Found out he kissed another during our relationship

[blooming]

Its interesting how you posted the chronological order of his response. It reminds me so much of how my ex would lie to me. When someone is confronted by such a big accusation such as cheating and they would be innocent and know nothing about what you are talking about, does it seem likely that they would calmly respond first of all with "oh yes, it must be awful to hear something like this!" which when you look at it, the first part "oh yes!" is almost a subtle, self soothing admission to release the tension, followed by redirecting the crux of the question back to you and how you might feel.

Yes, you're quite right, I would have never responded that calmly if I was falsely accused of something like that.

When I confronted my ex about the cheating she never directly denied it but had very similar responses.

Lets face it, if my ex would have confronted me about cheating on her and it was totally false I would be absolutely shocked, deny it fully straight away and demand to know exactly what led her to come to that idea. From the response youve given of him there doesnt appear any "shock" about what you have told him, just redirection with the denial sandwhiched in the middle and then another diversion as a way of concluding it in a way that he wants to control that the relationship will just proceed and he is there for you.

From your last point I have so much empathy with what you say in "theres still a part of me that wants to believe"

and thats what I ended up doing, lying to my own belief because it was at that moment in time, the easy way out and a way to deflect the pain away. Putting myself into that denial and carrying on was the worst thing to do as it is lying to yourself and sets a precedent to continue that way, as I did. Try not to focus so much on wether he gets angry or not for not believing him, this isn't anymore about solving the crime and proving innocence, it is that he has made you feel so devasted, hurt and suspicious. Is there really anything you think he can do, beyond apologising (which he has not done) that can make these feelings go away, or will they likely just fester away at you in the long term?

No I don't think this feeling can go away ever again. But what would you suggest? Should I send him a message saying something like "Ex, I am sure this happened. I don't need a response from you, I just want you to know that I know and that I can't believe you did this and that you have hurt me very very much.", or should I try to leave it be? Because I am noticing that it's very hard for me to let go. Or to accept that I won't take anymore action.

i should have concentrated fully on the hurt that my ex caused me and that I didnt want to accept that anymore than playing along with the make-believe to myself that it was comforting that she denied it, gave me more sex and good times right after the event to keep me hooked in and put a sticky plaster on what was a deep flesh wound she created.

Well we're still broken up and haven't talked since I confronted him with this, so I don't think that will be a problem with me. I don't think there's a very big chance that he will try to win me back again.

I keep reading back the conversation, trying to think what he thought when he read my responses. Does he think I fully believe him? Or not? I said things like "Thank you for your quick response, it was quite a blow when I heard it" "Yes, I didn't really know what to do with myself" "It sucks that stories like this are circulating" "I don't think there's anything you can do for me, it just sucked when I heard" (these are translations from my mother language, but they're quite accurate I guess). Do you think, hearing my responses, he thinks I totally believe him or that he has doubts?

[blooming]

blooming im so sorry what you're going through, It really is hard to believe someone you love so much can betray you!
I honestly don't think it'll be good for you to confront your ex about this, no good is going to come out of it.

I have been in a relationship with my exfiance for 6 years, we were just about to get married and she broke it off and completely shut me out, I did some digging and found out that she was cheating on me. Honestly I wish I could sit her down and just talk to her, but no good is going to come out of it. Trust me you are the one who is saved from future pain that youre not with this person anymore. I know this is hard to hear, as you might still feel something for this person. But, you will have more stress if you deal with your ex again.

Wish you all the best in your healing. Time heals all wounds. Trust me on this!

Do you mean not confront him again? Because I have already confronted him once and he denied it and he did it so thoroughly that I almost started to believe him so I didn't really respond in the way I wanted to. Now I really regret that because I think he thinks that I believe him and that he got away with it.

[MyBPD_friend]

Blooming, as everyone here has said, I'm very sorry for this terrible disappointment.

However, I believe in a situation like this, it would be best and less hurtful to you to let him just go. I don know by experience that it sounds easier than it is. yes it will continue to hurt, but keeping emotionally engaged and making more contact will be damaging to you, much more than to him.

For some BPD, perhaps for a majority of all BPD, honesty in usually nothing to expect from them. It is also very hard to try to understand someone ig that person is beeing dishonest.

'I don't think there's a very big chance that he will try to win me back again.'

I think it would be a mistake to wait or hope for any kind of reengagement from him, as the cycle will never end at all.

We're all here for you, and this is a great place to find help, unbderstanding and a good support.

[blooming]

Blooming, as everyone here has said, I'm very sorry for this terrible disappointment.

However, I believe in a situation like this, it would be best and less hurtful to you to let him just go. I don know by experience that it sounds easier than it is. yes it will continue to hurt, but keeping emotionally engaged and making more contact will be damaging to you, much more than to him.

For some BPD, perhaps for a majority of all BPD, honesty in usually nothing to expect from them. It is also very hard to try to understand someone ig that person is beeing dishonest.

'I don't think there's a very big chance that he will try to win me back again.'

I think it would be a mistake to wait or hope for any kind of reengagement from him, as the cycle will never end at all.

We're all here for you, and this is a great place to find help, unbderstanding and a good support.

No I definitely don't hope for any reengagement from him, but I am curious to see if he will reengage or not. I guess it would kind of hurt if he doesn't, because I know that with past relationships he tried and tried and tried until his ex pretty much had to block him. He hasn't done that with me yet, which kind of makes me feel less worthy. Same goes for that he cheated on me and now denies it, makes me feel like he doesn't/didn't respect me. It just puts our whole relationship in a different light and that really really sucks. All the happy memories are coloured black now. Because all I can think about that apparently it was fake to him, or that he didn't love me as much as I loved him, or more things like that.

Also, I just don't know what to do if he does contact me again. How do I keep the situation from getting out of hand then? I don't want to be too nice because then he might really think that I believed him. I just wish he knew I don't believe him.

[blooming]

I notice that my head just doesn't want to believe it, that it's putting it away, like it didn't happen or something. Such a big part of me wants to believe what he told me. Because it's just so surreal that he did this, when everything was going perfectly fine, and that I didn't notice a thing.

[Cromwell]

Yes, you're quite right, I would have never responded that calmly if I was falsely accused of something like that.

No I don't think this feeling can go away ever again. But what would you suggest? Should I send him a message saying something like "Ex, I am sure this happened. I don't need a response from you, I just want you to know that I know and that I can't believe you did this and that you have hurt me very very much.", or should I try to leave it be? Because I am noticing that it's very hard for me to let go. Or to accept that I won't take anymore action.

Well we're still broken up and haven't talked since I confronted him with this, so I don't think that will be a problem with me. I don't think there's a very big chance that he will try to win me back again.

I keep reading back the conversation, trying to think what he thought when he read my responses. Does he think I fully believe him? Or not? I said things like "Thank you for your quick response, it was quite a blow when I heard it" "Yes, I didn't really know what to do with myself" "It sucks that stories like this are circulating" "I don't think there's anything you can do for me, it just sucked when I heard" (these are translations from my mother language, but they're quite accurate I guess). Do you think, hearing my responses, he thinks I totally believe him or that he has doubts?

I only talk from my own experience of having my ex cheat on me and trust me, how it happened all the circumstances combined and how strong my feelings were for her it was decimating for me, beyond what I would have imagined. What made it worse was it was denied. So ive been through that too. Then to carry on holding on to that devastation and bury it away because didnt want to face it, whilst staying with her 2.5 years onward. Its why I think I know how you feel because what you post is like a carbon copy of how I felt.

the more you ruminate the stronger the hurtful imagery stays. the more energy you use to suppress it, the more conflicted you will be. i hope you resolve it early rather than carry it for so long as i did, it will fester away inside, its not going to just disappear, that much I can say for certain.

its not helpful to compare how he behaved in previous r/s, the fact that he isnt trying at the moment could be for many reasons. I could say that it is because he sees you as a stronger person than the previous ones, which is why he hasnt tried, he might know that you know the truth regardless that he cant confront his own shame to admit it to you.

[blooming]

I only talk from my own experience of having my ex cheat on me and trust me, how it happened all the circumstances combined and how strong my feelings were for her it was decimating for me, beyond what I would have imagined. What made it worse was it was denied. So ive been through that too. Then to carry on holding on to that devastation and bury it away because didnt want to face it, whilst staying with her 2.5 years onward. Its why I think I know how you feel because what you post is like a carbon copy of how I felt.

Yes, the denial is the worst of all, I totally agree. It's comforting to know that you know exactly how I feel.

the more you ruminate the stronger the hurtful imagery stays. the more energy you use to suppress it, the more conflicted you will be. i hope you resolve it early rather than carry it for so long as i did, it will fester away inside, its not going to just disappear, that much I can say for certain.

So both ruminating and suppressing the ruminating isn't good? Than what do you advice to do? I just don't know how to resolve it, how I'll ever be able to let this go. Especially because a part of me wants to believe him now, which makes it harder to totally accept this happened, I guess. That's why I'm thinking of contacting the girl he kissed, to find proof for myself that it happened so that I'm 100% sure he's lying. But I don't even know if she'd be open to that. And I still don't know if it's a good idea.

its not helpful to compare how he behaved in previous r/s, the fact that he isnt trying at the moment could be for many reasons. I could say that it is because he sees you as a stronger person than the previous ones, which is why he hasnt tried, he might know that you know the truth regardless that he cant confront his own shame to admit it to you.

I know it isn't helping, but I just can't let it go. And of course he has tried in the past, since we have recycled 3 times since our first break-up (in the course of 6 months) and all of them were initiated by him, they just all failed because he didn't want to commit/didn't have space in his head for me/felt irritated by me/wasn't feeling well mentally/didn't want the extra pressures that (according to him) come with a relationship etc. I hope he knows I know the truth. I hope he got that from the responses I gave him (that I typed out earlier in a response to you).

What I am also struggling with, is how to respond if and when he ever contacts me again. And I guess I need two scenario's, one for if it happens in a short time span and one for if it happens after quite some time. Do you have any suggestions? I'm scared that if he'll contact me again, he'll have to find out that I don't believe him (because currently I don't want any contact with him, so that's what I'll say and then he'll probably ask why) and get very angry. Even though I now let go of my pride and didn't confront him again, then I'll still have to do it.

[Cromwell]

 Blooming you trusted this person, now you are left in shock, upset, anger and you are still concerned about how he might feel if you confront him. When I asked you earlier "does it matter what he thinks?", I didnt mean that to come across as blunt or tactless, just because when I read stuff like this, it reminds me of the predicament I was in and when I look at your situation from not being emotionally involved, I think, look at what has happened to this person, she trusted, she was happy but the other has behaved in a way that didnt give a ___ about her.

His actions, although likely to have been impulsive, were deliberate all the same. We can never prove 100%, and that is what he relies on. He may, or may not have felt guilty, even momentarily upset, after the event but he hasnt developed empathy for you or he would not have done it in the first place or would have apologised, which would involve embracing shame, and giving you the option of what to do about it. This leaves him feeling ok, and leaving you in this state.

Instead you are left in this state and struggling to find your self esteem for being made to feel like a fool for trusting and the insult of being lied to. To such an extent that you are entertaining the idea of denial of your intuition to suppress the hurt and leave the opportunity there for a recycle. After all, if you like this person and you havent proven he has cheated, then there is nothing to stop the r/s continuing.

Its why someone else already said, think about the fact that this person has made you feel this way, that there is now a big question mark hanging over his integrity. Dont beat yourself down that you trusted him and now this has been compromised, of course it is going to be a huge disappointment when you had such a high impression of the R/S and now it feels like you have been in an emotional hit and run with him callously driving off in the distance without a care in the world.

He wants to keep you in his phone book for when he wants his needs fulfilled and he is happy to keep you in the fog and disorientated about the truth to ensure you are kept as an option.

 I had reinstalled whattsapp and not being the best at understanding software, there here face came up as one of my contacts. She never deleted or blocked me, even after I initiated complete NC for 3 months. At the start of my R/S I used to chat to her and always wanted to see her, she said once "oh, cromwell, you managed it again, hook line and sinker"

I just saw it as silly talk, but these R/S really are about manipulation and mind games and not true emotional intimacy. Because every time you get close he will push you away for fear of engulfment. So if there is no emotional intimacy, he feels within his right to do what he wants elsewhere whenever he chooses it and doesnt carry the attached guilt.

I could go on forever about it but youve asked what my advice is and I try not to sound blunt or tactless, but you are vulnerable because of the shock of discovering it, as I was, and at the very least if you must speak to him at all, is to say, you need some time to yourself because you feel very shocked by the "rumours" call it that and just cant figure out how this has came out of nowhere.

Personally with the benefit of my own progression, the best thing I could have done was to have just went complete NC, but fully tell myself there is no future with this person due to how they have made me feel, as oppossed to what I could prove or (try to) rationalise, and then stuck to that. But I was weak and looking for any alternative available to deflect the pain, and it made my recovery far worse in the long term. Just so you know, the cheating was devastating, but in the big picture, what was to follow became a nightmare that I could have avoided. I wouldnt want anyone to go through the same, as this may not be the worst you can feel that you are going through now, there is nothing to say that it can "only get better" if you carry on.

 Id hope that at the very least, you tell him if you choose to speak to him that you need time alone to recover from the rumours that have been told about him. This avoids confronting him directly but also tells him that you are considering your needs first and foremost.