recovery from surgery and aarrgggh

[committed]

Been a while since I've posted, but I need some advice. Long story short... . my boyfriend moved in with me two years when he got laid off his job so he could find work where I lived. He didn't find a job... . didn't try very hard... . and then ended up sick, resulted in surgery and a colostomy. After about 6 months he was eligible to have the colostomy reversed. He wouldn't call the doc to set up the surgery until he found out he was going to lose his state aid. He finally had the surgery a three weeks ago and has been making my life a living hell since then. I know... . this was a major surgery and it is going to take a while for him to recover. I'm trying so hard to be understanding and to help him, but he vegges in the recliner all day, popping pain pills, not speaking to me and when he does talk, it is to berate me in some way. I just now called him to check on something and he hung up on me.

I think much of the problem is with me. For the past year, I've been paying all of his bills on top of mine because he doesn't have a job... . and for at least 6 months of that time... . he really was unable physically to work. I'm just worn out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm being taken for granted. I'm tired of paying for everything. I wouldn't mind it so much if he at least showed some appreciation toward me for everything I have done and am still doing for him. And, on top of this, he has one more surgery to go through in 2-3 months, then recovery from that before he will be able to work.

I'm at the point where I don't even want to go home when I get off work because of having to face him, but it is my home and I don't want him making me feel that I don't want to be there. He has no family and no friends in the area (we moved within the past year for my job) so he has no place to go. His car is not licensed now and won't be until I pay his county taxes and his licensing fee which I know I'll have to do since he doesn't have a penny to his name.

I just want to scream! I know I got myself in to this and now I don't know how to get out... . or even if want to get out. I love him; I just want to be appreciated. And, as many of you know, I can't just sit down and try to have that discussion with him because it gets turned around on me as if I have the problem and none of it is his fault.

Any ideas?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

You need some boundaries in your life.  Start with some simple boundaries, things that you know need to be changed.  For example, a lot of members start with boundaries around name calling and verbal abuse.  Then, you can work your way up to bigger things, like not paying his bills and him finding a job.

[waverider]

It is a difficult situation, the disorder makes them over play the incapacitation. Throw pain killers int the mix and that becomes a means to block out not just physical pain, but everything. Motivation evaporates. You feel guilty about being too strict on limitations, so the demands and neediness get pushed.

My partner has breast cancer and is undergoing chemo, so obviously I am cutting more slack. But ultimately if you enable them to much, all you are doing is disabling them. You end up not doing anyone any favors.

You have to focus even more on looking after you. It is horrible watching someone effectively wasting their life away though. Just make sure they don't waste yours by association