my 14 year old daughter cant stand her BPD father im in the middle

[wren1]

My partner and i have been together longer than not,the relationship has always been difficult ,a dizzying roller coaster of abuse and love, ive accepted that to love this person that i can never please ,is worth it ,but will never be easy!my daughter does not have the same investment i have and puts alot of pressure on me to leave the relationship ,shes the only one who stands toe to toe with him when hes acting up and his cruel words cut her like a knife! i cant leave them alone together and its pulling me into the situation ive learned to run from, im fierce for my children and its making an us against him feeling in the home which does nothing for my BPD partners disposition. we have just started counseling and will soon bring our daughter into the sessions for family .in the meantime things have escalated leaving me feeling like i should leave him for my daughters sake ,im really struggling!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sad but wiser]

Your daughter has three choices. 1) stay with you 2) live on the streets, possibly be raped, beaten and descend into a horruble hellish life.  3) kill herself.
   She does not have the option to get a job and move out.  You do.  She is throwing herself on your mercy. If you cannot protect her, if you will not protect her, what can she do? 

[Notwendy]

I am a child of a BPD mother and at age 14 I hated her. I am sure I put my father in a bind, but he was in love with her and I wasn't, so I couldn't see the relationship as he saw it.

The larger damage I think was that my parents minimized her behavior- made it acceptable- when I knew at 14 that it was not. That kind of thing- expecting a child to silence her own judgement, accept the unacceptable was what sets us up to accept the unacceptable in our adult relationships.

I don't know if you have to leave the relationship to change the dynamics. On this section- staying- are partners who are looking to improve the relationship while being committed to it. Even if you did separate, he will be her father regardless.

I hope the counselor will help you with this. She may even suggest individual counseling for your daughter. As to the relationship- you can work on the dysfunction- together or not. Pay close attention to the drama triangle and the roles the three of you are taking on it, and how perhaps you can change this interaction.

As strong willed as your D is, she is still 14. She needs her parents to stand up for her. If her father won't, then that parent is you.

[wren1]

i found sadder but wisers comments very unhelpful! my partner is the father of our daughter and her and her father need each other, share a lot in common,and untill her teen years have been great friends!He has been a very pro-active father! if i stay in this relationship or not, this fact will not change ,she needs help in dealing with her father! im seeking individual on-going counseling for her, marriage counseling for us and family counseling for all 3 of us ,my daughter also has mental health issuses outside of our family dynamic, this is a complicated situation! that leaving my partner wont magically cure and could make worse! i cant figure it all out myself and am looking for answers not judgment!   

[Notwendy]

I think getting the counselors involved is helpful.

The teen years can be a challenge even for parents who don't have BPD. Teens can push their boundaries. If the parent has a disorder and also poor boundaries- this can make the teen years even more challenging. Another aspect of BPD is emotional immaturity. I think teens can sense that- and they have a mind of their own. By age 14 - I could see how my mother behaved, and I knew it wasn't OK- yet somehow I was expected to obey her?

I think it is a good idea to get a counselor for your D to help her cope in a positive way. I don't know if she has plans to attend college, but if she does- this is one way for her to get herself out of the house if she wants to. This is a positive way to cope- as opposed to negative ways. If not college- is there a job/career that interests her? Cosmetology? Dental Hygene? Technician? Having plans and goals for herself could make a difference. She can't go at 14, but in time, she will be 18.

Is there any way she can have a respite from the conflict? I used to spend time during school breaks with relatives- which gave us kids some respite from the issues with BPD mom. I think the trips were as much for her too ( maybe more) - as we challenged her. Can you afford teen summer camps- or even a therapy camp /school if she needs that kind of treatment?

[sad but wiser]

Dear Wren,
  I am sorry that my comments were so harsh.  They were not meant to be judgemental.  I was you at one time, and your daughter was my daughter.  Now I wish I had seen more from her viewpoint.  She couldn't tell me what I told you, because I was trying to keep the family together.  She has told me since then, though.  If I have any regrets, they are that I wasn't enough for her and my son when they needed me.  I was running interference and running tired and with no energy.  I understand, I do.  I wish you the best.