Told my husband of 18 years that I want a Divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I told my BPD husband that I want a divorce and that I’m serious this time. I have two sons 12 and 15 and they are my biggest concern. If I didn’t have them, I would run out that door and run far far away. I am so tired and so drained. I can tell that it’s affecting my health. It’s like all of a sudden I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to argue anymore and try to prove to him that he’s lying, stealing money from my personal checking out, allowing him to call me nanes, or pretending he can’t hear me.

The other day he asked me why I was so dressed up and I told him that one of my best friends had died and I was at her funeral. He just looked at me... no response. I’m so incredibly tired of not having a spouse who knows how to love me well. I used to think I was this strong woman and that just as long as my boys were happy that I would be okay. But, I’m learning I’m not that strong anymore.
I feel like I need to be in a rehab center for BPD abuse. I just started meeting with a counselor and formulating a plan to leave without upsetting my boys. Trying to figure out all the details. The biggest thing is selling our house because neither one of us can afford to stay in our home alone. I am wanting to move into our rental house with my boys, but he is saying he’s not going to allow it.
I seriously look at him sometimes and fantasize using my stun gun on him. I really don’t want to to be this person that I’m turning into.
I’m actually surprised I’m finally here. In my head, I was planning it out when my kids were a little older. But, I’m ready and it makes me so happy knowing that I will be freed from this bizarre world I’ve been in for over 20 years.
I’m just so weary. I just needed to reach out to others who truly understand this mental illness. My sweet mom thinks I’m just hormonal and I just need to be nicer to him. If she only knew.
Thanks for reading!

[Pinkdress88]

I told my BPD husband that I want a divorce and that I’m serious this time. I have two sons 12 and 15 and they are my biggest concern. If I didn’t have them, I would run out that door and run far far away. I am so tired and so drained. I can tell that it’s affecting my health. It’s like all of a sudden I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to argue anymore and try to prove to him that he’s lying, stealing money from my personal checking out, allowing him to call me nanes, or pretending he can’t hear me.

The other day he asked me why I was so dressed up and I told him that one of my best friends had died and I was at her funeral. He just looked at me... no response. I’m so incredibly tired of not having a spouse who knows how to love me well. I used to think I was this strong woman and that just as long as my boys were happy that I would be okay. But, I’m learning I’m not that strong anymore.
I feel like I need to be in a rehab center for BPD abuse. I just started meeting with a counselor and formulating a plan to leave without upsetting my boys. Trying to figure out all the details. The biggest thing is selling our house because neither one of us can afford to stay in our home alone. I am wanting to move into our rental house with my boys, but he is saying he’s not going to allow it.
I seriously look at him sometimes and fantasize using my stun gun on him. I really don’t want to to be this person that I’m turning into.
I’m actually surprised I’m finally here. In my head, I was planning it out when my kids were a little older. But, I’m ready and it makes me so happy knowing that I will be freed from this bizarre world I’ve been in for over 20 years.
I’m just so weary. I just needed to reach out to others who truly understand this mental illness. My sweet mom thinks I’m just hormonal and I just need to be nicer to him. If she only knew.
Thanks for reading!

[CryWolf]

Thank you for sharing Pinkdress. 

I cant imagine all the stress you've gone through and the amount of patience you've had. I salute you for putting your children first. It takes lots of courage to raise children in situations as these. 

Youre not alone in how you feel. As others, I as well experienced lying, being belittled and called names and of course silent treatment. This is the worst feeling to experience but its unfortunately typical in most relationships with a person who suffers from BPD.

What steps are you preparing in order to start the divorce process? Have you talked to the kids about this? Please keep us updated. We are here to support you in anyway we can.

[Lucky Jim]

I’m ready and it makes me so happy knowing that I will be freed from this bizarre world I’ve been in for over 20 years.

Hey Pinkdress88, I admire your courage to make a change.  Many people fear the unknown, with reason, yet I'm here to confirm that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found, which is what it's all about in my view.

Let's face it: you're going to encounter rough sledding ahead, which is all part of the process.  After I separated from my BPDxW, I never seriously considered going back.  Yes it was hard, but it was a lot healthier for me to be out of an abusive situation.  Plus I welcomed the challenge because it was all part of finding own path again.

Keep us posted and let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Pinkdress88,

[

Many people fear the unknown, with reason, yet I'm here to confirm that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found, which is what it's all about in my view.

Let's face it: you're going to encounter rough sledding ahead, which is all part of the process

I read your post and stuck out for me was feeling drained, depressed and your self esteem is affected. I can relate with feeling weary from trying to prove your point, getting a break and feeling anxiety about your future. Sometimes it feels easier to stay in something bad because going out of comfort zone is scary not to mention you have a house together, kids you just can’t get up leave.

I agree with Lucky Jim it gets worse before it gets better but it’s so worth it in the end you can get back to your old strong self. You need some time by yourself, talk to us, talk to a T, talk to a gf that’s non judgmental and do a lot of self care.

[Pinkdress88]

Thank you Cry Wolf, Lucky JIM and Mutt,

It’s comforting to be able to share with people who truly understand the depth of the pain, chaos and confusion being married to someone who suffers with BPD. To answer your questions... .I am meeting with a mediator next week who is an attorney and friend. I’m hoping she will give me insight on how to proceed with the divorce. I have not officially told my boys. But, on Friday night my husband had an episode and told my oldest son that he was going to kill his cat if we put our 18 year old dog to sleep who is ill. They were both upset and I explained to them that my counselor said that it’s not healthy for them to be around someone who treats you like this. They understand  that he is not normal, but they still don’t want us to get a divorce. They are both pretty sensitive boys and this is going to be very challenging for them.
I’m struggling on how to tell them. Because we have to sell the house, I was thinking I would officially tell them closer to the time we can move out.

If you have any advice on how to handle things wirh my boys, I would love to hear your opinions.

I feel blessed to have a strong support system with my girlfriends and siblings. But, it’s scary making things decisions on my own and praying that I handle things in a way that will  cushion their pain. I’m practicing parallel patenting right now. And, I’m choosing to act happy and working hard not to say negative things about their dad.

Thank you friends for taking the time to reply.

[Mutt]

Hi Pinkdress88,

I do parallel parenting as well for the last five years it has its pro’s and con’s it would be nice to able to collaborate between the two houses I think it would definitely the kids and it would make it easier on them if the saw mom and dad get along. I mean act like friends I don’t mean act resentful to each other there’s jo communication that the kids see on a continuous basis that’s sad. That being said.

If they saw their dad emotionally attached to their mom and stuck in conflict and drama there would be more fallout I believe than the challenges that come with parallel parenting it would really hurt the kids more I believe in the long run witness that dysfunction and they need a model not only that the r/s is over i do have a right to not feel drained all of the time I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s not good to be stuck.

They were both upset and I explained to them that my counselor said that it’s not healthy for them to be around someone who treats you like this.

My oldest is a teenager and the other we younger I’ve alwats that it’s harder on teenagers than if they were young they’ll bounce back more quickly. I don’t think that there’s easy answer I think that how it’s delivered is probably your best bet I’d do something with them and bring the subject up and I’d talk to the school counsellor it social worker and maybe have them  heck in once a week for the while to see how they’re doing and I’d think about talking to a therapist and have a session with the family yourself and the boys with a T. Aside from that do they have activities like sports or hobbies things that is good for their esteem and that will keep them distracted?

[ForeverDad]

The biggest thing is selling our house because neither one of us can afford to stay in our home alone. I am wanting to move into our rental house with my boys, but he is saying he’s not going to allow it.

Um, it's really not up to him.  When it goes to court, the court will decide is a mediated settlement can't be reached.

You are being practical when you state neither parent can separately afford the home.  (Would it be workable if you got child support?)  Probably the sooner the house is sold, the better.  The housing market is a bit muddled right now, it has gone higher in recent years and may go still higher — anything is possible — but the odds are it's more likely to weaken for the next few years.

The kids surely know there is parental discord.  (The walls have ears.)  Depending on their ages they may not even have the words to describe its impact on them.  They're probably feeling it's because of them, so be sure to frequently reassure the kids it's not their fault, they aren't the cause nor can they fix it.

Although there are emotional ties to the 'home', it really is just a building, a house or apartment.  Home is where you live, however humble that may be.  (Millions move to other houses, in other cities, other states, even other countries.  That is a lesser concern.)  Kids are adaptable, probably more so than the adults!

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  (They'll probably get married some day, wouldn't you like them to make healthy choices and not picking what they've known so far?)  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation (the earliest quote I could find) on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

[toomanydogs]

Hi PinkDress,
  As others have already said, I admire your courage. I totally relate to feeling drained.
   I can tell you once you're moving through the divorce, you'll not feel nearly as drained.
   I don't have children with my STBX (thank God!), and still it is hard to divorce. You're among friends.   
TMD

[worriedStepmom]

You are doing the right thing.

I was 17 when my parents divorced.  Neither had a personality disorder, but dad was often emotionally abusive.  As upset as I was that my home was breaking in two, deep down I was RELIEVED not to have to live with that anymore.  The problem for children is that they don't know that this dysfunction is not the only way.  It's the way it's always been for them, so they don't necessarily understand up front that there's a more peaceful life waiting for them.  You're going to have to show them what's possible.

I'm also glad you aren't waiting until they are older.  Right now, you have been showing them that this is the way marriage is.  This is the way a husband treats a wife - and that one spouse just has to take abuse.  Now, you'll be able to show them and tell them that this behavior is inappropriate.  You can start reprogramming them so they won't make these kinds of mistakes in their marriages.

It's not going to be easy, but you are doing the right thing.  If you can get the boys in counseling ASAP, that will help.