Divorce and Money

[ConfusedCanuck]

Question in divorcing someone with BPD.  She would not be able to handle the money she would get if we split everything and if she got the alimony payments the online calculator says i would give her.

1) Does alimony increase for someone that has BPD / Mental Illness?
2) How can that money be managed?

FYI i have not talked to a lawyer yet, not sure what i am going to do.  She is currently in a mental institute, but not sure for how long.

[ForeverDad]

These days alimony is less about lifetime support and more about appropriate aid to help the financially disadvantaged spouse transition to post-marriage life.  Often it is no more than half the length of the marriage and usually less.  My marriage was 18 years, the last 2.5 years separated then divorcing and the lawyers were agreeable to only 3 years of alimony.

Your lawyer's task is to answer your questions, after all he or she is paid to work for your best interests.  That said, here are a few pointers to improve your perspective and maybe even help you avoid possible blunders.

A long marriage may make alimony more likely but still, don't gift away more than you should.  So one way to protect yourself is to imagine yourself 5 or 10 years from now looking back at yourself.  What choices looming before you now would you tell your past self to avoid?  Some here have remarked that their past decisions to "just to get it over with" were later regretted.

I don't know what your local court laws are, but these days the reason for divorce is not that important.  Does your state or province have "no fault" policies?  I mention this because your impulse may be to file in court that your spouse has mental issues.  But that could backfire on you, there's a risk that she might get more or longer alimony if the court believes she needs more "help".  Especially if she postures that you're at fault and you made her crazy.  (Side note, courts are typically reluctant to delve into mental health issues.)  But throwing more money at her won't help since she would sabotage herself.  Listen to your lawyer (and peer support too).

I was wondering... Many here discovered that judges hate to make rulings or decisions, they prefer wait and wait hoping the spouses come to terms.  (And our divorces from a disordered spouse too often do take longer to get done.)  Most divorces are settlements that are written as final decrees.  Perhaps once you file, the negotiations can include that any settlements be structured to avoid spending recklessly, well, in subdued but wise terms that don't reflect too badly on either her or you.

To a certain extent, she is considered an adult and there may not be much you can do long term to protect her from herself.

[Notwendy]

To a certain extent, she is considered an adult and there may not be much you can do long term to protect her from herself.

Yes, and this has been an issue for us kids with our elderly widowed BPD mother.

If your STBX is in a mental hospital, can she be deemed legally incompetent? If so, there may be some way to set up a trust and have that managed- possibly adult protective services or something like that. Even if she is legally competent now, with her mental health issues, someone needs to have financial POA in the event that she becomes legally incompetent.

If she's legally competent- there may not be much you can do. Being legally competent does not mean someone makes the best decisions. As social services said to me when I called concerned "your parents are legally competent to make their own bad decisions".  My BPD mother has changed her POA at times, and she is "legally competent" to do that if she wants.

How BPD mother would manage money is a concern and yet, we kids have no way to intervene. She has resisted any of our attempts to help her manage the money Dad left her- for her own good and we are concerned about how she is managing it and we have no way to know or to intervene.  If your STBX is legally competent, there probably is little you can do to influence how she manages the money she has.

If there are children involved, I would work with a lawyer to be able to set up some kind of trust for them, and also have someone other than their mother manage that trust. If there's any way to designate some of that money for their education, and not have it in their mother's control, then you will know it's there for them when they need it.

[ConfusedCanuck]

Thanks.

Children are all over 18.  We are in Canada.  So things might be a big different.  She will be out of the mental facility in a few weeks i think.  Depends on weather or not she actually starts trying to get better.  She had affairs but not sure that makes any difference anymore.

[Notwendy]

I don't know the divorce/alimony laws but since the kids are grown, it's the alimony part-

I'd go with what the court decides, obviously you want the best situation for you but I also think the court decides based on income, years married, etc.

Once it's decided, the money is out of your hands really. Not much you can do about what she does with it.

I get it. You know how she (mis) manages it and you still don't want her to get herself into a bad situation, even if you don't want to be married to her but if she's in control, there's not much you can do.

We are in a similar situation. It's not about the relationship, or anything BPD mother has done. We don't want her to be in a difficult situation, for her sake.  In some strange paradox, she's too mentally ill to manage in a reasonable way and yet, legally, she's not mentally ill enough for someone to take control and manage for her. We can't do anything about it.

The court will determine your financial obligation. After that, you are not obligated to your ex and you are not responsible for her decisions. You can hope for the best for her but it's up to her.

Chances are, if she's having affairs, she will find another husband. The relationship dynamics won't change,  but she also will have some kind of support and that will be less of a worry for you and her children.

[ForeverDad]

The court will determine your financial obligation. After that, you are not obligated to your ex and you are not responsible for her decisions. You can hope for the best for her but it's up to her.

We can't emphasize this enough.  Court will do what it does.  Solicitors will do what they do.  Your challenge will be to balance yourself between two perspectives.

On the one hand you will likely feel an emotional pressure or need to "gift away" more financially than you should.  (After all, any resources you are able to protect now could be judiciously used later to wisely aid her here and there.

On the other hand, you will need to work on yourself, to recover from nearly 30 years of chaos and discord, to Let Go and Move On.

1) Does alimony increase for someone that has BPD / Mental Illness?

We aren't professionals here, but I would not expect alimony to increase but the length of alimony might lengthen.  As I mentioned before in my own experience, courts want the lawyers to reach agreement on many of these details.  That is where you can exert your influence over the outcome so it is less unfair to you but better for your ex-spouse regardless how she may sabotage herself.

2) How can that money be managed?

Pondering your situation... beware of feeling you have to be "overly fair".  The court and her solicitor will ensure her outcome, you on the other hand have to protect yourself.  Real fairness is not a great concern to the court.  It is more concerned about laws, rules, policies and procedures.

Perhaps alimony will protect her from quickly wasting her money.  It will be a regular source for her over however long it lasts.  What will be more difficult to measure out will be items which usually are ordered as lump sums, and seldom parceled out in increments, such as her equity in properties, savings (minus debts), retirement accounts, etc.  Ask your lawyer how such things can be negotiated to protect her from wasteful binges.

By the way, you did well to take her cards.  If these credit cards are joint accounts, close them now so you limit what damage she can do.