I finally left her a few months ago, and at first I just felt relife. Sure I was really sad, but I was angry aswell. I am keeping this short as possible cause it's hard to even type about, I dont want to remember anything really, but at the same time I want to understand more. We lived together a year, I was unemployed and she was on some form of sick leave. We spent this year almost constantly shut in her appartment.
Now a few months after, I start getting flashbacks to things she has done. I read this article on the site:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolvesThis really opend my mind to how exact she fit in on almost every single point made.
She put me on a pedistal just to tear me apart bit by bit and then accusing me for not fulfilling her idiolized picture of me. I felt I had found the love of my life, as we were to halves made one. She was so filled with life, beutiful within and had incredible good looks. I used to say that I loved her brain haha.
At one point it got so bad that I would start my day by puking in an emotional reaction to deal with all the pressure she was laying on me. I took a dump at least six times a day, constant diareah. I lost weight. I walked on eggshells, I once had a panic attack where my body cramped to the point I couldent move or talk, and after the ambulance left she said she was pregnant. She new I dident want more kids, she claimed she had forgotten to take the pill the last couple of weeks. Luckely for me everyone around her including the doctors and nurses dident think this was the time to have a child. I know if I dont want kids I should use a condom and I cant just blame her.
I started to get consumed of a great dark hole, detached from the world, becomming more a robot. I have had problems with depression in my past, and I started eating antidepressing medicin to cope. In the beginning I was always the normal calm me, dealing with her outbirsts in a calm way. I was in many ways her therapist. I am a person with a lot of empathy, calm and have a healthy confidens. I normally dont take ___ in a relashionship. But at the end I would get angry faster and loose my temper more often in a way that was unfamiliar.
It's not like I just layed on my back and told her to rape my mind. I stood up for myself for a long time but somehow I finally lost myself. Sometimes I would leave the appartment in a fight cause there was no way to reason with her. This she manipulated to be really evil of me, when I was simply escaping her verbal attacks.
Things escalated even thou I had given her a ultimatum of talking with a psychologist and taking meds. Wich she did.
She cut herself in the neck and arms, she tried to play my parents against me.
I thought we should move apart, and shortly after I started school pretty far away. But saw her each month and talked with her on the phone. At this point my brain was starting to heal.
Then I finally had enough, we had a final fight and I got so angy I stomped the ground so I was on crutches for weeks. I felt relife mixed with sorrow. Then shame hit me, I am perplexed that I dident listend to my inner warnings more early on. During the terror I dident talk with anyone about my problems cause even then I felt shame, and I have plenty of friends who would have supported me.
She quickly got into a new relashionship where she is putting him on a pedistal (read her blog). I feel sorry for the guy.
Questions:
How much is automatic and how much is planned when they manipulate?
I assume the best thing is to go on and not have any dialogue with her, but I feel a deep inner need to confront her now when my brain works again. Should I do this in hope for some closure?
I belive they hide behind their shame and self pitty, taking on the coat of victim to justify their actions, what do you think?
How can they not see a pattern in their own actions, or do they just iggnore or justify it in some way?
I want to warn her new boyfriend, give him some info so he can have better coping or see the truth faster so he dosent end up like I did. Tell him that she is on a daiting site at the same time she is "so in love" with him, searching constant confirmation beyond him. Should I?
Every time she said she was sorry, was this true or just a way for her to make me move on and not dwell on the issue at hand?
How is it possible for her to manipulate so incredibly well? I am a very critical thinking person who according to others is quite bright. I am just so filled with shame.
She finally claimed she felt so bad that she couldent even handle me being away one day, she isolated me from my friends. And I let all this happen, I let alot happen. Am I stupid, naive, weak?
I am in doubt now if she loved me, due to the quickness of her to dive into a new relashionship. And due to the way I now clearly see she treated me.
I feel I need to write in detail some time in the future when I have the energy to go thrue the whole mess, for now this will have to do.
p.s Sorry about the misspelled words, my english is rusty
