Were Doing Great

[supergrl4601]

He began his new job this morning and went out the door with a skip in his step and a smile on his face.  He's been on a disability pension since 1999.  This is his first job in years.  Still working for the same employer in the same job capacity as before, just a different location (printing company).  He's been employed with this company for many years.  His meetings with his probation officer are progressing nicely and so are his counselling appointments and doctor visits.  He's taking his meds as scheduled and correctly and his sleep habits have improved and he's establised a daily schedule for himself.  Life is wonderful and sweet.  He and I have much to look forward to. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[been there]

   Glad to see your H, is moving in a postive direction.

   Maybe the beginning of a long and hard road to getting well?

   Mark

[supergrl4601]

Hi and thank you.  I remain hopeful.

[dncrbyn]

Glad to hear it!  Yeah!  It's nice to feel happy, isn't it?   :D

[JoannaK]

Robyn, supergirl changed her ID to supermom... .you may want to read her update about her relationship.

[ArleighBurke]

My wife has undiagnosed BPD. We live together and are seeing a BPD psych under the guise of "marriage counselling".

We have 3 kids: M12, F9, F5. The 2 girls are showing lots of signs of being unable to regulate their emotions.

The older girl (8):

• often sad for no reason. Huge tears before school for no real reason.



• mega anxious.
  
  
  
  • When given a task to read 4 books in the next 4 months she stressed herself out (she loves to read).
  
  
  
  • Her teacher told her she may have to re-write a page of notes and daughter was in tears all afternoon
  
  
  
  • hates new things/situations. Even going to a good friends house for the 1st/2nd time will cause her tears
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • doesn't sleep well
  
  
  

The younger girl (5):

• is starting to get more and more teary when you tell her no. Takes herself to her bedroom and cries alone for 20mins.

These may be normal young girl traits, but it doesn't feel right.

My BPD wife is quite unsupportive of the girls crying. She'll calmly tell them to stop and ask them to rationally put things in perspective. It doesn't seem very validating. I've talked to her about it and she just says that "tough love" is the way to go - cuddling/supporting them will only lengthen their crying time. I point out that wife often just wants me to hold/comfort her, what's the difference with our kids - she says validating etc is only  appropriate if they had a mental issue (such as depression). It feels like any softness from me towards my girl is frowned upon by wife.

It makes me uncomfortable.

Any suggestions for raising my girls or dealing with their tears/emotions that will support them to be healthy?

Thanks

[an0ught]

Hi ArleighBurke,

not an easy situation. On the one hand your wife tends to invalidating behavior - possibly partly picked up from her parents. Your kids deserve better. On the other hand having an united front towards the kids is also pretty important.

What I would do:

- be a validating role model with wife and kids.

- agree with your wife that when you do certain key validating actions she stays out - acknowledge that she may feel different but get her to accept it.

- identify the battles you are willing to concede. You are in for the whole distance.

last but not least: Not all validation has to come from the family. Possibly you can identify, support and encourage other validation sources from the outside that supports your older D.