I love her lots but hate the rollercoaster of rage :(

[TriggerMortis]

Hi everyone. Been reading informative posts here. My wife hasn't been formally diagnosed with BPD but she started to bring it up with her therapist, at my behest. Suspected she might have it for a long time but her rages have gotten worse and more frequent. Long story short, she had an unstable childhood and lots of relationships that failed since — ours is the most successful one she's been in, and longest at nearing 7 years.

She's going on vacation without me for a week. Yesterday she wanted to go over watering her plants with me. She tends a really beautiful garden which I enjoy but I don't tend to it. I wanted to record short video clips on my iPad so I don't miss out on what she's doing. I'm a visual learner. Her voice started getting tense, so I compromised and let her know I would just write it down. I asked her some questions for clarity because I wanted to make sure I do it right. Her voice got more tense, and then she started peppering her speech with various insults.

I basically told her I don't like how she's treating me, and I went inside to take a breather. She tried to corner me on the couch and continued to berate me, mocking me with words like "Princess" and becoming increasingly wound-up and cruel. The rollercoaster of rage was in full ascent, and everytime this happens, I wish there was something I could do to stop it, but I've learned that it's up to her to control it — although I can certainly control my own reactions.

As she became madder, she accused me of never paying attention to her and being "disinterested" in her hobbies. I told her I agreed we have separate hobbies, but the reason why I wanted to take good care of her plants. She moped over why she didn't hire someone else, and mentioned she felt pissed off that I was Facebook-sharing garden pics without giving her due credit, implying I was reaping Likes. The exact way she phrases it: "You don't seem to notice or pay attention to what I do, just the result to show off for others." In these moments, she feels like I hide her from the world and don't care.

When I told her "Please, you don't have to do be like this" she replies sarcastically that I'm "reminding her of her place" and mocks submissive behavior. She goes on to say how stupid she feels, what a "dumb hit" she is. This is a pretty typical pattern, and it makes me scared to ask questions in order to clarify things I have missed (which I think is a normal and healthy thing to do). It gives me such a distorted perspective.

Then, she typically goes to her work studio to calm down by herself. She may drink several glasses of wine until she gets tipsy or passes out. Sometimes there's hot sex involved afterwards where she uses the same raunchy terms that were previously shameful in a proud context, we go to sleep, and it's the next day. I'm concerned she may have a drinking problem, although she assures me otherwise and she isn't drunk most of the time. It's just that I'm concerned she makes some poor decisions while drinking.

I don't wish to unproductively vent and she does so many wonderful things when she's not like this. It's just the repeated shock of walking on eggshells that is wearing me down.

I'd appreciate any thoughts and insights on how I can better handle these cycles?

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[Wrongturn1]

Sounds like you're on the right track with taking a time out when she starts to verbally attack you.  Staying consistent with that strategy is likely to help quite a bit.

The behavior you describe sounds like "normal" BPD patterns.  It is a positive that your W has a hobby (gardening) - it seems that many people with BPD have no actual hobbies (maybe the lack of identity).  Having a hobby gives her something productive to focus on instead of inventing drama in her spare time.

The drinking sounds like BPD "compulsive" drinking where they drink to ease emotional pain or escape shame, which I see as differentiated from an addiction where the addict craves that next drink and may feel temporarily happy while they're having it.  (This is just my own personal hypothesis; others may strongly disagree.)

Enjoy the week with your wife on vacation... . good luck watering those plants!

[TriggerMortis]

I appreciate your reassurance, Wrongturn. I think some distance will help us gain perspective, we are normally so close physically and spend so much time together. My uBPDw does have a number of healthy hobbies that keep her busy, but she does stress the importance of having her space and finding her own identity. I think what frustrates her is time management, like not getting part of an art project done on time. She doesn't like me to remind her about this (and I really don't want to be an unhelpful nag) so I stay off her back.

We'll see how the week goes.

[Blade99d]

Reading stories like this just confirms my thoughts about my exgf. She told me early on in our relationship, dont ever call me a bi... t, call me a cu.t.  In a stupid moment, hammered drunk, i lost control and called her a cu.t.  She went ballistic and threatened to call 911.  She was also very graphic in bed, to the point that it wasn't love making, it was plain and simple just for her pleasure. 

[badknees]

I hear what your saying buddy. An episode can start innocently enough with my wife having a bad experience, she hears a song connected to happier days or she sees the house is dirty. It excelerates pretty fast doesn't it and wham before you know it your in the whirlwind. You try to calm her down but that makes the rage worse. All logic fails, all one's clever thinking means nothing. Plans you had for the night or the weekend are destroyed. You get blamed for stuff and are called names(that's what happens to me). I listen and listen and try not to defend myself because that makes it worse. No "rules for debate" apply here. She eventually goes gambling or goes to the bedroom, locks the door and cut herself. In that locked room she is alone, raging and  afraid, I can't even comfort her cause I am the enemy. I can only pray  for her as I sit in shock in a dark kitchen asking God to be with her. I am numb, I used to cry but just started feeling numb confused not knowinng what to do next. I got some advice in a message from one of the beautiful people on this message board.  "Carry on as if all was normal". What! I thought, I am frayed, tired, frustrated, and as you said worn down in shock. But the advice was right... . I did some laundry and went to bed and carried on Normal. This thought  gave me a sense of purpose, some small accomplishment, and a degree of hope, small but enough to get through a few hours when, in the chaos, got me to the morning, which was all I needed. I hope this helps, my turn could be tonight.