some advice please

[heronbird]

Hello,

I dont usually post on this board because its my dd who has BPD. She got married last year after quite a quick relationship, she met him in March, married in Nov and baby in May just gone.

I am wondering if you have any advice for my poor SIL. He is 26 and really loves my dd and his baby.

To try to cut a long story short she had baby, and after two weeks became disinterested in baby. She gave baby to me and asked me to have him. SIL was really upset and seemed to not expect anything like this. He thought she would be like any other mum  

She had a crisis two weeks ago, she kicked dh out and he was phoning me crying all day really upset, saying she dont want help just tablets. He said even if she gets better he does not know if he wants to stay with her because he cant go through this its making him mental was his words. Well it all changed and she loved him the next day, she was sectioned too so he was visiting her with the baby when she could tolerate seeing him.

To be fair, she had been suffering for two weeks she told me she had never felt so bad, this is the worse time in her life. However, she refused to go into a mother and baby unit.

Anyway, 4 weeks on, I still have the baby, she remains disinterested in him and feels guilty about it too. Her husband drops him off in the day to me and keeps baby at night. dd does not help him at all and hes getting tired and concerned.

Dh says its like she wants her single life back, she started going out with her old bad friend to pubs again and she likes that more. Last night he fed baby three times and told me she didnt even help him one bit.

Im worried about her obviously because I love her, but Im wondering what she would do if her dh left her and took baby, do you think she may not care. She seems to go off people easily

Any ideas what I should suggest to help support him? Can anyone relate to any of this?

Wow, he did know what she was like when he first met her. She was brilliant all throughout her pregnancy, the best I have ever seen her.

I can see he is so hurt, he loves her so much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be extremely painful to watch your daughter take no interest in your granddaughter.  In the end, all you can really control in yourself.  Your daughter will do what she chooses.  So will your son-in-law.  It sounds like you and your son-in-law have a good relationship, which is probably the best thing you can do for your grandson right now.

I hope your daughter decides to mature and grow into the role of motherhood sooner rather than later, but that's really up to her. 

Provide emotional support for your daughter.  Lead by example.  Try to be a stable and calm influence in her life. 

[waverider]

It is a time of change with more this interfering with the way she does things. That builds resentment which is projected onto H and baby. So yes denial, and trying to be single is the backlash.

Is there any post natal depression involved at all?

Whether she stays with h or not he will have to be prepared to take most of the responsibility for looking after the baby, as BPD parents are likely to go AWOL when parental responsibilities are required.

Is he willing to have the full responsibility of the baby if he eventually decides he cant stay with D? If not then it will default onto you. Single parent pwBPD is not a safe environment for a child.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't know your DD's story; I've got a question or two about your D & SIL:

Is he aware of her BPD?

Do you and he discuss her BPD issues?

Does he have other sources of support to help him cope with your DD's BPD?

[heronbird]

Wow, Thank you, so interesting, so she is finding the time of change maybe is a trigger would you say?

I noticed when baby was born, dd seemed fine for first two weeks, a bit over protective at times and really didnt want my advice or anything from me at all. No problem there, I didnt mind that. However, I did notice, her dh was telling her how to do absolutely everything, I wondered how she would ever learn, how was she going to cope when he went back to work, he only had a week off.

He is not understanding of BPD, I tried to get him to read a book about a year ago but dd says he does not like reading. I ran a 5 week training course for people who love someone with BPD, he would not come to that, not because I was running it just maybe they are both a bit selfish.

I get the gist they want the icing on the cake but not the cake when it comes to baby.

He is a bit questionable but really wants 100% custody, in fact it was a bit odd because when dd gave me the baby and asked me to keep baby, dh kept on feeling threatened, well understandably I know that.

Social services tried to get him to sign baby over to me but he refused and blamed me for initiating that

Its long and complicated so I cant go too much into it as Im sure you understand.

We thought at the beginning it was post natal depression but they assessed her and said it is not, its BPD.

So the question is not really weather she keeps baby or not, its will her dh be able to cope or not, he is trying to give her boundaries, but she just wants to go to the pub with old friends.

Yesterday, we dropped baby back to him after he has done a long hard days work and she was not there, he said he had not heard from her and didnt know where she was.

Yet I get a very different picture from her. While we were dropping baby back dd had come to my house to see baby and her dh, she seemed bright and stable in mood.

That confused me a bit, but then I realise its because her dh is a bit insecure, and at moment its worse for him.

He knew she was like this when he first met her.

I dont think he can go it alone full time with the baby. We would have to give it a try, I could have baby in the day and he pick him up in the evenings maybe.

He has no other support. If you ask him are you ok, his answer is always "Im ok" Always, so hard to cope with that.

When crisis comes, he cant cope and feels he wants out.

Oh gosh, I wish I had recorded her saying she wants a baby and she is so happy she is having a baby, she wants to marry him hes done more for her than any of us have ever done, he is wonderful. Shes so happy now she is pregnant has a home and lovely dh, its the best thing ever. 

[Grey Kitty]

Hmm... . It sounds like DH isn't really up to the job of supporting a wife with BPD... . at least not in the ideal fashion we suggest in the lessons here on the Staying board, and doesn't sound like he is really working on himself in the way that can help so much.

Sorry to hear that... . it sounds like you are more-or-less on your own as the one trying to be a responsible party in this whole thing.   

Hang in there and do what you can! Are you willing to raise your granddaughter?

[heronbird]

I am more than willing to have GS, I have had him for 4 weeks most of the time and he gets 5 star gold treatment here haha. He so needs his mum and dad though, so sad if that happends

If I end up with him we will look after him to the full extent and give him everything, that he needs, extra love too as we have time all our children are older now, so we would do it well and just as I know my dd would really want it to be. It just breaks my heart to think of him being messed around :'( :'(. Id always want him to see his parents but it would be odd if dd does not recognise him as hers.

Do you know, is it the case that she could be being really really nice to us, and horrible to him right now.

She is so lovely to us, couldnt be nicer, but her dh speaks about her as if she is someone else and horrible to him. Although it seems to be changing every minute   

[Grey Kitty]

I've certainly seen enough of a pwBPD painting one person black and another person white.

I doubt either one will be permanent. All you can do is make the best of your time while you are painted white, and know that both states are sincerely believed, with almost no recognition of how inconsistent the two are!

 GK

[heronbird]

I am naive to this, its all new to me. Cant quite believe she would have said bad things about me to her dh, I bet he really believed her too.

She did have a little go at me recently, said she had wanted to tell me this for years, it was so trivial, she said I put 2 and 2 together and make 20 all the time. I took it personally, well, it was in a meeting and I was sleep deprived amongst all the worry as I could see she was in a crisis.

She said to me after that her dh was so proud of her telling me that. I was confused because I thought we had a good close relationship. I think I realised for the first time that she must have moaned about me to him.

Oh how I wished I laughed that off in the meeting, instead, I cried, so silly.

I should have said, is that the only bad thing I  have ever done, wow, not bad eh.

Hind sight, uh!