I feel like a coward for going NC but I don't see an alternative

[Rex31807]

I am trying to navigate detaching. I get these emails where I'm blamed for leaving and causing her to hurt. Her deep rooted fear of abandonment has come to fruition and I am the root cause of her hurt according to the emails I get. It fills me with a sense of dread and it literally sucks the life out of me when I read the emails in the inbox.

She hasn't addressed the violence and anger that drove me away. In her eyes I should have stayed there and talked things out but I couldn't talk to her. It was her yelling, screaming and hitting me. I was fearful I could end up in jail because she literally can't reign it in at times. Her hitting didn't hurt but it was getting more and more frequent. It's scary to live in a house like that. COVID made it worse because the company would not allow us back in the office.

After leaving I had to rent office space at an undisclosed location.  It's my only outlet of peace and tranquility. Here I am safe behind a locked door.

I'm not going to answer her emails but I feel obligated to do so. I feel like a coward for not acknowledging her hurt. I don't know why I feel that way when she can't acknowledge the fact that she drove me away. She blames me for lashing out. I guess that's the hard part.

The feelings that wash over me are dread, anguish and misery when I read one of her emails because it brings back those memories of her outbursts.

[once removed]

i can imagine.

it isnt a direct comparison, but i once had to suddenly cease all communication with a cyber friend. it hurt them, a lot. i felt really badly about it. it felt wrong. i also had strong reactions to the emails they continued to send.

i might suggest a couple of options.

1. reroute her emails to spam or trash. blocking them might cause her to up the ante, but unread emails are harmless.
2. get a trusted friend to read them, and let you know if theres anything especially important you should know or need to respond to.

what do you think?

[Rex31807]

That sounds good. I can do that.

I'm on an island so to speak with this.

We as a couple had some close friends. They were an extended family of sorts. They are strict southern Baptists and we all went to Church together. I have tried to explain that I can't go back because I don't want to go to jail if she gets out of control. They don't take it seriously and look at as if I am abusing her. She's beautiful, petite and well educated so you wouldn't suspect this from outside appearances. So now they make me feel like I am living outside the will of God. It's made me lose faith. I've lost my Church, home, wife and a group of friends. I miss the guys from Bible Study. I feel lost at times but I don't have an alternative. I could end up in jail or dead from a stroke due to the stress.

She bounces from crisis to crisis and it never ends. There wasn't room for me in the relationship.

Sorry for rambling.

Rex

[kells76]

Rex, am I tracking correctly that you guys don't have any kids together?

Asking because that could shed some light on how "urgent" it is to read her emails.

[Rex31807]

We have 0 kids together. We went to HS together. I had a massive crush on her in HS. We used to hang out a lot and flirt. We went on a spring break trip to France together. We went to the same college and had lunch a few times. So we have this huge shared history going back to when she was 14 and I was 15.

FF 14 years later we reconnected by chance and it became a full on relationship. My uncle tried to warn me saying he felt that she was mentally ill but I wouldn't listen when she got mad at me before we were even married.

I guess the fairy tale aspect also makes it hard to let go if that makes sense. False hope. FOG.

Rex

[shopgirl26]

Rex, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I understand what you’re going through. It can be so isolating to feel alone and to keep receiving all of this hate mail. It sounds like she’s really faced with her own fear of abandonment and she’s lashing out. But you don’t have to read the messages if they cause you further pain.

I received the same when my ex and I split. At first we were amicable, then it was just more and more texts about how much I’d hurt her, how much she hated me, how I was an abuser like my parents, how I deserved to be alone, how we could never be friends. Looking back, I’m upset that I read it. I can’t get certain lines out of my head. Even though I know what she’s saying isn’t true.

I’m sorry that you lost your church community and close friends. It truly isn’t fair. I think going no contact with the safest and wisest thing you could do for yourself. The thing with a BPD is they will not stop until they see you in the same amount of pain as they’re experiencing. Unfortunately this looks like escalating in a dangerous way or a way that could put you in undeserved legal trouble.

Just know that you have a community of people here who understand how painful it is to be in your position. To feel alone and to be grieving for not just the failed love with the bpd, but for friends and family around them.

It will get better. A little bit more every day.

[grumpydonut]

Hey Rex,

As someone with experience in the Baptist circles in Australia, I'd encourage you not to allow them to shame you into doing something that appears extremely illogical.

It is not the "will of God" to allow someone to abuse and manipulate you. I'm not a believer anymore, but from all I read from the Bible, liars and manipulators of the truth appear to play for the other side

I received the same sort of shaming when I decided to leave the Church due to it definitely playing a part in destroying who I was and sending me into a deep depression. If you're knowledgeable in the Bible, then I'd suggest testing everything they tell you before you ever decide to remain in misery with an emotional abuser.

[B53]

Rex,

I feel your pain. I am not married to my ex, and we were only together two and a half years. We broke up for two months. He was getting counseling and said he was better and was doing well handling his emotions and begged for a second chance. I gave him the second chance and it failed miserably. He broke up with me for the sixth or seventh time in a year. He called me names, told me I was mentally ill and more, though he was never physical. I had enough and his last email was was so nasty, that I stopped reading it after the first paragraph. I went NC and didn’t hear from him for three months. Then a couple weeks ago he called, I didn’t answer and after the second call, I blocked him. Then the emails started coming. I deleted them all. There is always a sentence of the email, that you ca read when it is in your in box. One pleaded with me to read the email, one said he was a wreck, he’s dropped the anger, how sorry he was and one started out saying that he didn’t think what he did was… I guess he was saying, that what he did wasn’t so bad.

He still is involved with my family. I don’t want them involved in our problems and encourage them to interact in same way they always do. The only thing that my family has passed on to me,  is that he doesn’t get it. To be honest I think most of the time he is like that, he doesn’t remember what he said and did. He doesn’t remember how bad it was.

I feel like I am being cruel too. He is reaching out and doesn’t understand why I won’t respond. I feel bad that he suffers from this illness, but I just can’t do it anymore. I didn’t cause this and I’m tired of being punished for loving him. If you have no intention of trying to make it work, responding to them is cruel too. For them, any communication leads them to believe your still in and they will try even harder to win you back. The only way to make a break is to go NC. Every attempt he makes to communicate with me, triggers pain. It’s like knocking off part of a scab on an healing wound. I just want him to leave me alone. There is no need to hear him out. I can’t imagine there is anything new he could say and I don’t need to listen to one more thing where he assassinates my character. At some point there needs to be consequences for their behavior. They go berserk, if we look at them funny, can you image how they would behave if we treated them the way they treat us? It truly is insane.

Is there anyone at your church that isn’t in your close circle that you can confide in?

Take care of yourself and hang in there.

B53

[Lucky Jim]

I get these emails where I'm blamed for leaving and causing her to hurt. Her deep rooted fear of abandonment has come to fruition and I am the root cause of her hurt according to the emails I get. It fills me with a sense of dread and it literally sucks the life out of me when I read the emails in the inbox.

Hey Rex, Your story is quite familiar.  After I separated from my BPDxW, she sent me lengthy email messages berating and blaming me for leaving what I viewed as a toxic if not unlivable situation.

My approach was the one suggested by once removed: I forwarded her emails to my sister and asked my sister to let me know if there was anything that required my response (basically, anything that involved our children).  Otherwise, I ignored her demeaning, belittling messages.  That was the boundary that I set up and it worked well.

Hang in there,
LuckyJim

[tvda]

I feel like a coward for not acknowledging her hurt.

I think that you have every right to acknowledge your own hurt before anyone else. That doesn't make you a coward. I have zero doubt in my mind that you gave her your all, and tried everything you could to make things work. There has to be a line somewhere.

I know it is painful, but sometimes you need to completely change your social circle. I did this once, voluntarily, when I was around 30 years old. Nothing bad or dramatic caused this. I just felt like my beliefs and values did not really align (anymore) with my circle of friends, who originated in high school. I found a new social circle that fits and loves me much better, and have been very grateful to have these people in my life, for 15 years now. They are my tribe.

If your church circle does not feel or fit right with you anymore, it might be time for a drastic change. Some people are afraid that making new friends late in life is difficult but I disagree. I am rather introverted, and it went very naturally for me. When you find the people that just positively click, it becomes effortless.