Ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief

[llbee814]

Snow stopped already... .  covered enough to be pretty.  Where are you in NY?  I'm on LI.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[almostvegan]

Manhattan

Send some peaceful thoughts my way!

[lostchild]

Hi to all of you,

So much validation here.  The emotions and thoughts of those who have BPD in their lives seem to be universal.  I guess that shouldn't surprise me, but it makes me sad to think of all our loved ones who suffer from this illness. 

What is even sadder is how many people our loved ones affect.  It is like a storm.  A tornado that is the person suffering from BPD and the chaos and detruction left in the wake the families and loved ones.

I just identified so much with these posts, especially:

We have lots of company don't we?  Mental illness affects the person with it and everyone around them in profound ways.  When things are good for them, it is like a wonderful gift.  They are happy and coping.  Relieves the pressure on us temporarily.  However, it never lasts.  The crises return again and again and again.  Always our fault.

It hurts to know we are doing everything possible for a person who often sees us as the enemy.  They have absolutely no concept of what their illness is doing to us... .  only what we are doing to ruin THEIR lives.  BPD to me is like cancer of the soul.  Malignant.

I have bouts of dreadful fear for today, tomorrow, and forever.  We have to accept the fact that we have very little control over how our beloved BPD thinks.  Rational or irrational.  I pray constantly for guidance and protection for my BPD son and myself.  I pray for hope.

I too am on medication for anxiety, depression and panic attacks.  So tired of trying to sort through threats and delusions from my son.  We must accept the fact that we cannot make everything better.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!  We need to try to keep ourselves healthy and to find comfort from the rages and craziness.  It would be so easy to fall into the depths of their illness... .  but we CANNOT allow that.   

There is comfort in the fact that others REALLY understand our feelings. We are good people caught up in a tornado of emotions.  Our world does not contain much stability or peace... .  we need to create it.  We also need to accept the reality of this horrible disease and the fact that we have not caused it --- but we must deal with it as best we can, and we  WILL make mistakes.  We need to attempt to change what we can for the better ... .    and strive to do the best we can with the rest - fully recognizing NOTHING will ever be perfect. 

God Bless us all.  May he provide us with comfort and support in our times of need.

I don't know what else to say.  My son has started to lash out again and I fear for him in his despair, but there is nothing I can do except to pray to God.

Thank you all,

lostchild

[llbee814]

Geez av,

    I'm shocked you didn't get some snow, too.  I'm that close to the city on the south shore. Definitely sending peaceful thoughts and vibes your way.  Take care   L.

[cfh]

We have snow here!  Kind of unusual as it's "the end" of LI.

So that weather doesn't high jack this wonderful thread... .  when I joined this board last year I was amazed at the brutal honesty of everyone. 

But this thread has really ripped off that last bit of protective skin.  I am humbled by your stories, your strength, your despair and your hope. 

Cfh

[vivekananda]

Good to know you're mending eac. I think I am too.

Lostchild a BPD storm is not a pretty sight. I am sorry your boy is suffering. You are in my 'prayers'.

No beautiful soft gentle snow here ... .  but it is a bright sunny day today 

Vivek    

[momontherun]

Vivek  - Thank you for your kind words. Its getting easier typing, writing and thinking yet speaking about dd15 I fall apart except for when talking directly to her or her care team.

Lostchild - That is a perfect description... .  a storm constantly building into a tornado/hurricane then subside just enough to breathe a bit. I have found this place gives some desperately needed shelter from our pwBPD, resolve to stay focused, idea's to keep us from drowning in those storms which seems to only come from knowledge... .  from understanding.

cfh, Vivek , llbee814 - i'll send some snow your ways... .  plenty here - 2 ft that's compacted an wind blown with another 3 ft filling the yard with more on its way. The sun peaks out every few days just enough to melt the top layer before it freezes again further compacting it ... .  reminding me only 3.5 more months to go gaining more and more light everyday.

[vivekananda]

wow compacted snow, fast skiing ... .  wheeeeeeeeee! ouch   I fell. Just like life eh? 

Vivek  

sun on snow soo bright.

[peaceplease]

How do I feel?  Really sad that I have not raised successful adults.  My dd living in subsidized housing.  She will be on house arrest.  She is dependent on methadone for an opiate addiction.  Her norm at tax time is 4 W2s.  Her jobs are short.  She will need my help for a long time with my gs.  I can't see her being able to mother on her own.  As my sister calls her - a part-time mom.  I don't think that she can handle the role full time.  And, I gasp today, as she talks about wanting another child when she is about 32.     She will be 29.  And, she does not want to be married.  Defintiely did not pick up my values! I can only pray.

Then there is my ds, age 31.  I believe that he is NPD.  I see a lot of my ex husband's traits in him.   I still love him, in spite of that.  I just learned that he is a heroin addict.  He is an IV user.  And, that is breaking my heart!  His dad was an IV drug addict, too.

I go to church, and I pray.  That truly helps me.

I work, minmially outside of the home.  My primary job is taking care of my mom.(which is a privilege and an honor)  Also, I watch my gs, every other week. His mom works afternoons, so he stays with me, most of that week.(her custody week)  I have a very per diem job.  I am down to only one patient.  I am an LPN, and I give my "one" patient insulin.  I would like to work more outside of the home.  In fact, I ran into a former co-worker and mentioned that I am interested in returning on per-diem basis.  My current job only gets me out of the house 45 minutes at a time, on the few days I am scheduled.  I love getting out of the house.  But, the hours would have to be every other week and aft. shift.(sister works dayturn and she could do aft.w my mom) Hmm... .  I notice as I am typing this that every other week because I watch my gs.  Honestly, I wish this did not have to be a factor.

And, I feel responsible for the way my life has turned out.  Of course, I had my issues as a young adult.  I married my ex and had his children.  I was immature and perhaps had BPD traits at the time. I was such  different person.  I call it a lifetime ago.  I have done a 180.  But, the fact  is that I married a BPD (w/NPD traits), and both of my children are afflicted.  And, my ex's side of the family are all NPD/BPD.

I realize that it is time to get back into therapy.  And, I realize it is time to take care of me.

Vivek  - I really had a good laugh about the wrinkles!  I look at my wrinkles, and think, WOW!  I believe they started appearing about five years ago for me.  I am soon to be 56.  I always looked about 5-7 years younger.  Not, anymore, I look my age!  If I had the money, I would think about some collagen injections.  Not, surgery, but just some collagen!

[cfh]

peaceplease

Any PD is bad enough but when it gets mixed up with drugs it's soo hard.

Often we all think we can just handle this by ourselves (with or without dh) but I'm a big fan of therapy.

I had to drop out due to $ but as soon as my house is sold I'm going back.

Now on the subject of wrinkles... .  how did I get to be 63 when I still feel too young!

Of course on the bad days I feel very old.

[jellibeans]

sorry I am so late to this post... .  I really got a lot from reading everyones posts... .  really thank you all... .  

I will give you my 2 cents which is similar to momontherun and mama mia... .  

We are all at different stages of grief... .  we have good days and right around the corner are always the bad days we know so well... .  I tried to remember the good days and try to keep that kind of perspective ... .  

I have spent many days and nights crying for the future that was loss for my dd... .  but once you give up on what you wanted for your dd and let her have her own life things get better... .  I have come to realize that I am controlling , a perfectionist and the super mom that wants to fix everything so I can save my children from hurt... .  I am happier when I try to control less and realize it is okay that everything is not perfect... .  and I don't have to fix everything ...

I feel all your pain and anger... .  I just have to believe things will get better for my dd... .  and that what keeps me going everyday...

I am thankful for this board... .  it has helped me through some of my darkest days... .  thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders