Death and the Former Partner

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My exBPDgf left her previous partner to start a relationship with me nearly 7 years ago... .this previous partner was quite unwell, having had a stroke and a host of other medical complications that were clearly physical, though it was nearly impossible to tell where the physical and deeply emotional/psychological began and ended. The two were intimately intertwined. It never failed that when my ex and I had an important event, travel, etc., the dying former partner would have some medical need that would disrupt our plans.

Anyway, my exBPDgf left her for me, or so I thought. Of course, I believed we had to take care of this dying woman, and a lot of money was spent to be certain she was in proper assisted living, etc. I had no doubt in my mind this was the right thing to do. At the same time, I was very much led to believe that their emotional relationship was over. It became clear that this was hardly the case -- I was compared to my ex's so-called former partner all the time, my ex talked to her constantly, visited her (she lived a 3 hour plane ride away), and basically continued an emotional affair her the entire time we were together. Of course, she repeatedly denied this over and over. When our relationship unravelled our couple's therapist mercifully validated how I felt, and said quite clearly to me that I should never have to share in an intimate relationship.

My exBPDgf and I have been separated for nearly a year now. We sold our house, split up our family (I have two boys from a previous marriage), though we work together, and it has been a very cordial and friendly relationship. I feel this is in large part because I have done an enormous amount of work on myself. Really hard work, which isn't over yet. Examining what I brought to the table, why I allowed myself to be gaslighted, compared, why I got angry (yes, I sure did) and basically have found an inner calm that was missing for many years and it is sure nice to have that back.

So... .and here's where the craziness begins. My exBPDgf's former partner died a few weeks ago. Who does my ex lean on; I mean really lean on. Yes, me. My ex is completely shattered, and in many ways it would take a heartless person not to feel compassionate. At the same time, I feel myself being sucked right back into Oz. My ex is going on and on about how much she loves me and, what scares the hell out of me, "needs" me. At the same time, one would have thought that I had never existed in her life... .in other words, she's telling all of our work colleagues in person and on social media how her "beloved partner" passed away. Our friends are baffled, truly baffled. As if the intervening 7 years with me are erased, except for the fact that I am now her security blanket. I can literally feel, as strange as it sounds, her reattaching to me.

I know this situation is a rather specific one, though at the same time, I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with something like this before? I, on the one hand, feel I don't have it in me to be cruel and unsupportive. On the other hand, I do feel that I need to be as detached as possible while taking care of myself. I'd be dishonest if I were to say the social media posts, with pictures of my ex and her former partner, with my ex declaring her love for "my beloved partner" who just passed is too much to even look at. At the same time, they are visual and verbal representations of what was so long denied to me: that is, I was a stand in for someone else, providing the sex, the fun, the support that the dying partner couldn't provide, while at the same time I was being denied the emotional intimacy that I so craved while my ex continued her emotional affair with her dying partner.

Any thoughts/advice would be deeply appreciated, as I'm trying so hard to understand what to do.

[ConverseHome]

My exBPDgf left her previous partner to start a relationship with me nearly 7 years ago... .this previous partner was quite unwell, having had a stroke and a host of other medical complications that were clearly physical, though it was nearly impossible to tell where the physical and deeply emotional/psychological began and ended. The two were intimately intertwined. It never failed that when my ex and I had an important event, travel, etc., the dying former partner would have some medical need that would disrupt our plans.

Anyway, my exBPDgf left her for me, or so I thought. Of course, I believed we had to take care of this dying woman, and a lot of money was spent to be certain she was in proper assisted living, etc. I had no doubt in my mind this was the right thing to do. At the same time, I was very much led to believe that their emotional relationship was over. It became clear that this was hardly the case -- I was compared to my ex's so-called former partner all the time, my ex talked to her constantly, visited her (she lived a 3 hour plane ride away), and basically continued an emotional affair her the entire time we were together. Of course, she repeatedly denied this over and over. When our relationship unravelled our couple's therapist mercifully validated how I felt, and said quite clearly to me that I should never have to share in an intimate relationship.

My exBPDgf and I have been separated for nearly a year now. We sold our house, split up our family (I have two boys from a previous marriage), though we work together, and it has been a very cordial and friendly relationship. I feel this is in large part because I have done an enormous amount of work on myself. Really hard work, which isn't over yet. Examining what I brought to the table, why I allowed myself to be gaslighted, compared, why I got angry (yes, I sure did) and basically have found an inner calm that was missing for many years and it is sure nice to have that back.

So... .and here's where the craziness begins. My exBPDgf's former partner died a few weeks ago. Who does my ex lean on; I mean really lean on. Yes, me. My ex is completely shattered, and in many ways it would take a heartless person not to feel compassionate. At the same time, I feel myself being sucked right back into Oz. My ex is going on and on about how much she loves me and, what scares the hell out of me, "needs" me. At the same time, one would have thought that I had never existed in her life... .in other words, she's telling all of our work colleagues in person and on social media how her "beloved partner" passed away. Our friends are baffled, truly baffled. As if the intervening 7 years with me are erased, except for the fact that I am now her security blanket. I can literally feel, as strange as it sounds, her reattaching to me.

I know this situation is a rather specific one, though at the same time, I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with something like this before? I, on the one hand, feel I don't have it in me to be cruel and unsupportive. On the other hand, I do feel that I need to be as detached as possible while taking care of myself. I'd be dishonest if I were to say the social media posts, with pictures of my ex and her former partner, with my ex declaring her love for "my beloved partner" who just passed is too much to even look at. At the same time, they are visual and verbal representations of what was so long denied to me: that is, I was a stand in for someone else, providing the sex, the fun, the support that the dying partner couldn't provide, while at the same time I was being denied the emotional intimacy that I so craved while my ex continued her emotional affair with her dying partner.

Any thoughts/advice would be deeply appreciated, as I'm trying so hard to understand what to do.

[OutOfEgypt]

My situation was not like yours.  However, when you used the word "security blanket," I definitely identified with that.  I was my ex's security blanket during our entire marriage, and even during affairs.  She would be practically laying in bed next to the other guy and calling or texting me because she "feels nervous."  We are divorced, now, but I have to communicate with her to some degree because of children and she will *still* pop in with a text message here or there telling me about how good she is doing or how she has come so far.  I either don't respond at all or I write at the very most, "Cool.  Good for you."

I, on the one hand, feel I don't have it in me to be cruel and unsupportive.

Being unsupportive is not cruel (or rather, being selective about whom you support and to what degree is not cruel... .it is wise).  Would you feel you were being cruel if you refused to go over to an alcoholic's house every night and watch them get drunk?  Leaning on an ex in that way is *weird*.  She is putting you in a precarious and uncomfortable position because she has zero boundaries and expects you to have none, too.  For you to choose yourself in this situation (or any like it) is by NO means "cruel".  If she is leaning on you, you could back away and say, "I'm sorry you are hurting, but I'm not that for you any more."  And then back it up.  Don't respond after that.  It is NOT cruel for you to refuse to be someone's security blanket.  She can cry and pout, she can get mad and stomp off, she can tell others you have become a jerk.  Who cares.  You know what is right, and you know what you feel.  You don't need to tell her to "F OFF".  But in so many words, kinder and less obscene words, I would.  And I wouldn't explain or defend my decision to do so -I don't need to.  Use few words, not many.

I found a box under my nightstand that had some old love notes in it from when I was married.  I looked at them in a totally different way than I did at the time.  One of them in particular was more of a "need note" than a love note.  "I don't know what I would do in this world if I did not have you."  Sounds so romantic and sweet, but given the context it is sick and unhealthy.  In healthy relationships, people do not "need" each other like that.

[OutOfEgypt]

As far as you being a "fill-in" for her former partner, try not to take it too personally.  He was a fill-in, too.  And so was the person before that.  And the person after you will be a fill-in, too.  That's because with a BPD person, their "significant other" is more like an emotional crutch and pack-mule than a true mutual-love partner.  Every "partner" they have is really there because of their usefulness to them in some way, to fill some need, to be a leaning post.  You have the choice to decide to NO longer be that.  Right now, regardless of if you are "with her" or not, she is trying to put you back into that role.  Are you going go along with it?

[ConverseHome]

Thanks so much for your wisdom, OutofEgypt. You are right about being a "fill in" and remaining firm on boundaries. I have to keep reminding myself about this. My mantra needs to be boundaries, at a minimum.

The "fill in" really hit home, as I think what has been so devastating about her social media posts has been to see, quite literally, the degree to which I was just a "fill in." She is presenting to all of her friends - many of whom are from long ago and not even aware that she left her former partner - that our relationship never even happened. That I didn't exist. Instead, she is presenting herself as if she never left her dying partner for a younger new one... .

On that point, when my ex left her former partner, I truly believed that the relationship was over emotionally. Otherwise, I would have had serious questions about being with someone who dumped someone she called (and is now calling again) "the love of her life" simply because taking care of the person had become too much for her to handle. It's hard not to be judgmental, and I have no doubt that deep down that's what my ex is feeling. That, yes, she left a dying partner, and now that this person is gone, my ex wants to represent to the world that, in fact, she didn't have an affair with me, that she never left her dying partner, and that, truly, this now deceased person was the love of her life and she's asking for everyone's sympathy.

For me, I just sit here thinking, What the heck? What I put myself through, my children through, my career through... .I need to keep all of this at a distance, as I know, before long, she'll be blaming me for how she's feeling about herself. That "badness" she's feeling in herself can't be contained for long as the re-scripting of the last 7 years' narrative will only go so far; her self-hatered will be displaced onto me. She's a master at it, that I know based on painful, hard-learned lessons.

[OutOfEgypt]

I can see my ex doing something similar.  She always told me that if I ever had an accident and became incapacitated that she would still "love" me but she would leave me because I couldn't give her sex.  Like a "sorry, just being honest" thing.  But later she recanted and said she was joking. 

The thing to keep in mind, knowing my ex, is that they don't like being seen in a negative light at all (to others, and to themselves).  So, she probably feels shameful inside for leaving him because of his state.  And now that he is dead, she is trying to "redeem" herself from feelings of shame by doing what she is doing -yet while keeping you on the hook as her emotional crutch.  She wants to make sure she is seen (again, by herself and others) as "really loving" him, for example, while she gets to keep you from abandoning her.  Nice, huh?  Not at all, really.

[ConverseHome]

"And now that he is dead, she is trying to "redeem" herself from feelings of shame by doing what she is doing -yet while keeping you on the hook as her emotional crutch.  She wants to make sure she is seen (again, by herself and others) as "really loving" him, for example, while she gets to keep you from abandoning her.  Nice, huh?  Not at all, really."

Wow, this pretty much sums it up. No, not nice at all. And, yet, I've played, the willing accomplice. I'd like to think it's because I'm a compassionate person, though there's more to this, clearly. Time to return to focusing on myself, which is a process not an event.