H stole money from account, how to deal

[wishfulthinking]

I check the checking account today and there is $74 available.  This would be great EXCEPT the insurance check for $156 hasn't cleared, nor has the car payment of $167.  Considering we have been married a little over 2 months and it seems a switch flipped about 2 weeks after we said our vows and this... . impossible version of him has surfaced, I'm not well educated on how to handle this best.

I had a VERY good savings account when we first started dating.  He was out of work (partly because of depression and partly because of winter, he does construction) and so I helped support him and his 2 kids through almost 3 months of no work.  My savings is GONE.  I CAN'T come up with money anymore to cover his wrecklessness.  I'm not going to struggle financially because of his issues when it's not necessary.  He's withdrawn $120 and gone to walmart and the gas station for another $110 in 2 days!  When he's been getting paid from his current jobs, he gives me the money left but then always needs it back almost immediately because he's behind on things.  His vehicle will be repo'd soon as he hasn't made any payments in 3 months and when he does get money he spends it like running water, then can't pay his bills and has to have back what he "gives' me.


Please help me figure out how to confront him as I have been in trouble for being "selfish" and not "acting like I'm married" every day, not kidding there, for over a month and he hates me right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi lostinparadise

Good to see you here on the main board 

First of all, I'm sorry, this sounds really stressful.

Many of our members have found that they need to have separate accounts and the main responsibility for the money because their SO's inability to handle money. Do you think you could work out a plan with the members here to make that happen?

There's a way to talk about our needs and wants, and that's to use TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. It's a way to make sure we show sympathy and empathy before we state our truth. It's not a miracle cure, but it increases the chances of  our SO listening to us. Take a look at it, and if you decide to use this method to talk to your husband about money, feel free to write out your SET in a post to get feedback on it.

Hang in there!

[wishfulthinking]

Scarlet, you are amazing!  I appreciate your knowledge and helping to guide me.  I've been reading a lot whenever I can break away.  I can't use my phone around him or I'm accused of cheating and blah blah and he checks my phone and I don't want him to see this site as it will just explode on me when I can be here getting support and learning on the off times. 

NOW,  What I WANT to do is make him feel as crappy as he makes me feel on the daily anymore and punish him for taking the money, which I suspect he's used to find pills.  If I say anything negative, he will take it as a personal attack on the fact that he's not contributing to the household.  Then he will freak out on me for days.

I've tried using SET beginning yesterday and some things he normally would have sent me a 38 page text on, he didn't... . so I think it will work if I can master it.

How about:

Honey, I love you and I know you do the best you can for our family and things have been very stressful and difficult for you lately.  I understand you feel like it's coming from all directions, I would, too.  I noticed you used some extra money the past couple of days and wondered if you realized when I said we only had $102 left after bills, that's ALL we were going to have until I get paid next Wed.  We planned to use that for gas for my Dr appt and your haircut and of course food, but now, I can't pay either of the 2 bills coming through and we will have no food or gas till next week.  How should we handle this?

Would that be too much blame?  Should I ask his opinion on what to do now?  I need him to understand that I'm not made of money.  I'm BROKE and I have to pay ALL the bills right now for 5 people when before it was 2.  Utilities go up with extra people and food especially.  He has to have steak and high quality this and that, but I've always lived off of store brands and chicken to make ends meet.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm glad you're taking care to hide this site from your husband.

So, your SET! 

Support: should focus on "I", how we feel, and show support

Honey, I love you ... .

... . and I'm worried about the added stress for you lately

Empathy: should focus on "you", basically this is where we validate how our loved one is feeling:

I know (the word know can often trigger a "you don't know anything!"-response) It's clear you do the best you can for our family and things have been very stressful and difficult for you lately... . I understand you feel like it's coming from all directions, I would, too. and it must feel like it's coming from all directions (the word understand can often trigger a "no, you don't understand!"-response)

Truth: our truth or solution, keep it nutral

I noticed you used some extra money the past couple of days and wondered if you realized when I said we only had $102 left after bills, that's ALL we were going to have until I get paid next Wed.  We planned to use that for gas for my Dr appt and your haircut and of course food, but now, I can't pay either of the 2 bills coming through and we will have no food or gas till next week. (yes, a little heavy on the blame) We're short on money to pay our bills this month. How should we handle this? So that's why I will... . / This is what will happen... .

Practise it and tweek it a little so that it's your words.

[wishfulthinking]

OK, thank you Scarlett for fine tuning my SET... . the problem is... . I have NO solution on how to pay the other 2 bills... . they won't get paid.  I even reminded him on the phone I needed to go pay the insurance and he asked how much it was and I reminded him 156... . he didn't say anything about taking that money.  He said he would go with me to pay it... . hasn't told me yet he took too much.  I was waiting to say anything till I hopefully heard from someone here.  I don't know what to do... . I seriously at my wits end on this.  I have no idea... . none... .

Thanks to you both.  I'll try to sneak a post this weekend.  Have a great weekend.

[Suzn]

I'd love to discuss this topic with you further. If you would like to start your own thread we can do that. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

OK, thank you Scarlett for fine tuning my SET... . the problem is... . I have NO solution on how to pay the other 2 bills... . they won't get paid.  I even reminded him on the phone I needed to go pay the insurance and he asked how much it was and I reminded him 156... . he didn't say anything about taking that money.  He said he would go with me to pay it... . hasn't told me yet he took too much.  I was waiting to say anything till I hopefully heard from someone here.  I don't know what to do... . I seriously at my wits end on this.  I have no idea... . none... .

Thanks to you both.  I'll try to sneak a post this weekend.  Have a great weekend.

I feel for you, this must be very stressful. Is there any way you could call the insurance and ask for a delay?

Then in your truth-part of your SET you could bring that up. "That means that we'll have to call the insurance company and ask for a delay, I can do that. And I will also set up a special bill-paying-account so that we won't have to worry about this in the future. I don't mind taking care of that and keeping an eye on the bills-account.

He might be more or less fine with this, or he might not like it at all. No way of knowing. So just believe in yourself, you know in your heart that what you're doing is the best thing your you both. Listen and validate/be interested in his concerns (his feelings behind what he's saying) if he stays calm. If he gets mean, then cut the conversation short and walk away.

It's hard at first, but it'll get easier!