The best revenge

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I read a lot about NPD/BPD. Some people are wasting good energy on how to get the NPD/BPD back. I heard my father say all my life, " success is the best revenge". It's so simple, doesn't burn good energy on bad energy. Easier said than done but when you get the strength to go nc, than emotionally detach, start growing, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, all painful hard work but worth it's weight in gold in the end. Don't engage the BPD, detach and you will grow. I was an empty shell but I kept pushing my self, growing, detaching learning not to react or defend. My ex is ready to implode, her BF had been recruited into the flying monkey brigade. It takes a lot of energy on there part to be like this. They hold no meaningful place in our heart or life but we grow and hold rent free space in there head while they wallow, we move on and can step back, take a look and see they are in the same place mentally. think of the time, energy and lies to convert someone to a flying monkey, to get a stranger to hate you. That right there shows that the NPD/BPD is firmly stuck in misery while we grow and move on.

[bus boy]

I read a lot about NPD/BPD. Some people are wasting good energy on how to get the NPD/BPD back. I heard my father say all my life, " success is the best revenge". It's so simple, doesn't burn good energy on bad energy. Easier said than done but when you get the strength to go nc, than emotionally detach, start growing, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, all painful hard work but worth it's weight in gold in the end. Don't engage the BPD, detach and you will grow. I was an empty shell but I kept pushing my self, growing, detaching learning not to react or defend. My ex is ready to implode, her BF had been recruited into the flying monkey brigade. It takes a lot of energy on there part to be like this. They hold no meaningful place in our heart or life but we grow and hold rent free space in there head while they wallow, we move on and can step back, take a look and see they are in the same place mentally. think of the time, energy and lies to convert someone to a flying monkey, to get a stranger to hate you. That right there shows that the NPD/BPD is firmly stuck in misery while we grow and move on.

[married21years]

yes success and seeing you in a new relationship is a killer for them

disproves you were the issue!

however allowing the truth to come out is also cathartic 

[bus boy]

I am also the double bad guy bc I sat on the side lines so long and let her control. She did not want me calling the school or being involved in s9's life in any way unless she could control it. Now I get involved with everything in s9's life. I go with my court order and say I have joint custody and all the doors to s9 that she kept closed are opened for me as an equal parent. It drives her crazy. She tells me s9 is slipping bad in school because of his access with me, I go see the teacher. One time I would listen and let her control. Ex met with the school principal, deceived the principal with the old court order, I had a meeting and had the new revised order. I exposed her to the principal for what she really is. Once the loose control of you, they become easy to manipulate bc they are working on a scrambled angry brain. Sounds bad, a non talking about manuplation.

[Zinnia21]

I hear you! I've Been so patient and loving and involved in the relationship. Trying to learn validation etc, But now that I've been thrown away again im needing some small victories! It's over and I've gone N/C. I never thought I'd be able, but somehow I have managed it.

It is kinda nice, in my time of pain and healing, to imagine him wondering why I'm not responding to messages (because I've blocked him!) and why he can't have that power over me anymore. One day I won't even care or think about it, but right now it sorta helps. I am Detaching a little each day, I am finally allowing myself to do that. What a relief, despite the pain. I really tried my hardest in every possible way with him!

[married21years]

I hear you! I've Been so patient and loving and involved in the relationship. Trying to learn validation etc, But now that I've been thrown away again im needing some small victories! It's over and I've gone N/C. I never thought I'd be able, but somehow I have managed it.

It is kinda nice, in my time of pain and healing, to imagine him wondering why I'm not responding to messages (because I've blocked him!) and why he can't have that power over me anymore. One day I won't even care or think about it, but right now it sorta helps. I am Detaching a little each day, I am finally allowing myself to do that. What a relief, despite the pain. I really tried my hardest in every possible way with him!

well done

you never look back from NC 

[duncsvoice]

  im needing some small victories!

Yes! I've adopted that as my mantra. I force myself to do at least one thing a day to better myself in the wake of my last contact with her. I've applied for a job I'd love, redesigned the logo for my business, beat my bench press PB... .all little things, but each one takes me further away from the weak guy who completely lost himself in that relationship and closer to an even stronger, successful, healthier one. Baby steps, but they are all heading in the same direction.

[JerryRG]

Hey bus boy

Great topic, I have heard several different quotes along these lines.

The best revenge is, a life well lived

The best revenge is, forget they ever existed

The best revenge, is to be happy

Hope this helps, keep recovering bus boy

[NewTring]

My ex actually wrote she hopes I find happiness.  I'm not sure how to interpret that.  And that she can't be with me since I think she has BPD which she thinks is not true.

[married21years]

My ex actually wrote she hopes I find happiness.  I'm not sure how to interpret that.  And that she can't be with me since I think she has BPD which she thinks is not true.

yeah i got that as well

first therapy session came back

i dont have BPD, really one session with a councillor

i called her on the lie!

[once removed]

That right there shows that the NPD/BPD is firmly stuck in misery while we grow and move on.

i agree with a lot of what you say here about putting our best foot forward, detaching, moving on with our lives. i think detachment includes detaching from the outcome as well: whether they remain stuck in misery or likewise grow and move on. our happiness and success are not tied to theirs.

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

I am also the double bad guy bc I sat on the side lines so long and let her control. She did not want me calling the school or being involved in s9's life in any way unless she could control it.

Just a piece of advice with the school. That's good to hear that you have shared custody and you're taking care of S9. S9 is going to benefit from that. My S8 has a learning disability and the school came up with some strategies to help our son and it helped him, you could see the difference with his emotional well being at the end of the school year.

My ex probably took his learning disability to heart, borderline mothers are often enmeshed with the kids, they don't know where their boundaries are and the boundaries of others. My ex was floundering and she was blame shifting, I was the cause of my son's difficulties with his school work. My ex was rescuing my son, that validated that she was a good mother while I was the bad father. She is rescuer, I'm persecutor and position that I'm often cast in, a pwBPD will either cast themselves as victim or rescuer along a triangle.

I could see the pattern with triangulation and I was careful to not get caught up in her drama and remained centered, not taking my ex wife's side or the teacher side. I didn't take it to heart because she is who she is but sometimes it helps to be a leader and coach to benefit the kids. It can be challenging but it helps to be aware.

[Zinnia21]

Thanks for this N/C thread. I appreciate it as sometimes the odd silence is deafening, especially when we were just together like... .a week ago!
But the great thing is that I'VE chosen the silence this time.
It's much much better than HIS dreadful silence, followed weeks or months later by his message... ."how are you... ? I'm not doing so well... ."  And my heart explodes and I write straight back... .

No, he was not committed in the end to me or to improving, so there's no choice now. And in the meanwhile I was killing myself waiting and hoping and trying to help and loving and staying.
Here is a list to remind me how bad things really got and what I don't need.

I don't need someone who needs to:

Escape me
Blame me
Bring me in close and then Push me away the next day
Dislike my friends
Twist my words
Make me prove my love over and over
Be insanely jealous
Tune out of reality
Act weird in social situations
Act against me instead of with me
Stalk my phone messages
Hit me with a wall of silence if he THINKS I've acted 'wrongly'
Pretend he's supportive when he only lets me down
Saves his 'happy' side for others but dumps all the darkness on me
And so on!

If I read this list before I knew him I'd think 'how awful, that's not a good partner'

Sticking around long enough to realise it was BPD did help though, so I could put the puzzle together. But now that I know, and have tried the next stage beyond that to stay and help, and that still didn't work, I need to let go.

I need someone who loves being with me rather than 'tolerating' it. Someone I can really turn to. Someone who doesn't watch and judge my every move through a warped lense.

I'm sure some of you can relate:)

Thanks again for the support and the conversation.

[Zinnia21]

I mean, I'm also looking at the tools for recovery and being realistic about all that, but it's good to express and vent!  and also a necessary part of recovery for nons, perhaps... .

[Ceruleanblue]

Zinnia21:

Boy, can I relate to your short list of things you don't want, and won't miss. I'm sure your list is actually much longer, as is mine. I'm working to find my way out of where I am now, and getting my ducks in a row.

The part where you said he saved his happy side for others, and dumped all his darkness on you really broke my heart a little. I've been there four nearly five years, and while it stopped hurting as much, it was just so sad. Sad for him, and sad for me. I got over being sad too, for the most part, but he remains there. Sad, angry, negative and bitter. I'm going to choose to be happy, and that would be really hard to do if I stayed with him, sadly. At best, it would be a real struggle.

Even if you or I end up alone forever, at least we know what we deserve, and we need to remember how awful it felt to be with someone, but not get our own needs met. I don't want to be alone forever, but I'm really gun shy after this. Plus, I've gotten very good at being happy with just my own company. I've had to learn to meet my own needs, do my own thing, and have almost zero expectations is this marriage. So, I keep telling myself, being single can't be much more lonely. Maybe less so, because I know how to meet my own needs now. Heck, I never needed him to meet all my needs, I just wanted him to love me, and be kind to me.

I'm sure you can relate to that. Be proud of where you are.

[bus boy]

Great feed back. I took something good out of every post I read. I know now, that my recovery from this will only be stright ahead from here, of course with bumps along the way.