Protecting others from pwBPD

[daylily]

I have gotten to the point where I can tolerate my uBPDh's behavior without feeling that yuckiness inside that I used to feel when he was dysregulated.  (Whether or not I can always effectively validate or SET is another issue.   )  The one time when I still feel really upset inside is when his behavior affects other people I love.  My H is a good dad for the most part (occasional inappropriate comments but nothing too serious), so it doesn't happen with regard to the kids as frequently as with others I've seen on this site.  Where it seems to occur most often is with my family members, mostly my mother and father.  They help us out a lot by watching the kids, doing some shopping when I can't do it, etc.  They watch S5 three days per week after school until after I get home from work, and occasionally watch D2.  Right now my H is studying for a big test so everyone - my parents and his mom - is rallying to help out with the kids when I'm at work.   

A common complaint H frequently has (and had even before he started studying for the test) is that he's the "low man on the totem pole" when it comes to getting help with watching the kids while I'm at work.  I can't be missing work all the time to provide coverage when he has something else going on (sometimes he does project work, and right now, he's studying).  My parents have other commitments and we can't expect them to drop everything and watch the kids if H wants them to.  My parents are older and get really tired watching the kids, but they nearly always do it if asked.  The only time they don't is if they have obligations they can't move, like doctor appointments, etc.  H's mother helps, but is somewhat unreliable.   

What's interesting is that H complains that he's lowest on the totem pole, yet I don't have anyone to watch the kids for ME during my time with them, which is anytime I'm not at work.  These are my parents, yet they help out H and then are too tired to watch the kids for me on the weekends so I can relax or do something for me!  (Of course, when H works or studies, it helps the family by bringing in money or helping with our future, so I can't really complain.)

Right now H is extremely dysregulated as he's worried that he's not prepared enough for the test.  My parents and his mom already are helping out on Monday, Wednesday and Friday so that he can study.  (Then he also can study in the evenings and on the weekends, because I'm home to be with the kids.)  This week, he wanted help from my parents and his mom on Tuesday too, so he can do a job.  I'm all for him earning money, but I also acknowledge that my parents can't be expected to watch the kids every day of the week.  As usual, they worked him in at his preferred time (Tuesday morning).  Then my dad got called for jury duty.  They wanted to move it to Tuesday afternoon because my mom has a doctor's appt on Tuesday morning.  H got all upset, complaining that now he needs to reschedule his job (it's working for a friend, so no big deal).  My mom was upset and I felt bad about it.  I apologized to my mom for H's behavior and told her that I appreciate how much she and my dad do for us.  She acknowledged that it's not my fault. but I still feel like I need to protect them from him. I realize that there's never going to be this great relationship between H and my parents, but I'd like them to be spared as much as possible from his issues.  Any ideas?  What has worked for you?

  Daylily   

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[briefcase]

I've had this problem between my wife and my parents.  It's hard to find the proper balance between supporting your spouse (who you know has issues) and protecting your parents.  But, you really can't protect them, not really.  They are going to have to find boundaries and strategies themselves.  It might help to talk to them a bit about ways to approach things with him.  Let them know you are aware he has some issues, without necessarily mentioning BPD. 

[Grey Kitty]

I've not had that exact situation... . but I gotta agree with briefcase:

You can't protect another adult from the actions of another adult. You also can't effectively apologize for another's actions, even if that "other" is your spouse.

But that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to do do both things plenty of times before! Another area to work on yourself, I guess... . well, that and some interesting compromises to keep your household working as well as you can... . as having your parents spell your H on child care really does help you as well as him.