Learning to value myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ironman,

Are you expecting her to try? Do you think she'll try another take with you?

I was expecting it to happen again to me. But I'm starting to think it might not happen now. But, that might just be me being much stronger & better educated about their methods than before, so not as worried about it!

[Moonie75]

Ironman,

Are you expecting her to try? Do you think she'll try another take with you?

I was expecting it to happen again to me. But I'm starting to think it might not happen now. But, that might just be me being much stronger & better educated about their methods than before, so not as worried about it!

[Ironmanrises]

Moonie,

I fear that is a high possibility.

The fact that she came back once... .

The fact that i allowed her back in... .

She is aware of this.

She knows what buttons and strings to push and tug to get past my defenses... .

The disguised spam text i received 2 weeks after she left me second time... .

Originating from within blocks of her house(she lives several states away from me)... .

Is a warning of future possible attempts of her contacting me again.

I cant allow that to happen.

Look at all this damage.

My foolish decision to let her back in.

I have to rebuild my entire ironman suit.

No relationships for me... . For now.

Until i learn to value myself better.


Dont let your guard down.

Until you are healed enough.

[Moonie75]

Well Ironman I wish you well when/if your test comes!

I don't have an Ironman suit. Unlike New York there's not much call for Ironman suits in sleepy west country parts of Blighty. But I might pop down the local British Legion & rustle up some stiff upper lipped old timers, & have me own ':)ads Army' caper ready if she rocks up in this village again!

I'll be ready. Me 'Home Guard' will be ready. Hell I might even hire The Wurzels to start playing 'Where Do That Blackbird Be' to warn villagers she's comin!

[Ironmanrises]

Well Ironman I wish you well when/if your test comes!

I don't have an Ironman suit. Unlike New York there's not much call for Ironman suits in sleepy west country parts of Blighty. But I might pop down the local British Legion & rustle up some stiff upper lipped old timers, & have me own ':)ads Army' caper ready if she rocks up in this village again!

I'll be ready. Me 'Home Guard' will be ready. Hell I might even hire The Wurzels to start playing 'Where Do That Blackbird Be' to warn villagers she's comin!

I cracked up reading that. 

[Moonie75]

Yeah you're right to laugh Ironman. A troop of men ready for a war effort would be no match for her!

[bpdspell]

Moonie and Ironman,

Just wanted to reach out and say that learning how to love and value yourself is a daily practice of one foot in front of the other. As some point in our healing journey we will grow into the acceptance that we fell in love with a mentally ill person; a person who lacks the capacity to be fully reciprocal in the participation of our happiness. Our BPD ex's are not the originators nor the givers and takers of happiness. Happiness is an inside job... . not a job application for others to fill out.

When I was finally able to accept this; my world shifted.

As much as I missed the good times and the amaze balls sex with my ex I was sleeping with a man who's sick in the head and heart. I was trying to fix, rescuer and procure security in an unstable person. Even worse... . I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man I couldn't trust.

My need for him to be an emotional adult triggered his disorder and appalling behavior. But when we are desperate for outside validation and are clinging to the narrative that only they have the magic keys to make us happy we cause a lot of suffering for ourselves.

I refuse to believe that my BPDex is the best that I can do. It takes time to get her but a lot of my mourning and lamenting focused on what I thought I had lost as opposed to what I truly gained: a shot at loving and appreciating myself.

There is a lot of pain to grieve on the path to detachment but letting out the hurt , disappointment, and feelings of abandonment on our puts our ex's in our rear view mirrors where they belong.

Spell