I still have feelings for someone with BPD, but I want to forget about them

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am new here and this is my first post. Please help me, I like constructive remarks.  
I marked SO(significant other) because this category fits my relationship with the BPD person most, but we are not in a relationship and have never dated.

I met this person with BPD, and developed feelings for them when they showed interest in me. My crush on them grew into a very strong love (or so I thought). I seemed to click with this person better than anyone else, but looking back I think they were not entirely honest with me, they would often lie about the negative aspects of themselves when they felt shame about something(such as having BPD rage). They are comfortable telling people they have other BPD traits, like clinginess and fear of abandonment. They seemed to like me a lot, but now they devalued me for the first time and it makes me not want to have anything to do with them. Unfortunately I am still drawn to this person. When they treated me nicely I felt really good. While researching BPD I discovered that I am a codependent. I tend to not focus on myself, and I put others wants above my needs. My codependent nature is making it hard for me to stop caring about this person. Since the devaluation incident I have stopped contacting this person, and they cannot reach me, but I find myself constantly looking at their social media and wishing it was back to the good old days. I cannot stop thinking about them and caring about them. I doubt they truly care about me though, it seems like I was only a reflection of themselves. They did not seem to value me, but only value the attention/love I gave them. They are fully aware of their BPD and are always talking about how it is like living in a nightmare, they have started to talk a lot about ending their life. This worries me, but I am hopeful that they would not go through with it because they mentioned that they are saying it for attention. That put some of my worries to rest, but they are very reckless. I feel like I should always be checking up on their social media to make sure they have not hurt themselves intentionally or accidentally. Should I worry? I want to forget about them. We did not get super close, so I want to forget about them and move on, but I feel like if I move on completely I will be hurting them somehow.

[CottonClouds]

I am new here and this is my first post. Please help me, I like constructive remarks.  
I marked SO(significant other) because this category fits my relationship with the BPD person most, but we are not in a relationship and have never dated.

I met this person with BPD, and developed feelings for them when they showed interest in me. My crush on them grew into a very strong love (or so I thought). I seemed to click with this person better than anyone else, but looking back I think they were not entirely honest with me, they would often lie about the negative aspects of themselves when they felt shame about something(such as having BPD rage). They are comfortable telling people they have other BPD traits, like clinginess and fear of abandonment. They seemed to like me a lot, but now they devalued me for the first time and it makes me not want to have anything to do with them. Unfortunately I am still drawn to this person. When they treated me nicely I felt really good. While researching BPD I discovered that I am a codependent. I tend to not focus on myself, and I put others wants above my needs. My codependent nature is making it hard for me to stop caring about this person. Since the devaluation incident I have stopped contacting this person, and they cannot reach me, but I find myself constantly looking at their social media and wishing it was back to the good old days. I cannot stop thinking about them and caring about them. I doubt they truly care about me though, it seems like I was only a reflection of themselves. They did not seem to value me, but only value the attention/love I gave them. They are fully aware of their BPD and are always talking about how it is like living in a nightmare, they have started to talk a lot about ending their life. This worries me, but I am hopeful that they would not go through with it because they mentioned that they are saying it for attention. That put some of my worries to rest, but they are very reckless. I feel like I should always be checking up on their social media to make sure they have not hurt themselves intentionally or accidentally. Should I worry? I want to forget about them. We did not get super close, so I want to forget about them and move on, but I feel like if I move on completely I will be hurting them somehow.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi CottonClouds and Welcome!  

Sorry for the late reply.  I'm pleased to see that your friend (would that be an appropriate description?) has awareness at least of the BPD and is open about this.  That is a positive in that unlike some you're certain of what it is that you've been dealing with.  The majority of members here will be able to relate to the devaluation stage and empathise with how you feel.

It looks like you've done plenty of reading and I'd encourage you to take a look at the articles and lessons on this site (some great ones to be starting with at the right side of this board) as they are grounded in fact and don't include some of the urban myths that can be rife on the internet.  Understanding the situation is a great foundation for moving on and healing, as you can learn to de personalise the behaviour you've experienced.

They are fully aware of their BPD and are always talking about how it is like living in a nightmare, they have started to talk a lot about ending their life. This worries me, but I am hopeful that they would not go through with it because they mentioned that they are saying it for attention. That put some of my worries to rest, but they are very reckless. I feel like I should always be checking up on their social media to make sure they have not hurt themselves intentionally or accidentally. Should I worry? I want to forget about them. We did not get super close, so I want to forget about them and move on, but I feel like if I move on completely I will be hurting them somehow.

I'm sure you know that looking at this person's social media is doing you no favours in your detaching, so I won't harp on about that, however finding talk of suicidal ideation is certainly worrying.  I've experienced suicide attempts from my ex and it is very difficult emotionally to handle.  :)espite the fact that some of these things may be attention seeking, we should always handle suicide threats as a possible reality.  We all know the story of the boy who cried wolf.  Whether or not the intention is there to truly take their life, a person who says these things is in a painful place and needs help.  Who is it that these things are being said to?  Is the person receiving support from others?    

If you have cut contact and want this person out of your life then there is also the standpoint that their behaviour is not your responsibility, but it's a balancing act.  Should you receive a direct cry for help by way of a call or message to you personally then I'd advise you to respond by encouraging them to seek professional help in the form of a hospital crisis team or suicide helpline.  Here's the link to a suicide ideation in others discussion you might find helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

Guilt about this person's potential self harming behaviour is not a healthy reason to resume any type of relationship.

On your final sentence, I'm afraid that so much of what we do or don't do can unintentionally and easily hurt a pwBPD, as they can be extremely sensitive to any perceived rejection, abandonment and also engulfment.  It's a bit like walking a tightrope.  You can't stay up there forever.  Eventually you're going to fall.  Whilst it's caring and kind to not want to hurt this person, the reality is that this has most likely already happened, and again, protecting this person's feelings should not come above your own emotional well being.  We must first put the oxygen mask on ourselves if the plane goes down.

I'd be interested to know a little more of your story if you're happy to share?  Keep reading and posting - it helps to see other's perspectives and experiences.  We are here for you.

Love and light x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CottonClouds, Welcome!  I agree w/HQ:

I'm afraid that so much of what we do or don't do can unintentionally and easily hurt a pwBPD, as they can be extremely sensitive to any perceived rejection, abandonment and also engulfment.  It's a bit like walking a tightrope.  You can't stay up there forever.  Eventually you're going to fall. 

Those w/BPD fear abandonment and seek intimacy, yet once they get close to someone, they fear engulfment and push that person away.  It's a cycle that is hard for a Non to comprehend.

Hang in there,
LuckyJim

[CottonClouds]

Hello LuckyJim, thank you so much for replying.

Yes, this person seems to fear engulfment which I only realized later and it was a deal breaker for me since I need reciprocation to keep or pursue any type of relationship. At first this person was super clingy to me, and before I got over this person I thought being clingy was a super attractive quality, and I had no clue why others found it to be a turn off. My mistake.   I now know that clinginess is a double-edged sword, super clingy people are also the most unclingy people at times. Now whenever I meet someone who is clingy I know better. In my opinion something is deeply wrong inside extremely clingy people; most people are not just clingy because they have overflowing love for others. I am a little clingy myself, but this person with BPD is a lot more clingy. They don't like having alone time and they don't want anyone else to have their personal time either. Meeting this person with BPD has opened up my mind so much to the world, and to who I am. I am trying to focus on myself more, which codependents like me don't do enough of. At first I took this person's actions personally, but now I think I feel better since we have had time apart. Not looking at their social media also helps a lot. From what I hear they seem to be doing fine, even better than when I was in their life. They have made some surprising shifts in their personality, such as thinking more about others. I think since I was their biggest enabler(always showering them with love and affection), they have matured a little since I left the picture. I hope they keep growing and maturing, they seem to have a very high functioning type of BPD. What is your take on this? 

~CottonClouds

[CottonClouds]

Hello Harley Quinn, thank you so much for the reply!

I suppose "ex-friends" would be a better fit, it just feels sad saying it. I have completely dived into those articles and others, very informative stuff.  I stopped looking at this person's social media and it has done wonders for me. When I used to look at pictures and videos of them I felt more connected to them than I really was in those moments. Like I used to smile and laugh when I saw their online media, but there was no one to see my joy or laugh with me. I foolishly thought "they are smiling at me" and "they are laughing with me." Since I am not capable of making that healthy distinction of real world vs social media, I made a firm effort to stop. Now that I don't see them anymore online or in person I have regained a lot of myself and built new sturdier aspects to myself as well. Hooray boundaries! I am usually a people pleaser, and now I am unlearning my codependent toxic behaviors.

This person talks about the ideation online, and maybe to their family as well? I am not sure. They receive lots of help, they have a supporting family, a therapist and lots of friends who act like therapists, but are really closer to being enablers. I used to be one of them, the biggest enabler actually. "Stop saying everything is wrong with you, because you are perfect!" (That was before I knew about them having BPD) While they appreciated the praise, they also probably thought I was a fool.   Thank you for the link!

Being devalued was the final tipping point for me. It is when I realized that I could not make the relationship work no matter what I did. I also began to realize that I did not want a relationship anymore (even if they were to paint me white again), which I am still not sure if they have done this or not as they cannot contact me right now. It would not change my stance though, I am now firmly against having any sort of future conversation with this person. I know it sounds cold, but I really think it is the best decision for me and them. They are not the type of person to have casual friendships, you are either going to put all your time and energy into this person or they will forget about you instantly. If it could work, if it were easier, of course I would consider talking with them again. But they have not overcome their thinking patterns (splitting), and that is a deal breaker for me. There were so many little clues along the way that should have made me skeptical of what they said. For example, their expressions always told more than their words. They could not hide certain emotions like fear, excitement, rage, disgust, etc. and looking back on our interactions those facial expressions told the real story, a totally different one than what they were portraying. Have you ever noticed that in someone with BPD?

I still have an issue though, there is a social event that is happening soon-ish and I will most likely be coming into contact with them a lot. What do you think I should do? I think I should just ignore them completely, but would they seek revenge on me if I did that? What are your thoughts? 

Thank you and sorry for the long rant,
~CottonClouds 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi CC,

I didn't have the exact same thing with facial expressions, however the actions did conflict with the words, that's for sure. 

Regards the event, I guess it depends on what you've observed about the behaviour of this person in the past.  Did you ever have any indication of a revenge agenda regards anyone else in their life/past? 

It could be that you're able to smile politely and move on.  At the end of the day, it's whatever you feel most comfortable with.  I don't get the indication that you wish to avoid going to the event, so that's a start.  Personally I'd try to be natural whilst aiming to not interact too much and potentially open a door for renewed contact.  It would be present in my mind to be cautious about giving off any 'signals' of interest.  Enjoy yourself, do what you'd normally do and if you see them, do what feels right whilst having an inner dialogue of self protection emotionally and not inviting any special interest from them.  To be fair, you may find that they avoid you and you don't need to think about it at all.  In contrast, they may also march up to you as though nothing has happened, in which case it might be wise to consider beforehand what you might say or do.

Just remember to honour your values by maintaining your boundaries and that means not putting yourself into a situation where you're ignoring what is important to you. 

Love and light x

[CottonClouds]

Thanks again for replying HQ,

The person I know is also like that, their actions are usually the opposite of what they say.

This person said that they are always getting revenge on others. I know, its pretty disturbing. I don't know what type of revenge, or to what extent. Online they are always downplaying what is really going on in their mind, like they paint their negative emotions with a white brush. So its hard to tell what is real and what is not. I suspect they might actually go all-out when getting revenge on others, but then I wonder if they could because they don't seem like the type. I don't know them like I thought I did though, so who knows?

This person doesn't have anything on me, unless they create a fabricated story or something. I am not too scared of them actually.

That is really good advice thank you!

~CottonClouds