Also, he really wants to have another kid and so do I, but I have said I don’t want to until our relationship is better. We are both 37 so we kind of should get on that. My therapist thinks I need to get out.
I was concerned about the first part of this quote. You've been with him for 10 years, married for 4 years, and an assortment of 4 therapists. Things aren't better after all your efforts and the efforts of 4 professionals. What basis do you have to realistically believe things will get better? This might be better termed
magical thinking?
Then I read what your therapist told you. Probably nicely stated but the blunt message was... Get Out.
If you want another child, find a (mentally) healthier partner. Please.
Maybe I shouldn't say it that way. My personal beliefs are that marriage should be honored unless the other person is unfaithful. In my case, I had to divorce anyway because my parenting was being actively obstructed in addition to all the blaming and discord. But I was prepared to remain single if there was no infidelity. Though I could remarry now, I happen to still be single.
He’s much wealthier than I am and I never paid a dime to live there. It has always felt like the place is under his control. I kind of feel like my moving in there was the first major boundary domino to fall.
So you are feeling the heavy hand of disordered FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. We all felt that to some extent, that's because at heart we're all reasonably normal people caught in a dilemma not of our choosing.
My dream would be that I tell him about this place and then I start living there and having my own space, but we stay married and each of us stays with the other one sometimes and our daughter can stay in either place, so no one gets too lonely but we all have some time to ourselves. I learn to be my own person and set boundaries, and maybe some day we can move in somewhere together with enough space for all of us.
My worst nightmare would be that I tell him about this place and he immediately accuses me of trying to take our daughter away, he goes full nuclear high conflict divorce, and with superior lawyer money he wins custody of our daughter and proceeds to mess her up with his craziness.
Do you need us to tell you which would happen, a dream or a nightmare? You know deep down. Now is the time to start preparing for a better future. Accept that your plans and strategies going forward cannot be shared lest he sabotage them. You have a right to privacy and confidentiality. What to share? Usually sharing is only about parenting matters but you're not separated yet but still, keep the future plans and strategies private. Beware of the inclination to share TMI - too much information. Now is not the time to be "fair" since you already know that it will get you sabotaged.