Can I be angry?

[mooandjacko]

Question... . When my husband gets angry, drinks or is abusive how should/could I react? 

I don’t want him to get away with it because its one of the areas which can come under BPD.  If I was in a relationship with a non-BPD I’d want to argue it out, ignore him for a while or shout/scream myself, but if I do this with my husband the chances are he’ll turn and hurt me or make it even bigger than it already is!

Am I allowed to get angry if he does something wrong or should I be ignoring it because its part of the disorder?

Thanks in advance

xxx

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wishfulthinking]

I'm actually wondering what answers you will get on this... . I have no advice at the moment, I just joined myself... . Good luck to us all.

[mooandjacko]

Its just so frustrating... . if anyone with out BPD treated me the way he does sometimes i wouldn't stand for it.  He's not supposed to drink because he's a nasty drunk (and he abides by this (when i'm there!)) but he came home the other day saying that he had a skin full the night before in the hotel he was staying.

He says he's sorry and he can't help it, but (and i know this sounds like i don't have any sympathy ( I really do)) it is sometimes hard to believe that a adult can not say NO to a drink!  I want to be angry but also i feel sorry for him.  I'm being pulled one way then the other!  grrrrr!

x

[figurethis]

Hey moo,

I think if your angry there is no problem with that your human, we get angry! Its about how you handle that anger thats the pivotal thing. From what I've seen with my uBPDgf acting out is typically giving her exactly what she wants. You could have been calm for the first 15 minutes of an argument trying to reason things out with them showing so much venom and attitude. But On the 16th minute you show some anger, BAM your the one with the attitude, you are the one who is always fighting and they are only mad because of what you did. They are looking for validation of their feelings through justification of their actions. If you deserve what they do to you, then they deserve to feel the way they do without judgement is what I feel they believe.

Its not about accepting what they do to you, that's where the boundaries come in. But acting out in anger is a loss of control and I feel thats something we are all trying to gain back a bit of.

[wishfulthinking]

I'm to the point where my only reaction is straight face, no emotion and YES/NO answers.  It has helped with the straight out screaming he was doing.  Since there is no grey areas for them, my answers are sometimes lies, though. 

The drinking can get out of control for mine, too... . and mine is a mean drunk.  He says hateful things to me just because he can and because he hates himself.  He's been better about that lately, but there is a certain friend he hasn't been hanging out with as often, either.

[mooandjacko]

Thanks figurethis.  Really good advise - i will try that.  So frustrating though trying to hold your own anger when they are calling you every name under the sun and purposely try to be horrid.  :)oesn't seem fair somehow!

Any advise on how to do things after an event has happened?  eg. not actually arguing about something (like my comment above), but i'm annoyed at him that he had a drink.  Should i curb the annoyance from that and not mention it or can I moan that he's been a bit of a let down?  :)rinking being an example!

Thanks again.  appreciate any help.

I love this board - its great :-)  i can see how i'll be spending my weekends!  there wont be any time for arguing becuase i'll be on the laptop!  

[mooandjacko]

Thanks lostinparadise.  same boat then! :-)  drinking turns him into my worse nightmare - argumentative, agressive, forgetting what hes done!  very frustrating

x

[musicfan42]

I have dealt with an alcoholic before and I found Al-Anon really helpful-it's a 12 step group for people affected by someone's drinking.

Usually the romantic partners of alcoholics take on the martyr/rescuing role so books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie may help you navigate this situation. The martyr/rescuing role is pretty much where the person tries to get their partner to stop drinking, enables them to keep drinking i.e. makes excuses for them, gives them money for alcohol etc etc, feels resentful at the alcoholic and thinks "if only they would change"... . I'm sure you get the idea.

One big thing I would say is don't use the alcoholism as an excuse for their bad behaviour. Don't assume that they'll automatically change once they're sobered as a lot of alcoholics can then just become "dry drunks"-that they're not drinking but still have the same behaviours. It's really the behaviours that's the big issue, not the drinking itself so don't forget that. There are alcoholics who've gone to AA and sobered up which is great however it has to be their choice to recover-you can't force it on them so nagging etc. won't work.

I would say pay attention to their actions and not their words-they can be very charming when they want something but look at whether they actually follow through on all their amazing promises... . alcoholics are notorious for making empty promises.

Do you have children mooandjacko? If so, I would advise you to keep them busy with school, extra-curricular activities etc so that they're not around their father's drinking as much.

I would advise you to separate your finances from your husband if at all possible. A lot of alcoholics can't manage their money. Have a budget and keep an eye on all expenses.

[briefcase]

 

It helps to start with a few basic ideas.  First, you have an absolute right to your emotions.  It's ok to feel however you feel.  There are better and worse ways to express those feelings (you can read the Lessons for some ideas).  At the same time, he is also entitled to his emotions.

You do not need to tolerate abuse - in fact, you shouldn't ever tolerate abuse (verbal or physical).  If he becomes abusive, you should take a time out and leave for a while until things calm down. 

I agree that al-anon would be a very good group for you to join.