my family, which gave them more of an idea.  They still didn't know what to say, but at least they understood why I was feeling everything I was.

I'd be interested to know if you identified any of the beliefs that might apply for you at the moment?

Love and light x   

[blooming]

Hi blooming,

Coping with an eating disorder is tough in itself without having additional emotional strain added to the mix.  I feel for you.  Can your T adapt the approach for you to shift focus to a degree?  I was in counselling for a pain condition I suffer from and when things became traumatic in my r/s, we agreed that it was better we round off then I could enter into counselling with someone who could support me with the crisis in my life at the time.  As it has landed, the counsellor I now see isn't fixed to one agenda and there is no set number of sessions, so I can talk about anything that is pressing to me.

It's common to find that friends and relatives who have not experienced a BPD r/s and breakup find it difficult to understand the depth of the experience and the impact it has on us.  If you're able to speak to your existing T, or another who is experienced in BPD, then this would be really helpful.  It's great that you reached out here also.  We can relate to what you're going through.

With your friends and family, they may not know how to comfort you in the way that you seek, however spending time with them and being around those who love you will benefit you in other ways, so try to be accepting of the fact they may struggle to comprehend what you're going through.  One thing I did was to send the link to the article I shared with you above to my family, which gave them more of an idea.  They still didn't know what to say, but at least they understood why I was feeling everything I was.

I'd be interested to know if you identified any of the beliefs that might apply for you at the moment?

Love and light x   

Hi!

Sorry for taking so long to reply, I have been very busy and stressed with exams.

I will ask my therapist to shift the focus a little, that's a very good idea. Because I feel like I can't really work on myself and my self esteem now because my head is just so full of him and the relationship and everything that happened.

Yes, now even my family are detaching, saying I shouldn't drown myself in sorrow but should just toughen up and realise I'm better off without him. I feel like a failure because I can't do this. I don't want to disappoint my friends and family, but I just can't seem to let go of him. Every moment of every day I still wish for him to come back to me.

I actually sent the article to my family and some of my friends too! But this was quite in the beginning of the break up when I found out about his BPD traits, so maybe they have forgotten already.

I can definitely relate to the beliefs very much. I believe that my ex holds the key to my happiness (I have never felt as happy as when I was with him, because he was the first person ever to make me feel wanted and beautiful). I believe that the relationship issues are caused by me. I do not (anymore) believe, but still hope that things can go back to "the way they used to be". I cling to a lot of words that were said, both good and bad. I do not believe, but hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder and that one day he will seek contact again. I believe that I need to stay to help them.