I know i need to leave but i have doubts and inertia

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Married for 29 years.  For the last 8 years we have been struggling.  It really got bad when my children hit high school and began to differentiate.  My wife would lose her mind and create major conflicts with the children.  Walls and doors damaged.  Personal items of my children destroyed.  Please involved.  She is very judgmental, critical and controlling.  It was doable when the kids were younger, although I’m sure there was a price.  But when the started growing up, it was explosive.

I have tried some type of couples therapy or family therapy 5 times.  the first 4 times she unilaterally quit.  I tried one last time and at this point, i agreed to suspend it.   The reason is that i could tell that the therapy was disregulating her.  Initially i was hopefully that my wife and the therapist would see that my wife couldn’t manage her emotions or tolerate any distress.  And there were a number of times that my wife said i may need something for my anxiety, i dont cope well etc, but she refuses any individual therapy or help (she had gone for 3-4 years a while back after an ultimatum from me, helped for a while but she quit). 

So I’m at the point where i feel like it’s divorce or settle for a life of taking care of somebody with BPD traits, features or a disorder…and I’m exhausted and depressed.  I have insomnia and a constant not in my gut.  And my daughter is depressed, and i believe its from constant pressure, stress, criticism and judgment. 

I know there really is no hope but i just cant seem to pull the trigger on a divorce.  How do i get over the hump?

[Richguard23]

Married for 29 years.  For the last 8 years we have been struggling.  It really got bad when my children hit high school and began to differentiate.  My wife would lose her mind and create major conflicts with the children.  Walls and doors damaged.  Personal items of my children destroyed.  Please involved.  She is very judgmental, critical and controlling.  It was doable when the kids were younger, although I’m sure there was a price.  But when the started growing up, it was explosive.

I have tried some type of couples therapy or family therapy 5 times.  the first 4 times she unilaterally quit.  I tried one last time and at this point, i agreed to suspend it.   The reason is that i could tell that the therapy was disregulating her.  Initially i was hopefully that my wife and the therapist would see that my wife couldn’t manage her emotions or tolerate any distress.  And there were a number of times that my wife said i may need something for my anxiety, i dont cope well etc, but she refuses any individual therapy or help (she had gone for 3-4 years a while back after an ultimatum from me, helped for a while but she quit). 

So I’m at the point where i feel like it’s divorce or settle for a life of taking care of somebody with BPD traits, features or a disorder…and I’m exhausted and depressed.  I have insomnia and a constant not in my gut.  And my daughter is depressed, and i believe its from constant pressure, stress, criticism and judgment. 

I know there really is no hope but i just cant seem to pull the trigger on a divorce.  How do i get over the hump?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RG, Welcome!  I'm quite familiar with damaged walls and doors, as well as destroyed personal property.  There's no roadmap.  One question you might want to ask yourself is whether you can look your kids in the eye and say you tried everything?  Another might be what kind of an example you are setting for your kids by staying/leaving?  You're already depressed and exhausted.  At what point is the price too high?  I would also suggest that, when the time comes to leave, you will know it.

Feel free to ask any particular questions, friend, as I have been in your shoes.

LuckyJim

[Richguard23]

Thanks for the response.  My children know all too well that i have done everything i can.  They have been the target of her abuse for years.  I have had to take them to hotels at least a half dozen times during the high school years to escape her tirades and tantrums.  Even now i deal with regular disputes between them and my wife essentially losing her PLEASE READ and demanding i defend her and tell my kids not to argue back. 

They have to deal with her constant criticism, judgement, attempts to control them and tell them what to do, name call, blame, etc. 

They may be disappointed i couldn’t fix things.  Frankly, I am too.  But as somebody wrote, I didnt cause this, i cant control it and I cant cure it.

[JediGuy]

Hi @Richguard23,

I read your posting earlier today and made a note to come back to this, especially after seeing your reply to my posting.  Your journey has elements that remind me of things I've experienced.  I just served papers to my wife, but thought I'd share several things about my journey with you.

First, as @Lucky Jim noted, thinking about the example this is setting for your children is a really good question to ask yourself.  This was one of the key considerations in my decision, as I was becoming increasingly concerned that I was implicitly teaching my daughters that it was OK to mistreat a future spouse.

As for getting inertia, I can speak from experience (to this point in my journey) that it looks like there is a mountain ahead of you.  What I found worked for me was to create a private google drive account that only I knew the password to and could store my thoughts and make journal entries along the way w/o my wife knowing about it.  Initially, it contained ideas I had about things I could try to salvage the relationship and rekindle a connection.  Later, this evolved into things I needed to organize and task lists should I reach the point where divorce was the only remaining option.  I also created documents that had a list of the hurtful behaviors and actions that I could refer back to when I had moments of doubt about whether I was doing the right thing or not.

I found that taking every spare moment to tackle something on this list was key - even if it was a small thing like packing a bag of clothes should I need to leave on short notice.  This way, I never felt like I was standing still and ensured I would be ready if I reached the point where I could no longer continue in the relationship.  Also, over time the mountain got smaller as there was more behind me than ahead.

This is already a long posting, but I'll share several questions that I reflected upon when taking evaluating my options should these be helpful for you:
- Are things getting better, staying the same, or getting worse?
- Are there any signs that pwBPD is taking responsibility for their role in the relationship, or are things someone else's fault (like mine)?
- If I told a close family member or friend about my situation, would they want me to stay in this relationship?
- Do I feel emotionally safe and relaxed around this person, or do I get stressed around them?
- Do I feel mentally healthy right now?
- Am I over/under-eating or having sleep issues?
- Am I developing any issues with my physical health as a result of this stress?
- Does this person respect me, or am I treated with contempt?
- If this person does something hurtful, do they apologize for their actions and attempt to reconcile?
- Do I feel I can communicate my feelings to this person w/o being ridiculed, invalidated, or having my words twisted in a way that makes this "my fault"?
- What lessons am I teaching my children by staying in this relationship?
- If this relationship continues as it currently is over the next 20 years, what things and people might I miss out on during this time?  (For example, are there family members, parents, etc. who might not be alive in 20 years and who you don't see now because you're spending all your time trying to repair your current relationship?  How are you going to feel if the relationship never gets better and you missed your last opportunities in life to interact with these people, or put off doing something that in 20 years you are no longer physically able to do?)
- Does this person make attempts to repair the relationship on their own accord, or only in reaction to a threat of leaving?
- Am I free to pursue my own interests, or am I constantly seeking approval or permission to avoid being yelled at or abused?

Also, I think you mentioned praying.  I don't like to push my religious beliefs on others, but praying for wisdom and courage was a big part of my path.  Also, there is a podcast that I started listening to daily that has been really helpful for me.  It's called "Catholic Inspiration" by Father Andrew Ricci in Superior, WI.  Ironically, one of his best messages came two days before I served papers, and it dealt with how to discern good relationships from bad ones.  Here's the link if you care to listen - it's 9 minutes, and he talks specifically about toxic relationships around the 7-minute mark:  https://traffic.libsyn.com/secure/threegreatthings/21_06_23_-_Wed_of_12th_OT.mp3.  Again, I'm not trying to push religion on anyone here, only sharing something that was helpful FOR ME.

In the end, only you can decide what path is best for you.  Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck.  There seems to be a lot of good people in this forum that are willing to help and have been through similar circumstances if you need to talk things through further.

Take care.

[Lucky Jim]

My children know all too well that i have done everything i can.  They have been the target of her abuse for years.  I have had to take them to hotels at least a half dozen times during the high school years to escape her tirades and tantrums.

Hello Again Richguard23,  Presumably you get something out of the r/s, which is why you stay.  Can you identify what it is?  Now is a good time to consider why you got into a marriage with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?  If so, it might help you to figure out the best path for you.  What would you like to see happen?  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LJ

[Richguard23]

Yep.  This is all about Dad and the approval i never got. I did get some of it when i first started this relationship.  Made me feel grown up for a time.  Dad was a rageaholic himself.  And very honestly, the relationship was good at the start.  It was really ok until the both her parents (divorced) passed and the children hit the team years.  Since then its been chaos.  I tried to save the marriage for the kids and the money, and because in someway i thought just being laid back, calm and relaxed would eventually catch on.  She cant do it.  She wont get help.  She wants me to do everything. Just today she was demanding “I want to know what you are going to do to fix things”

I had gut feeling about the time she started sending hints about getting married…i didnt want to…but i felt there was something wrong with not wanting it, so i did it.  Was not ready for parenthood but one mistake later and it was all decided.

My gut says that this marriage is unsalvageable.  The longer I stay i prolong the suffering and delay the inevitable.

[EZEarache]

I had gut feeling about the time she started sending hints about getting married…i didnt want to…but i felt there was something wrong with not wanting it, so i did it.  Was not ready for parenthood but one mistake later and it was all decided.

My gut says that this marriage is unsalvageable.  The longer I stay i prolong the suffering and delay the inevitable.

I wasn't married, but I was pressured into having a child. I completely understand the gut feeling dilemma you describe. I think JediGuy's suggestions and questions are really great. I would also advise that you read, "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life." The second half of this book has really great suggestions on how to manage your wife with BPD.

I'm assuming you've already read Stop Walking on Eggshells.