She asked for divorce and is still having me run her kids around?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ok, so she asked for a divorce and has gone NC... .accept to send me texts to grab one of her kids here or there and to make dinner because she has parent teacher confidences... .

Ok, nothing is finalized as she just asked yesterday... .but at what point do I say, "sorry no can do I'm busy?"

NS

[NewStart]

Ok, so she asked for a divorce and has gone NC... .accept to send me texts to grab one of her kids here or there and to make dinner because she has parent teacher confidences... .

Ok, nothing is finalized as she just asked yesterday... .but at what point do I say, "sorry no can do I'm busy?"

NS

[fromheeltoheal]

at what point do I say, "sorry no can do I'm busy?"

Whenever you decide to take your power back NS.  How does the thought of doing that feel?

[NewStart]

Well now I really want to, because I'm out on my third trip, fed her kids too and she been done with parent teacher conferances for sure... .but no response from her... .just the request texted to me... .then nothing back... .no thank you... .nothing... .

Sorry, I getting kind of mad and why am I still letting her do this to me?

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry, I getting kind of mad and why am I still letting her do this to me?

Anger can be your friend right now, and why are you letting her?

[NewStart]

I guess I'm letting her do it because I'm afraid she use it as more justification ammo if I don't... .also, I'm afraid she'll make the whole divorce process uglier if she feels slighted too... .

But I think starting next week, I will graciously be busy as this feels like garbage to me... .I'd never do the same... .and be out and about NC while I run her kids... .totally a tool to keep me off balance, and it's just rude... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you NewStart, we will support you as you set and enforce new boundaries.

[Skip]

You might be getting drawn into the game... .don't let your instincts take you there.

You have a decision to make - do you want to leave the door open for reconciliation on her terms (not her terms for the relationship, but her initiating the reconciliation) or do you want to hasten the severance? Is child alienation going to help this?

Be the man of the house. Don't get into a tit for tat. If this is the end, this stage will pass soon. Don't be a doormat. Don't be petty, either,

The normal way to handle this is to communicate on how to live together for the near future. Accept her reasonable requests, and ask her to accept yours. Agree upfront (negotiate) the assignment of duties.

If she doesn't want to communicate, then just sen her a list of what you will do (be fair) and say that you work by this unless she wants to sit down and do a list together.

Not easy, I know.

Don't over react. You are only a day or two into this.

[One key]

Your question was: why are you letting her do this to you.

My guessing of possible reasons

1) you might have hopes to continue the relationship and by offering her services this might be easier to realize
2) out of compassion for her children who might not have other places to go
3) out of compassion for her because after all you see her as a sick person and sick persons one is tended to help.

Number three is the easiest to solve.
Depending on how your telationship with her children is, number two might be the most difficult. 

[NewStart]

Ok,so sounds like it's important to not just drop this ball all together as that would be petty and close the door 100% while creating potential strife.

That is probably the advice I will take... .but I have to say I'm soo exhausted with the game and getting orders then silent treatment and no thanks for any of it... .hard to not want to be a doormats in this process anymore.

So yes, it's early in the process so probably don't want to light a stick of dynamite yet, but I'm going to reassess each week and adjust accordingly. For example, if I'm getting the silent treatment and she starts wanting to use me as a sittler on the weekend so she can go out at night... .not going to be rolling with that.

I don't know, does that seem reasonable?

[SoMadSoSad]

For example, if I'm getting the silent treatment and she starts wanting to use me as a sittler on the weekend so she can go out at night... .not going to be rolling with that.

I don't know, does that seem reasonable?

I would ask her this very question.

[NewStart]

SoMadSoSad,

I wish it were that easy, but I've asked questions like this before and I always get the same reaction... .I'm selfish, I don't love her kids, she never gives me the silent treatment she's busy and I'm over reacting... .you get the picture... .

Ask her to reciprocate and run my boys, feed them or go to their games... .oh yeah it's a big huff, a flat out refusal as she "busy", have them walk/ride a bike or nah that's not my bag... .

It's that piece of no empathy and the expectation that what she says is law and if yo don't follow it there will be repercussions.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's helpful to focus on the goal NS, and make decisions from that place.  You mention when she asked for a divorce you felt a sense of relief, which I can completely relate to, so what is the goal, and what do you need to do, who do you need to be, to achieve it as smoothly as possible, realizing "smooth" in this situation is totally relative?

[Skip]

I don't know, does that seem reasonable?

It sounds, respectfully, confused. I'm being very frank because you are in a very critical period in your life.

You wife has been unhappy (rightfully or completely absurdly). You tried to fix it and it didn't go well. OK. End of round 1.

She has asked for a divorce and suggested calling around to to a mediator to meet and divide assets. This is not getting a divorce. This is talking about getting a divorce.  This is saying I am flooded and can't take anymore.

It is, however, not getting a divorce. It's not moving on with another man. Its not child alienation. It's not locking you out of the house. OK? End of round 2.

It's now round 3. This is not over. Instead of worrying about the unfairness picking up the kids (as you have done in the past) or paying the water bill this month, I suggest staying focused on the bigger picture and do nothing in the day to day actions that make this worse. It can get far worse and fast.

If you are done, or think you should be done, I'd say something very different. But you're not saying that. You're saying the opposite. You're struggling with the lack of control and uncertainty. And you are getting emotionally caught up in the small stuff. Your instincts (as anyone might be in this situation) are self sabotaging.

You don't know where this stands. That is hard. She probably doesn't really know either:

• She could be close to being done.
• She could just be needing to have space to process.
• She could just be upset about something and need time to get to baseline.

Remember, she has emotional regulation issues. If you think you are struggling to handle the uncertainty and triggering behavior, remember, she has half your skills.

I'll say this part again. If you are done, or think you should be done, the advise would be very different. But you're not saying that. You're saying the opposite. You are reacting to the rejection and the silent treatment (which is dysfunctional coping, no question), and you are sliding down to her level of functioning.

Man up. This is hard. Stay cool. There are kids involved. A marriage. Families.  This thing is balanced on a thread right now. It might fall off on its own - but it will surely fall off if you cut the string or let of herd of wild hogs into the room.

What would I do if I had you goals and the cards you are holding? Let things cool down. give her space. Don't engage in the drama.

1. Open a thread on how to deal with silent treatment.

2. Quietly, go talk to a lawyer (so you don't get blindsided).

3. Use the time to look back on what has gone wrong and who was doing what and what you might do differently if this goes another round. Access if this a relationship that can work if she is willing to try... .or is it just not a good marriage and time to let go.

One last time. If you are done, or think you should be done my advice should be ignored.

[patientandclear]

NS, I think the missing question here is do YOU want to remain married to someone who treats you that way?

The other night she hit you etc in a jealous reaction after trick or treating. The next day she sent an apologetic note. You got feedback on the other board about how to try to seize the moment and allow for repair. You were met with more withdrawal and divorce posturing and now (ironically) seeking to take you and your goodwill toward her and her kids for granted.

Assuming you want to stay in the marriage, letting the individual insults and offenses roll off may be necessary and advisable. But that's the approach worked on on other boards. For this board: DO YOU want a marriage where this is how it goes? This question belongs to you alone. Your wife's needs and desires are not the only ones that matter.

Small adjustments and boundaries aren't producing immediate tranquility in your household. Her reactions could be extinction burst stuff (again, that possibility might be better discussed on other boards).  You can keep playing it out and see if it changes. But if it doesn't--if this is the basic pattern--would you want to remain in the marriage? Important for you to know the answer.

[NewStart]

Ok, so I'm obviously conflicted and probably completely insane to think there is any real "light" at the end of this tunnel... .

Why do we struggle so mightily to just let go? To see that CLEARLY this is super unhealthy and that no matter what WE say or do we will not be able to affect change in the pwBPD/NPD's behaviors?  This is my second time in a BPD/NPD relationship and I know the story, the longer we hang on the uglier the ending... .but for some damn reason, I can't let go?

Confused and hoping for picture that has more clarity after the weekend... .

[Kelli Cornett]

Ok, so I'm obviously conflicted and probably completely insane to think there is any real "light" at the end of this tunnel... .

Why do we struggle so mightily to just let go? To see that CLEARLY this is super unhealthy and that no matter what WE say or do we will not be able to affect change in the pwBPD/NPD's behaviors?  This is my second time in a BPD/NPD relationship and I know the story, the longer we hang on the uglier the ending... .but for some damn reason, I can't let go?

Confused and hoping for picture that has more clarity after the weekend... .

Since you've been in this type of r/s before and you're having such huge issues letting go, might be a good time to look at codependency and how we get addicted to the idealization phase.

Just like our BPD partners, we never break out of our own negative behaviors until we fix ourselves.

[fromheeltoheal]

Ok, so I'm obviously conflicted and probably completely insane to think there is any real "light" at the end of this tunnel... .

Labeling yourself "insane" doesn't empower you NS, but I agree you're conflicted.

Why do we struggle so mightily to just let go?

Is that what you're struggling with?  It's important to get clear on what the goal is yes?

but for some damn reason, I can't let go?

What is that reason?  I don't know your whole situation NS, and you didn't ask me for advice, but from where I sit, over here where it's clear, out of the fog, I recommend you go somewhere, a little mini-vacation, and don't communicate with her in any way, go somewhere where there's no cell phone signal if you have to, and read this article, dive in deeply, get brutally honest with yourself without her influence, and then make a decision, a real one, one that cuts off any other possibility, which is where the word comes from.  And decisions made out of fear are usually the wrong decision, so what emotional state do you need to be in to do what's best for you and your kids?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

We look forward to hearing what you've decided.

[NewStart]

Totally agree that I need to examine co-dependence, but way less than my last BPD relationship but it's still in there.  This time around there's a huge financial piece as well, she stands to take me for a ride and has said she will... .so part of hanging on is trying not to lose my boys and my house of 15 years... .and my step kids... .they've been through SO much in their lives already, they are going to come off the rails, not good.

I don't know, I feel like I'm kind of drifting... .just sitting in a work meeting and the reality of the whole divorce process started working it's way into my head... .holy smokes, what a mess that would be... .but the real question is, could I survive what I'm living in currently... .and how healthy is it?  My boys are teenagers so they see it, my 15 year old said last night, "XXXX hates us, she's always so mad... ."

I don't know... .yeah guess I need some time to reflect on pulling off the band-aid and moving forward... .

[Kelli Cornett]

Alright, I'm going to do it, but just this once because you seem a little down at the moment... I'm going to pull out the 'bro' card.

Bro, you know you're going to get through this, going to be strong for your kids, and get out the other side a better person for it. It stings now but that sting will lessen over time, and you'll realize that this wasn't a healthy situation for you or the kids. When you feel the time is right you'll look at what issues you have from your past (childhood is a great place to start) that might have left you with some codependency issues, and makes you susceptible to these types of r/s.

Lots of fellow non's here, so you're among lots of folks who understanding codependency really well, and totally get how addictive the idealization phase can be. Just take the weekend to relax, chill, take care of yourself and decompress a bit. It all happens for a reason, and it's all good.

[NewStart]

Understood NF and yeah, I need to just check out of this garbage for the weekend because I am completely exhausted, I mean can't keep my eyes open at work exhausted.  In the state I'm in right now I'm not going to be making any kind of good decisions so time to circle the wagons, rest and make some hard choices with a clear head next week.

Thanks for the reality slap there and I will keep you all posted... .as I hopefully don't waffle through this process... .

NS