My Story of someone I loved

[magician]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to share my experience with you after going through painful week.

I had been going through a rough patch in my marriage and was going through slow separation. I couldn't move out of the house because I took care of my son. I couldn't bare being without him.

During this transition phase, I had met this wonderful person out of the blue on the last week of a job that I was quitting. This joyful, wonderful, full of energy person brought me back to life and made me realize how wonderful of a man I am. As time went on, I fell in love with her. I couldn't believe at first, this beautiful wonderful person didn't have significant other for a long time. Her house was dark, lonely. Most of the time without food. I loved taking care of her, bringing food, cooking food together at her house. She was forgetful, sometimes late to work. She hadn't cleaned her house for a long time. Her car was never maintained. All of that really didn't matter to me, she always said the right things. She want to be with me genuinely. I helped her out with everything. She certainly had no energy to do things on her own. A month into our relationship, she started getting jealous. I still had to spend time with my wife for my son, especially on the weekends. Even though she was in a relationship with me, she chose to go to a concert with someone who wanted to marry her for a long time. She started mentioning about other guys who are interested in her. I started to think that she was doing this because I wasn't divorced yet. She was jealous so she had to find things that made me move in the right direction maybe. She mentioned about her other relationships, about other guys she dated. She mentioned about things they said that irritated her. She told me, after being irritated she would "X" them out of her life. I really didn't think much of this. She also told me that she wished she had used medication during her time with her first fiancee. I still didn't get it. Time went on, and she would make herself believe things that were not true, especially anything related to my wife. She wanted all of my time to her. She wanted me to move in and maybe even forget about my kid for a while. She would text me that I should forget about our relationship in the middle of the night, and come morning, she would apologize for what she had said. One saturday, she blew a headgasket when I told her, I was'nt available to meet. She wanted to break up with me right away. I cried on the phone, chatted for hours on whatsapp. I convinced her that I still loved her, and I would make the right moves to be with her all the time. But, I needed time. I guess my understanding of time was months, and hers were alot shorter. The same week, we had a wonderful time together, made plans for a little vacation. Came Friday, and all of a sudden she was cold, agitated. I had missed her so much and she didn't want to see me for some reason. I went to her house after work. I found her watching TV in a dark room,crawled on to a couch. She mentioned how frustrating it was for her the she doesn't have me completely. She asked again maybe we should break up. I didn't want to answer her.  I left so she could think and calm herself down. I texted her saying I regretted coming to see her because I made her feel worse. She texted back and said she felt the same and she was sorry.

On Saturday, I wasn't able to take calls for a while, I also didn't want to talk to her. When I did reach her on whatsapp, she just texted me that she wanted to break up with me for the third time. I told myself that I can't make her happy now. I told her I will do whatever she would like and even be friends if she wanted. A minute later, she texts me back saying, she has no love for me and she will delete everything about me and called me a few other things. She told me to deleted the netflix account I had given her. She blocked my phone, whatsapp... .I was devastated. I walked for hours crying and I couldn't have the strength to go to her house after the things she called me. I sent her flowers on sunday and tuesday at work. I really thought she was bipolar and she went into hiding somewhere, crying. I called a mutual friend who is also her coworker. He told me that she is at work, functioning properly and in a good mood. This didn't make sense. Is this the same person who just dumped me?

I waited for a call until the next saturday. I decided to email her, because this guilt that was put on me was eating me away. Why was I quilty? What did I do? I still felt bad.

I wrote her that I would love to hear from her that she is ok and I would love to be part of her life no matter how small that role might be. I told her that I would love her forever and ever no matter what.

Couple of hours laters I received an email back... .

"Who do you think you are to email me? Why don't you go away like a man. What kind of a pervert are you? Never contact me and never try to write back."

This is was my final devastation... .what in the world just happened to me?


I was "X" ed out by her terms... I was the bad guy... even a pervert.

I lost a lover, friend, a fellow aerospace engineer.

I know that she will never come back, I still want to remember her the way she was. I still love her deep down, but I love the person before all of this happened. Now she is dead, some other soul is using her flesh.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mikhael, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that things ended so abruptly, which must have been a shock for you.  Presumably you are here because you have an inkling that your Ex has BPD, right?   I note that, like most of us here, you overlooked a few red flags  , which is to be expected when one falls hard for a pwBPD.  How long has it been since you parted ways with your Ex?  What are your gut feelings about that r/s?  It really does get better and posting here is a safe outlet to discuss BPD issues.  Fill us in more, when you can.

LuckyJim

[randomuser94]

I wish i could understand this behaviour as well. One second they cry after you, the next one they tell you "you should have walked away like a man". Furthermore when you walk away they paint you black for... walking away from her.

[magician]

Hey mikhael, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that things ended so abruptly, which must have been a shock for you.  Presumably you are here because you have an inkling that your Ex has BPD, right?   I note that, like most of us here, you overlooked a few red flags  , which is to be expected when one falls hard for a pwBPD.  How long has it been since you parted ways with your Ex?  What are your gut feelings about that r/s?  It really does get better and posting here is a safe outlet to discuss BPD issues.  Fill us in more, when you can.

LuckyJim

Thanks Jim,

This shock is relate with be being painted black and shut off from all ways of communication. I had never seen anything like this before.

It's been more than a week now. But the email I received from her, was just 2 days ago. I think I really liked my relationship with her, although I was the one giving, giving and giving. I went above and beyond for everything. She literally couldn't even do shopping. I was always on the phone giving her advice and telling her how smart she is, how beautiful she is, how much I was proud of her... etc.



I am here because I really think she was BPD, She knew she needed madication, she mentioned that to me.

Here are some things that I have noticed about her:

1) She can't keep a job more than 2-3 years. She had just started a new position when I met her. She  gets in verbal fights at work. Even with this new one, she was in a fight and almost lost her job. I calmed her down and made sure she did the right things.
2) She was picking on her face when I met her. She stopped doing that altogether. I guess anyone could pick their face...
3) She blocks people on her cellphone frequently. She paints people black and talks about it. We would even joke if she would ever X me out, she would say "not yet"- I thought it was funny
4) She never got in a verbal fight with me, ever. She would just feel desperate and cry.
5) She gets irritated from small things, things that don't really matter.
6) Maybe this is a sign of something else- she can't finish things, she has weird sleeping schedule. She goes to bed early and wakes up 3 am, something bothers her. She can't go back to sleep and when she does, she can't get up. Then, she is late to work.

I think I have mentioned some of the red-flags above. She talked about painting people black, and I didn't understand what that meant.

I have somethings to ask myself, so I can move on. My mind keeps working like  a little computer trying to find reasoning. I get up so early and my mind is full of scenarios, questions, what-if s.

1) why does she paint people black, especially me? What purpose does it serve her. She still needs me to do daily things in her life. Why couldn't she keep me as a friend at least? Does that mean, she has somebody else already in her life?
2) Why would she make accusations that she knows that are not correct on an email? Why is she trying to push me away so much?
3) does she never want to see me again? If she does, how does her mind think I would accept her as a friend/lover after all of the things she said to me.
4) would she ever make contact again? Do BPDs come back? feel remorse? beg for forgiveness?

thanks for listening to me

[magician]

I wish i could understand this behaviour as well. One second they cry after you, the next one they tell you "you should have walked away like a man". Furthermore when you walk away they paint you black for... walking away from her.

She exactly did cry a week before, She cried as I walked out the the door when I had to return back to my son. She said we would have gone around the world and had a kid on our own. We still could have, just impatience got to her I think. I don't think she could be a good mother. I would end up looking after her kid as well.

[randomuser94]

She exactly did cry a week before, She cried as I walked out the the door when I had to return back to my son. She said we would have gone around the world and had a kid on our own. We still could have, just impatience got to her I think. I don't think she could be a good mother. I would end up looking after her kid as well.

I wouldn't trust a woman with BPD to be a good mother. Just the thought of her using the lies and kid against me scare the $@#% out of me. Combine this power of manipulation with the fact that she's unstable and you have yourself a thinking bomb.

[Lucky Jim]

1) why does she paint people black, especially me? What purpose does it serve her. She still needs me to do daily things in her life. Why couldn't she keep me as a friend at least? Does that mean, she has somebody else already in her life?
2) Why would she make accusations that she knows that are not correct on an email? Why is she trying to push me away so much?
3) does she never want to see me again? If she does, how does her mind think I would accept her as a friend/lover after all of the things she said to me.
4) would she ever make contact again? Do BPDs come back? feel remorse? beg for forgiveness?

Hey mikhaelovick, Those are all good questions.  The "little computer" in your mind, however, is applying reason and rationality to a disorder that often defies those qualities.  Those w/BPD act in ways that are often counter-intuitive and even paradoxical, which is why I would suggest that your analytical approach may prove frustrating.  For example, those w/BPD fear abandonment, but will push you away hard, which brings about the result that they fear.  That's why I describe their actions as paradoxical from a Non's perspective.  From a BPD perspective, however, what they do is a function of their disorder, if that makes sense.

LuckyJim

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Mikhael-

First, please know... .you are STILL a wonderful man.  Nothing that your BPDex has said will change that.  You are none of the names she called you.  She only knows her emotions minute by minute, she has no sense of how her actions affect anyone else.  Even your child.  And that's a big deal.

If you want to gain a better understanding of BPD, there is a lot of information on the right side of the page.  But, and this is a big but... .it sounds to me that she did you a good service by showing her character relatively early?  Although I don't know how long you were  together.

She was showing resentment toward your child.  Is that a battle you want in your life?  Does a healthy, loving woman show jealousy toward your child?  And you are currently going through a marriage separation and have things to iron out with your separation.  You need a smooth transition so that you and your wife can be good parents going forward and your child can see calm between you.  A separation is difficult enough without additional heartache and insanity thrown in (especially by a pwBPD)!

So please be kind to yourself.  Try to embrace the fact that this is over for now.  Try to be grateful that you do NOT work in the same office with her. 

It's vital for you to heal... .from your marriage, and now from this BPD experience.  Hold tight to the love of your child.  She didn't want you to have that.

You were in a vulnerable place when you met her.  I think that's a key for a lot of us, so we "miss" the signs we may have seen had we been healthy and strong.  It's so important to know we cannot "fix" what's truly broken in pwBPD.  No matter what we do.  We can only heal ourselves.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jeffree]

"Who do you think you are to email me? Why don't you go away like a man. What kind of a pervert are you? Never contact me and never try to write back."

Such stupidity is almost predictable once you truly begin to understand pwBPDs.

The extremes they go to in order to justify their lousy manners is just ridiculous.

J

[Pencil sketch]

I wrote something very similar to my ex, and was called a stalker and obsessive. She always reacted very negatively, to anything emotional I wrote. When she ended it again last year, she knew how I felt,  but still came back 8 weeks later, for what, I am still not entirely sure.
The long and short of it is, we can research this condition, and learn enough to write a book about it, the problem is, having 'normal' emotions, we can't relate or understand, because we don't function like that, and to alot of us, their behaviour is abhorrent, and we go round and round in circles, trying to join the dots, to reveal the answer.
There is no answer. She is different, and I have learned to not take it personally, and almost feel sorry for her, despite what she has done to me, and probably others, it must be a tortured existence, I have lost her, but benefited in other ways, I now know, how I don't want to be treated.

[Lucky Jim]

I have lost her, but benefited in other ways, I now know, how I don't want to be treated.

Agree, that's a positive for you going forward, Pencil sketch!  You could say that you have learned boundaries about what is unacceptable behavior in a future r/s.  Right?

LJ

[Pencil sketch]

It certainly makes one more cautious LJ, and I am conscious, that I maybe too wary, for the short term, I have no desire or inclination to enter into another relationship, but when the time comes, I will be on red flag alert.

[Lucky Jim]

Learning how you don't want to be treated is one of the gifts that she gave you, as odd as that may sound.  LJ

[magician]

Hello everyone,

thanks for your kind messages and making mylife a bit easier.

Here is an update:

She called me last wednesday out of the blue. She was sorry for sending me the last email. She told me she was doing it to push me away. I am not sure I will buy it, because I am 100 percent sure it was impromptu. She said she was dreaming about me for the last 2 days and felt horrible.

We started talking again but lots of things inside of me have died for her. She is also distant, yet she says she wants me but she can't ask for me to be with her.  She has no self esteem. She was turned down from her dream job. She went into gutters again.

She doesn't block me on her cellphone, but she doesn't answer on purpose sometimes.

She is just broken.

I told her how bad I was after our breakup, she was surprised that I was feeling that bad. She said that I was handling it like we had a real relationship.

[magician]

I also saw she picked her arm and there is  a scab that looked similar to what she had on her had. She said she scratched it with her nail. She has no long nails. Scratches don't look like round wounds.

Is she hurting herself intentionally?

[space261083]

I wouldn't trust a woman with BPD to be a good mother. Just the thought of her using the lies and kid against me scare the $@#% out of me. Combine this power of manipulation with the fact that she's unstable and you have yourself a thinking bomb.

Sadly I experienced this first hand.

[space261083]

I would seriously let this relationship go. It sounds like the 2 of you were not together very long? Coming out of a marriage takes time to process and heal. The behaviour she has displayed to you in a short space of time is very concerning. I suggest you concentrate on YOU for now.

[The Cat in d Hat]

Buddy I’m so sorry to hear you dealt with such a roller coaster. I have gone through something similar. I reached out to mine after she suddenly went NC and she labeled me as passive aggressive, emotionally blackmailing, and manipulative, and threatened with an R/o. All I wanted was a sensible answer, and that she could not give, just projections. I only found myself regretting why did I even bother reaching out.

I hope you don’t let this situation bog down on you. Focus on yourself.

[magician]

Here is more update:

I started talking to her again. But I guess my love for her wasn't truly extinguished.

The things she said and done was because according to her, to push me away. I wasn't divorced yet and she couldn't see herself with a married person. I understood all of that. I felt sorry that I put her in a position like this.

As the weeks passed again. I gave my 110 percent. Fixing her car, making sure she went to work. Listened to her etc. I spent half a day with her shopping with my kid only to know she went to work out with some guy from work hours later. She wanted to be with me, she wanted to keep her options open. I couldn't be nonchalant and do the same for someone I truly loved.

She would say she loved me one day and push me away the next day. She started talking to guys privately as I was out on dinners, when I confront her she would go crazy.

Yesterday I went to a clinic with her and I wanted to support her for getting tests doe on something. Since the day before we were on good terms. I approached her like a loving partner. She told me that I should stop acting like we are couples. I asked her what I was to her in her life. She said "no one". I couldn't walk away, I swallowed and continued walking to the clinic.

We had dinner at a nearby restaurant. We talked about what if's and why we broke up. She said she was never in love with me. She was in a weird state being in a new job, she couldn't understand her feelings, etc.

We bought some strawberries, made jokes. I kissed her goodbye for the day.

The next morning she wouldn't answer my calls, my texts ( sorry I think her psyche was rubbing off to me, I started going crazy myself , I started having those feelings of abandonment myself) I went to her house only to see her peak at the door and asking me why the heck I was at her door.

 I left without saying anything, I couldn't tell I wanted to see her. I couldn't do those things. She looked mean and not welcoming.

We started texting hours later. I am going to europe for a week and I told her not to drop me off at the ariport, and I can go by myself. She replied back saying "don't try to text me while you are there"

I replied back with her own words when she dumped me the first time.  The thing I told her was something she asked me to forget forever. She didn't want that brought up again. I know I should have just forgotten. But these things are hard to digest and forget in a few weeks. She just wants to say horrible things and asks you to forget forever. That triggered something. She texted me and wanted her stuff back and she will do the same. She told me she was blocking me again. She said there was no place for me in her life... I told her that there was no need, and I won't contact her regardless. She figured that I will never forget her for somethings and we couldn't have a future. Me being around, made her unhappy. I was an other failed relationship that lingered around. I slept for 12 hours. My brain literally shut down from this episode.

I hate this disease. Am I not normal also?

[randomuser94]

Hello, magician. I'ts good to her from you again. I was wondering how your story changed after your last words.

She would say she loved me one day and push me away the next day. She started talking to guys privately as I was out on dinners, when I confront her she would go crazy

I've been there as well. I was so confused that I thought I'm going insane. It's just the classic push/pull(or "I hate you, don't leave me". I've been there for her in moments of need, helped her, ave my best but seeing her going for other guys hurt me on the inside a lot. I just thought things will get better.
  She will push you away every time you will get close to her and want you back when she feels like she's losing you. This roller coaster won't stop won't stop because of what I've described earlier.

As the weeks passed again. I gave my 110 percent.

Sadly what you give and gave for her was and will never be enough. And it's the same for every partner she will have after you. It's not you to blame here. You can't fill a bottomless pit of needs and attention.

We had dinner at a nearby restaurant. We talked about what if's and why we broke up. She said she was never in love with me. She was in a weird state being in a new job, she couldn't understand her feelings, etc.

  I had dinner as well with my exFiancee. I needed to find out what I did wrong (again) to deserve a break-up trough msg. I received that night a similar answer: "I don;t love you. I hate you. You weren't good enough for me".  2 days later i had to see her crying how much she loves me and how pointless her life is without me. 2 more days after I had to see her insulting me and showing a huge amount of hate towards me.
  I guess the correct or real answer for our questions was this: I don't love you now. . For them emotions dictate the 'love', that's why it's considered they don't really love someone, they just attach. Real love can't just disappear at the snap of fingers for a stupid reason like not being able to answer phone or something.

I hate this disease. Am I not normal also?

Well... .describe 'normal'. I wouldn't call 'normal' anyone those days, especially Us, those that went trough a relation with a BPD. Someone close to normality will see the red flags that BPD show and will back away.
  For me it was a harsh lesson to learn. It was the shock of my life, almost ruined me not just emotionally, but I had to find out why it happened. I had to study both her type of thinking and why she did what she did, but I had to look at myself as well. It's not normal to accept those things, the insults and manipulation. I had to look really deep inside me, to find my problems and start fixing those.
  When i look at how I was in that relation it disgusts me. The things I've accepted, the abuse and the manipulation, the discards and others.

  I know a part of you wants her back. Maybe give the relation another shot, maybe it will be different or maybe you will be able to handle it better. It won't. Things will only get worse for her during the years to come. If you go back she will use you to 'not drown as fast as she is right now'. But eventually you will be discarded and it will feel x10 times worse.
  The only hope for her it's professional help and even that it's not 100% working and it takes years of cooperation from her. And even after this she will still have episodes.

[magician]

Hello, magician. I'ts good to her from you again. I was wondering how your story changed after your last words.

something that human beings feel, love!

[Cromwell]

We started talking again but lots of things inside of me have died for her. She is also distant, yet she says she wants me but she can't ask for me to be with her.  She has no self esteem. She was turned down from her dream job. She went into gutters again.

She doesn't block me on her cellphone, but she doesn't answer on purpose sometimes.

She is just broken.

I told her how bad I was after our breakup, she was surprised that I was feeling that bad. She said that I was handling it like we had a real relationship.

I start to notice a pattern of rebound happening when peoples ex- or current BPD partners have hit hard times and things arent going as well as they had hoped. that is the time i recall getting phone calls and a lot of interest to reel me back in. it went along the lines of voicemails that said "hi, sorry i havent called you, i havent been ignoring you ive had no credit, i lost my job, hope your well".

even though I could detect the tone of voice (became childlike again) was all designed to push my buttons, it worked because I missed her and was glad that she made the step to restablish contact.

looking back at it without the emotional impulsivity, its clear that I was just someone that when the chips were down i was a good source of support. when things were going "well" for her, she would happily degrade me and make out she had so many "friends" there for her.

you say she doesnt answer on purpose sometimes - if she was like mine, its because shes busy trying to triangulate or hook into someone else simultaneously as me.

[magician]

So the first block I received from her, two days prior, her voice tone had changed. As if I was someone indifferent. I bet the same night when she threw a fit and she couldn't leave the house was to meet some guy probably. She probably met a mister possible. Me being with her, blocked her from doing that.

When did she call me back? She said she had dreams about me and... .her car broke down and she had to walk 5 blocks back home.

What was my first assignment after she called me back?

Jump start her car. Get a new battery.

What was my last assignment?

replace her car's headlight bulb, air up the tires and make sure the car is road worthy.

She made her road trip and came back home safe and sound.

Her voice changed again. She didn't want me in her house.

3 days later, I am blocked.

I confirmed with a friend where she works. She is defn with a new guy. Even the night we had hot dinner date together. She came from his house to see me and guy  kept messaging her.

I do feel like sh*t

If her blocking patterns' the same, her call back pattern will be the same again. She has to be lonely and she can't get something done herself that I can.

She has self-pride. I have a feeling this NC will go forever.

I need to go repair myself.

[Cromwell]

my ex once slipped up and it was after I had been especially nice to her, enjoyed a nice meal at a restaurant, on the way back home she just blurted out with a evil grin "I like my men well whipped".

I could have crashed right there for shock, but didnt show any reaction, just processed it tried to humorise it. she then demanded sex from me to pull over there and then. (which I did, but despite my infactuation for her passion normally, this just felt really weird)

but it made complete sense. she got a kick out of me or any guy serving her than she would go to the other one in the triangle. thats where she got her kicks from.

its just some sad sadistic sort of thrill to bolster a rock bottom self esteem by trying to treat someone who loves them like dirt. its why i abandoned her and went full NC, to partially show her what little bit of self esteem I had left.

[randomuser94]

I had the same encounters as well. They are nice to you when they feel alone, when they want attention from someone and that someone is you. If they have someone  else that gives them attention they suddenly become hateful towards you, they are aggressive and such. You can tell if she's alone or with someone just by the way she talks to you.

[magician]

Hey Guys

5 days NC, I just keep playing over and over again what I told her before she blocked me this last time. I keep blaming myself for something I have said, that might have hurt her. I don't want to talk to her at all, I just want to forget and forgive myself.

But why am I beating myself over this?

any explanation from your experiences?

thanks

[Pencil sketch]

Hi magician, 5 days, well done.
The only reply I can give, is to say, our brains are trying to process something, that cannot be understood.
With all intents and purposes, compared to a person with BPD, we feel 'normal' emotions, and the BPD, pours all there toxic shame into us, simply because, they can't deal with it.
Nothing you could have said, or done would have changed anything, we play out different scenerios in our minds, trying to find some kind of explanation, but there is none.
We are all good people on here, and were picked for a reason, take comfort from that, concentrate on you, we will all get there.

[magician]

you know what hurts the most?

they are living their life as nothing has happened...

just as she told me last week,  "you are no one!"

I fart in the general direction of this disease

[magician]

Hello Everyone

Here is an updte

I couldn't maintain NC, but I haven't seen her for a month an a half.

I sent her collage of the picture I have taken of her. They were nicely framed. I meant no harm.

Since she blocks me I didn't try calling her at all.  Out of the blue ( like a month later of my last discard) I called her and it magically went to voicemail.

I said "hi how are you, take care"

I got a nasty delusional email 2 hours later.

She thinks I am a nasty creature who can rape people, and I make her sick to her stomach- sort of like a continuation of her last nasty email after 1st discard.

I have a feeling she was sexually abused as a child, and now she think I am that "object other" the person who abused her.

3 weeks have passed after that email. I am just trying to move on.

I wonder if she feels sorry after writing these.

[Wicker Man]

3 weeks have passed after that email. I am just trying to move on.

Magician,

I read your story and is parallels mine quite directly. 

You have been through a lot of pain and turmoil over these last few months. I completely understand how difficult maintaining NC can be.  I have been no contact for nearly 140 days. 

You asked, perhaps rhetorically, if she feels badly about what she said to you.  I am of the opinion that my undiagnosed B(PD) lover meant everything she said at the moment in which she said it. 

When she loved me she loved me with every ounce of her being and it felt incredibly wonderful -it is, in my opinion, love bordering on psychosis.  Her love is an impossible high.

When she was raging she hated me with every ounce of her being and it felt horrible -it is, in my opinion, hatred bordering on psychosis.  Her hatred is an impossible low.

The structure I used above was to try to illustrate how black and white my ex lover's behavior appeared. 

I loved her very deeply and wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person, but I ultimately figured out it would very likely end in my emotional, physical, and financial consumption.  The end of life as I know it.  Does this sound overly dramatic of me?  Take a few moments and try to look at your lover's behavior analytically --forget about the 'high' and try to extrapolate her deviant behavior and project it forward.  What does the end game look like?

Do I miss my lover?  This is a complex question.  The answer I have been able to formulate is this --I miss the idea of her.  I miss the fantasy I had created.  The reality is tragic, painful and verging on dangerous. 

She is beautiful, I don't mean her shell, I mean she has an inner magic and beauty I have never seen in another human being.  She also has a darkness which would have been our undoing.  I am a codependent people pleaser and I would have moved heaven and earth for her -but whereas love can heal this healing can only take place if both partners are able to truly commit to the process.   It was a  sad realization --I do not believe she is up to the task.

Are you seeing a therapist?  You have had a hell of a last few months.  Divorce segueing into a 'relationship' with someone who may be suffering from a diabolically tragic personality disorder.  This is a lot to process and cope with with out some guidance. 

I am currently seeing a therapist and he has helped me begin reconcile what my heart yearns for versus what I know is right for me intellectually. 

Omnia Vincit Amor?  Perhaps this refers to the love of oneself.   

I noticed earlier you quoted from Holy Grail.  Here is one from the old movie War Games.  "A strange game. The only winning move is not to play."

So that is the theory.  Putting this theory into practice... .Therein lies the challenge.  I am no contact for both of our mutual benefit.  It is as much for her and it is for me.


Wicker Man