'We just weren't right for each other' and other stories of denial

[parisian]

So I've had some limited contact and a few catchups with my exBPDgf.

The last catchup was frighteningly scary, for about 250th of a millisecond - it was the most 'normal' she's been in 12 months, but I was not tricked however. I just figured because she's not in a relationship at the moment, there's nothing to dysregulate about.

We've text a few times, and she has repetitively stated 'I didn't do anything bad or wrong', (meaning whilst she was in the relationship) in very child-like language, so I responded wanting to clear a few things up. Interestingly, she describes our breakup simply as 'we weren't right for each other'. I said that I had sent her an email talking about her behaviour that was upsetting for me, and that is why I called things off. She clearly wishes to take no responsibility for her behaviour, and nor do I expect her to, it's just interesting how she is denying things.

If she generalises and puts the relationship in that non-specific way (we weren't right), she doesn't have to take any responsibility or address her issues. I suspect this is what she is telling people what happened rather than actually explain the truth. So, if someone says 'we weren't right for each other', it's important to understand why. In our case, we weren't right for each other because she had BPD and raged at me, had no empathy, was constantly critical, and so on. You all know the drill. I wasn't right for her because I couldn't put up with or accept that behaviour.

[Trog]

Exactly, you are right for them as long as you continue to have weak boundaries and expect nothing but inequality, the minute you look for some reciprocity in the love and care, an equal road, you're clearly not right for her. In that summation, she/they are right, they want a dogs body who they can treat as they like, the minute you have needs and ask them to address them... .*poof*, you weren't right for her anyway. Nice isn't it?

[hope2727]

Exactly, you are right for them as long as you continue to have weak boundaries and expect nothing but inequality, the minute you look for some reciprocity in the love and care, an equal road, you're clearly not right for her. In that summation, she/they are right, they want a dogs body who they can treat as they like, the minute you have needs and ask them to address them... .*poof*, you weren't right for her anyway. Nice isn't it?

this helped me today thanks

[Indyan]

Exactly, you are right for them as long as you continue to have weak boundaries and expect nothing but inequality, the minute you look for some reciprocity in the love and care, an equal road, you're clearly not right for her. In that summation, she/they are right, they want a dogs body who they can treat as they like, the minute you have needs and ask them to address them... .*poof*, you weren't right for her anyway. Nice isn't it?

Amen.

Yes, "mine" also says we weren't right, when he used to swear the opposite.

It's sad, really sad.

[BorisAcusio]

Exactly, you are right for them as long as you continue to have weak boundaries and expect nothing but inequality, the minute you look for some reciprocity in the love and care, an equal road, you're clearly not right for her. In that summation, she/they are right, they want a dogs body who they can treat as they like, the minute you have needs and ask them to address them... .*poof*, you weren't right for her anyway. Nice isn't it?

Amen.

Yes, "mine" also says we weren't right, when he used to swear the opposite.

It's sad, really sad.

Pretty much correct. After I could no longer continue with lopsided dance, stressed that she must take my needs and emotions into consideration, she immidiately fabricated a drama and forced me to break up with her, raging and devaluing, two days later simply described it as "we weren't right for each other".

Earlier that week, she just confessed undying love and her dedication to the "relationship" even if things were to go down south. Our first serious break up happened with same choreography. Confessing soul mate bond, few weeks later, telling me things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy.

[downwhim]

It is an easy way out for them.

[Indyan]

The worst part of all this is that almost everyone (his family, mine) has been repeating that sht for months now : your r/s was crap (more or less).

When I know/thought (I don't know anymore) it was great, intense and sincere.

I seriously doubt true love exists.

[eyvindr]

Hi Indyan,

It's easy to feel that way -- and normal, too, for anyone going through this.

I seriously doubt true love exists.

But you know that's not true. You'll get past it. Keep working on yourself, and focusing on what you want out of life.

I agree that some pwBPD -- or any manner of personality disorder -- will say "we're not right for each other" as an easy way out of a r-ship. In fact, I'm not surprised that it's so common, b/c pwBPD so often take their cues (inappropriately, mostly) from other play books -- and a simple internet search on "how to end a r-ship" will yield lots of advice that suggests this approach, because it avoids drawing out the "we have to break up" conversation, as well as the blaming that can happen in those types of discussions.

And, to be honest, sometimes it is a completely appropriate thing to tell a partner that you've realized you aren't compatible with, long-term. It's not always an excuse. I guess some people find it hard to be on the receiving end of this -- but I'd much rather hear this than the 30,000 hateful words that my uBPDxgf spent months drowning me in -- and I was the one who left her! Bet if the tables had been turned, she'd've been a lot more amenable to the short and sweet approach.

[raisins3142]

I detailed for mine exactly what she did to erode my trust and hurt me.  She came back with things like "sorry you couldn't handle my scars."

Where I screwed up is that I also pointed out corollaries to her that I did not like, but are more a matter of taste (she had a ton of tattoos, piercings, drank too much, and cussed like a sailor... .for instance).  And although I was never really attracted to that "bad girl" image, it was a matter of taste.  But it fit in with her general personality.  She was the type of woman that the stereotypes regarding "bad girls" are generated from and others suffer from.  Just like not everyone in a motorcycle gang is a criminal, but when you meet a criminal that is in a motorcycle gang, then the two pieces link up and those types are WHY people are sometimes afraid of motorcycle gang members.

So, that shot my credibility somewhat.  I was backing out the door and decided to fire a few more shots just because of my anger.

My other screw up was that I began to drink more than I should during the relationship.  When she and I were out and drinking is when she had the biggest chance to embarrass me and act inappropriately toward other men.  So, she blames it on alcohol making me jealous instead of alcohol being served in social environments and also disinhibiting her behaviors.  Also, a few times I drank without her, and my ability to control my anger over what she was doing would be diminished and I would send her an angry text about all the lies I caught her in that week.  Face to face, I would be more calm.  So, I'm sure she is blaming this on my inability to control myself while drinking.  When I drank much less prior to meeting her, and I still, when sober as a judge, feel the same way that I did when drinking... but I would just handle the presentation a bit better.

If she acknowledged that she was the one that actually killed the relationship, then I think she would likely burst into flames.

[cosmonaut]

Pretty much correct. After I could no longer continue with lopsided dance, stressed that she must take my needs and emotions into consideration, she immidiately fabricated a drama and forced me to break up with her, raging and devaluing, two days later simply described it as "we weren't right for each other".

Earlier that week, she just confessed undying love and her dedication to the "relationship" even if things were to go down south. Our first serious break up happened with same choreography. Confessing soul mate bond, few weeks later, telling me things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy.

I had a similar experience.  After months of her silent treatments - that sometimes would like up to 2 weeks at a time - I finally insisted that we had to talk about things.  I didn't know anything about BPD at the time, and my patience was just plain exhausted.  We did end up having a really deep talk about things and she told me over and over that the last thing she wanted was to break up and she's sorry she can't love me like I deserve.  I thought things would be better after that - thought we had really turned a corner.  It wasn't long after that she ended things.  Pretty much out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since.  She literally text me that she loved me just a few hours before calling to tell me she wanted to break up.

It really is profoundly disordered thinking and they want completely irreconcilable things.

[Tim300]

So, if someone says 'we weren't right for each other', it's important to understand why. In our case, we weren't right for each other because she had BPD

Thanks for this post.  I agree with you 100%.  These BPD breakups are not "we're just not right for each other" breakups.  One of the partners is suffering from a severe mental illness that directly thwarts normal attachment. 

At least, we, as nons, get some closure in reading up on BPD and understanding that we were dealing with a mentally ill person and that this is why it didn't work out.  It seems like for the pwBPD it might be a little more difficult to understand why things just aren't working.  Furthermore, we as nons have the benefit of knowing that one day we might have a normal relationship.

[Gonzalo]

Mine posted a comment on a site we both frequent about how she had to leave a relationship because there was no room for her feelings in it (obviously ours to me, but other people would conclude it's just some past history). The comment made me furious until I really got the idea of projection, and realized that the actual phrasing was true. What she literally said was "There wasn't room enough in the relationship for both of our emotions... ." which is true, just backwards from the way she wants to believe it is. There wasn't room for me to do anything but emotionally caretake her all the time, and I was killing myself doing that.

[Technique]

When I first met my ex she had been out of a short term relationship for a few months. I was always happy to discuss anything with her including past relationships. I asked her why she believed the relationship didn't work out. She replied, I discovered that... "We were very different people... ."

Her only significant relationship (time wise) was for a couple of years  . I also asked her about that. After a short summary of the relationship she said "After around a year and a half I discovered that... .We were very different people"

In between these discussions and her bombing of the love variety, she told me in no uncertain terms that "I was the best thing to happen to her... " and had waited all her life for someone like (lucky old) me...

Of course once my guard was totally down, together with my value to her, matters started to change...

I called it a day, and was quickly replaced... A few weeks later we had to speak on the phone about something. She was distant when I called... but I did have a giggle with the last thing she ever said to me...

"You and I... .are very different people... ." 

[mitchell16]

mine used to use that line all the time " we just arent compatible" or she would say " its just bad timing in our life to make it work" and my all time favorite was " we both did wrong MItchell its noones fault" I always thought that was her way of sprending the blame so she wouldnt have to take any repsonsiblity for her actions. It wasnt me the lied, cheated, go fall down drunk, raged, selfish etc...

But all these line usualy came after I caught her in some of her lies or called her out on other bad behaviors.

[paperlung]

"I just can't relate to you."

Heard that one a million times.

[christin5433]

So I've had some limited contact and a few catchups with my exBPDgf.

The last catchup was frighteningly scary, for about 250th of a millisecond - it was the most 'normal' she's been in 12 months, but I was not tricked however. I just figured because she's not in a relationship at the moment, there's nothing to dysregulate about.

We've text a few times, and she has repetitively stated 'I didn't do anything bad or wrong', (meaning whilst she was in the relationship) in very child-like language, so I responded wanting to clear a few things up. Interestingly, she describes our breakup simply as 'we weren't right for each other'. I said that I had sent her an email talking about her behaviour that was upsetting for me, and that is why I called things off. She clearly wishes to take no responsibility for her behaviour, and nor do I expect her to, it's just interesting how she is denying things.

If she generalises and puts the relationship in that non-specific way (we weren't right), she doesn't have to take any responsibility or address her issues. I suspect this is what she is telling people what happened rather than actually explain the truth. So, if someone says 'we weren't right for each other', it's important to understand why. In our case, we weren't right for each other because she had BPD and raged at me, had no empathy, was constantly critical, and so on. You all know the drill. I wasn't right for her because I couldn't put up with or accept that behaviour.

Hmmm good to read . I know there will be a day she will tell me that same thing she said it at times when we'd fight I'd just ignore her because that was her way also of not taking any accountability for raging , no win conflicts , tantrums , threats , verbal abuse , some physical interactions ... You know. I guess pwBPD seems to be too painful to look at themselves or thier emotional maturity is that of a child? Mine always looked pretty confident when shed say it. No emotion just say it and look at me. I was more animated and passionate in my words and explanations .

Oh the life of a feeling less human . With little moments of seeming like a connection was there.  I guess if this happens for me I'd just look at her blank

[parisian]

I guess pwBPD seems to be too painful to look at themselves or thier emotional maturity is that of a child

They know how they behave. But it is the deepest shame in the world for them to have to admit those things, so we see banal, non-specific, generalisations that result in them never taking responsibility for the damage they cause to the ones who love them so much.  I know I say to some people 'we just weren't right for each other' only out of politeness for her - sometimes I long to tell the truth. I long to say she has a severe mental illness and was abusive towards me, but I do still have some compassion for her and understand it must hold incredible stigma and shame for her in that way. They are stuck in a child-like level of emotional maturity also. How many children do you know that could honestly look you in the eye and say 'oh I ate the last cookie'. Young children don't generally accept responsibility either if they're ashamed of their behaviour or think or know they've done something wrong, and make excuses too.

I was amused (well, I can be now), that she explained away the end of her 10 year relationship before me, by saying her ex said 'she was too negative' and that's why the ex left. I don't know anyone who would end a 10 year relationship on that basis. I had no idea she had BPD when we started going out, and didn't explore that statement more. She didn't own it by saying 'I was too negative', just relayed a softened and what I know now to be an extremely diluted (and somewhat ridiculous really) reason for their breakup.

This is a good lesson though because I will listen much more intently when meeting new people. If someone says this in future, I'll ask if they think that of themselves, and why or why not and challenge a probe a LOT more rather than just accept and dismiss as I did in this case. If I hear any type of 'non-committal' or overly polite answers like 'we weren't right or we were too different' or anything equally as lame, it's going to turn on a mega red light warning for me. Adults who are healthy, responsible and mature will own and acknowledge their part and behaviour in any relationship breakdown. And be able to discuss it. And hopefully demonstrate they improved. If not, cue *run for the hills* 

[Rise]

It's funny, but this is sort of how I feel about me and my ex. We just aren't right for each other. To a certain extent I feel like everything that happened between us was just details. When you boil everything down, the overarching issue is the fact that who she is at her core is just not the sort of person I can be in a healthy relationship with. Nor am I the type of person that is good for her. I've sort of just accepted that it happened, and that it was inevitable from the start because of who we are.

[christin5433]

It's funny, but this is sort of how I feel about me and my ex. We just aren't right for each other. To a certain extent I feel like everything that happened between us was just details. When you boil everything down, the overarching issue is the fact that who she is at her core is just not the sort of person I can be in a healthy relationship with. Nor am I the type of person that is good for her. I've sort of just accepted that it happened, and that it was inevitable from the start because of who we are.

Hi I agree I'm reading info on radical acceptance because I would like to train my brain to deeply let go . I find myself still in some hope of empathy or accountability. I would like a healthy explanation of what the heck happen during the tornado of a b/u during the holidays ? I mean I heard it was all my fault and I know in my innermost self that is not true but I hear her screaming it over and over " if I'd only change" I was sober and she was on oxycodone while this happen and it seem over the top to be so dramatic and extreme ... .The constant arguing put downs hurtful words threats and she began to contact people to co sign this too so a smear campaign ... .I went numb and silent I just shut down I let her go wo a fight.

So now almost 2 months I still think of her my first thought when I wake I let my feelings happen wo fighting them and it sucks. But I need to accept this is just the way it is and there is absolutely nothing I can do but get on w my life. I do miss her, and at the same sane time I know I'm at a pure loss when it comes to doing anything ... .It's a very hard place I need a phsyic change.

[sirensong65]

Well, allow me to be on the "I'm not sparing his feelings cause it's a stigma" train.  I DO let people know what he has, and that he IS ill mentally.  Too bad is it is embarrassing or traumatizing.  He KNOWS full well the devastation he has caused MANY, MANY women.  He lies. cheats, and rages and then breaks it off claiming YOU caused him to do it.

I have met the last four women PRIOR to me.  Had I not looked them up after researching here and on the web for why a person treats people this way.  They would have kept believing it was somehow them.

NONE if us is dating or wanting to after what he put us through.  We are banded together to support each other through the often times debilitating depression that happens after someone this F'd up sweeps you off your feet and screws with your head.

For me, the damage isn't as bad.  I am almost 50 years old.  I have been married, had children, experienced other relationships and if I never get involved with anyone again, I can see I have experienced all I needed and wanted to.

But the three women prior to me had never married.  Nor have they had children.  And now they are in various stages of their 40's and SO damaged and SO distrusting they may never marry or have children.  I BLAME HIM 100%.  These are college educated, smart, sweet, GOOD women who made one mistake... .fall for a BPD with co morbid Bi Polar and ADD.  Let me tell you, that combination is a nightmare wrapped in skin.  A con man that beats them all.

I know I sound angry... .because I am.  Not for me.  Again, I will die with a full life lived if he was the last relationship I ever have.  But the damaged women who he left behind and has the audacity to run down like they weren't good enough for him, well, they certainly didn't deserve this.  One, actually supported him and took care of him while he recovered from heart surgery.  AND, she supported him past the illness so he could go back to school.  How did he repay her?  He moved out with out so much as a not while she was at work one day.  Afterward, what did he say was the reason... .

They just weren't right for one another.

He is with a real hot mess these days.  An ex porn star, current fetish sex worker that is ALSO Bi Polar. We are all hoping that this time, he has picked the girl that will give it back to him two fold. 

[Gonzalo]

They know how they behave. But it is the deepest shame in the world for them to have to admit those things, so we see banal, non-specific, generalisations that result in them never taking responsibility for the damage they cause to the ones who love them so much. 

Mine had been in therapy for some of her issues (she used to self harm but doesn't now, though they treated it as PTSD and not BPD), and she used a LOT of therapist language to shift the blame around. She could talk about my bad communication patterns and how I should talk about things that bother me (ignoring that the first time I tried that she had a two-day freakout, and later a week long rageout when I tried to schedule a talk). She would talk about how it takes two to have an argument so it was always mutual fault (ignoring that she would shout at me until I either gave in or shouted back, and that she would push buttons, cross boundaries, and violate agreemnts). Therapy language and pop-psychology become deadly weapons when thee person using them doesn't acknowledge their own bad actions.

[expos]

If she generalises and puts the relationship in that non-specific way (we weren't right), she doesn't have to take any responsibility or address her issues. I suspect this is what she is telling people what happened rather than actually explain the truth. So, if someone says 'we weren't right for each other', it's important to understand why. In our case, we weren't right for each other because she had BPD and raged at me, had no empathy, was constantly critical, and so on. You all know the drill. I wasn't right for her because I couldn't put up with or accept that behaviour.

OP - I got the same treatment.  Frustrating!

I feel for you.  I got the following just prior to the divorce proceedings:

"It just wasn't right"  

[eyvindr]

I can totally relate to this.

It's funny, but this is sort of how I feel about me and my ex. We just aren't right for each other. To a certain extent I feel like everything that happened between us was just details. When you boil everything down, the overarching issue is the fact that who she is at her core is just not the sort of person I can be in a healthy relationship with. Nor am I the type of person that is good for her. I've sort of just accepted that it happened, and that it was inevitable from the start because of who we are.

Thanks for sharing, Rise.

[dobie]

Dear god this is exactly the line she used after years of telling me "we are meant to be" she was screaming at me "I feel in my gut we are not meant to be " again no accountability for the breakdown of the r/s or her actions post BU this was the closest to some sort of joint blame on her part I got .

[BorisAcusio]

Pretty much correct. After I could no longer continue with lopsided dance, stressed that she must take my needs and emotions into consideration, she immidiately fabricated a drama and forced me to break up with her, raging and devaluing, two days later simply described it as "we weren't right for each other".

Earlier that week, she just confessed undying love and her dedication to the "relationship" even if things were to go down south. Our first serious break up happened with same choreography. Confessing soul mate bond, few weeks later, telling me things that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy.

I had a similar experience.  After months of her silent treatments - that sometimes would like up to 2 weeks at a time - I finally insisted that we had to talk about things.  I didn't know anything about BPD at the time, and my patience was just plain exhausted.  We did end up having a really deep talk about things and she told me over and over that the last thing she wanted was to break up and she's sorry she can't love me like I deserve.  I thought things would be better after that - thought we had really turned a corner.  It wasn't long after that she ended things.  Pretty much out of the blue, and I haven't heard from her since.  She literally text me that she loved me just a few hours before calling to tell me she wanted to break up.

It really is profoundly disordered thinking and they want completely irreconcilable things.

I can relate to your feelings, Cosmonaut. Those 180 degree turns are truly makeyou question your own sense of reality.

The linked article is worth reading, the afortmentioned rationalization seems common for borderlines.

www.primals.org/articles/hannig03.html

A borderline is hyper-alert to injury and much attention is highly focused on perceived abusers. This makes it difficult to accept responsibility for the way she damages relationship bonds. The BP tends to blame a partner for destroying feelings of love and sexuality. She may also rationalize relationship failures on the grounds that, "We are not right for one another, and it will never work.

[willieb4]

"we weren't right for each other", neither of us said it, but that phrase sure helped me to let go of her. I wanted to build a relationship with someone I loved. She did not.