Feeling conflicted when thinking about ex and their new fling

[Tupla Sport]

So, I'm currently less than a week in from starting NC with ex, and my ex friend she seems to have ended up with. And the weird thing is that I'm now experiencing anxiety from...the lack of anxiety.

Thing is, when all of this came out, I was bombarded with a wide range of emotions. Going from "oh I'm sure they will be miserable together" to "I'm sure he will be a better fit for her than I was". And I think the latter feeling stuck, at least right now it feels like that.

The topic about red flags on this forum really pushed ne forward in my process. I re-remembered something really important and bad about her that made it easier for me to give up a lot of my limerent feelings for her. But in the process of feeling empowered and, well, happier, now that I think of the two my mind goes "huh, good for them". The spite is gone and am just sort of... over-accepting their thing. I have like rose-tinted glasses but second-hand, you know?

Like I'm picturing her, beaming with happiness with her new passive codep man by her side, never criticizing or putting her down. I see her getting into therapy and them living a loving life together.

I sincerily hope this is just my own brain hooked on magical thinking just spinning this tale out of thin air. Rationally they are more likely to become miserable than make it into a truly happy relationship, even if everything aligns magically. They both have unresolved issues, she is financially compromised and their whole relationship was hastily carved out of necessity.

Is my brain just choosing to rose-tint it instead of staying mad at them? Isn't the rational way forward to acknowledge that it ultimately doesn't matter if they make it or not, still having a pretty good idea of what kind of incredible challenges they will be facing? I think my brain is tricking me.

[kells76]

That's an interesting question, Tupla Sport:

Is my brain just choosing to rose-tint it instead of staying mad at them?

If that were true, what feeling(s) or process do you think your brain might be covering up or diverting from, by painting that picture for you?

Maybe the question could be phrased as:

"If I picture them as happy, then I don't stay mad at her. If I looked under the anger, I think I'd find ______________, and I might feel _____________"

Of course, this is just a thought experiment. So, try it on for size, and see if it's a helpful direction or not.

[Tupla Sport]

That's an interesting question, Tupla Sport:

If that were true, what feeling(s) or process do you think your brain might be covering up or diverting from, by painting that picture for you?

Maybe the question could be phrased as:

"If I picture them as happy, then I don't stay mad at her. If I looked under the anger, I think I'd find ______________, and I might feel _____________"

Of course, this is just a thought experiment. So, try it on for size, and see if it's a helpful direction or not.

Interesting. So far it feels like failed compartmentalization. Like I'm feeling better and everything in general is looking better. Could be just a way to give into the better feel. Like my brain would go "okay, he is going there, he is thinking about the two of them; better make it look like we think they're doing the right thing so he doesn't snap out of his new-found tranquility".

In an eery way it reminds me of the vibe I got from my ex when we officially broke up. She seemed tranquil and happy, after breaking up a serious and long-lasting relationship by monkey-branching.

Thing is though, I was just done asking somebody for a coffee date when these feelings started appearing in earnest. It could be that my mind tapped into the rebound energy coz I do feel elation now that the girl I asked agreed to the date.

The flood of hormones, man. Makes your brain do anything.

[SinisterComplex]

Interesting. So far it feels like failed compartmentalization. Like I'm feeling better and everything in general is looking better. Could be just a way to give into the better feel. Like my brain would go "okay, he is going there, he is thinking about the two of them; better make it look like we think they're doing the right thing so he doesn't snap out of his new-found tranquility".

In an eery way it reminds me of the vibe I got from my ex when we officially broke up. She seemed tranquil and happy, after breaking up a serious and long-lasting relationship by monkey-branching.

Thing is though, I was just done asking somebody for a coffee date when these feelings started appearing in earnest. It could be that my mind tapped into the rebound energy coz I do feel elation now that the girl I asked agreed to the date.

The flood of hormones, man. Makes your brain do anything.

Just be very careful with dating. Keep things light and just try to have fun. Most importantly understand that you have a while before you will feel normal and whole again. You are going to have days where this stuff hits you like a Hulk Smash! There is nothing you can do about it other than realize it is normal and is a part of the process.

If you want to try to at least help yourself move forward a touch faster I suggest you take up a new hobby that you are passionate about but have never done and make it something novel. The novel part is the important part. The reason for this is that the more novel a project or task is the more likely you are to be fully engaged with it and stick with it. There has be a bit of a challenge to it. Essentially I am teaching you how to program your mind. However, I leave it at that.

Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself...I will repeat this over and over because this is something commonly taken for granted.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Nal1234]

Just be very careful with dating. Keep things light and just try to have fun. Most importantly understand that you have a while before you will feel normal and whole again. You are going to have days where this stuff hits you like a Hulk Smash! There is nothing you can do about it other than realize it is normal and is a part of the process.

If you want to try to at least help yourself move forward a touch faster I suggest you take up a new hobby that you are passionate about but have never done and make it something novel. The novel part is the important part. The reason for this is that the more novel a project or task is the more likely you are to be fully engaged with it and stick with it. There has be a bit of a challenge to it. Essentially I am teaching you how to program your mind. However, I leave it at that.

Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself...I will repeat this over and over because this is something commonly taken for granted.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I haven't seen/ and I have been told no replacement. She went out partying on weekends without kids but that has calmed... apparently she's smoking now...hasn't done that in 20 years...I'm comfortable with the fact that I myself am not replaceable. No one she can find makes more money, would spend more money than me, and willing to spend It on her kids. Amazing vacations. Find another Uber driver or something to date...she's screwed because she will always be comparing to me...

And it still hurts a little. So I can only imagine how others feel here that don't have what I have.

[Buddy Joe]

Like I'm picturing her, beaming with happiness with her new passive codep man by her side, never criticizing or putting her down. I see her getting into therapy and them living a loving life together.

I've read that the best partner for someone who has BPD should also be someone who is codependent. But then again that's a recipe for disaster. It will just workout at the beginning but eventually their true colors will show and be the reason of other fights.

It won't be easy to keep thinking about them and overthinking since you're still in the process of healing. It's difficult to remove yourself from the picture since you were very much involved and invested. Only time will tell and it's only up to you how your journey will be.

[Tupla Sport]

I've read that the best partner for someone who has BPD should also be someone who is codependent. But then again that's a recipe for disaster. It will just workout at the beginning but eventually their true colors will show and be the reason of other fights.

It won't be easy to keep thinking about them and overthinking since you're still in the process of healing. It's difficult to remove yourself from the picture since you were very much involved and invested. Only time will tell and it's only up to you how your journey will be.

Yeah, it makes sense. I was an active codependent, as in, I was trying to establish boundaries and fend for myself. From what I gather he is the passive type who won't. At least not readily.

[Tupla Sport]

Last night in my dreams she texted me about all the sex they were having and giving me details. This morning I saw him waiting for a bus on a stop near my area. I do not know where he was going but it was away from my area. Probably running errands for her because he doesn't live or work near me. Unless he got a new apartment closer to her.

[SinisterComplex]

Last night in my dreams she texted me about all the sex they were having and giving me details. This morning I saw him waiting for a bus on a stop near my area. I do not know where he was going but it was away from my area. Probably running errands for her because he doesn't live or work near me. Unless he got a new apartment closer to her.

So dreams typically have subliminal meanings. If you had to step back and analyze your dreams what would you make of them? My point is to get in tune with your subconscious and listen.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Tupla Sport]

So Tupla Sport dreams typically have subliminal meanings. If you had to step back analyze your dreams what would you make of them? My point is to get in tune with your subconscious and listen.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

My take right now is that I'm sexually frustrated and on some level, want to have sex with her. She was my sexual supply for two years. A year and a half of that was condomless sex thanks to an IUD. That gradually stopped happening regularly and near the end of the relationship I felt sexually starved. I probably was using sex as means of regulation through the ups and downs of the rollercoaster. When she moved out, the fights did not automatically end in makeup sex and I grew frustrated. Even ended the relationship due to the rage that I got into after her cancelling our intimate plans almost out of the blue.