Almost died BPD did not care

[Tileaf]

After 30 years I thought I knew that she "really" cared despite the extreme abuse for the past 2 years.  I went into the hospital with a rare disease that nearly killed me.  Was in for almost 3 months.  The entire time  in hospital it was all about her and her hardships
  Called my family daily giving the pretense of caring about me bur we realize it was to have attention. I was in ICU and she constantly berated nurses who would not give her information about my condition (not true).  Abusive. Mean and nasty. I finally see that BPD does not care about their partner as much as this forum says they do.  My Bpd ex is just an uncaring awful abuser that I am financially responsible for.  I despise her and the fsct thst i believed thst she cares.  Coming so close to death has changed me.  I am living without fear and with big big love for people.  I am committed to calling the police on her abuse when i get home.  No more protecting her.  I will have a good life no matter what.

[Lenfan2]

I'm sorry to hear you went through that, but glad you are at least getting better now.

No where near as serious as your situation but it reminded me of a few incidents in my own experience that I'd like to share.  I too thought that deep down my ubpdw really loved me and when the rubber hit the road and things were really on the line it would show.  Not so.  I used to joke that if I was bleeding,  she'd complain about me getting blood on the floor. Except, it happened, and she was concerned about the blood on the floor, not me. No joke.

A few years ago, I had an asthmatic reaction after an acid reflux attack,  I couldn't breathe. It was scary. I'll spare you the details but suffice it to say that she was scolding me, while I was still gasping for air, because I barfed on the floor. This was a potentially life threatening situation. I have never felt the same about her since. I realized I was dealing with a seriously damaged person.

I got early stage hypothermia at a fourth of July event this summer.   I knew what to expect by then and she didn't disappoint. While I sat there with my teeth chattering and uncontrollable shivers, and the rest of my family showed genuine concern and asked if I should go the hospital; I got eyerolls, mocked and a sarcastic "poor baby" from her. She back-pedaled later when I admonished her and it was very clear that this was serious, but her initial go-to was to be emotionally abusive.

The benefit of the doubt that I will give them is that maybe they are just so overwhelmed by situations that they can not react properly. Small comfort, but I hope it helps. Be well. 

[Elitevaz]

Too bad you can’t do it back without ending the world

[BPDEnjoyer]

You need to understand that when you are serious sick, they can't handle the anxiety so the only way they cope is to focus on their emotion at the detriment of everyone else.  Therefore, you can't count on a bpd person to be there for you when you are sick.  There are many stories of this.

[FarDrop77]

It hasn't happened to me yet ... I've noticed that when I've got the flu or something she'll sometimes bend over backwards to an absurd degree to make sure I'm okay or  but other times expect me to be at full strength.  It might be that the more sick I am, the less sympathy she has, but it's hard to say for sure.

When she is sick, though, it's alway such an exaggerated victim act that I can never tell when it really is serious.  But I feel like if I always treat it as serious I'd be making it worse, so it's hard to give her the sympathy she demands.

[uncleflo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks when you realize that the same care you give them when they're hurting, they are incapable of giving back whatsoever. The lack of balance is always disheartening.

Case in point… my "spouse" fell and hurt her knees pretty badly. When I saw she was in pain, I went and got her Neosporin and bandages for her knees, as well as a wrap for her twisted ankle. It's what you do. A week or so later, I slipped while hiking on my own, hit my head (mild concussion), and banged up my elbow pretty badly. When I got home, I bandaged myself up. She didn't even notice the bandaging on my arm and me holding an ice pack on my head (and I'm not one to outwardly complain). My son saw the bandage, however, and said, "Dad, what happened? Are you okay?" Only then did she notice and then said, "Oh that's too bad." There was no love coming from her, no concern. Now… if it had been her boyfriend who she's lovebombing for the last year, she'd have been Mother Teresa!  Sigh…