Had a brief glimpse of my 'old self' yesterday..

[Zinnia21]

I'm about 6 weeks in to NC, it's been a strange slow motion roller coaster of up and down emotions, but I suppose a more realistic view  of it all now, being discard number 4.

Yesterday I had a good day for the first time in ages due to some little triggers of good news re career (which was slowed and broken during the r/s!) and I was just thinking in a good light about things. Still tainted with pain, but better. 
Anyway, I noticed that when just an inch of that hellish fog lifted, I could actually think straight again. I was able to pay bills, and run my errands, and give energy to my son, and think about my goals.

I feel my whole system is so worn down by the situation, that keeping on top of my own life has been very hard these last couple of years. A lot of me has shut down, such as clarity of my mental cognition, physical energy, being able to plan ahead etc.  friends would tell me about a party or something I should attend, and it would go out of my head or I'd have to really study my calendar and make a concerted effort to stay on any schedule. I'm still really struggling with that feeling of confusion and exhaustion. I honestly feel my own life has been set back so much, emotionally and financially. Especially this last year, I've had a lot of times where I've ended up back in bed, needing to stop my day and start again, just to cope or gain momentum. Am I seriously messed up... ? When we were back together and things were 'OK', I didn't feel quite as bad, but was still in a tired confusion a lot.

That glimpse of energy and clarity I had yesterday, it felt like the old me. How have I even been a parent, been paying bills or doing anything... ? with this sadness and tiredness blocking my full capacity... .

Unfortunately I have fallen back in the hole again today and am wondering how to get back to yesterday's me. Not sure I can force it, but it reminds me of what my therapist said recently. That noting how bad I'm feeling from the r/s and the fall out is a good reason in itself to stay away. I still ache and love him, if I'm honest with myself. But my mind and body are showing me how done in I am!

I don't mean to sound sorry for myself, I went back in for another round, despite the good advice of friends and family!

However, I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this odd sense of confusion and exhaustion during or after their BPD relationship... ? Or is it just me... ? Sometimes I feel like a loser as my life has not progressed how I would've wished while dealing with this situation. I do struggle day to day, to keep the show running for now... .Anyone relate?

I know I can't reach out to him anymore, and I won't. But the part of me that's tempted, just has to see this current damage and wreck of a life I suppose... .?

I mean, he never had any qualms about running off and saving HIS skin and keeping his life going if he needed to. Time for me to do the same I guess... .

Anyone else had similar feelings... .? It's hard when it's still tainted with this rumination over what he's doing now, and if he's tried to contact me, or will... .
I'm in a strange in between place of not going back, but still suffering the loss...

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Zinnia-

However, I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this odd sense of confusion and exhaustion during or after their BPD relationship... ? Or is it just me... ?

Nope, it's not just you.  6 weeks isn't very long after a 3 year relationship, and being emotionally enmeshed with someone who exhibits traits of a personality disorder will do a number on your mind, body and soul, and it takes a while to untangle all that and find some mental, emotional and spiritual peace again, which you will, and it takes what it takes.  For me, I expected to be over her and back to my life within a few months of leaving her.  Nope.  It took the better part of a year, but don't make that mean anything in your case.

Sometimes I feel like a loser as my life has not progressed how I would've wished while dealing with this situation.

OK, you can feel like a loser, but set a time limit on it.  Say 10 minutes.  Then back on the horse.  :)etachment is not linear, but two steps forward, one back is still a step forward yes?

Yesterday I had a good day for the first time in ages
I was just thinking in a good light about things.
I noticed that when just an inch of that hellish fog lifted, I could actually think straight again. I was able to pay bills, and run my errands, and give energy to my son, and think about my goals.

Nice!  Celebrate that!  Celebrating the little wins opens the door for the big ones to follow.

I feel my whole system is so worn down by the situation, that keeping on top of my own life has been very hard these last couple of years. A lot of me has shut down, such as clarity of my mental cognition, physical energy, being able to plan ahead etc. I'm still really struggling with that feeling of confusion and exhaustion. I honestly feel my own life has been set back so much, emotionally and financially. Especially this last year, I've had a lot of times where I've ended up back in bed, needing to stop my day and start again, just to cope or gain momentum. Am I seriously messed up... ?

Nope, you're not seriously messed up but you do have some serious grieving and processing to do; detachment is a project, the best kind, and it's one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and best to take very good care of yourself, and the you you remember will come back, but wiser and more experienced.

Have you checked out the stages of detachment over there ---------->
lately?  Where are you?

Hang in there Zinnia; what if you're right where you're supposed to be, and everything happens for a reason, that ultimately serves us?  Take care of you!

[DreamerGirl]

Hi Zinnia21,

I could have written almost the exact same feelings as you.

Two days ago, I felt like I had turned a corner.  Like you, I felt the 'old me' all day.  I felt positive and energetic the whole day.

I have also neglected so much, just to get out of bed and go to work has been a milestone during the last 7 weeks.  I haven't had any motivation to do anything except the basics.  Thenl I had this wonderful day.  I also paid bills, ordered new products for my online store and just felt really good.

But like you, it was short lived and the last two days I have struggled again.  Back to feeling so sad and reminiscing.  Back to having no energy nor motivation again.  Like you, I know I'm done and I can never go back.  That also makes me feel sadder.

But I'm hanging onto that great feeling I had, it was exactly what I needed.  There will be more ahead, of that I'm sure.

Today has been hard, again.  I was thinking about the grief cycle and trying to establish where I am, in it.  I've been cycling through each stage, and I'm thinking that wonderful day, where we both felt like ourselves again, was a glimmer of acceptance. 

I can't wait for the suffering to end.

[UnforgivenII]

My therapist says it takes some months at least. Let's do our job. We will make it. And they will mean nothing to us anymore.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Zinnia21,

You are definitely not alone in your feelings. At 6 weeks, I was still making colossal efforts to keep it together and get through my daily activities. Sometimes I just felt like a robot, doing whatever had to be done. Other times my emotions were so raw that I couldn't stop the tears.

You are recovering. This is what it looks like for you, and from my vantage point  here it seems to be chugging along nicely. Feel your feelings and don't be discouraged by the seeming setbacks. Often we have to circle around many times to the same place to mine the gold that is waiting for us in our pain.

Let that glimpse of the old you serve as a sign of what's possible, Zinnia. You are growing and changing. After recovery, you may not be  I don't think your old self, again, however. How could you, after what you've experienced? I do think you will be a wiser and maybe more self- compassionate Zinnia--An updated, even better version of your former self.  What do you think? 

heartandwhole

[woundedPhoenix]

Hey Zinnia21,

that's good news, you are finally jumping back into yourself and spiraling upwards

And it may be breef, and happen many times over alternating with periods of sadness and grief.

What i notice is that every time you reach that point again that you feel yourself, it feels stronger, more capable and more healed.

I think i finally accepted what happened, and that there is nothing to be done about it.

I am okay with feeling the sadness still as i go about getting my life back on track.

The painful moments now have graded down to a bittersweet sadness,

the moments i feel myself now have become very empowering and selfcompassionate.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Zinnia, It's common to be mentally and physically exhausted at the end of a BPD r/s.  It's draining!  Suggest you continue to focus on yourself and treat yourself well.  It takes a while and everyone recovers at his/her own pace.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings and strive for authenticity.  It's a slow process, but you can do it!

LuckyJim

[Zinnia21]

Thanks so much everyone. I'm glad I'm not alone in this and not weird for feeling this way. Sometimes I think I put pressure on myself to not be ruined this time, like all the other times, the other breakups. I think 'no, I've got this... !' , but then realise I don't got this! Apart from the little pockets of actually getting ahead here and there.

But like you, it was short lived and the last two days I have struggled again.  Back to feeling so sad and reminiscing.  Back to having no energy nor motivation again.  Like you, I know I'm done and I can never go back.  That also makes me feel sadder.

Thanks, DreamerGirl, I'm especially glad you summed this up for me. The lack of motivation is so hard. Especially after going through it all before, just want my life to finally restart. I too am trying my own business, it's been a huge slow struggle to get it happening and I finally got some news about my first proper job I'll be doing. Yeah that day of clarity was amazing.

But yesterday when I was really struggling, and after I already wrote this post,
 I got my first message from him in 6 weeks!

I feel like that has reset my recovery clock a lot! It was a nice message, all the worse! Made me want to run to him, made me sad I couldn't!

I'm surprised to find I was in a better place before this message, breaking up with a fading void... Now he is 'real' again, meh!

But I've already come down the recovery path this far, I'm determined to keep going. And I'll never see the 'old me' if I keep letting my heart melt every time I hear from him. He didn't sound like he was trying to get back together, just wanted to express some things, say sorry, and thanks...


Everyone's words were so helpful. Thanks for making me feel like this is pretty normal. I would respond to everyone personally if I could, thanks so much!

I like the notion that I'll be recovered as a better version of me. I have learnt a lot, that's for sure, about myself and others. I guess it's a painful yet spiritual journey. To go this deep into sadness and into yourself, and re emerge alive and well!

Just gotta see how I can get through this recent contact! Eek!