All of the lies... capable of admitting them?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDex decided he was ready to admit the entire truth to me, as much of our relationship was filled with lies he created to get me to fall for him.  Also he says I deserve to know who the father of my child is (I am pregnant with his baby). He actually seems very remorseful and like he is going to try hard to make up for the lying and betrayal (for the sake of being a good father figure, not necessarily for "getting back together" although that's ultimately what he wants).  I never expected the truth out of him and the entire truth at that. Am I being naive to believe he actually feels bad for the lying and will work on changing himself and making up for it all? Or is this a common part of breaking up... when they realize you are really gone do they decide to play the whole "I'm admitting everything so take me back" role? I honestly believe he is being sincere, but then again I have obviously been fooled before, otherwise I wouldn't be on this site! Help me out here, I need to know if I am putting myself in the ring of fire for even giving him the chance to prove himself to me (from a safe distance).       

[lalove714]

My uBPDex decided he was ready to admit the entire truth to me, as much of our relationship was filled with lies he created to get me to fall for him.  Also he says I deserve to know who the father of my child is (I am pregnant with his baby). He actually seems very remorseful and like he is going to try hard to make up for the lying and betrayal (for the sake of being a good father figure, not necessarily for "getting back together" although that's ultimately what he wants).  I never expected the truth out of him and the entire truth at that. Am I being naive to believe he actually feels bad for the lying and will work on changing himself and making up for it all? Or is this a common part of breaking up... when they realize you are really gone do they decide to play the whole "I'm admitting everything so take me back" role? I honestly believe he is being sincere, but then again I have obviously been fooled before, otherwise I wouldn't be on this site! Help me out here, I need to know if I am putting myself in the ring of fire for even giving him the chance to prove himself to me (from a safe distance).       

[lalove714]

I should add he wants to go to therapy now and has been consulting several psychologists.  He plans to begin behavioral therapy and anger management as soon as he can make the first payment.  Also has a good job lined up and says he will be sending me money to pay me back for everything I have done for him. He says he will send me proof as soon as these go through. Obviously only time will tell if he actually goes through with it but I think its a big step that he realizes behavioral therapy will be helpful to him.  He actually figured this out on his own by consulting psychologists, as I never once mentioned behavioral therapy to him... so maybe he actually does want to change? I would like to think so, but I need advise! 

[jibber]

It sounds good "on paper". I would wait until he follows his words with actions, and then still be careful.

FRom my own experience (which doesn't have to be the same for everybody else):

My ex promised me SEVERAL times that she would do something as well. The first time after her first rage at me, destroying a picture i made for her birthday that she called "the most beautiful gift someone ever gave to her in her life". She aknowledged it wasn't normal what she did and she would seek help. Empty promise.

Once i started seeing a psychologist myself she promised to go too. Empty promise.

After one of many failed recycle attempts she begged me to go with her to a psychologist. Empty promise.

After another failed recycle attempt, she said she talked with her mom about everything and she would support her in finding and going to a psychologist. Empty promise.

I could keep going... . countless empty promises.

In the end she completely forgot about all of her promises, and went back to telling me it was all my fault. At one point she even halfway admitted she just said those things so i would come back. 

Could be all different in your case, but i would be VERY careful with trusting his words. Wait and see if he actually follows through. And even then... . be careful... . i know my ex would have went to the lenght of going to a psychologue just because she knew i was waiting for that (that she would show me she actually saw part of our problems in her own actions and that she would show me she was willing to do her part for saving our relationship). In the end she told me "Now i am ready to go to therapy with you and your family"... . can you imagine this, she didn't want to go alone... . she wanted to go with me AND MY PARENTS (because she hated them after they didn't support her when she told them i am a bad partner (for not buying her a bigger flat and car and what not... . )). 

She didn't want to go to therapy because she thought there was ANYTHING wrong on her part, she wasn't "ready" for that. She was "ready" to tell a psychologue what terrible people me and my family are and put all the blame on everybody else, that's what she would have been ready for.   

Please be careful.

[boywholeadsdogs]

I'm not an expert on "typical" BPD behavior, but I can relate my own experience. After I brought up divorce this last week she went "normal" and opened up about a lot of things, mainly that it wasn't my fault and how bad she felt. It was a nice night, but I think she expected it to change things. When she left the next day and realized I meant it, she texted that she opened up to me and felt like I rejected her.

Opening up should be opening up, not a means to an end. It's a healthy thing to do, keep that in mind if he gets upset when his opening up doesn't get his intended result.

[Infared]

My experience was that I kept expecting the pwBPD to start acting as an adult, self-aware person. That just didn't happen. I do not believe that they are capable if they truly suffer from this disorder... I begged her to go to therapy (I was seeing one) during the time of our breakup (actually her running off with someone else and lying to me about it), as she seemed to be in a great amount of pain. I really cared about her. She finally went to a therapist and then told her many many lies so that she appeared "normal", thus masking her BPD. I know because she invited me to a session and I was sitting there aghast at the ambush that I had walked into. The therapist was clueless and I was made to look like the bad guy.

I once showed her how I knew she was lying about a number of things, and her very satisfactory response (to herself, not to me) was "those were lies that I told you after I left you!"? That justified the lies in her child-like mind. End of discussion.

I learned that most if not all of my expectations of my BPD to show up, take accountability for their actions was only going to be yet another painful let down for me.  I did not know about this disease then, so I was in for a lot of disappointment and hurt. Actually, when you deeply care about a BPD and you come to understand the disorder, their actions are still disappointing and hurtful, but then you have a responsibility to start taking care of yourself. Easy to say, hard to do.

[lalove714]

You guys all make good points. I normally wouldn't go for it as he has tried many times to get me to take him back, but the difference this time is that he won't let me take responsibility for any of the bad things that happened in our relationships and he is finally admitting to everything as being his fault, and being specific at that. HE ADMITTED HE WAS WRONG ! No way ! LOL. Also I decided to ask him about if he has ever been diagnosed in the past with anything (because he always told me he used to be on meds for anger management and ADHD) and he said his therapist said he had behavioral problems (when he was younger). UMMM nice to know , but anyways he said he ignored it because he didnt realize how serious it was until now and he is determined to get himself right. So I guess we will see what happens!