jealousy triggers? sexual triggers?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hey guys. i thought i might share on some things that ive been exploring in my self healing work. for some years now ive had certain sexual hang ups as u might say or even uncomfortability with hearing about sexual topics in an objectifying manner even in jokes and stuff. in my relationships this has often manifested as jealousy triggers too. its almost like feeling like i am the prude and am intimidated by my female partners comfortability with her sexual prowess. i didnt always have this. in fact it started around 20 when i started getting anxiety. before this i didnt feel in any way sexually repressed or traumatized as u will. this hasnt caused me to not be physically intimate and i very much enjoy it but i can still easily feel triggered or intimidated. i really want to get rid of this so that it doesnt leak over into my future relationships. america is a pretty hypersexual culture and so i need to be able to not be triggered constantly. at the same time i have some pretty strong values about how to carry myself in terms of dignity and respect and that i find that attractive in female counterparts as well but without it having a streak of sexual repression from fear. although i have this fear i also hold these values without being too prudish as you will. sometimes its hard to discern where the motivation is coming from though...fear or value. anyway can anyone relate and do you have any advice?

[sebian77]

hey guys. i thought i might share on some things that ive been exploring in my self healing work. for some years now ive had certain sexual hang ups as u might say or even uncomfortability with hearing about sexual topics in an objectifying manner even in jokes and stuff. in my relationships this has often manifested as jealousy triggers too. its almost like feeling like i am the prude and am intimidated by my female partners comfortability with her sexual prowess. i didnt always have this. in fact it started around 20 when i started getting anxiety. before this i didnt feel in any way sexually repressed or traumatized as u will. this hasnt caused me to not be physically intimate and i very much enjoy it but i can still easily feel triggered or intimidated. i really want to get rid of this so that it doesnt leak over into my future relationships. america is a pretty hypersexual culture and so i need to be able to not be triggered constantly. at the same time i have some pretty strong values about how to carry myself in terms of dignity and respect and that i find that attractive in female counterparts as well but without it having a streak of sexual repression from fear. although i have this fear i also hold these values without being too prudish as you will. sometimes its hard to discern where the motivation is coming from though...fear or value. anyway can anyone relate and do you have any advice?

[Cromwell]

You go through all this attempt to change, become more smutty, less prude.

The next girl you have would have preferred a guy that was more like the original you.

What then?

[sebian77]

That’s a great point Cromwell! And don’t get me wrong I don’t want to compromise on my values but I see exactly what ur saying. In a lot of ways I don’t fit in to this hyper sexual culture. I look for depth of intimacy these days more and more interested in developing relationships than one night stand after one night stand as so many do. What ur implying tho is what my gut is telling me. I need to not be so hard on myself for feeling certain triggers. It’s just that they can really hurt when I feel these things. We’re also taught in our society not to be vulnerable with others even with our weaknesses or we won’t be loved. At the same time being vulnerable is what let’s love in really. I guess to an extent I’m beating myself up because the break up is fresh but despite my jealousy triggers I think one of the things that made the relationship beautiful in the ways it was good was vulnerability at times. She also gave me many reasons to feel jealous and I have a huge part in it too but most women do not put up red flags all over the place like that to make one feel paranoid. I need to not just assume the next relationship will be that same way. I want to stick true to myself and honestly a lot of things I felt triggered by were for good reason and r not things supposed to happen in a healthy relationship. For the longest time in the early part of the relationship I completely blamed myself for it all

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Seb-

I’m an older woman, 62, so maybe I’m the wrong person to be responding here, but from speaking to my nieces who are in their early 20’s, things are NOT always as they appear in “hyper-sexual” America.   And I wasn’t always this old.  The pressure may be on, so to speak, but there are young woman who move swiftly against that current.  They don’t pile on the make-up and are natural beauties inside and out.  And the same would go for young men like you.

This thread brought some interest to me for a personal reason.  I’ve never discussed any of my past with ANY man.  My ex-H (19 years) never asked me and I never asked him.  It was a “given” that we both had a past.  I was 33 when we met and he was almost 39.

My recent ex uBPD/NPDbf never spoke of his past for nearly 6.5 years.  And then one night he went on a talking spree about his exploits and would not stop.  I couldn’t believe my ears.  I quietly asked him to stop.  He didn’t.  I lost my attraction for him that night.  Completely lost it, and I could NOT get it back.  And I’m not a jealous person, per se.  I didn’t “see” him with other people, I just could no longer see him with ME.  This handsome man turned “ugly” before my eyes. 

So you see, Seb... it happens.  TMI is NOT a good thing.  The past, especially around sexual exploits, needs to stay there.  If it adds nothing to a current relationship, it can be very very destructive.

Your values are yours.  And your boundaries represent your values.  Cherish and keep them.  Being vulnerable with a person doesn’t mean disclosing things that have the potential to instill insecurity or distrust.  Especially when you make your wishes well known.

You’re doing such good, important and healing work.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[sebian77]

wow gems for eyes im so glad u replied! Your post honestly makes me feel better in alot of ways. Its good to know there r many women out there with the same values as me like that even in their early 20s. i am currently 28. i have met some of these women too in my day to day. its just easy to forget sometimes when the media and so many others bombard you with these ideas of lust knowing no bounds so to speak and i dont mean that in a religious sense but truly it is way overboard and frankly immoral in my opinion! not the way to happiness. its so cool to hear that u have that same value. I honestly dont like speaking about my past to my partners. i purposefully did not mention many of these things to my ex. i knew some of it would upset her if she knew. the part that messed me up in the head was she told me WAY TOO MUCH INFO about her past within the first couple days if not week or two weeks. throughout our 5 month relationship i CONSTANTLY had to remind her to not talk about her raunchy past so much. she was not sleeping with everything that moves but her past wasnt very squeaky clean (and thats okay) but i dont want to hear about it. i would reiterate youre with me now. i dont want to hear about people you previously slept with especially in a light of knowing too much about your intimacy. that was the final straw for me when we split. she didnt seem to care about my triggers and would often bring them up on purpose. she did this one night after we had been fighting and i was just done. she didnt care. everything was about her image. there was no realness and empathy towards me. i think i have a little bit of shame that may be unnessecary because the last two women i dated did way too much tmi. i have lowered my standards to fulfill a loneliness that i need to work on in myself. the part that ripped me up was i was attracted to my recent bpd ex because she seemed to exhibit alot of the traits i looked for but much of it seemed to be a facade. shes christian and i am not but we had many of the same values of just carrying yourself with dignity. i dont party anymore. no alcohol or drugs. im just looking for real intimate relationships. she dressed with class and style and talked as if she behaved that way. in many ways she did but other ways she was not that way at all and thrived off of physical validation and attention walking around like she was a pornstar or supermodel. our intimacy lacked any real depth of emotion. it was all a show and much of it to feed her ego of being magnificent at sex. thank you for the reassurance. i will choose to keep these values and not lower them. i think vulnerability is a beautiful thing in a relationship. i dont think she was being vulnerable though by telling me all these things i did not need to know. i think that was a lack of respect and empathy towards me and one of the last times we talked she asked if we could get back together and she learned her lesson to not talk about the past. took 5 months to see that. thats not okay. thats lack of empathy. but ya there r other people out there like me looking for something real. thank u so much!

[once removed]

different girls respond to different things.

there were relationships that i could have lengthened had i had sex with them. at this stage in my life (and i cant always have said this), i dont regret not making that move.

at the same time, there were gals that definitely werent looking for me to initiate sex, but liked me, and couldnt read my signals and concluded i wasnt interested.

at the same time i have some pretty strong values about how to carry myself

what are they?

[Cromwell]

Hi Sebian

I know you see this as a fear - the worry of it happening. But it already did - you experienced it, the drop of the sword, not just the fear of it happening.

I had to watch her going through her phone for half an hour showing me her picture collection and given a non-commentary tour of her exs.

inappropiate, I think so. lack of empathy, probably. At times I wanted to vomit, part of me was also curious - I didnt say much, just observed with curiosity.

What im saying is - we experienced this stuff, at that moment the actual "worry" of that fear was gone - it was happening. And here you are, you got through it?

So why worry for what you have already achieved. Just interested how you see this.


“Under the sword lifted high, There is hell making you tremble. But go ahead, And you have the land of bliss.”

― Miyamoto Musashi

[sebian77]

Once removed, my values are to not bring my past into a current relationship as far as intimacy matters and also to be discerning about who i get involved with intimately. i even avoid social media cuz of all the thirst and craziness on there. im honestly still figuring out my values but id say in some ways im traditional in terms of im simple, monogamous, and desiring of deep connection. at the same time i know im not perfect and noone is perfect and we all have our instincts. over time im getting more comfortable in believing in my values and being okay with having different values than the average guy my age. i honestly found its helped me have closer relationships the past few years and even helped me with women really. but i think the best thing is i feel i can sleep at night. this is something im not gonna figure out over night

[sebian77]

Thats a great question cromwell and honestly its hard to say but i see ur point. i guess the right thing to do is to try to move on and itll all come into perspective later. honestly its just the memories of the emotions evoked in me from these situations. very very uncomfortable feelings but i guess it is time to let go of it. its been tugging at my head too much