Hey Kaymer and welcome! We're glad you reached out to us. Ask any question you need -- it's your life and your process no matter what others may have asked before. Kind of like how just because someone in the past figured out arithmetic, doesn't mean you don't get to learn it yourself and ask questions about it yourself.
1. How do I connect with others who have significant others with bpd so I can get direct advice and help with feeling of going throught this alone
You're in a great place (the "Bettering a relationship" board) for connecting with members trying to improve their BPD relationships. Keep reading and posting here as much as you need to.
2. Therapy is expensive and feels almost impossible because I don't make that much and insurance doesn't cover enough. Is there group therapys online for free anywhere for family members?
While I don't know if it can officially be called therapy, there are a couple of organizations that provide free peer support groups for family members. One is the
National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder which offers the
Family Connections™ - BPD/Emotion Dysregulation Program. Check it out; it's completely free though there is a 5-6 month waiting list. I'm currently waitlisted for an opening this summer.
Another one is the
National Alliance on Mental Illness; while I haven't personally participated in their groups, I have heard it is reputable and I believe it is also free. Worth a look.
3.What resources are best to get advice on breaking the BPD roller coaster?
A good place to start could be our
book review section. One reputable title is
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, by Shari Y. Manning, PhD. Your local public library may have a copy, if cost is an issue.
4. What does BPD remission look like? Some people make it sound like a cure.
I think it really depends on the individual. My H and I (he does not have BPD) saw a marriage counselor for a while, and we talked about our FOO's (families of origin) with the MC. Our MC suspected that both H's mom and my mom may have had BPD traits. I would say that neither of our moms currently have overt BPD traits or behaviors, and both of them have done extensive therapy, though on the other hand, we don't live with our parents and have not for a long time. I still see glimmers of hypersensitivity/defensiveness with my mom, and my H's mom tends more towards bickering/conflict, but we're in contact with and love both of them.
My H's kids' mom, however, has had many very difficult traits and behaviors over the last 10+ years, and while my H does not seem to be her target of blame any longer, I don't think she has improved at all. She simply has a different target.
My guess would be that it would be more like remission from an eating disorder, or sobriety after alcoholism -- the urges may still be there and crop up now and then, but with intensive long term therapy, the person can manage those urges in a healthier way that impacts loved ones less.
5. What resources are best for her?
Again, it really depends. Each pwBPD is also an individual and unique human being, with particular sensitivities and strengths.
Does she have a diagnosis? If so, does she accept her diagnosis? Is she engaging in any kind of treatment right now?
6. Can my fiance be a good parent? I hear alot of horror stories and rarely a success story of a bpd parent?
I suspect that parenthood presents profound challenges to pwBPD (who struggle to have a sense of self and who have high emotional needs), especially as young children grow and naturally want to differentiate/individuate. It is rare to hear of an untreated, or under-treated, pwBPD who was able to be a sacrificial, nurturing, child-focused parent. Those are already difficult traits for "generally normal" parents but may be beyond the parenting capability of a pwBPD.
It may be worth exploring if your GF would be willing to do couples counseling with you so you both have a neutral place to discuss your future together.
7. How do I know if I can climb the insurmountable mountain of personal change possible so I don't take bpd rage or words personally? I don't think they are acceptable but I do want to be able to be supportive with boundaries?
I think you know after you learn some
new tools and skills, and do your best to use them over a long stretch of time. There aren't many quick fixes when it comes to BPD dynamics -- you two didn't get here overnight -- but yes, you truly do have the opportunity to make changes yourself, that can make your own life more livable.
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What would you say is the #1 challenge in your relationship right now?