What would you be doing this weekend?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

If still with your ex what would your weekend be like?

I'm asking because mine had social anxiety and we didn't do much... wasn't sure if there were others like this?

[Banshee]

If still with your ex what would your weekend be like?

I'm asking because mine had social anxiety and we didn't do much... wasn't sure if there were others like this?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Usually dinner, (early) and back to watch tv. Saturdays were errands, fun stuff running around, breakfast at our favorite spot, then after a few hours our separate ways for whatever.

There were never plans, it always came up the day of, or day before, I was only the "friend"

CiF

[HappyNihilist]

Probably enjoying some time together, talking and laughing; having some hot sex; and then somehow winding up in a huge fight during which he kitchen-sinked me -- and then afterwards he would go find some pretty young thing to soothe his bruised ego.

So my weekend without him now is -- no hot sex, but no huge fights and crazy-making either! And I do plan to do some talking and laughing, and quite a bit of enjoying my own time. I'm going to call it a major improvement.

Banshee, how did you feel about not going out and doing much over the weekends while you were with him? Are you more social? What would you rather do with your weekend?

[Banshee]

LOL at the kitchen sink ... I do know that feeling very well... bless your heart heart

Banshee, how did you feel about not going out and doing much over the weekends while you were with him? Are you more social? What would you rather do with your weekend?

I would ask to go shoot pool at the local little bar ... everytime he would grab his stomach and say I just get a knot in the pit of stomach when you mention that...  He would mention bowling but never took me.

He had no cable so there was music cd's that he played over and over it was mind numbing!

Funny thing is he got a  28 y/o male roommate and went to that dag gum bar and bowling! without me of course...

I have not left my house in 2 dang MONTHS!  I kid you not!... I'm terrified to have a drink of wine because I'm afraid I will text him! Now as boring as my time was with him it seems like a hoot of a good time compared to sitting here.

But i do want to see the movie "The Other Woman" I really do need to get out of here for a bit

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Watching movies... . Cuddling joking  mind blowing marathon sex. Cooking for him... . Showering with him ect... .

[Banshee]

Watching movies... . Cuddling joking sad mind blowing marathon sex. Cooking for him... . Showering with him ect... . sad

awww I'm sorry... I didn't mean to cause any hurt feelings or sadness... I guess I assumed most had weekends like mine ... but I'm so glad to hear the good times because it shows me all I was missing even if he did have BPD... I pretty much rewarded   his bad behaviour and lack of effort because of his illness... bleh

[AwakenedOne]

If still with your ex what would your weekend be like?

Um... . what would we be doing? ... . um... . a typical weekend together with my wife ... . um... . ok I would have to say something like this:

Saturday Morning - Birds are chirping and the sun is out, a new fresh day in life is here on earth for us to enjoy. Ah... . the smell of the fresh spring flowers is in the air. Don't they smell lovely? What shall we do? So many things possible... .

10am - 2pm I would ask her "Are you ready to do something fun?" She would say "Shut The F Up! and let me rest!" So I would clean up and do laundry instead while she rested.

2pm - 4pm I would say "Ready to go eat some lunch honey?" She would start complaining. "I would say what's up with the complaining?"

4pm - 6pm  She would get mad for whatever reason and she would be driving us around in the car like a lunatic as we go to a store and come back home.

6pm - 8pm We would come home. She would storm off mad and ignore me. I would take a walk and she would start looking for me and blame me that I left.

8pm -12am  We would rent a video and chill out. I would be tired from all the BS of the day and hard to keep my eyes open watching the video.

12-10am ZZzzzzzz snore... . zzzzzzz... . nightmares... . more snoring.zzzzzz... . nightmares... . zzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunday Morning - Ah... . Sunday morning, time to really relax and have a great day before Monday rolls around again and a new work week begins.

10am - 2pm I would ask her "Are you ready to do something fun?" She would say "Shut The F Up! and let me rest!" So I would clean up and do laundry that was leftover from Saturday instead while she rested.

2pm - 4pm I would say "Ready to go eat some lunch honey?". She would start complaining. "I would say what's up with the complaining?"

4pm - 6pm  She would get mad for whatever reason and she would be driving us around in the car like a lunatic as we go to a store and come back home.

6pm - 8pm We would come home. She would storm off mad and ignore me. I would take a walk and she would start looking for me and blame me that I left.

8pm -12am I'd say "Lets take a walk or do something fun". Before we would leave there would be some minor problem. She would call me a "F'er" and then she would get angry and I would take a walk and she would call my cell phone and say "Come home now!". I would hang up and walk for another hour first.

12-10am ZZzzzzzz snore... . zzzzzzz... . nightmares... . more snoring... . zzzzzz... . nightmares... . zzzzzzzzzzz

When I would go into work on Monday and people asked how was my weekend I said "it was great".

[Jb101]

There was a little of the anti social aspect. We often have plans and I'd organise a fun night out for her to decide she just wanted to stay in. Or alternatively, at the last minute she had forgotten she had plans to go out with her girlfriends (who were alcoholic nympho's... . that one was great for trust issues. Loved stories about how her friend hooked up with two younger guys and had a threesome, or my fav - one of them went up to a group of guys, said who wants to have sex, went home and ___ed the first to say yes. Stunningly healthy support group... )

Then she'd want to drink. We'd end up drinking too much and sometimes have fun, but far too often it turned into an argument,maws my fault we never went out and I shouldn't be letting her drink etc... .

Hurts yes, but in some ways a good question, because it reminds me what things I'm not missing.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Heres a good one we are drinking w a female friend of mine (who has expressed attraction towards meher and I are both bisexual but she is sort of slutty im more monogamous... This is said w love shr admits it!) he tells me he likes me better drunk bc she was hitting on me and I was being (jokingly)flirty. When I turn down her advances he later tells me he wishes I was more of a wh**e! And prefers,me when im drunk... . When I express hurt the next morning he breaks up with me (right before an important family function) was so hurt for several reasons. He wanted me to be more like her basically. Will never forget that friday night!

[HappyNihilist]

My exbf was not great with plans, either. Or he'd make them and then "forget" -- usually because of his "friends." (Woe unto me if I ever forgot any tiny plan he'd made for me, however.)

Or alternatively, at the last minute she had forgotten she had plans to go out with her girlfriends (who were alcoholic nympho's... . that one was great for trust issues. Loved stories about how her friend hooked up with two younger guys and had a threesome, or my fav - one of them went up to a group of guys, said who wants to have sex, went home and F'ed the first to say yes. Stunningly healthy support group... )

Heyyyy, my exbf had the same sorts of friends! A bunch of alcoholic guys who were on a quest to bed every woman they crossed paths with.

Not him, though! He's nothing like that!  

[Cardinals in Flight]

AO, I think I'd start going to church on Sundays if all my Saturdays were like that,  

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

Truthfully, about a year ago I quit going back to Xs place after dinner because it was me watching TV and watching her drink her 6 pack.  I'm a social person and like to be out and about with others, huge sticking point.  The XBPDGf resented me for it! Or it felt like she did anyway, snide remarks about me knowing everyone everywhere I went.  Antisocial seems a common thread... .

CiF

[Banshee]

My ex would accuse me of going through a second childhood or going through some menopausal episode for wanting to go to a lil country hole in the wall of a bar.  It has to be one or the other because those two are polar opposites!

So I guess sitting there bored as he11 and counting the gray hairs on his head was  all i was worth

[AwakenedOne]

AO, I think I'd start going to church on Sundays if all my Saturdays were like that,  

CiF

CiF,

Funny you should say that. The last six months of our relationship I tried to get us going to church. We tried different ones and it was a fair way of doing it. We agreed on which one we would try. After church service she would always complain for an hour about stuff at the church that she didn't like or agree with. Then it would turn back in to the typical Sunday routine. {Refer to the above Sunday listed typical routine starting back at about 2pm}.

Peace,

AO

[Cardinals in Flight]

AO, I think I'd start going to church on Sundays if all my Saturdays were like that,  

CiF

CiF,

Funny you should say that. The last six months of our relationship I tried to get us going to church. We tried different ones and it was a fair way of doing it. We agreed on which one we would try. After church service she would always complain for an hour about stuff at the church that she didn't like or agree with. Then it would turn back in to the typical Sunday routine. {Refer to the above Sunday listed typical routine starting back at about 2pm}.

Peace,

AO

I kinda meant without her  , but you are nicer than me!

[Pecator]

Well, this is a tough thought.

My ex and I were great on the weekends. It was like those redundant dating profiles. We "enjoyed a night on the town as much as cuddling up at home on the couch." She would be laying against me watching a movie while I stroked her hair and the boys were playing around on the other couch. Or we would be out with friends dancing the night away... . without fail some stranger would come up to us to say "I really enjoyed watching you two dancing together.

During the day we would work together in the garden or on a project around the house.

Even now, as painted black as I am, she will admit we were great together in these areas. What the heck

It was only when the stress of the complications in my life (immigration) threatened our future together, or their resolution meant my life was coming together and would trigger her fear that she was just a lifeboat to me, that she would change the narrative (gas lighting et. al) and the one day I was out looking (as we agreed) to get my own place while she took the Xmas decorations down meant she was alone in this relationship and I was not an equal partner (lazy and taking advantage of her was how she put it).

This is why she now spends her weekends with my replacement, though he doesn't like to dance and thinks watching movies is an unproductive waste of time. He is also a workaholic who understandably sets time for his kids. So my ex works in the garden alone.

This is why I have not danced in months and sit in my room alone for days on end.

[Pecator]

Your topic inspired me to make another post!

Thanks for making such a provocative thread!

[AwakenedOne]

AO, I think I'd start going to church on Sundays if all my Saturdays were like that,  

CiF

CiF,

Funny you should say that. The last six months of our relationship I tried to get us going to church. We tried different ones and it was a fair way of doing it. We agreed on which one we would try. After church service she would always complain for an hour about stuff at the church that she didn't like or agree with. Then it would turn back in to the typical Sunday routine. {Refer to the above Sunday listed typical routine starting back at about 2pm}.

Peace,

AO

I kinda meant without her  , but you are nicer than me!

 

[Banshee]

This is why I have not danced in months and sit in my room alone for days on end.

This is truly heartbreaking to read :'( I understand completely... in time our dark will turn to light... day by day this will slowly past and that light will be back

[AwakenedOne]

Well, this is a tough thought.

My ex and I were great on the weekends. It was like those redundant dating profiles. We "enjoyed a night on the town as much as cuddling up at home on the couch." She would be laying against me watching a movie while I stroked her hair and the boys were playing around on the other couch. Or we would be out with friends dancing the night away... . without fail some stranger would come up to us to say "I really enjoyed watching you two dancing together.

During the day we would work together in the garden or on a project around the house.

Even now, as painted black as I am, she will admit we were great together in these areas. What the heck

It was only when the stress of the complications in my life (immigration) threatened our future together, or their resolution meant my life was coming together and would trigger her fear that she was just a lifeboat to me, that she would change the narrative (gas lighting et. al) and the one day I was out looking (as we agreed) to get my own place while she took the Xmas decorations down meant she was alone in this relationship and I was not an equal partner (lazy and taking advantage of her was how she put it).

This is why she now spends her weekends with my replacement, though he doesn't like to dance and thinks watching movies is an unproductive waste of time. He is also a workaholic who understandably sets time for his kids. So my ex works in the garden alone.

This is why I have not danced in months and sit in my room alone for days on end.

Hi Pecator,

I am really sorry your going through this tough time. It's definitely tough losing someone you really cared about. I understand. I hope each day in your life gets better now and you get peace and happiness. If you aren't meant to be with this woman I hope you find someone even better for you. Hang in there. We are here for you.



AO

[Emelie Emelie]

Friday nights he would usually make dinner at his place and we would just hang out.  Saturday nights were our standing "date".  We would typically go out and do something.  Usually dinner, a couple of drinks.  I was often able to spend the night at his place.  We'd have lazy Sunday mornings.  Watch the news programs and drink coffee and talk.  Make breakfast together or go out somewhere.  When it wasn't crazy it was all very... . nice.

[HappyNihilist]

This is why I have not danced in months and sit in my room alone for days on end.

 I am so sorry to read this, Pecator. I understand the feeling of not wanting to do things you once enjoyed, especially when those activities have become so entangled with the other person.

Detachment helps us separate those things so that we can reclaim our passions, joys, hobbies, and happiness. Yes, right now the idea of dancing makes you think of her. But the day will come when you take it back for yourself.

But i do want to see the movie "The Other Woman" I really do need to get out of here for a bit

That sounds like a good idea!

My exbf definitely had some of those anti-social tendencies. (And really, that may be true in more ways than one.  ) He wasn't actively opposed to going out and doing stuff, but he really didn't like people in general and would get uncomfortable in crowds. He constantly referred to himself as "socially awkward," when he's actually quite good in most social situations. He's charming, funny, intelligent, and a great listener.

I prefer quieter activities myself, so this wasn't a problem for me. But when we did go out on the weekends, he had a hard time relaxing. He spent most of our time out (restaurants, bars, etc.) chatting up young waitresses. I guess the constant ego stroke made it all bearable for him.  

I kinda meant without her  , but you are nicer than me!

[Banshee]

I remember a embarrassing Saturday night...

I stopped and got some food and movies and even brought firewood for his fireplace... He put the movie in and didn't leave the couch from that point on.

Midway during the movie i went out to my car and got my pajama pants to put on  and was comfy for the night ... when the movie was over he asked me to put the other one in... I did and was trying to figure out what button to push ... he was telling me which one but if I touched the wrong button he would say watch what your doing your going to tear something up.

good grief!  I wasn't doing anything that could break that dusty raggly ole dvd player ,, that he lost the remote to and too lazy to get of his a$$ and do it himself... I finally got it and now the world is all good.

He falls asleep at the end of the second movie when it was over he woke up and it's DEAD QUIET (no cable so silence comes when the movie is over) He just laid there... looking at me ... I got so uncomfortable thinking well what now?

still silence he's not moving ... so after so much awkwardness I said well I guess I'll be going... he said ok. 

It was a saturday night ! i had on my pajamas! but he showed no interest in me staying... I got my stuff which was both hands full and purse on my shoulder... after loading myself down gathering my date night supplies... still laying there he reaches out his arms and said HUGS!

I'm going more and more into embarrassing shock... I leaned over trying to keep everything balanced and leaned down to hug him bye.He was still laying there when I went out the door.

I'm walking out to my car  with my stuff and pajamas on ,I was so embarrassed ... I was actually crying before I got out of his driveway.

Now if I'm seeing this wrong someone tell me please... I had been married for a long time so dating is all new to me. but come on! who does that?

[AwakenedOne]

I remember a embarrassing Saturday night...

I stopped and got some food and movies and even brought firewood for his fireplace... He put the movie in and didn't leave the couch from that point on.

Midway during the movie i went out to my car and got my pajama pants to put on  and was comfy for the night ... when the movie was over he asked me to put the other one in... I did and was trying to figure out what button to push ... he was telling me which one but if I touched the wrong button he would say watch what your doing your going to tear something up.

good grief!  I wasn't doing anything that could break that dusty raggly ole dvd player ,, that he lost the remote to and too lazy to get of his a$$ and do it himself... I finally got it and now the world is all good.

He falls asleep at the end of the second movie when it was over he woke up and it's DEAD QUIET (no cable so silence comes when the movie is over) He just laid there... looking at me ... I got so uncomfortable thinking well what now?

still silence he's not moving ... so after so much awkwardness I said well I guess I'll be going... he said ok.  

It was a saturday night ! i had on my pajamas! but he showed no interest in me staying... I got my stuff which was both hands full and purse on my shoulder... after loading myself down gathering my date night supplies... still laying there he reaches out his arms and said HUGS!

I'm going more and more into embarrassing shock... I leaned over trying to keep everything balanced and leaned down to hug him bye.He was still laying there when I went out the door.

I'm walking out to my car  with my stuff and pajamas on ,I was so embarrassed ... I was actually crying before I got out of his driveway.

Now if I'm seeing this wrong someone tell me please... I had been married for a long time so dating is all new to me. but come on! who does that?

Yeah that's not normal behavior for a guy. Your ex seems to be self-centered and in his own world with its own rules, kinda like my ex in a way.

[janey62]

You'll dance again Pecator!

This post brings to mind a typical weekend with my exBPdbf.

On Friday afternoon we went shopping and bought food for the weekend which he was planning to spend with me in my flat instead of his boat, which I could see from my window.

We loved shopping and would drift around having fun, cuddling and being romantic, laughing and getting envious glances because we were so obviously in love.  Then we headed back to the flat. In the car park he said that he was popping to the boat for an hour and would see me at the flat later. It was 4pm.

3 hours later he texted to say he'd just popped to the pub for a bit and would be there in half an hour.  I said ok, I'll start cooking, with a sinking feeling.

An hour later no sign, 2 hours later he texted all elated saying he'd met his cousin in town, by chance, though she lived 200 miles away coincidentally she was here with friends and it was soo good to see her and he was going to hang out with her so not to cook but he would be up later.

At 11.15 a text to say, 'I'm going to sleep on the boat because you probably don't want to be bothered by me anyway as I've had a few beers.'  I didn't reply to this one having given up and gone to bed.

Next day, Saturday, silence. In the afternoon I would text him and say are you ok?  He would then start to abuse me, saying that I was trying to control him, that I was a whore, a b___, not to be trusted, that I was just using him for money, that my son was a spoilt brat, that it would be best if we never saw each other again, etc.

On Sunday more of the same.

On Monday he apologised and came crawling back, crying and saying he hated himself and couldn't live without me.

This was one of many fun weekends.

[lemon flower]

I have not left my house in 2 dang MONTHS!  I kid you not!... I'm terrified to have a drink of wine because I'm afraid I will text him! Now as boring as my time was with him it seems like a hoot of a good time compared to sitting here.

me too... .

not for six months... .

I'm deliberatedly limiting the time I spend with my ex and usually I keep the weekends to myself, but I still don't feel to go out and when I do I have to force myself to it, I have no interest to meeting up with old friends, it feels like I have nothing to say to them and I don't like to have to explain to them why I am still seeing my ex, and feeling their disapproval or non-understanding... .

also I recognise your fear of getting a little drunk in order to loose control and do something you might regret... .

me too I have the feeling I have to watch my behaviour, especially when he's around I will always stay sober in order not to give in to temptation , and when I'm alone or with other people I stay sober because I'm afraid of emotional outbursts, or digging up old pain,

boring indeed... . still I know this is just a stage, it will pass by, I've been through this before, keeping this in mind I just let myself heal little by little and provide myself the time it takes... .

meanwhile I enjoy watching the birds in the garden, I make long walks, redecorate my home,... . everything that keeps me busy, gives me good energy and gives rest to the mind... .

[Banshee]

Next day, Saturday, silence. In the afternoon I would text him and say are you ok?  He would then start to abuse me, saying that I was trying to control him, that I was a whore, a b___, not to be trusted, that I was just using him for money, that my son was a spoilt brat, that it would be best if we never saw each other again, etc.

Oh wow this is one thing my exbf didn't do ... he didn't break up... not once. But he would provoke me with criticism and accussations ... I would do the walking out and ... when I did I was blamed for leaving then more criticisms to finally I would have enough ... break it off and then go through silence and stuff you mentioned.

me too... .

not for six months... .

I'm deliberatedly limiting the time I spend with my ex and usually I keep the weekends to myself, but I still don't feel to go out and when I do I have to force myself to it, I have no interest to meeting up with old friends, it feels like I have nothing to say to them and I don't like to have to explain to them why I am still seeing my ex, and feeling their disapproval or non-understanding... .

Your still seeing your ex from time to time?

after this last  break up at the end of feb. he wouldn't talk or see me... and I have went no contact (text was all he would do and barely do that)

I have got to keep no contact and coming here has helped so much I feel like I would let ppl down if I did... Now if he broke no contact not sure how I would go about that... But I do know I wouldn't make a move without asking here first.

Just like you m y friends know a little and I have withdrew more than usual... I just don't want to be a burden to them when I know they don't understand BPD so i keep saying when I'm a little stronger I'll reach out...

I really have to get out  ... I've been sending my 16y/o to run errands and the store and he's just about to break me... ... this is my own fault I give him my debit card... list and what he needs to do... it never fails he spends too much or forgets something... so yea it's time to stop my moping and take my life and emotions back.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I remember a embarrassing Saturday night...

I stopped and got some food and movies and even brought firewood for his fireplace... He put the movie in and didn't leave the couch from that point on.

Midway during the movie i went out to my car and got my pajama pants to put on  and was comfy for the night ... when the movie was over he asked me to put the other one in... I did and was trying to figure out what button to push ... he was telling me which one but if I touched the wrong button he would say watch what your doing your going to tear something up.

good grief!  I wasn't doing anything that could break that dusty raggly ole dvd player ,, that he lost the remote to and too lazy to get of his a$$ and do it himself... I finally got it and now the world is all good.

He falls asleep at the end of the second movie when it was over he woke up and it's DEAD QUIET (no cable so silence comes when the movie is over) He just laid there... looking at me ... I got so uncomfortable thinking well what now?

still silence he's not moving ... so after so much awkwardness I said well I guess I'll be going... he said ok. 

It was a saturday night ! i had on my pajamas! but he showed no interest in me staying... I got my stuff which was both hands full and purse on my shoulder... after loading myself down gathering my date night supplies... still laying there he reaches out his arms and said HUGS!

I'm going more and more into embarrassing shock... I leaned over trying to keep everything balanced and leaned down to hug him bye.He was still laying there when I went out the door.

I'm walking out to my car  with my stuff and pajamas on ,I was so embarrassed ... I was actually crying before I got out of his driveway.

Now if I'm seeing this wrong someone tell me please... I had been married for a long time so dating is all new to me. but come on! who does that?

I have so done this!  Honestly? I left in tears about 75% of the time, definitely not something I ever want to go through again.

I'm forcing myself to go out, doing the things I love!  Sure I miss her, but I'm doing it until its second nature again.  Screw her!  I'm not going to roll up in a ball and die because she took her marbles and went home!

On a more serious note, I'm staying away from alcohol so there's no lowering of inhibitions and I'd be inclined to rip off the old, "I miss you my chest aches" text which I have done several times!  Been since December (there's been contact since then but not good contact), since I did that so for me, this is progress!

Feelin my strength today, don't be jealous, Ill be a puddle come sundown!

CiF

[Banshee]

Feelin my strength today, don't be jealous, Ill be a puddle come sundown!

Oh This feeling right there is where I was during my whole 10 days straight of no contact... I had a journal on my phone and documented every single day of blissful happiness of not texting him ... then bam! sent that Easter text and went straight back to the vortex of he11... I was so embarrassed that I removed that journal app from my phone!

There were many times I left because of an argument but that was so strange to leave on a Saturday and getting along fine.

That's what I noticed about him a few months in the r/s all our time was me going to his house and paying for anything that we did or ate... as time went by we would talk during the week but no mention of me coming over ... being that there was no plans I couldn't simply say:

" Hey we still going to the movies Friday"?

I felt that since I was doing it all he could atleast be the one to say you still coming fri sat... etc? How much is that to ask? when I finally told him how I felt... he just said I assume your coming so why ask? WHY? because it would have been the one only effort he put in the whole  r/s!

Maybe that's just being a guy and nothing related to BPD but i was definitely in a one sided r/s ,,gah!

[Pecator]

Feelin my strength today, don't be jealous, Ill be a puddle come sundown!

Thanks for that CIF. Not for the puddle come sundown part. But for acknowledging that strong days can come even while on this emotional ride.

I was having a middle kind of day. Grateful for a rare day of not having to fight my nerves. Yet still missing the joy that was once my life.

This thread is great. I wrote my post from in an unemotional place. It was good for me to recount that while feeling my ongoing detachment process. Then I returned to read those beautiful assurances that I will dance again. Been crying mostly since.

But not a deep childhood-hurt kind of cry. It has been a gentle healthy grieving of what I have allowed by life to become. I have had some very difficult struggles in my life. From an outside point of view, many would say worse than this. But I knew I could always find a glimpse of peace and joy on a dance floor. It is one of three ways I have found to bring your mind, body and soul in unity to something transcendent. I haven't danced in six months.

Boy I hate this BPD thing.

But I love you people here. Thanks for reminding me of a critical step I need to take on my path to healing