Being called an abuser - Has that ever happened to you?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

so tell us a bit more about the exchange with your therapist. does she give any reason why she thinks what she thinks? does she give anything to compare it to? and what do you think?

So my therapist asked me if it was my intent to hurt. I said "no" obviously. It is kinda of a cultural thing to sometimes comment on people for me and it is hard habit to break. Every time my ex told me that it hurt when I made a certain comment, I would defend myself sure but I always put the effort to stop commenting on whatever she complained about.

 The therapist first said that the word abuse shouldn't be use lightly as such. That I was harsh and hurt my ex but it doesn't classify as abuse because I didn't berate her and tell her to change her hair or anything as such.

One thing that is very confusing to me is that my ex wanted no comments on her body and hair, it was a boundary and I should have taken that seriously but she commented on my body and hair too so I always forgot about the boundary and thought that it was ok to say certain things. She has herself told me my hair is childish or looks like Justin Bieber before as jokes. Sometimes she adds "it's cute" at the end of her sentence. Or when she disliked that I put wax in my hair because she would always get it on her hand while she ran her hands in my hair.

Another exchange I had with my ex is she sent me an edited photo of her with blue eyes (she has brown eyes) and asked me if I would still date her like this. I was at work and thought you know, this is a joke and I said "probably not" and told her that it made her look cold and mean. She went with it and then afterwards started a fight, I got defensive again because she doesn't have blue eyes, it's a fight over something that is not real.

We have had this exchange before at the start of our relationship where again she sent me a photo of her with blue eyes. Again, I told her it made her look coldish. She called me a 'hater', I said 'i love your brown eyes so much'. My therapist recons that she creates traps out of nowhere.

[Sky07]

so tell us a bit more about the exchange with your therapist. does she give any reason why she thinks what she thinks? does she give anything to compare it to? and what do you think?

So my therapist asked me if it was my intent to hurt. I said "no" obviously. It is kinda of a cultural thing to sometimes comment on people for me and it is hard habit to break. Every time my ex told me that it hurt when I made a certain comment, I would defend myself sure but I always put the effort to stop commenting on whatever she complained about.

 The therapist first said that the word abuse shouldn't be use lightly as such. That I was harsh and hurt my ex but it doesn't classify as abuse because I didn't berate her and tell her to change her hair or anything as such.

One thing that is very confusing to me is that my ex wanted no comments on her body and hair, it was a boundary and I should have taken that seriously but she commented on my body and hair too so I always forgot about the boundary and thought that it was ok to say certain things. She has herself told me my hair is childish or looks like Justin Bieber before as jokes. Sometimes she adds "it's cute" at the end of her sentence. Or when she disliked that I put wax in my hair because she would always get it on her hand while she ran her hands in my hair.

Another exchange I had with my ex is she sent me an edited photo of her with blue eyes (she has brown eyes) and asked me if I would still date her like this. I was at work and thought you know, this is a joke and I said "probably not" and told her that it made her look cold and mean. She went with it and then afterwards started a fight, I got defensive again because she doesn't have blue eyes, it's a fight over something that is not real.

We have had this exchange before at the start of our relationship where again she sent me a photo of her with blue eyes. Again, I told her it made her look coldish. She called me a 'hater', I said 'i love your brown eyes so much'. My therapist recons that she creates traps out of nowhere.

[once removed]

The therapist first said that the word abuse shouldn't be use lightly as such.

i agree with your therapist about that.

i think maybe the more important question here is whether your behavior conflicted with your own values, and if so, what would you do differently next time?

[Sky07]

i agree with your therapist about that.

i think maybe the more important question here is whether your behavior conflicted with your own values, and if so, what would you do differently next time?

I can see parts where I have been controlling. I can also see part where I haven't communicated in a healthy way, throwing a pity party at myself which can be seen as a guilt trip. Getting angry at them, pushing their boundaries. I feel ashamed and wish I had better communication skills. I feel guilty for hurting them, how do you ever heal from that?

At the same time, I feel like all the push/pull, dissociation, constant arguments, not caring for my emotions and needs was abusive too. I feel confused and lost.

[once removed]

I feel guilty for hurting them, how do you ever heal from that?

the short answer, i think, is to see it, take responsibility for it, learn from it, and change it.

wish I had better communication skills.

youre in luck Sky07! have you looked through the communication tools here? weve got a slew of them. the best part is that they work with everyone. i use them all the time. its made a huge difference in my relationships of all kinds.