Got an email from her partner today...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well, in the category of "how the hell did I end up at this point in life?", today I received an email from the current partner of my exBPD. As I have mentioned on these boards, I was "the other man" to a BPD woman who was still in a relationship.

It is against my moral principles to cheat or be a homewrecker, but of course her story was a huge pity-story of her being held captive in an abusive relationship that had been dead for years. A part of her story was that she would never ever cheat on her partner under normal circumstances, but she had no other option at this point in her life, because he threatened and blackmailed her, and made it financially impossible to leave - otherwise she would have done so a lot sooner... So I foolishly made an exception to my principles… In a love-bombed haze.

So far her story that I naively believed, until recently... Well, today I got an email from her partner. Very strange situation. And as you would have expected, the picture he painted was very different from what she had portrayed…

He told me I wasn’t her first affair during their relationship. And not even the second… And that he had been approached by her with the exact same pity-story: that she was stuck in a cold, dead and abusive relationship and needed help… Damn, I feel sick to my stomach to hear and discover that it was all one big lie… Crazy how she even introduced me to her children… Kept on coming back to me and professing her love… and then brutally discarding me when things became a bit too hot under her feet.

[tvda]

Well, in the category of "how the hell did I end up at this point in life?", today I received an email from the current partner of my exBPD. As I have mentioned on these boards, I was "the other man" to a BPD woman who was still in a relationship.

It is against my moral principles to cheat or be a homewrecker, but of course her story was a huge pity-story of her being held captive in an abusive relationship that had been dead for years. A part of her story was that she would never ever cheat on her partner under normal circumstances, but she had no other option at this point in her life, because he threatened and blackmailed her, and made it financially impossible to leave - otherwise she would have done so a lot sooner... So I foolishly made an exception to my principles… In a love-bombed haze.

So far her story that I naively believed, until recently... Well, today I got an email from her partner. Very strange situation. And as you would have expected, the picture he painted was very different from what she had portrayed…

He told me I wasn’t her first affair during their relationship. And not even the second… And that he had been approached by her with the exact same pity-story: that she was stuck in a cold, dead and abusive relationship and needed help… Damn, I feel sick to my stomach to hear and discover that it was all one big lie… Crazy how she even introduced me to her children… Kept on coming back to me and professing her love… and then brutally discarding me when things became a bit too hot under her feet.

[grumpydonut]

And guess what you've just learned...

It's not about you.

[tvda]

Nope... It was never about it me. With what I now know, that she's had several affairs in the past and always "stayed in her comfortable life", it's obvious she never had the intention of truly starting a life with me... All I was to her was supply of attention and care...

[B53]

So sorry!
Even though it is painful to accept, it’s better to know it sooner than later. It makes you wonder why, he sticks around. It’s  like these people cast a spell on the people they are with. It’s crazy.

I hope you feel better!

[hammer]

I know that is a gut punch. I am sorry.

It is not much of a consolation at this point, but hopefully it will move you forward  and the realization of how much better off you are without someone like that in your life will come quicker.

[tvda]

It's a gut punch, that's for sure. But there is also the realisation that I'd rather learn this now, than to have been in a longer term relationship with a house and attachment to stepkids, and have to deal with undoubted next affairs...

[hammer]

That's good perspective. It's been mentioned before about dodging a bullet. You certainly did, and I think many of us did. The truth will set you free.

[tvda]

Yep. I am grateful for the very coincidental way in which I did get a much clearer view on the truth. Through a fortuitous Tinderdate of a good friend of mine with one of her old friends. And through the mail I received today.

It really did help shift my view from sadness over the loss of an idealized person, to the sense that I did dodge a bullet. I feel sorry for the guy that she had a child and house with...

Thanks for all the support, people of BPDfamily.

[khibomsis]

 Poor sod, yes. There are few pains deeper than that of triangulation. It is primal trauma. I guess he stays and tries to make it work because of the children.   I am glad you are so clear. You are going to be OK, tvda  

[tvda]

Thanks. I hope so. Lots of soulsearching and self-work to do though. Addressing my codependency and saviour complex. And my habit of falling for cluster-B types... I'm struggling a bit with the fact that I'm turning 46 in a couple of months, and would like a life companion and possibly still a family of my own, but that I'm obviously not ready to date at the moment, and won't be for a couple of months at least...

[hammer]

I recently read something to the affect of not being jealous of the new guy who doesn't yet know what you already do.

[tvda]

Yeah... As weird as it is, between a spouse and "the other man", there seems to be more mutual understanding than animosity... He sent me mail with a lot of info and insights about her, and he's asking me to return the favor in kind, to make up his mind about what he's going to do...

I'm sure a lot of what I told him must have been hard to read... But I'm glad I got the chance to be open and truthful about it. Weird, because three weeks ago I still saw him as the abuser, and her as a helpless victim. Not anymore. And at the risk of sounding vindictive... I do hope our communication helps to dole out some karma to her...

[hammer]

Tvda, you are thinking the right way. Take the time to clear your head before dating again. It is not only fair to you, but to the other person. Cleanse your BPD ex out of your soul first. You will make it. Do the work, that we all need to do, and you will be a much better person and you will start attracting the right kind of person. We certainly have phd's for red flags.

[hammer]

Wow. Always good to let karma take care of revenge. Stay on the high road. It is about self esteem, which we all have taken a hit on from our relationship with a BPD.

[B53]

The nicest thing you could do for that poor guy is to lead him here. It might help him make up his mind or learn skills to deal with her.

[Jose Maria]

Wow I read your posts and it almost seems that I wrote them.
I'm even the same age as you about to turn 46 too.
I am the other man from supposedly an abusive relationship and since the beginning of the pandemic that we are seeing.
It is also of the Quiet Limit type and I was previously with a Histrionics where I began to learn about these issues.
I have not been "lucky" yet to have your partner send me an email, I sincerely want to know what else he said.
She is also to show the image of the perfect wife and I have my big doubts lately that she has not always played the exact same game.
I would like us to exchange information. I send to you a hug, partner of misfortunes.

[Turkish]

Did you respond, and how did he get your info?