Recovery=U..some words from a person a year and half out

[Deleted]

I posted something yesterday that's worth mentioning. For those who do not know, I've been out of my relationship for about a year and 4 months in which there has been absolutely NC on either part and like all BPD relationship endings, it was tumultous and filled with animosity. During my one year of NC, I ruminated about her literally 24/7. I was so busy with internship, grad school, and work that I had absolutely no time and no one to talk to as I live a few hundred miles away from family. I had to sort out these emotions on my own. I barely went out due to my schedule, I didn't even kiss another girl until it was near my one year mark. I spent all holidays alone, to say the least, it was hell, a cold, hell spent in solitude, trapped in my own mind.

Now... .I can say that I'm leaps and bounds better. I got so fed up with that life that I stretched my legs out. I started hanging out with friends, having people over, DATING! and it's been great. The best part is that I don't think about her as often as I used to which makes me crack a smile from ear to ear. It's unbelievable how your life changes with a change of thinking

I would write this down often and it helped me... .

From my own experience when you ruminate, miss them, picture them as your soulmate ask yourself these questions

1. How would you have felt/looked if you stay? How will you look 5-10 years from now being with him/her?

2. What ailments would you have? IBS? Teeth grinding? Weight fluxuations? Binge eating? PTSD?

3. What could you have truly accomplished with them in your life?

4. Would you truly be happy? Or would you say "I've already invested so much, I rather not leave"

5. How would you FEEL about yourself? Are you worthless? or an actual human being deserving of an amazing partner who can reciprocate love?

6. It's a beautiful day outside, The sun is shining and the energy of the universe is flowing all around... .Will You even notice? or will you be sitting down on your couch bottling up all your emotions and feeling miserable because you are with him/her?

7. Why the f**K would you want to go through life another day "walking on eggshells"?

8. Being with them will rob you the opportunity of actually meeting the love of your life.

Most importantly, and many of you might not agree at but I see it this way, They have given you a gift... it's up to you to first realize that they have and then to find out what it is

Focus on yourself and most importantly, Find a healthy way to vent your frustration and find a place/people/person that you can vent to. In addition, sit with your emotions, drink a cup of tea with them and make sense of it all, and by that I mean make sense of WHY YOU STAYED. They are out of the equation. RECOVERY=(BPDX x YOU)/ (BPDX)  BPDEX is a constant soo... .RECOVERY= YOU!

[Findingmysong723]

 

[goldylamont]

^^ Recovery 101 -- take notes! 

[goldylamont]

maybe it would be a good idea to list out some of the gifts we got out of the r/s. here's the ones i can think of now:

**better diet (ex-crazy was a vegetarian)

**love of dogs (i'd never lived with one before, now i love dogs, so happy about this)

**i'm much more confident being in a long term r/s now. i wasn't a complete rake or anything, but definitely this past r/s slowed me down with women and showed me that i can be loving, faithful and caring over the long term (which i was less sure of before)

**first time living with romantic partner--check! and discovering i actually enjoyed this a lot.

**i kept the beautiful apartment/her broke ass had to go  . i love where i live which makes me happy and this is the first time i've lived completely alone in my life which is great.

i don't think that's too bad a list to pull out of the cauldron of poo. anyone else? and, thanks Deleted!

[Suzn]

Most importantly, and many of you might not agree at but I see it this way, They have given you a gift... it's up to you to first realize that they have and then to find out what it is

RECOVERY= YOU!

Agreed. This relationship was truly a gift and that was to realize how codependent I was, what that really meant, the depth, where it all started (in my childhood) and what I could do now to change MY behaviors so that I could have healthy relationships. Be it friends, family or a SO. I learned about myself with the help of these boards and my T that I had few boundaries and that that started long before I met my ex, that I needed to build my confidence and self worth. That I had to focus on my behaviors and my growth instead of focusing on hers. That I stayed because I wanted a family and that I was a lonely person prior to this encounter. That has all changed and for that this was very much a gift.

Great post deleted, so glad to hear you are doing well.   

[Bananas]

Most importantly, and many of you might not agree at but I see it this way, They have given you a gift... it's up to you to first realize that they have and then to find out what it is

YES!  I am slowly coming to the place where I am grateful.  I remember right after the breakup thinking... .i wish i never met him!  Not anymore, the lesson was so so worth it!  Now I am discovering that I am going to be an improved person coming out of this.  I am actually happy to be alone, but if I find someone, I know it will be a healthy relationship. 

Thank you deleted!

and goldylamont, i love this, i'm stealing it.   

the cauldron of poo

[Clearmind]

   nice one Deleted - great hearing from 'ole timers' who have come out the other side - thanks for taking the time to share.

[toomanytears]

Great post deleted. This is such a reality check:

From my own experience when you ruminate, miss them, picture them as your soulmate ask yourself these questions

1. How would you have felt/looked if you stay? How will you look 5-10 years from now being with him/her?

2. What ailments would you have? IBS? Teeth grinding? Weight fluxuations? Binge eating? PTSD?

3. What could you have truly accomplished with them in your life?

4. Would you truly be happy? Or would you say "I've already invested so much, I rather not leave"

5. How would you FEEL about yourself? Are you worthless? or an actual human being deserving of an amazing partner who can reciprocate love?

6. It's a beautiful day outside, The sun is shining and the energy of the universe is flowing all around... . Will You even notice? or will you be sitting down on your couch bottling up all your emotions and feeling miserable because you are with him/her?

7. Why the f**K would you want to go through life another day "walking on eggshells"?

8. Being with them will rob you the opportunity of actually meeting the love of your life.

I've wasted so much time out of 31 years of marriage thinking about my H and making myself miserable.

[Deleted]

glad it can help you all. Just spreading some knowledge I acquired during my rough time. I still tumble here and there but it's not as bad and what's best is that I STOPPED  thinking about what could of been. I cut the cord to my BPDex in my mind, the one who is loving and BPD free. Good luck!

[mcc503764]

Great words, as they ring so true!

I personally cannot tell you how great of a feeling it is once I actually began living MY life again!  Being able to be the person that I am and doing what makes ME happy!

She still crosses my mind, but it is rather few and far between... .It feels wonderful to actually look to your own personal future!  I haven't felt this in years!  There are still moments, as I said, but it's getting better everyday!

When I reflect, honestly reflect, literally every aspect of my life has improved greatly without her!  That's the telltale sign for ME!

MCC

[OTB]

Great post, deleted! Where is the "like" button when you need it?

[toomanytears]

I just wish I could feel optimistic about the future. I'm going through severe cold turkey being without him at the moment and it's agony.

[wrigley52]

Thank you great post i am going to print and when i need it pull it out to look at really helped!

[KE151]

So very true. All of it. Thank you for sharing.

I'm now 19+ mos out of my BPD experience no 1 and 6 mos out of No 2. Somehow I truly needed to go through the No 2 experience. I "got" myself so much better now, and the recovery has been more rapid. I still ruminate but I can snap myself out of it. It feels empowering. I feel like I've had ME 2.0 just installed on my hard drive. With PD detection standard.

[purpleavocado]

Thank you for your wisdom!  And congrats on how far you've come!

I am only four months out and still LC. I've been thinking a lot about figuring out why I stayed for so long... .that's the toughest to unravel.

[confusedhubby]

@Deleted.

Thank you for sharing. That was one of the more uplifting posts I have read on these boards.

Very well thought out.

Keep up the great work!

[toomanytears]

I just wish I could feel optimistic about the future. I'm going through severe cold turkey being without him at the moment and it's agony.

Just coming out of three days cold turkey - mistake to contact him, then I watched a video of him(he's an academic) presenting his work online: emotional spiral. No contact at all is the only way forward. Thank you @deleted for your uplifting post - it gives me hope, but I mustn't expect too much of myself at first.

[confusedhubby]

@Deleted.

I awoke this morning feeling kind of bad / confused about my situation. Then I went and reread your pot and it really helped a great deal! I even went and printed it out and posted it above my monitor to remind me.

Thank you for an inspirational post. Helped me get through the day.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Deleted.  Life is a lot calmer without walking on egg shells all the time!  Lucky Jim

[Deleted]

Toomanytears,

I had the pleasure of seeing a picture of her with her new boy toy and some sexual caption a month or two after we broke up a friend sent me the pic, it was hell, you probably know that pain and just nest of negative emotions.

Truthfully, life is and will get better its extremely hard at first. I didn't realize that it was a ""gift"" an opportunity for immense personal growth and maturity. I didn't realize why I stayed at first. Until you do, which you will in time, it will be hard at least from my experience. However, IT DOESA GET BETTER. Life is too short for that sh1t. I don't want to walk on eggshells and carry dead weight around, my own deadweight (my issues) and her own issues as well. I wish you & everyone the best!

[numbr3]

Thank you!  Thank you! Deleted.

It is so easy for me to think I am missing out on something wonderful not being married to him anymore. Crazy me!

You reminded me of the IBS, chest pains, nail biting, anxiety attacks when he raged, insomnia, weight loss and migraines.  I even got rid of the forehead wrinkles between my eyes from the constant tension and stress!

[Deleted]

numbr3,

I suffered from weird ailments, chest pains, huge headaches/ jaw pain most likely from grinding my teeth. The worst had to be IBS, I lost weight, felt tired yet I kept going. *Sigh* never again. Lesson learned.

It's not love once you start sacrificing your own well-being for a person who is the major if not sole reason why you're feeling the way you are! It's not healthy on BOTH parties.

[Antmar]

What we all have to remember is that will not be any different with the next person , if anything they just get worse hence we MUST get it into our heads that we are loyal , kind and genuine people and its not us that are truelly suffering it is them irrespective how they have behaved what they have done accept they are damaged ( sad ) and we can and WILL move onto bigger and better things ... .Feel good moment ? Close your eyes and imagine somewhere down the track you being in a relationship with a BPD free partner LOOKS GOOD HUH ! Now close your eyes and imagine them in a relationship ? How sad does that LOOK ? ... .Feel sorry for them just don't let it rule your heart ... .Love them from afar... .

[toomanytears]

Thanks for your kind words deleted. I do believe things will get better and friends have been very supportive as has this board. Doing positive, replenishing things works to change my mindset and if I'd gone to the gym for a swim instead of sitting moping looking at the garden with a glass of wine and too many cigarettes I would have felt alot better. Great to get feedback, thanks

[toomanytears]

Oh and funnily enough, since I switched sides of the bed to his side, now empty of course (I never liked sleeping on the right) my back pain has gone.

[Deleted]

Antmar, that was a huge fear of mine during my struggle. Will she realize her mistakes? Her behavior? Will she realize that she can't come back to me so she'll just put more effort into her next relationship?

You must realize that it's a Herculean task to change ourselves and whatever issue we may have had. It took a nightmare relationship with a BPD to strip us naked and show us our own issues. 

Now... .that's perhaps one problem from childhood or somewhere down in life... .could you Imagine the deeply, DEEPLY, rooted issues a pwBPD has? They frantically run away from their own shadow to avoid looking within. My BPDex knew she had problems, went to a therapist once or twice and that's it. She quickly gave up on that. Now? She just jumps from one relationship, to ___ buddy, to boyfriend, to hopeless loving relationship, to ___buddy, because she desperately needs validation and someone/something to get her mind off of it. Bottom line is, if its that hard to change ourselves, could you imagine how colossal it must be for a pwBPD to change themselves? Damn near impossible that's why they hurt so many people because they just keep going in circles.


What's better is that we can acknowledge our mistakes and work on them. They won't, therefore the likelihood of them being better next time with person A B and C is very very slim. we should focus on how we can be better next time. What I mean is, how can we improve ourselves for the next relationship so we have healthy boundaries and a healthy tolerance level!