Devaluation: how long does it often last and can you get out of it?

[Corgicuddler95]

Hey there.

So as I said in my other topic my BPD ex broke up with me about a month and a half ago but I've come to realise she'd been devaluing me for probably the last 3 months (wanting to see me less, talking less, passive aggression for little reason). While I am trying to move on, I also want to leave it open to reconciliation and I know we will be seeing each other in about a months time for social reasons.

So my questions are how long does the devaluation stage often last? Is there you can do it speed it up? Is there anything I can do when I next see her to stop it or must I just accept it?

Thank you 

[TheRealJongoBong]

In my experience the devaluation stage lasts until I pull away faster than I'm being pushed away. When I get to the point where I really feel I can't and won't take it anymore, that's when my uBPD/NPD wife rebounds and wants to get closer.  So if she's hooked on you and you're not around she's probably in the rebound stage right now, but won't show it until the fear of abandonment gets greater than the fear of being wrong. My guess is that when you meet again you will almost instantly know the score. If you get the eyes and the come hithers you know you're in. If you get ignored, you've likely been replaced as her source of supply.

Have you thought seriously about this reconciliation business? Read some stories here about what is likely to happen, and remember that the crazy will probably never end. It is rarely boring but it is also very stressful and can be incredibly damaging to your self esteem. Keep your eyes open and set boundaries early and often. Blessings and good luck!

[Corgicuddler95]

If reconciliation is possible I'd like her to get professional support and set up some boundaries.

Right now I haven't seen her for two months or talked to her for over a month. Haven't heard anything from her either. It could be because she's living a very solitary life supported by her parents so doesn't go out much or have things she needs support doing.

When we do see each other next is there anything I can do to stop devaluement? Should I try to appeal to her or just ignore her if she's still devaluing me?

[TheRealJongoBong]

If reconciliation is possible I'd like her to get professional support and set up some boundaries.

Right now I haven't seen her for two months or talked to her for over a month. Haven't heard anything from her either. It could be because she's living a very solitary life supported by her parents so doesn't go out much or have things she needs support doing.

When we do see each other next is there anything I can do to stop devaluement? Should I try to appeal to her or just ignore her if she's still devaluing me?

Anything you do will have some effect but I don't think there's any way to predict. Their view and input from the world is filtered through the NPD mindset, so there's just no saying how they're even understanding the world.  And as for trying to stop devaluement just forget it, it will be perceived as manipulation (which it is) and will very likely backfire.

My advice to you is to be yourself, be open and accepting, and see what happens. Also take a mental step back every now and then and consider how things are with respect to reality. My boundaries were so low that I would let alot of stuff happen just because I liked what I felt was acceptance when it was really manipulation.