Our son's girlfriend has BPD?

[lindy2]

Our 35-year-old son has been in a relationship with his 30-year-old girlfriend for two and a half years.
The relationship, in my opinion, has been fraught with crisis and heartache from the very beginning.
My wife and I recently read the book “Stop Walking On Eggshells” by Mason and Krieger.
We recognized the behaviors displayed by our son’s girlfriend as outlined in the book. Especially:
-   Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment
-   Alternating between extremes of idealization (of our son) and devaluation
-   Persistently unstable sense of self
-   Recurrent threats to commit suicide
-   Intense anger – she has hit our son on several occasions
-   No sense of trust in our son.
We are starting to get especially concerned because we feel that our son has become “brainwashed” by his partner’s point of view. He seems to be blaming himself more and more for the state of the relationship.  He has taken on the role of caretaker and protector. He is constantly advocating for her, asking us to reach out to her with kindness (which we have done), and excusing her behaviour.
He has become isolated from family (especially his brother), friends and coworkers.
It has started to affect his livelihood and we are becoming very concerned for his emotional and physical wellbeing.

Conversations with him have become strained as he advocates for her. We are working hard to understand, but, it is very hard to know what to say to support him and still remain honest and truthful.

Our son (Son#1) has been seeing a therapist and has started joint therapy with his brother and it has helped somewhat. I will call him Son#2. The brothers’ relationship has been greatly strained 

We are at a loss as to what to say or do to help our son and would appreciate any advice you could give. Here is the text of an email I started last night to my son; I welcome feedback on whether it is crafted in such a way as to help the situation or make it worse.

“Dear son, I was hanging out with your grandfather today. I made a statement about what a great father he was to me, how he never told me what to do with my life and let me be myself. I hope I have done the same for you. I hope I am not taking a risk with this letter of hurting our relationship, but I feel strongly that the time has come to open up to you about my concerns for you.
Our phone conversation last week was both reassuring and troubling for me.
I thought your partner was very brave and honest in opening up to me about her health challenges. She admitted she suffers from depression and anxiety. I felt both you and she heard my words about fear as the underlying motivating factor in much of humans’ behaviour.

But I have a nagging feeling that is growing; I feel that my attitude toward you has changed; I am avoiding phone conversations with you because I don’t know what to say anymore. It seems the only solution is to limit our conversations to business, family events and lighter topics that don’t touch on the “family anguish” we are feeling.

I am gravely concerned for you.

I feel your psychological health, physical safety, financial health, social isolation, and professional standing are all at risk. I came away from our phone call last week very troubled and worried about you.

I have been reading a book on Borderline Personality Disorder. It is called "stop walking on eggshells". Very informative. Both your mother and I have read it. Do you have knowledge of this mental disorder? It is very complex and requires setting clear boundaries of what behaviour you are willing to accept in your relationship.
I know you have done some of this work, for which I am thankful. Your regular visits with your therapist (and the joint therapy with your brother) do my heart good. I encourage you to seek the best knowledge you can find on this subject through reading (I am sure your therapist can recommend books). For myself, expressing my thoughts on paper with regular journal entries to chronicle my feelings always helps, too.
This letter is my way of seeking to understand you better, so I can love you and support you (and your partner) better. I am trying to communicate with loving kindness.
I remain your loving dad. Unconditional love and support are always coming your way from me.

Peace, Dad.”

Thanks for listening.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi lindy2 

I'd like to welcome you to BPD Family. Although I'm sorry that you are struggling, I'm really glad you found us.

It's also great that you are wanting to reach out to your son, and that you've come here asking for advice on the letter you have written.

It may help to understand all you can about BPD and how the behaviors affect the whole family, your beloved son most of all. It's common for romantic partners to advocate for, defend their loved ones with BPD, you'd be wise to keep all communication supportive, leave the door open for your son to come to you when he's ready, a soft place to land.

I can sense the love you have for your son in the letter you've written and I know how very difficult it is to stand back while our children are struggling in their relationships. I worry, though, that your letter will not be received as supportive and encourage you to hold off a bit on sharing your concerns with your son.

I think the best thing you can do for all of you is to learn all you can about BPD - we have a lot of articles, workshops, and of course the many posts of others walking similar journeys as yourself. You'll see that how we communicate is of utmost importance as those with BPD perceive things very differently than others.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, it's natural to want to ease the suffering of our adult children, to let them know we are concerned, we are parents and we love deeply. It's a difficult situation and you want to avoid the pitfall of becoming a common enemy - your son may feel pressured to choose sides.

There is another board here with posts by members who are in a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD) and it may be helpful to read some posts, to help you get an idea of what your son might be dealing with in his relationship. Here is a link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

Keep posting, reading, learning, and reaching out for support, lindy2, none of this is intuitive and we are all learning together. We are here for you.

~ OH

[lindy2]

Thanks for this, OH. Just reading a couple of posts and replies has helped already. I think one of my big worries is that he will get her pregnant and then a baby will be brought into what I think is a very unhealthy family situation... .I will hold off doing anything for now, though. Somehow I have to wrap my head around accepting this person as part of my family, as my son has chosen to live with her... .maybe forever. But I am aching to send him a text with a link to this site or the main BPD site. But I think you are right, he is not ready to listen to my advice right now, and I may become the enemy if I am not careful. Patience.

[Only Human]

I'm glad you found the articles and posts helpful, lindy2, I thank my lucky stars every day that I found BPD Family. I have learned so much, continue to learn so much, and just knowing I'm not alone has been very comforting.

I hope you continue to post and read, share what's going on as you navigate this difficult relationship.

You say your DS's (dear son's) GF has hit him on several occasions - were you witness to this abuse? What happened?

~ OH

[Turkish]

Hi lindy2,

I'd like to join Only Human in welcoming you here. 

You're concerned for your son,  and understandably so,  especially given that he is a target of domestic violence.  This is painful,  but the good thing is that you still have an open line of communication with him.  We have seen similar situations to this where children (sons, that I remember) have cut off communication with their parents in order to protect their relationships or marriages.  I would not at this point bring up BPD. I can't stress this enough. 

We have DV protocol for members in crisis here: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info4.htm

If you scan past the verbiage about talking to members,  it can help you understand what he might be going though. Such as:

Do not make judgments about their partner or their relationship (there will be time for that later). People in abuse situations are often timid and feel they have no voice. Care should be used not to humiliate them by making them feel inadequate for being in their situation or for not being decisive or for not wanting to leave. Don't say "abuse is never ok" - they know that. Its a great phrase for advocacy groups, but kinda humiliating and second guessing someone in crisis.

Do not tell them to leave the relationship. The majority of homocides occur when leaving, shortly after leaving, and when returnding. Often, leaving the relationship or threatening to leave the relationship escalates the abuse as the controller feels they are losing control. Also, a poorly planned exit is likely to fail (e.g., financially, second thoughts, being found, etc.).

As one from a BPD- like relationship,  I only personally witnessed DV once (I don't count coming home to a profane note and her cell phone in pieces down the hallway)  though sometimes I felt the threat was there.  When I told people years later,  they were aghast.  They had no idea.  I hid, coped, and caretook in order to preserve my r/s.

Read what I linked and also this and tell us what you think.

3.04 | Domestic violence [for men]

Treat this as triage right now.  Members here have a lot of experience with this and we are here for you and your family. 

What are he and his brother working out in therapy?

Turkish