Got A Christmas Card Today From The Kids' Mom

[Turkish]

She gave it to me today after a breakfast exchange.  The relevant section: "may God grant you the happiness you deserve.  The happiness I was too selfish to be a part of." She gave me a gift card,  too. I didn't get her anything. 

She's telegraphing turning a corner? I had the kids for a week.  Took off work.  I took the kids and their mom out to lunch Saturday and a movie and she watched the kids for a couple of hours while I went into work to check on my machines. No conflict.  Kids seem better.  I "don't ask,  don't tell" about her H, but he hasn't been around,  at least when the kids are.  The former is none of my business,  but the latter is a little given the extreme conflict a year ago that the kids witnessed.  I had to run something over I them tonight.  I thanked her for the card. No hugs, just acknowledgement.  She did give me a hug when I picked up the kids Christmas day.

What she wrote got me thinking.  My natural reaction was,  "I'm not happy.  Happiness isn't for guys like me; only duty and obligation.  I'll do what needs to be done as I always have."

Boy have I got the "duty" thing down! 

If I dropped dead tomorrow,  the kids would be set up.  They'd still have to work and have careers,  but they would get a sizeable inheritance only they could screw up.  There's a verse in Proverbs about that (minus the kids screwing up part).

Maybe I don't know how to be happy? Maybe I think the concept is stupid.  Maybe,  just maybe,  it's ok to be like this.  Safe in some kind of limbo.  I do think that it's ok not to be like this,  and that it's also ok to change.  It's ok to be where you are.

[drained1996]

I'll agree, it's ok to be where you are. 

Then I'd ask, is this where you want to be?

My natural reaction was,  "I'm not happy.  Happiness isn't for guys like me; only duty and obligation.  I'll do what needs to be done as I always have."

I think you deserve to be happy... .and many here or who have been here would concur. 

[EdR]

Hi Turkish! I am sorry you feel this way. I think you might want to redefine the concept of happiness: is it just, as she would suggest, r/s centered?  Is it in a way always about her?

Or could your happiness also come from seeing your kids? There is not just obligation towards them. There is also love. And that love brings you happiness!

Now don't think that I am writing this just to make you feel better. Don't think that you should feel like a Disney  movie character. I am writing this after a terrible night: I didn't sleep at all. I decided not to be first in wishing all my 'friends'  a happy New Year.  I somehow knew this already, but guess how many texts or phone calls I got apart from my parents and siblings?
NONE!
The entire night my life seemed to have become worthless. I don't feel happy and I do not know anymore how I could become happy. Whatever I do, it seems to be extremely one-sided when I need my friends most. Guess who was different... .yeah... she was, my pwBPD. I am in a very bad place this morning...

But I am still loved by my family. And their love is unconditional. Although I am not happy, that does bring me some degree of happiness.

So don't forget that. Because that is even more true for your kids.

[sweetheart]

Hi Turkish,

When was the last time you remember feeling happy?
Oh and define 'guy like you... .'

[Pretty Woman]

Turkish,
  You are a responsible, loving father. She (your ex) knows that. She also deep down knows she could never add or contribute to any happiness in your life, at least not for long without destroying it.

Sometimes there are moments of "clarity" in there. I've seen it first hand. As I mentioned... .moments... .they are usually fleeting and usually, they resort back to their BPD chaos, but they are human beings and sometimes we forget that.

You've worked hard to get where you are now, in your healing. I've been on here several years and I can see your progress, you are in a much more aware, grounded and in a sounder state. You've put in hard work on yourself and it shows.

I understand where you are coming from in regards to your happiness comment. There are days I feel empty and I think it's because I confused "chaos" with "feeling". Even when things were going to He_ _, even when I wanted to die, I felt something. Without her chaos in my life sometimes I feel bored.

Sometimes the silence is deafening.

I am not sure how you find true happiness. I would think it's inside of you, doing something or being with people who bring you joy. I think you have to sometimes work at it to be happy. Step outside your comfort zone, try to find time just for you, sans the kids and obligations. Do you have any hobbies or passions? This year, after putting it off for ten years I am taking a sitcom writing course. I am excited to learn all I can, meet new people and venture into the city every weekend. It's been a long time coming but writing is a passion I put off when I met my ex. I am happy just thinking about this class! Is there anything you can start up again or start (that you've always wanted to do) that might lead to happiness?

[Turkish]

This week, I'd be on the back porch, for instance. D5 would come and say, ":)addy? I love you!" I got her Rollerblades for Christmas and we were out several times to practice.  

As for "guys like me?" Responsibility. I feel responsible for everybody,  but I have no one to fall back upon.

I told my ex this evening about my 2009 car with the randomly activating alarm. "You should buy a new car. You could afford it! Or you could pay off my car (a 2013 I got her into by putting $1k down) so I could get a new one!"

Given the stock market,  if only she knew what I could afford... .she might take me to court.  Car rich, cash poor. Typical American attitude.  It did make me laugh though.

I just got a call from my mom's former neighbor.  At least she didn't swear at me this time,  but she told me I should be ashamed of myself. I can only handle so much, but I'll call adult protective services tomorrow to see what's going on and updateb the former neighbor.  I kept this call down to half an hour.  The last was 2 hours, many months ago.  So guys like me? Everyone seeming to demand something of me,  emotionally or physically.

My T said over two years ago that "sometimes the strong are expected to protect the weak" I can deal with the kids... .it's the adults that become too much.  

The thing that sucks is that due to my FOO, I sought this out in adults. My ex isn't a problem at least for now,  separated, no police activity or emotional terrorism the kids witness this year.  Calm for now (for now). Now to deal with my mother.  

"No one is coming to rescue us" I saw a very senior member once say.

Pausing and taking things one day at a time,  I think,  helps.  

[Tobiasfunke]

I relate to what both of PW and Turkish are saying. I often feel empty. I feel I should  be happy with how well things are going with my family and my ex. I feel I should keep my head down and plow ahead to maintain the home and stability. I also feel I should purse more hobbies, interests and alone time to focus on me. Not looking for happiness outside of me.


But. I was recently in a very healthy loving relationship. Things came to end due to different places in life. She moving across country for her PhD, me staying to raise my 2 boys 11/8 who I share with exwBPD. This was the first real relationship I had post divorce. I have learned that such relationships are often followed by very difficult ends due to unresolved issues from the divorce. You could imagine how the issues from a BPD amplifies this.
  My recent relationship with this person was unmatched. I am a better father friend human for this relationship. I have never been that “happy” for lack of a better word ever. Her mother is BPD, she knew first hand much of I had gone through. After helping her move and me returning home I have come to the conclusion that a probably never feel that way again. But Turkish if that feeling is out there even if for a short period of time I beg you to go after it. Don’t shy away or decide it will not align with your sense of duty and devotion to you children. I do long for her. I miss her terribly. But I would not trade one second I spent with her. I rarely think of my ex BPD. I get frustrated with life that I am unable to be with my true love. But I am so thankful for our time together. I only hope that we all find this.  Someone smarter than me said
Life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had but not preserved. Only in memory. Like your daughter roller skating with her father watching, you deserve a memory of pure happiness exclusive of your kids or work or whoever else is leaning on you for your support. It’s not being selfish or derelict of your duties.

[sweetheart]

No one is coming to rescue us" I saw a very senior member once say.

Ooohh that was a punch to the gut it resonated so much with me.

I want to respond with something insightful and supportive, but what you so succinctly highlight in your last reply is that what you describe is what many of us on here face.

I have no issues with my h at the moment, but that's because he's in the hospital system, but issues have arisen with my ma and sister again. And back and forth we go.

I felt for the first time in a long time this holiday period that I wanted someone to be behind me to catch me if I fall. Problem is there isn't anyone, there never has been. I just got to good at not falling over the years. I'm tired though, sometimes I'd like to fall down.

Kudos to you Turkish for your stoicism and honesty.

[Fie]

Hi Turkish,

I feel responsible for everybody,  but I have no one to fall back upon.

I understand what you mean. I have the same feeling oftentimes.

Everyone seeming to demand something of me,  emotionally or physically.

Why is that you think ?
Could it be possible that you are so empathic that you don't brush people off so easily ? Take f.e. the example of your mum's neighbor. Don't you think that most people would tell this neighbor to mind their own business and put down the phone after a few sentences ? With all the history of your mum and her neighbors ?


I used to think that happiness was nothing for me, too. I started to see light when I learned to live more into the 'here and now'. In case you're interested :

https://palousemindfulness.com/

xxx

[EdR]

Hi Turkish,


I understand what you mean. I have the same feeling oftentimes.


Why is that you think ?
Could it be possible that you are so empathic that you don't brush people off so easily ? Take f.e. the example of your mum's neighbor. Don't you think that most people would tell this neighbor to mind their own business and put down the phone after a few sentences ? With all the history of your mum and her neighbors ?


I used to think that happiness was nothing for me, too. I started to see light when I learned to live more into the 'here and now'. In case you're interested :

https://palousemindfulness.com/

xxx

For what it's worth, both quotes resonate strongly with me as well. I guess it resonates for a lot of the members here. We were interesting for our pwBPDs due to our role as caretaker.

Although I still see that as a virtue, it also seems to be both a blessing and a curse... .

[Turkish]

#8 Fie: 1 hour 52 minute convo with former neighbor just now. I tried to hang up several times.  I think I'm lonely or might have a problem 

At least I ended it ok after she telling me she was ashamed of me and mad at me several times.  She at least apologized to me for being angry at the end. I dug into the validating tools here.    I'll post on C&H tomorrow about it. 

[Fie]

Dear Turkish :

Poor you  :-)

But on a more serious note, why do you do this ?
I think you do know that she's exagerating, and that you are under no means obligated to take this kind of cr... , and most certainly not during 1h52mins.

What do you think ? Do you like this empathic side of yourself so much (understandable, I love empathy in people), that you are willing to go this far ?

[Turkish]

Fie: I feel the need to soothe people,  to make everything right or ok,  even as in this instance that I had nothing to do with the situation.  I know that gets us into trouble and drama... .

[Fie]

I understand that.


What do you think sooths neighbor more :

- talking for 1h52mins about the issue
- you saying 'oo thanks for letting me know ! I will look into that. Have a good evening' - Turkish hangs up phone.

Which one of the 2 will install more peace of mind into neighbor ?

[Turkish]

I think she would have kept calling me if I had cut her off.  The only risk would be the small county they live in.  But then more people know of me than her.  I'll take this over to C&H... .

Going to the coast with the kids and their mom tomorrow.  I haven't seen them since Monday.  Here's to it going well  

[Turkish]

Had a pleasant day with the kids and their mom.  No issues other than D5 being a princess and throwing one of her quiet tantrums. Ex asked me financial advice for her dad.  I felt safe enough to tell her the drama with my mom (she asked). She wasn't validating,  but she listened.  I didn't ask about her H, but she told me that she'd never again get into the position of being the provider in a r/s, which she was.  She thanked me for driving.  No hugs goodbye.

We last did that trip as a family 5 years ago.  It was a bit odd,  but I was OK.