At a loss for what to do about my SIL

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm not sure where to start... .I'm at a loss for what to do and so I've been searching for somewhere to get some support from people who maybe have some insight into the situation or have some experience/advice to give. I'll try to keep this as short as possible since it's just an intro post. Here goes:

I first met the woman who was to become my sister in law (SIL) when we were both teenagers. We became very close very fast, but I quickly became aware that she would react very badly if things didn't go her way. Even the smallest perceived slights would result in a major catastrophe. I started to feel I had to sneak around if I wanted to spend time with any other friends because she would become very angry and emotionally abusive. She is manipulative and extremely passive aggressive, as well as self centred and emotionally unstable. She becomes emotionally abusive when upset and also selectively 'forgets' many events that occurred, despite numerous other witnesses (she will outright deny that these things happened, including denying an entire sexual relationship she was in for months). After a time most of our close friends decided that they couldn't be around her anymore as a result of these issues. Eventually I also came to the same conclusion and likewise cut off contact. Unfortunately, by this time she had met my younger brother. A number of factors that I won't get into right here make me believe that she pursued my brother as a way of getting to me, as she was somewhat obsessive over me and our relationship (including pushing for a sexual component to the relationship). At one point she outright told me that he was me, except the male version. I have always found this very concerning.

There are so, so many things that have happened between then and now, but let me fast forward to the present day. My brother has married her and they have children. She seems to have gotten even worse as time has gone on, especially as my brother at this point 100% enables her. He once called our aunt crying because she had flown off the handle and threatened to leave him and take the kids  and never let him see them again. My brother lives in fear of losing his children (this is not a rational fear, but it's terrifying to him due to issues from our childhood). What set her off? He had bought her a spa package for her birthday. By doing so he had ruined her life. I know that sounds insane and like there is something more to the story, but I swear that was it. The drama surrounding that birthday is still, years later, unbelievable to me. It's relevant to my current situation so I'll expand a little bit; it was a milestone birthday for her so my brother planned a surprise party. Her actual birthday fell on a weekday though, so he had to plan the party for the weekend and buy her a gift to give her on the day so she wouldn't suspect anything (the aforementioned spa package). He rented a hall for this party and went all out. So her birthday rolls around and he gives her the gift, she freaks out. Fighting, crying, threatening. I still have no idea why this triggered her, but I do know that my brother called me in a panic while I was waiting for a plane halfway around the world because things were so bad. She was also extremely angry that I had only texted her and sent her a facebook message instead of calling, even though I said I would call as soon as I could but I could not make an international call from my cell phone (this was before skype). This was deemed by her "the worst birthday ever;" everyone was terrible and nobody cared about her. Ok. Ever since then my whole family has gone into panic mode the week before her birthday, constantly reminding each other to call her on the day. She receives these phone calls every year but she never, ever answers the phone or returns the calls. She just wants to get them.

Moving on to now - it was my birthday a few months ago and I didn't hear from either her or my brother all day. I sent a text to my brother before I went to bed as I was quite hurt that neither of them could be bothered to call or even text to say happy birthday (there are a lot of contributing factors here and other things that have happened, but I'm trying to keep it short). I was extremely polite and respectful, all I said was that I was hurt and I would have appreciated a message. Both of them flew off the handle and sent angry messages back, basically saying that they "refuse to apologize" for being too busy to contact me on my birthday. SIL made a passive aggressive comment about how I don't understand and she's "sorry that I never will" because I don't have children. She knows that I had a miscarriage last year and was told I can never have children, so this was definitely a low blow.

My brother's reaction was even more concerning, as he wholesale invented events that did not happen. I am unsure if he's legitimately delusional or if he's picking up this tendency from her. I know their living situation is extremely strained because I see it every time I see them, and I also know he is exhausted and overworked from being the only breadwinner as well as taking care of the children and the household chores. She will not do anything at all on her own, including running errands while he is at work, or even cooking or cleaning (he does the cooking before he leaves and prepares her food for the day as well as food for the children, and they have a maid for cleaning). She does not do childcare either as she is "too tired" from waiting for him to get home; he has to get the kids up before he leaves for work. She has told me this from her own mouth, and has said that she is basically "a single parent" because he works long hours and has a long commute because she insisted that they buy a house very far away from the city.

My brother sent a half-hearted apology the next day, which I accepted because I love him, but I have not heard from either of them since. This was about 4 months ago. A few days ago she deleted, and then blocked, me from facebook (when I noticed she deleted me I went to send a message and she saw me typing and blocked me). I sent a text to ask her why she has done this, but I received no reply. I have absolutely no idea what could have set her off as I haven't spoken to either of them since my birthday. I am heartbroken as I feel like my relationship with my brother is also broken and I will not be able to see my nieces and nephews. They have both been avoiding any attempt at communication from anyone in our family and nobody knows why.

For years now it's become apparent to all of us that my brother is adopting many of her issues, in particular the selfishness and persecution complex. The refrain is always that we don't care about them or do anything for them, but I have no idea how to answer those charges because they are demonstrably not true. Evidence doesn't seem to have any impact on their thinking though, so I have no idea where to go. I feel as though everything I do is wrong, an everything I don't do is wrong. I just can't win because the playing field is completely undefined. Nothing makes sense, you can't reason with anyone, it's just completely topsy-turvy. It's like they live in their own reality, completely divorced from everyone and everything else. I worry about my nieces and nephews growing up in this environment, and I worry about my brother because I strongly feel that he is in an abusive relationship. I'm also just very hurt and grieving the loss of my brother and his children. I've been losing a lot of sleep over this and I would really appreciate some help or support from someone who can maybe understand what this means.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. I'm sorry this is so disjointed, it's hard to sort through 15+ years of backstory and tease out the relevant parts. Again, thanks for reading!

[pandapopolous]

I'm not sure where to start... .I'm at a loss for what to do and so I've been searching for somewhere to get some support from people who maybe have some insight into the situation or have some experience/advice to give. I'll try to keep this as short as possible since it's just an intro post. Here goes:

I first met the woman who was to become my sister in law (SIL) when we were both teenagers. We became very close very fast, but I quickly became aware that she would react very badly if things didn't go her way. Even the smallest perceived slights would result in a major catastrophe. I started to feel I had to sneak around if I wanted to spend time with any other friends because she would become very angry and emotionally abusive. She is manipulative and extremely passive aggressive, as well as self centred and emotionally unstable. She becomes emotionally abusive when upset and also selectively 'forgets' many events that occurred, despite numerous other witnesses (she will outright deny that these things happened, including denying an entire sexual relationship she was in for months). After a time most of our close friends decided that they couldn't be around her anymore as a result of these issues. Eventually I also came to the same conclusion and likewise cut off contact. Unfortunately, by this time she had met my younger brother. A number of factors that I won't get into right here make me believe that she pursued my brother as a way of getting to me, as she was somewhat obsessive over me and our relationship (including pushing for a sexual component to the relationship). At one point she outright told me that he was me, except the male version. I have always found this very concerning.

There are so, so many things that have happened between then and now, but let me fast forward to the present day. My brother has married her and they have children. She seems to have gotten even worse as time has gone on, especially as my brother at this point 100% enables her. He once called our aunt crying because she had flown off the handle and threatened to leave him and take the kids  and never let him see them again. My brother lives in fear of losing his children (this is not a rational fear, but it's terrifying to him due to issues from our childhood). What set her off? He had bought her a spa package for her birthday. By doing so he had ruined her life. I know that sounds insane and like there is something more to the story, but I swear that was it. The drama surrounding that birthday is still, years later, unbelievable to me. It's relevant to my current situation so I'll expand a little bit; it was a milestone birthday for her so my brother planned a surprise party. Her actual birthday fell on a weekday though, so he had to plan the party for the weekend and buy her a gift to give her on the day so she wouldn't suspect anything (the aforementioned spa package). He rented a hall for this party and went all out. So her birthday rolls around and he gives her the gift, she freaks out. Fighting, crying, threatening. I still have no idea why this triggered her, but I do know that my brother called me in a panic while I was waiting for a plane halfway around the world because things were so bad. She was also extremely angry that I had only texted her and sent her a facebook message instead of calling, even though I said I would call as soon as I could but I could not make an international call from my cell phone (this was before skype). This was deemed by her "the worst birthday ever;" everyone was terrible and nobody cared about her. Ok. Ever since then my whole family has gone into panic mode the week before her birthday, constantly reminding each other to call her on the day. She receives these phone calls every year but she never, ever answers the phone or returns the calls. She just wants to get them.

Moving on to now - it was my birthday a few months ago and I didn't hear from either her or my brother all day. I sent a text to my brother before I went to bed as I was quite hurt that neither of them could be bothered to call or even text to say happy birthday (there are a lot of contributing factors here and other things that have happened, but I'm trying to keep it short). I was extremely polite and respectful, all I said was that I was hurt and I would have appreciated a message. Both of them flew off the handle and sent angry messages back, basically saying that they "refuse to apologize" for being too busy to contact me on my birthday. SIL made a passive aggressive comment about how I don't understand and she's "sorry that I never will" because I don't have children. She knows that I had a miscarriage last year and was told I can never have children, so this was definitely a low blow.

My brother's reaction was even more concerning, as he wholesale invented events that did not happen. I am unsure if he's legitimately delusional or if he's picking up this tendency from her. I know their living situation is extremely strained because I see it every time I see them, and I also know he is exhausted and overworked from being the only breadwinner as well as taking care of the children and the household chores. She will not do anything at all on her own, including running errands while he is at work, or even cooking or cleaning (he does the cooking before he leaves and prepares her food for the day as well as food for the children, and they have a maid for cleaning). She does not do childcare either as she is "too tired" from waiting for him to get home; he has to get the kids up before he leaves for work. She has told me this from her own mouth, and has said that she is basically "a single parent" because he works long hours and has a long commute because she insisted that they buy a house very far away from the city.

My brother sent a half-hearted apology the next day, which I accepted because I love him, but I have not heard from either of them since. This was about 4 months ago. A few days ago she deleted, and then blocked, me from facebook (when I noticed she deleted me I went to send a message and she saw me typing and blocked me). I sent a text to ask her why she has done this, but I received no reply. I have absolutely no idea what could have set her off as I haven't spoken to either of them since my birthday. I am heartbroken as I feel like my relationship with my brother is also broken and I will not be able to see my nieces and nephews. They have both been avoiding any attempt at communication from anyone in our family and nobody knows why.

For years now it's become apparent to all of us that my brother is adopting many of her issues, in particular the selfishness and persecution complex. The refrain is always that we don't care about them or do anything for them, but I have no idea how to answer those charges because they are demonstrably not true. Evidence doesn't seem to have any impact on their thinking though, so I have no idea where to go. I feel as though everything I do is wrong, an everything I don't do is wrong. I just can't win because the playing field is completely undefined. Nothing makes sense, you can't reason with anyone, it's just completely topsy-turvy. It's like they live in their own reality, completely divorced from everyone and everything else. I worry about my nieces and nephews growing up in this environment, and I worry about my brother because I strongly feel that he is in an abusive relationship. I'm also just very hurt and grieving the loss of my brother and his children. I've been losing a lot of sleep over this and I would really appreciate some help or support from someone who can maybe understand what this means.

If you got this far, thank you for reading. I'm sorry this is so disjointed, it's hard to sort through 15+ years of backstory and tease out the relevant parts. Again, thanks for reading!

[Panda39]

Hi pandapopolous,

Welcome to the BPD Family    You must be my long lost Greek cousin I'm Panda39 

I'm glad you've found us and decided to post your story.  Has your SIL been diagnosed with BPD or are you like me and the shoe fits?

None of us here can diagnose anyone but she appears to display a lot of the behaviors.  How much do you know about BPD?  I know when I discovered it I hit the library with a vengeance and read everything I could and found that really helped me sort through the chaos and behaviors of my significant other's (SO) undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

Two book that I thought were particularly good are... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

and

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information you might want to check out the "Lessons" section.

I'm on a short break at work so have to run, but just know that you are not alone everyone here "gets it" we all has someone in our lives that exhibit similar behaviors to those of your SIL.  I know other members will be along soon to add their comments, suggestions, support and welcomes too.

Take Care,
Panda39

[HelenaHandbasket]

I'm also here because of my SIL, and although the specifics of my situation are different (my brother--so far--doesn't seem to have absorbed any of my SIL's borderline traits) I can 100% relate to feeling heartbroken and worried and unsure how to help. The part about your SIL not doing anything and your brother being the primary breadwinner and childcare provider TOTALLY resonated with me, as this is my brother's situation as well.  They have a small son and my SIL uses him as an excuse to stay home instead of finishing her college degree or getting a job (heaven forbid), despite the fact that most of the time his grandparents watch him and she just sits around drinking glass after glass of wine and playing on the computer. Meanwhile my brother works long, stressful hours at his job and takes care of his son and tries not to fall apart. It's so unfair.

So maybe we can support each other!  Send me a shout out if you ever need to talk. 

[Faith2014]

I'm so sorry to hear about this

Your brother's situation sounds like a cross between Stockholm Syndrome and getting infected with the crazy since he's around it so much.

Are you able to physically visit with them?  Or are you too far?

[pandapopolous]

Thank you so much for the replies! I am still trying to figure this board out, so please forgive me if I'm not doing this correctly. I'm not sure if there is a way to reply to people individually, if there is I couldn't find it.

I realized after I posted that I didn't specify about BPD. Duh! She is undiagnosed, but she has never seen a mental health professional (she has refused in the past) so it's impossible for her to be diagnosed with anything. It's definitely an "if the shoe fits" scenario - I knew something was deeply wrong and just not normal about her behaviour but I never knew what it was. I am active on a number of support boards on another site and personality disorders come up a lot. As a result I started reading a lot about narcissism and eventually came across BPD. That's when I had the "aha!" moment. Pretty much everything just fits for her. Her mother is 100% a narcissist and she had a somewhat abusive childhood, so I think those may also be contributing factors.

Thank you for the book suggestions! I ordered 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' today after I posted this, so hopefully it comes soon I will definitely check out the other one as well!

I am unfortunately unable to visit as we don't live close to each other. She insisted that they buy a house in the middle of nowhere even though it means that my brother has a long (and dangerous in the winter) commute, so they are physically isolated from pretty much everyone. I actually have gift for the kids sitting in my living room since January because I haven't been able to get in touch with them. I haven't seen them since Christmas (which is a whole other story). This is partially why I'm so confused about the sudden weirdness and blocking on facebook - what have I done to them/her? I haven't seen or spoken to her in months!

Thanks again for the replies, it feels so good to actually talk about this. I mentioned to my aunt that I think she has BPD and my aunt just dismissed it, saying that people with BPD can't maintain relationships or function in society at all. I think she thinks that they're completely non-functional, as in locked up or something. That's not the case, but she won't listen to me.

[Panda39]

This is partially why I'm so confused about the sudden weirdness and blocking on facebook - what have I done to them/her? I haven't seen or spoken to her in months!

People with BPD do a lot of black and white thinking it's impossible for your SIL to be mad at you for something and still love you... .it's "either" "or" but not both. It sounds like she is splitting and you have been split black (hates you) for the time being, just like in the past you were split white (loves you).

Splitting

Splitting refers to a primitive defense mechanism characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. We often talk of being painted black or painted white by our pwBPD.

Below is a link to more on splitting... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

Panda39